My fears/concerns about being a parent came true

[maybeimjustlikemymother]

I will preface this by saying I'm not in the best place physically or emotionally. I've been unwell with a chest infection for over three weeks and life feels relentless. I'm self employed so can't take time off without it causing stress.

Basically, I was never sure I wanted to be a mum yet at the same time on some level I knew that I would have a daughter one day and that I would adore her. I have a beautiful two year old girl now and I do adore her!

BUT my hesitations about becoming a parent were for good reason as there are some parts I really struggle with. So although I love my daughter, on some level I feel I shouldn't have made the decision to have a child as I'm not cut out for it.

Working full time in a patient-centred, highly responsible role all week and then being with a two year old most of the weekend is so draining. I get the odd hour or two to myself but it's never enough. I think because I tend to use that time to catch up on work. I am a doctor (won't say more as it may be outing) and I feel frustrated that I can't dedicate the time I would pre-child to my continuing professional development and building my career. I love my work and am passionate about my work/helping my patients. I feel so torn trying to run my business, find time for rest and be a good parent.

I also feel like I need way more time alone to recharge than other mums I know, who seem to relax with their children and find parenting more enjoyable then I do.

I can't say I regret having my daughter but in some ways, knowing my temperament and tendency to be very work/career focused, it was potentially a poor decision to become a parent.

I am able to be present with my daughter and genuinely enjoy time with her and she is thriving but I often feel "done" after a couple of hours on the weekends and wish I could go and focus on work. Obviously I can't because I committed to being a parent and she is in nursery most of the week so I "should" spend most of my time focusing on her on the weekends.

I do have a husband who parents 50/50 and so it's not like I'm a single mum with anything to really complain about.

I made my bed so I'll lie in it. I will do everything I can to make sure my daughter continues to feel loved and happy.

But the consequences are that I feel pretty terrible emotionally at times and feel like I'm existing, not living. Husband told me to take some time as I started crying at the dining table an hour ago at the thought of the day ahead. So I've been sobbing in the bedroom for a while before writing this rambling post.

I know I need to accept my choices and be a grown up for my daughter but how do I get past these feelings?

I really get where you are coming from OP, I knew I’d find it hard and that it wouldn’t tie in too well with what I actually enjoy. And I was right. I do enjoy time with DS but I enjoy alone time so much more. When he was a baby I got flu and relatives took him for three days in the daytime. It was bliss and I felt so guilty about that. I spend a lot of time frustrated at how I’d like to spend my time vs how I actually spend my time. I feel a bit like I’m at work when I’m at home because my time isn’t my own. It is getting a lot better now he’s nearer 3 though.

I don’t have any answers, could you change around your work to have a day with DC but then commit a weekend day to your studies/hobbies? DH and I end up a bit like ships in the night doing this at weekends which isn’t great but nothing would get done if we didn’t.

@amorningperson what a fantastic post! This is the sort of advice mumsnet was made for.

If this was a patient of yours, what would you advise? Counselling/ talking therapy to reach a plan if going forward with life and antidepressants if its got to the stage of crying at the table before the days even already begun?

“latriciamcneal

If there's any way you can reduce or quit your career to concentrate on being the best mum. Do that. Our children are the most precious thing in the whole world, we never get the time back and they notice our parenting when young. We've been told over the past couple of decades we need careers, but what for? To take us away from parenting? You're a doctor, you're supposed to have it made but you're miserable.

Take action. It's work that has to go, not your one shot at parenting.”

Absolutely disagree with this. I did not love parenting small children, have worked full time for most of my life, and have a great relationship with my late teen and early 20s DDs.

They don’t feel like they missed out on anything. I love my job and need the responsibility and deadlines to feel fulfilled.

Try to ditch the guilt OP - easier said than done.

@MindPalace Thank you so much for saying this. Xxx

@P1ffdOv I'm actually on two antidepressants currently and have had years of therapy... imagine the state of me if I hadn't

@myyellowcar You get it!! It's helpful to read that other mums feel the same way, it makes me feel less guilty. DH and I have agreed to take "shifts" again on the weekend, which we usually do but has gone out the window as we've all been unwell. I need it this way for my own sanity. X

It will get easier. My son is 9 now and can make his own breakfast/dress himself/pack his bag for school and he’s just generally low maintenance and really lovely to be around. He understands I have to work etc (I teach). Often I feel as though my son is on the back burner to my kids at school but I try my best to make up for it during the weekends. Make sure you’re getting as much sleep as you can, being tired is the main reason I feel like a crap parent now a days

@DarlingDarwin

Just remember that you are a “good enough” mum. In time she will be a little older and much easier and more fun to be with. So just get through this bit, make sure she’s loved and everything will be fine.

@DarlingDarwin Thank you for helping me to remember that this will pass xxx

Also the fact you’re feeling like this and aware of it means you’re the total opposite of a bad parent!

@Travelsinadonkeytrap I think we have some similar experiences - I also experienced childhood trauma.
I can't imagine how difficult it is having a child with SEN too. I can relate to wanting to escape. I find it quite hard to accept that this is my life for now, and then I feel guilty for not being able to accept it and feel like a terrible mum, which makes me struggle more! It's a vicious cycle.
I think everything has been much harder recently as we've all been physically unwell for weeks. X

Goodness, two year old are hard enough without having a tough job! Just do your best for her and see if you could possibly eg: get a cleaner in or anything that may take a tiny bit of pressure on. I remember someone here saying the first three years are 'the tunnel' and that was very much my experience, and I didn't even work until the last one was a toddler.

@amorningperson Thank you, thank you, thank you!! So validating and helpful xxx

@Gelasia Thank you, that's really supportive and helpful advice xxx

From one female doctor to another: go part time. That is the only way it is manageable when they are this age.

3 days a week at work, and one day spent on housework/life admin/CPD/audit. That one day can be a weekend day if that makes childcare easier. Honestly, it makes a huge difference to your quality of life and ability to actually enjoy parenting.

DS is now 5 and in school, and I’m back up to 12PAs, so this can be a short term thing. You just need to get through the preschool years.

Struggling to reply to everyone individually but thank you again for the replies. I feel better emotionally today although still physically unwell, off to the pharmacy to pick up some more antibiotics shortly. X

(And dropping to 3 days a week usually means 0.8 LTFT if you keep your full on call commitment - the difference in take home salary once you include two fewer days in nursery isn’t actually that big)

I think you need to remember that it does get better, having a two year old is as hard as it gets for lots of parents.

They may be cute and affectionate but sleep is still hit and miss, they catch loads of illnesses, they are still learning to regulate their emotions. It's still relentless.

Have you outsourced everything you can to limit what you have to do at home?

Two-year-olds are exhausting. Can you afford a nanny?

I'm a doctor with 2 1/2 yr old twins so I really feel your pain! Their dad is a stay at home parent at the moment but we still send them to nursery 2 days a week for their enjoyment and our sanity... I have basically done no CPD since I started back at work, I work 12 PA's but in a job which has lots of nights and weekends so also a fair few days off in the week, I'm keeping up with the necessary stuff but I have spent my whole career pre babies doing the extras and once they're bigger/at school/actually sleep at night I'll be able to concentrate on my career a bit more again - right now it's survival mode only!
It's fucking hard being needed all the time - either at work at everyone's beck and call or at home hearing 'mammy back!! mammy back!!' howled every time I leave the room!! But the years are short really, we'll get through this and work and our work identity will still be there when the kids are less needy (or at least needy in different ways!). In the meantime, toys/games that encourage independent play are definitely the way forwards - you get to feel like you're encouraging your child's development whilst you sit on the sofa with a brew! We also watch a LOT of tv

@DisforDarkChocolate

I think you need to remember that it does get better, having a two year old is as hard as it gets for lots of parents.

They may be cute and affectionate but sleep is still hit and miss, they catch loads of illnesses, they are still learning to regulate their emotions. It's still relentless.

Have you outsourced everything you can to limit what you have to do at home?

Thank you for saying this! I need to remember that it will get easier xx

@sallysparrow157

I'm a doctor with 2 1/2 yr old twins so I really feel your pain! Their dad is a stay at home parent at the moment but we still send them to nursery 2 days a week for their enjoyment and our sanity... I have basically done no CPD since I started back at work, I work 12 PA's but in a job which has lots of nights and weekends so also a fair few days off in the week, I'm keeping up with the necessary stuff but I have spent my whole career pre babies doing the extras and once they're bigger/at school/actually sleep at night I'll be able to concentrate on my career a bit more again - right now it's survival mode only! It's fucking hard being needed all the time - either at work at everyone's beck and call or at home hearing 'mammy back!! mammy back!!' howled every time I leave the room!! But the years are short really, we'll get through this and work and our work identity will still be there when the kids are less needy (or at least needy in different ways!). In the meantime, toys/games that encourage independent play are definitely the way forwards - you get to feel like you're encouraging your child's development whilst you sit on the sofa with a brew! We also watch a LOT of tv

Twins!!! I feel awful complaining. My two year old is not in to independent play, she wants me or her Dad all the time. She is adorable but it's exhausting, especially when your work is taking care of other people all day! I wish I could go part time but due to financial commitments it's not really possible right now. Trying to practice radical acceptance!

@gossipbird

Two-year-olds are exhausting. Can you afford a nanny?

Potentially but then I'd feel guilty as my daughter is already in nursery 4 days a week. I don't think there's an easy answer but I'm going to mull things over after reading all the helpful replies on here.

I’ve got a 2 year old too, and despite having gone through this phase before (I also have a 6yo), it is impossible to ground myself and remember that the intensity of this time is predominantly due to the extreme emotions of my son and not my own horrible failings as a parent.

And, having had a two year old in pre pandemic times, I can assure you that having a two year old in 2022 is at least 75% shitter than it was >2019. Particularly if you work in healthcare, where everyday is some sort of Kafka-esque nightmare right now.