Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What Would You Do: Grandparent swearing at toddler

74 replies

Anon2121 · 06/04/2022 02:34

Hey everyone, so this evening has been pretty traumatic for me because I am so worried about the effects nights like this have on such a young and prime-time of a child's life.

Please excuse the length of this, I tried to get all the info in!

Here's the scope...

Generally we all have a good relationship - myself, my son, my mother and my father (his grandparents). Their involvement is HUGE because I am a single mum and this helps me massively in ways where I can have my career, time when I need it etc.

However tonight my mum (his grandmother) just lost it. It started because my son wanted the cake that gets left out on the side. Now I'm not strict, but I am aware of what he eats and tries to encourage more healthy eating (like most parents). Before dinner, he found some chocolate so he had that. My mum said he had some cake earlier too. I know he is only asking because he can see it on the side and wants it (like children do). Every time I go to the house, there are always biscuits, chocolates, cake, some sort of sweet thing out on the side (which is lovely when you're a guest, but not necessarily for toddlers). My son see's these things, asks for it, and they always give in. As long as it's not much, I try to tell myself that it's okay and I don't cause a fuss. I look at him as a person and it's not like I don't have the odd cake here and there!

But the point is, he's having this stuff because he see's it and wants it. It's right in front of him, and so I don't blame him. I say that we should put the stuff in the cupboards so it's hidden - out of sight, out of mind. Which I thought was a perfectly reasonable comment. If this was someone else's house, I would never suggest what or where they put anything, but we practically live there, and this should make a difference on how much sweet he eats, as he's around it all the time.

Anyway, my mum ended up yelling - she stood up, started opening and slamming cupboards, shouting "where, where do I f put it?!". There's an actual cupboard for crisps and snacks, so I thought there would be perfect (not to mention it keeps the house tidier!!). I don't really know why she has been set off like a firework, but over my lifetime she has always had these outbursts where something is said and it's like a switch has been flicked. Two minutes ago, my mum and I was sat casually at the dining room table chatting away nicely.

She then turns around at my son, starts flailing her arms shouting "just stop f asking for cake and chocolate all the f time!!" It wasn't just the swearing, it was the way she said it. With so much anger, hostility, at the top of her lungs. I said in response "how dare you speak to him like that". I was honestly shocked she could speak to him like that. I can't imagine ever doing that. She has been like that with me plenty of times, but he really was just an innocent little boy in this. She looks at me in the eyes and said with such vengeance "I don't f care... I don't f care alright. I'll be dead soon anyway, and it won't f matter. Sooner than you think and I'll be looking down on you struggling, and then what..." and she storms upstairs. So she goes off on this tangent and then doesn't speak to anyone (the usual thing). I look over at my son, who the first time ever, is staring into space, dead quiet, incrementally licking the top of the cake (which I'm actually glad he has now for some sort of comfort!). It's one of those things where you think, shout at me, but don't damage him. No matter what I could say or do to comfort him, he's there, he's heard it, he felt it. I feel heartbroken for him that he had to witness that, and I keep going over it in my head. Why is it that such a little thing has been blown out of control?

I am upset of what my son had to experience, and I feel angry that my mother can't even control her responses in front of a two year old. And I don't know what to do going forward. Following the usual patterns, she'll act like it's never happened soon enough and life will be back to "normal". But I am trying my best to raise him on how to express emotions properly, and treating everyone with respect (like this little thing could have been dealt with such dignity and class, and I'm still trying to comprehend why it wasn't). I've especially been made so aware of it all after my abusive ex (his father), who also struggled controlling his emotions and had his fair share of outbursts too. I am worried that already some of it could be in the genes, and I want to teach my son properly on how to handle life's situations, and my mum's example in what went on tonight, is exactly what I'm trying to steer him away from.

Why couldn't a calm conversation be the way to overcome the issue?
I could never understand this because these outbursts doesn't achieve anything except divide us further apart. I feel like it was such a small issue in the grand scheme of things, that has been made into a real big one. One with psychological effects.

Please help. Did I do anything in this to set her off? I'm concerned about my son, but apart from counteracting it by showing kindness and love, I don't know what to do? And what would you do going forward?

Any comments will be appreciated.

Many thanks x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Geppili · 06/04/2022 02:41

Sounds really upsetting. It is a big issue and you mention that you were subjected to these outbursts from her as a child. How much does they see him and how much do they have sole care of him? Your mother's reaction sounds extremely unpleasant and unnecessary.

Finfintytint · 06/04/2022 02:42

Swearing at a child is not on but it sounds like she lost control. A Granny allowing a child to have some cake is not worthy of comment if you otherwise provide a healthy environment for your child.

Geppili · 06/04/2022 02:43

I mean you say that you practically live there.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

Sleepyquest · 06/04/2022 02:49

What would I do?
I'd tell her what she did and why it was unacceptable. Make her take responsibility and apologise to him. Basically like a child.
If she didn't, it would play on my mind until my dying days to be honest!
Does she have something going on, given her comments about dying??

QueenCarrot · 06/04/2022 02:58

Whilst her outburst is not acceptable it sounds to me like you are taking the piss. You say her involvement with your son is huge and you obviously rely on her a great deal, yet you are trying to dictate how she arranges things in her own house.

I think you need to appreciate all that she is doing for you. It sounds like she needs a break and she’s at the end of her tether.

alexdgr8 · 06/04/2022 03:04

is she ill.
sounds like she feels put upon, taken for granted.
does she have an illness.

Seema1234 · 06/04/2022 03:11

Sounds like she's stressed. Is it possible she has health concerns that she hasn't told you about? Maybe she's finding the amount of time you and your DS are there too much ? I don't agree with her outburst and would find some other childcare for at least part of the week. But there must be a reason for this.

knittingaddict · 06/04/2022 03:27

I don't recognise the swearing, but the losing control? It's something I've done, but not in front of my daughter or grandchildren. It honestly sounds like your mum is doing too much, is bled dry and isn't coping. I know how she feels.

The swearing and anger is not ok, but be honest with yourself op, are you asking too much from your family?

HappyMeal564 · 06/04/2022 03:50

To be honest I'd be fed up if I was a grandparent helping my daughter with her child so she could have a career and social time to be told I should put cakes etc in the cupboard instead of on the side so the child doesn't keep going on. No the swearing is wrong and so is the shouting but she sounds rather put upon. And the child still had the cake after all that.

CheedarChese · 06/04/2022 04:11

You did absolutely nothing wrong. She's 100% in the wrong. She has issues. What did your Dad say? Some of the things she's said indicate she's troubled, dead sooner than you think, is she hiding a severe illness/disease?

1forAll74 · 06/04/2022 04:18

You have obviously got on her nerves somewhat, for making an issue about the cakes and things, when, like a lot of grandparents like to put some goodies out when people visit, and wouldn't like anyone to be critical about where they put the plates etc. This is not something to be getting in a state about.! (keep calm, and eat more cake)

MrsTimRiggins · 06/04/2022 04:34

I don’t want to sound horrible here but.. why are you surprised? You really should’ve expected this, given she used to act the same way with you when you were a child, and possibly still as an adult (hard to tell by your post) so she has form. This is who she is.
You’re relying on them in a massive way and really, it’s probably too much. They’re not his parents, they have done their time. I don’t think you can dictate what they do and where they choose to put snacks etc in their own home in order to work around a small child who isn’t theirs and seemingly doesn’t really hear the word ‘no’ given he had the cake anyway.
I think the reasonable thing to do would be to look at alternative childcare and stop seeing it as a given that your parents will have your son so often and when they do, accept that (within reason!) it’s their home, their rules.
All that being said, I wouldn’t accept her swearing at my toddler in that way. I would really need to believe she was sorry before I would leave him with them again… but as I’ve said already, she has form.

Billybagpuss · 06/04/2022 04:35

Have you asked her if there is anything on her mind. It sounds like something is going on.

Namechanger617 · 06/04/2022 04:43

You say her involvement with your son is huge and you obviously rely on her a great deal, yet you are trying to dictate how she arranges things in her own house

I agree with this. Sounds like you were looking for an argument then didn’t like it when you got one. Fair enough the swearing isn’t ideal but she’s only human and I think most people would be very displeased if someone tried to tell them how to arrange their own home, especially if it’s someone you do a lot for. So I’d be more pissed off if I was your mum tbh.

ittakes2 · 06/04/2022 04:48

Please google inattentive adhd and see if you think that applies to her.

DropYourSword · 06/04/2022 04:51

I think previous posters have lost their marbles!
Your mum screamed and swore at a 2 year old for being a normal 2 year old. It's so not on. If she had an issue with you, so should have talked to you, not treated your child like that.

It does sound like she's got an awful lot on her mind, but it's really not acceptable to say that to her grandchild!

sweetbellyhigh · 06/04/2022 05:00

Horrible. This is abuse. That feeling you get in the moment of shock and horror and wanting out, remember that feeling and use it to inform your parenting going forward. For example, spending much less time with your mother.

I dare say she feels put upon and is of that generation of women who were expected to do endless shit and not complain. It all builds up and they either get massively passive aggressive or are volatile.

Look, she isn't going to change.

As I type this I feel that you will all carry on as if nothing happened, and repeat this pattern for many years. But I hope you will be one of the few people to try to break the cycle of abuse by reducing your son's contact with your mum.

poormee · 06/04/2022 05:10

It's awful and not deserved in anyway. Not sure what you can do going forward though? Options are try to talk to her about it and explain it's unacceptable or reduce contact/meet elsewhere. It wouldn't be acceptable for me to allow that to continue and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her alone with dc in case it happens when your not there.

PotteringAlong · 06/04/2022 05:22

Which I thought was a perfectly reasonable comment. If this was someone else's house, I would never suggest what or where they put anything, but we practically live there,

But you don’t live there. It’s not your house. I think I would look at how much time you’re spending there and how much you’re asking her to do, single parent or not, it’s not her job to raise your son. She’s his granny, not his mother,

I suspect that this was a “straw that broke the camels back” moment. There are obviously issues that build and build and build and then come out.

Weatherwax13 · 06/04/2022 05:41

That's absolutely horrible for your DC.
I'm definitely not excusing your mother for scaring him, but she sounds at the end of her rope to have exploded like that.
You say you practically live there.
Is she exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful?
Also, if she's always reacted to stress like this I do think you're naive to think she'd change the habits of a lifetime.
I think you need to work swiftly on different arrangements for yourself and DC as your mother may not be coping.
So it's not fair to have DC somewhere he's going to bear the brunt of outbursts like this.

AuntieMarys · 06/04/2022 05:59

Has she been diagnosed with a terminal illness and isn't telling you?

KatieKat88 · 06/04/2022 05:59

I don't think any amount of support makes it acceptable to scream and swear at a two year old.

I would try to talk to her - if she's apologetic, if there's something going on underneath all of this, I'd do my best to work something out. We all lose our patience and how we respond when we've cooled down is telling.

If she isn't apologetic, can't see that she's acted inappropriately, this is part of a wider pattern? I'd dial back on the amount of contact your son is having with her and find alternative childcare. That one incident won't scar him, but if it's part of a wider pattern it might.

ifyouturnonthelight · 06/04/2022 06:12

Do you let him lick the Cake? That's vile

PAFMO · 06/04/2022 06:14

@AuntieMarys

Has she been diagnosed with a terminal illness and isn't telling you?

Wtf?

OP- she clearly isn't coping with looking after a toddler to that extent. Toddlers are, excuse the pun, fucking hard work. I realised how relaxing and easy a full days teaching was in comparison when I went back to work.

She shouldn't have lost it, but it sounds like she's at the end of her tether with the babysitting.

You shouldn't be telling her how to do things in her house.

It's maybe an arrangement that needs looking at with you finding an alternative at least for some of the time.

Hell0G00dbye · 06/04/2022 06:15

I think you’re a bit stuck OP as you’re obviously hugely reliant on her. I agree the swearing was not good and the shouting especially if he was frightened. It sounds like perhaps she’s had some bad news about her health? Or this could be a sign she isn’t coping? I think perhaps you need to pull back on your reliance on your parents both for your son and her.

Flip

1 2 3