What Would You Do: Grandparent swearing at toddler

[Anon2121]

Hey everyone, so this evening has been pretty traumatic for me because I am so worried about the effects nights like this have on such a young and prime-time of a child's life.

Please excuse the length of this, I tried to get all the info in!

Here's the scope...

Generally we all have a good relationship - myself, my son, my mother and my father (his grandparents). Their involvement is HUGE because I am a single mum and this helps me massively in ways where I can have my career, time when I need it etc.

However tonight my mum (his grandmother) just lost it. It started because my son wanted the cake that gets left out on the side. Now I'm not strict, but I am aware of what he eats and tries to encourage more healthy eating (like most parents). Before dinner, he found some chocolate so he had that. My mum said he had some cake earlier too. I know he is only asking because he can see it on the side and wants it (like children do). Every time I go to the house, there are always biscuits, chocolates, cake, some sort of sweet thing out on the side (which is lovely when you're a guest, but not necessarily for toddlers). My son see's these things, asks for it, and they always give in. As long as it's not much, I try to tell myself that it's okay and I don't cause a fuss. I look at him as a person and it's not like I don't have the odd cake here and there!

But the point is, he's having this stuff because he see's it and wants it. It's right in front of him, and so I don't blame him. I say that we should put the stuff in the cupboards so it's hidden - out of sight, out of mind. Which I thought was a perfectly reasonable comment. If this was someone else's house, I would never suggest what or where they put anything, but we practically live there, and this should make a difference on how much sweet he eats, as he's around it all the time.

Anyway, my mum ended up yelling - she stood up, started opening and slamming cupboards, shouting "where, where do I f put it?!". There's an actual cupboard for crisps and snacks, so I thought there would be perfect (not to mention it keeps the house tidier!!). I don't really know why she has been set off like a firework, but over my lifetime she has always had these outbursts where something is said and it's like a switch has been flicked. Two minutes ago, my mum and I was sat casually at the dining room table chatting away nicely.

She then turns around at my son, starts flailing her arms shouting "just stop f asking for cake and chocolate all the f time!!" It wasn't just the swearing, it was the way she said it. With so much anger, hostility, at the top of her lungs. I said in response "how dare you speak to him like that". I was honestly shocked she could speak to him like that. I can't imagine ever doing that. She has been like that with me plenty of times, but he really was just an innocent little boy in this. She looks at me in the eyes and said with such vengeance "I don't f care... I don't f care alright. I'll be dead soon anyway, and it won't f matter. Sooner than you think and I'll be looking down on you struggling, and then what..." and she storms upstairs. So she goes off on this tangent and then doesn't speak to anyone (the usual thing). I look over at my son, who the first time ever, is staring into space, dead quiet, incrementally licking the top of the cake (which I'm actually glad he has now for some sort of comfort!). It's one of those things where you think, shout at me, but don't damage him. No matter what I could say or do to comfort him, he's there, he's heard it, he felt it. I feel heartbroken for him that he had to witness that, and I keep going over it in my head. Why is it that such a little thing has been blown out of control?

I am upset of what my son had to experience, and I feel angry that my mother can't even control her responses in front of a two year old. And I don't know what to do going forward. Following the usual patterns, she'll act like it's never happened soon enough and life will be back to "normal". But I am trying my best to raise him on how to express emotions properly, and treating everyone with respect (like this little thing could have been dealt with such dignity and class, and I'm still trying to comprehend why it wasn't). I've especially been made so aware of it all after my abusive ex (his father), who also struggled controlling his emotions and had his fair share of outbursts too. I am worried that already some of it could be in the genes, and I want to teach my son properly on how to handle life's situations, and my mum's example in what went on tonight, is exactly what I'm trying to steer him away from.

Why couldn't a calm conversation be the way to overcome the issue?
I could never understand this because these outbursts doesn't achieve anything except divide us further apart. I feel like it was such a small issue in the grand scheme of things, that has been made into a real big one. One with psychological effects.

Please help. Did I do anything in this to set her off? I'm concerned about my son, but apart from counteracting it by showing kindness and love, I don't know what to do? And what would you do going forward?

Any comments will be appreciated.

Many thanks x

agree
sounds to me like she was at the end of her tether

did you ask her if she was alright?
is she tired?
does she drink alcohol?

I’d be seriously rethinking babysitting…

I’d cut her some slack. Sounds like she does loads for you and just lost it in the moment. We all make mistakes. Role model how to deal with it.
You could say mum I really appreciate everything you do for me and you must have felt really under a lot of stress or pressure to have an outburst like that.

Hopefully that then gives her the opportunity to share how she is feeling.

Have you tried to ask her if she's ok?

In any case, you can ask if you are putting too much pressure on her, and if there is anything you can do.
And also say that you are not happy for your child to be yelled at - perhaps she may reflect on it if you point out that he will become scared of her.

Have you spoken to her about it yet?

I agree with you on the cake/choc - they absolutely don't need it at that age and I'd not be happy at all if others gave my kid this stuff regularly, leaving it out for them to see deliberately.

but we practically live there - this is a massive problem and needs to end right now. This is not fair on your son.

That outburst sounds really odd. It immediately made me think of some of the strange things my mum said and did when she was right in the middle of the menopause and her emotions were all over the place. Presumably your mum is too old for that but could it be something similar? How often does she lose it like that?

@Sleepyquest

What would I do? I'd tell her what she did and why it was unacceptable. Make her take responsibility and apologise to him. Basically like a child. If she didn't, it would play on my mind until my dying days to be honest! Does she have something going on, given her comments about dying??

Do you really think that now this is appropriate? Apologies for and from toddlers need to be at the time. Otherwise that is more about point making and power.

I'd be concerned about your mum - she's obviously struggling whether thats with an illness, the menopause or just having to look after your child for what sounds like huge amounts of time. You need to speak to her calmly and check in with her, you've been taking advantage by the sounds of it and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Your DS will be fine - a one off outburst isn't ideal obviously but it's not the end of the world.

It sounds to me like your parents are, as grandparents, picking up more than their fair share of parenting, not just for you to work but also for you to socialise.

You're then telling her how to run her house and that in effect it's not to your standard...

I can see how, tired after looking after your child etc and with that about how she should rearrange her kitchen, didn't go down well!

Some people do have a personality where they reach their limit and explode, and that according to your op sounds like this is your mum's. Not ideal, but also not an offence. Though your lack of understanding how your needs being met by your parents maybe a major factor is concerning.

Swearing isn't ideal. But let's be honest, if this has happened once in 2 to 3 years, it's not a frequent occurrence. Not ideal. But also no understanding of how the op's behaviour contributed towards this(many people would be bristled and pissed off with being told to tidy up their kitchen and reorganise it so they can provide free childcare to your child!)

Your child will not have been negatively impacted from this incident and I understand the implications from having also suffered dv. But us wanting better for our children, as that's about teaching resilience and showing them what's acceptable and not. As a one off or odd blow, you can do this. If you don't think you can then you need to reduce their parenting responsibilities and take this on yourself or pay for childcare.

There was also a lack of concern over what your mum said at the end. It would make me worry that there are underlying health issues.

Reading between the lines, I'm guessing it's not the first time OP has heard "I'll be dead soon" or similar from her mum.

OP, she was like this when you were growing up and with you as an adult. Unfortunately she's now shown she will be like that with your son. I think you need to dramatically reduce the amount of time he spends with her

My MIL is like this and the kids hate visiting, so in the end she may find your child being less inclined to visit granny

I think your Mum sounds exhausted and lost it when you suggested she put a cake away in her own house.
It's your job to hold the boundary of cake or no cake, it's not other peoples jobs to be putting certain food items away in their own houses as a toddler is asking for some.
Your child asks for cake, you are there, you don't want him to have cake, you say 'No' It's very simple. He may scream, you remove hm.
It also sounds as if you need to unattach from your parents.

OP, I suggest you get this thread moved to Relationships.

I am pretty horrified to read the majority of responses, by people who clearly have zero understanding of toxic and dysfunctional parents. So many people saying that the mother must be ill or stressed and blaming the OP for her abusive outburst. This is not a one-off; the mother did it to the OP when she was a child. An emotionally healthy person would not subject their young child or grandchild to this kind of rage and abuse on a regular basis.

It is perfectly reasonable to suggest that cakes and other treats are put away and kept out of sight, out of mind. OP, you did nothing wrong and you did not cause this; it's not your fault. Your mother's behaviour is her responsibility.

My advice is to read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward and do not allow your parents to have any unsupervised contact with your child. Find other solutions for childcare.

I think you need to find alternative childcare, I have a toddler and its bloody hard work, In 20 or 30 years time I won’t be fit to look after one. I’d be quite annoyed about Dd coming into my house and telling me what to do if I was doing her such a massive favour, it’s not a race to the bottom but many people don’t get time to socialise with small kids and I think you probably need to be a bit more grateful for how much time and money they are saving you.

Your mum needs to think about how she spoke to your child, it’s clearly not acceptable and I think she needs to be able to say if she can’t look after him as much as she’s already doing. If this is a one off then thats forgivable, everyone loses their shit occasionally.

@ChoiceMummy

It sounds to me like your parents are, as grandparents, picking up more than their fair share of parenting, not just for you to work but also for you to socialise.

You're then telling her how to run her house and that in effect it's not to your standard...

I can see how, tired after looking after your child etc and with that about how she should rearrange her kitchen, didn't go down well!

Some people do have a personality where they reach their limit and explode, and that according to your op sounds like this is your mum's. Not ideal, but also not an offence. Though your lack of understanding how your needs being met by your parents maybe a major factor is concerning.

Swearing isn't ideal. But let's be honest, if this has happened once in 2 to 3 years, it's not a frequent occurrence. Not ideal. But also no understanding of how the op's behaviour contributed towards this(many people would be bristled and pissed off with being told to tidy up their kitchen and reorganise it so they can provide free childcare to your child!)

Your child will not have been negatively impacted from this incident and I understand the implications from having also suffered dv. But us wanting better for our children, as that's about teaching resilience and showing them what's acceptable and not. As a one off or odd blow, you can do this. If you don't think you can then you need to reduce their parenting responsibilities and take this on yourself or pay for childcare.

There was also a lack of concern over what your mum said at the end. It would make me worry that there are underlying health issues.

This.

Obviously it's unacceptable that she shouted and swore at your son. She needs to address that and apologise.

However she sounds absolutely at the end of her tether, stressed and actually quite ill.
I think you need to evaluate if you're asking too much of your parents, and whether or not she is actually unwell. The comment about death is really concerning.

I also don't think it's a coincidence that you ended up in an abusive relationship, since you have been subjected to verbal abuse from your mother all your life.

To be honest I'd be fed up if I was a grandparent helping my daughter with her child so she could have a career and social time to be told I should put cakes etc in the cupboard instead of on the side so the child doesn't keep going on. No the swearing is wrong and so is the shouting but she sounds rather put upon. And the child still had the cake after all that.

Agree with this. You need to use a childminder & accept less social time. She sounds stressed out & toddlers are hard work. Also I don't know why you're surprised if she spoke to you like this? Why are you expecting her to turn Into Mary Poppins just because she's a grandparent?

Is DS father around?

Sorry I re-read your post, you mum has anger issues. You ned to stop being there all the time. If you know your mum has these outbursts then you need to remove your son from the situation. If she’s always been like that then you have a responsibility to protect your son. You can’t make her stop having outbursts but you can stop exposing your son to it.

That isn't acceptable behaviour to anyone far less a child and you need to have a conversation about it. However as many others have said, it isn't your house and of you don't like how she runs it you don't have to go..For me the highlighting point is that during all this your son took the cake he wanted. Having grown up with an abusive parent I would have been so terrified during that outburst I couldn't have moved never mind taking cake and started eating which makes me wonder if theres a bigger picture.

There’s something up with your mum. That kind of outburst is not normal. It wasn’t normal when you were a child and it’s not normal now.

PAFMO
If you read OPs post her mum says she'll be dead sooner than you think.

Was very wrong of her to shout and swear at your som like that but sounds like it was actually aimed at you. You are asking an awful lot of them. Think it's time you stopped "basically living there".

Yes, toxic and dysfunctional people sometimes use emotional blackmail and manipulation, such as telling people they are going to die soon. It may or may not be true.

Your mum shouldn't have yelled at your son.

But what are you doing using her as childcare when she's always been like this ? Why did you think she'd be different with your son? You need to find alternative care and not "practically live there" if you don't want your son negatively affected.

I am a single parent and have had to make the decision to keep my kids away from my mother as she does the super random outbursts too. I am proud that my kids don't know what it's like to live like that and unlike my relationship with my mum, I have good relationships with my kids which have gradually evolved into adult ones unlike my mum who would treat me like I'm 7 if I was still in her life. I am happy that the cycle of abuse from mum ended with my generation. She's not even met my kids because it's my job to protect them.

While your suggestion isn't unreasonable, I suspect that her over reaction is resentment at the way things currently are.

Your mum should apologise to your toddler and you should apologise to your mum. Looking after a two year old is bloody hard work and I'm sure most parents / carers have lost it one time or another. Your mum's explosion was bad though. It won't have harmed the child. I have a family member who does this sometimes. We just explain to our child that it's not OK afterwards. In an ideal scenario maybe you should have firmly told the boy, no more cakes and stop asking for them now. As opposed to criticising your mum. At two it's time he started learning to exercise some control.