AIBU - Standoffish newborn? Help!

[Amtheyest17]

Hello,

So not sure if I am being unreasonable/ridiculous but I feel like I have a standoffish newborn - he’s currently 10 days old. He never cries to be picked up or cuddled, only ever cries for food, to be changed or if he’s windy and even then he just fusses kicking his legs like he’s trying to sort it himself if we pick him up to try and wind him it’s like we’re making it worse. Since birth we’ve had no problems getting him to nap/sleep in his dockatot (supervised) or his snuzpod (overnight) I know some may say we are lucky, I’m just feeling a bit disheartened and like a milk machine - I’m really struggling with breastfeeding & dread every feed but those are the only times I hold him. If he’s been fussy and I pick him up, he just kicks off and starts head butting and rooting for food. If my DH picks him up, calms him and hands him to me he will just scream until I give him the boob. Maybe worth mentioning he’s a big baby and surpassed his birth weight after a week!

Is this normal for newborns? Everyone at NCT moan that their babies won’t be put down but I feel like mine doesn’t need me that much apart from to be fed! I tried him in a sling the other day and he HATED it. Anyone else’s newborn like this and end up as an affectionate toddler?

My Second son was like this, first born was very much a velcro baby so it throw me a bit, all that changed after 7 weeks and even ended up co sleeping he got so clingy

I was apparently like this, all my other siblings being Velcro babies. Would sleep everywhere and didn’t need rocking or picking up, slept through the night after 8 weeks. Then I turned 1 and started following my mother everywhere even to the bathroom. We’re extremely close now.

My mum says that she would’ve enjoyed it much more if she knew what the alternative was (all the screaming babies that followed me ).

My eldest was a bit like this. The word for her, inane as it sounds, was “independent”. She wanted to be held outward-facing even before she had head control!

She’s now a charming, feisty, hilarious and loving almost-five-year-old, with loads of friends, and we get along brilliantly.

I wouldn’t read too much into the behaviour of a 10-day-old. Take it as a win that you’re able to put him down, and use some of that “spare time” (ha!) for your physical recovery.

Also, it’s normal to feel like a milk machine at this stage, no matter the “personality” of your baby. In essence, it’s what we are in the early days. I feel like somewhere around 2-3 months, when the baby has longer awake stretches and starts really engaging and cooing and smiling, the sense of being no more than a dairy cow dissipates.

Congrats on your new little person!!!

My 8 week olds favourite parent is the bouncer chair 🙄 honestly sometimes he can be screaming the place down so we put him down and he stops, we could move out and literally anyone else in the world could move in and he wouldn’t bat an eyelid 🤣

So I’m interested too to see if my child will like me at some point in the future 😅

A good rule of thumb is that almost everything (apart from illness is normal. If he’s rooting for the breast feed him - you can’t over feed a breastfed baby.

10 days is very early. He could change yet. He sounds like a contented boy.
He can smell the milk on you. It’s ok to pop him on whenever you like. So if you want a cuddle maybe try combining it with a feed.

@Strawberry0909 @EileenGC

Both your accounts are encouraging! Thank you - I know if I had a Velcro baby I would probs struggle especially if he wouldn’t go down at night BUT I think so early on you’ve been through so much to get them here, selfishly you just want something back, and to feel like they need you! At the moment I’m finding it hard to bond with him being so independent, especially as I hate BF so much!

Every baby is different. You are ascribing adult emotions to a newborn that just isn't how they work. They know nothing right now and don't have any sort of attitude or belief or anything

You have a contented, good sleeper. Be grateful!
The fact he doesn't cry to be held doesn't mean you don't hold him. Just give him lots of cuddles and attention. It's not a bad thing that he isn't crying all the time.

His needs are being met. That's all he wants right now.

Enjoy it while it lasts and just give him lots of interaction

He's 10 days old. There's really nothing much going on upstairs. It's ok. He's in no way rejecting you.

Your baby is ten days old. The only thing ten day old babies are interested in is milk. There’s no such thing as a “standoffish” ten day old baby FFS.

If your husband is able to calm him and then he start rooting once he’s handed back to you, he is still hungry. You can distract them temporarily, but not once they can smell milk on you. There is no point fighting this, just accept you ard going to be spending most of the next six weeks not doing much except feeding a baby. It passes.

Seriously, you will look back at this in six months time and laugh at yourself. Just feed your baby, and wait for him to grow up enough to notice there is a world beyond milk, and he’ll be attached to you, I promise.

DS only woke up for food in the first week or two. He had two states - asleep, or crying for food. Literally nothing else. He turned into a perky, affectionate and inquisitive three month old. This is just what the newborn stage is like (and why a lot of parents don’t enjoy it, at least with the second one where they have something to compare it to).

He’s also not being independent! He’s after you for milk! That’s not independence.

@IncompleteSenten thank you! Your response makes a lot of sense, yesterday I did pick him up when he was asleep and had him sleep on me for an hour and it was lovely! I’m trying to interact with him a bit more - guess I’m worried that as he is so content and ‘self sufficient’ we’re being neglectful as he just eats and sleeps & we kind of leave him to it. Just because he’s not asking for affection doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give it to him, which I’m worried we’re not really doing right now!

I think your baby is hungry - for the first few weeks every time I held my baby I was feeding. She would finish feeding and then go to sleep and I could cuddle her peacefully

@Amtheyest17 can you get any support for breastfeeding of you are hating it currently? I do think the first few weeks its being like a milk machine, but once they start smiling at you it gets better,

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers Thank you! I’ll keep trying to look at the positives like being able to have ten mins on Instagram haha I hope he turns out as lovely as your daughter sounds! :) I’m really looking forward to him interacting a bit more!

@Strawberry0909 yes have some support, I’m giving it another couple of days before potentially putting him on a bottle! We just have a number of issues; oversupply which causes a bad latch,, he’s very heavy and strong & can already hold his head up so even getting him on I can’t do alone! My nipples are also in pieces so I’m in tears every feed - none of this ideal when you’ve got a baby who is never full!

But newborns feed at the breast for comfort and lots of other reasons other than just food, he's not just looking for it for food, feeding and you are providing comfort for him, security, warmth, your heartbeat and smell.

Try a sling, some babies who don't seem to like being held often like a sling.

"Just because he’s not asking for affection doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give it to him"

Exactly.

Just cuddle him and talk to him.

When mine were newborns my husband would have full on conversations with them, pretending they were replying and everything.

The interaction is so important.

I don't remember my dc interacting at that age. I fed them, they slept, I fed them, they slept. That was pretty much it. Aren't they a bit like cats at that age? Awake for an hour or so day (or night in dd's case). Mine used to be more agitated with me because they wanted feeding. It's about 6 weeks before you get any feedback from them in the form of a smile or anything.

Having said that, I did struggle to bond with dc2. She was such, such hard work.i was terrified she was going to die, but also full of a guilt at running dc1's life by having such a needy baby when dc1 was still so young. I think I had raging pnd, but ignored it and spent a lot of time out with both dc, walking for miles.
I still feel guilty now, over a decade later, at my loving dd like I should have. Not that she's been affected; she's the more loving and sociable of the 2.

Oh, and bf was an utterly twatb for about 4 weeks. I had thrush and the pain was incredible. I used to take paracetamol before I thought a feed was due. I also had v v impressive, spurty let down, which used to cause poor ds to splutter a lot. Cluster feeding almost ended bf for me, but I wanted to win.

To your baby you are the thing that brings food and that is about it. As blunt as it sounds. At ten days old, they don't want or need much else TBH.

My youngest was a bit like this around two weeks. I didn't even BF but he would fuss on me until eventually I put him on the boob for a few days to shut him up. Even though he never actually got anything out of it. My milk dried out soon afterwards and he stopped it. So it could be something hormonal.

In all honesty if you're not enjoying BF, you can stop it you know.

I’m still waiting for proper cuddles at 16 months 😂 My son is definitely more affectionate now though. He will actually come to me to sit in my lap and bring me a book to read 🥰

My DD could never be soothed by me picking her up and cuddling her when she was tiny and would literally fight me off if she wasn't in the mood. The only thing that worked was a bloody dummy!

As bonkers as it sounds I think she just didn't enjoy being tiny and helpless as by 5/6 months she was gorgeous and went on to be a thoroughly cuddly toddler and child.

She's nearly 18 now and still sometimes comes for a cuddle on the sofa or jumps in bed with me for a hug and a chat.

My middle son was a dick to me for ages after birth! Absolute dick. We have pictures of him eye rolling me! It's so funny now, how he really seemed furious at me. (Don't @ me, I'm speaking my truth) at one point I took him to my Health Visitor, they checked over him for his sight and hearing, all fine. He just seemed so... nonchalant about everything.
Then about 4 months into this little one being quite annoyed by us all, he just... omg, he transformed! Into the most wonderful, affectionate, happy little sausage. He really did, his faces stopped being ones of indifference and irritation at us, he would smile.
He stopped getting cross at cuddles and wanted them.
To this day he runs out of school with arms open for cuddles.
He makes me gush I adore him so much.
Not just that "mum love", I Absolutely love being around him. His energy, kindness, he's everything.
I love my other kids too, please don't think he's favoured, but this boy just woke up from a good sleep and became very special.
I have 2 ASD children so I did suspect he was also ASD, but nope, he was just a total cranky arse.

Look at it this way, he's been through a lot, he may have really enjoyed womb life. He might need more sleep and food until he's ready to let his little personality show.

Please dont over think it.
Some babies really don't like being fussed, but that's tough, mama needs snuggles. You take them 🤣x

Mine was similar to this in a lot of ways - he didn’t like much as a tiny baby to be honest and cried no matter if he was being held or put down. The thing he hated the most though was being held in any sort of embrace. He also screamed himself stupid in the sling, unless we loaded him in on the verge of sleep. From a tiny age, maybe a few weeks old, he was only happy being walked round, facing outwards, looking at the world.

He also wanted to breastfeed permanently. It’s the only way he’d accept any kind of close embrace. I think this is normal though to be honest.

It got better when he could forward face in the sling. He adored that. Basically it got better with every milestone.

He’s a toddler now. He’s gorgeous and funny but still hates any kind of embrace. He’s fiercely independent and not at all cuddly, but I’m cool with that!

My eldest really wasn't that into being held when he was a tiny baby unless I was feeding him (and he also didn't feed as often as a lot of babies I knew). This morning he insisted on coming to the loo with me because 'I miss you too much when you're gone, mummy'. I don't know if that's comforting or frightening!

With oversupply you absolutely can overfeed a bf baby. And if your nipples are shredded, that's the last thing you need to be doing. What are his nappies like?