AIBU - Standoffish newborn? Help!

[Amtheyest17]

Hello,

So not sure if I am being unreasonable/ridiculous but I feel like I have a standoffish newborn - he’s currently 10 days old. He never cries to be picked up or cuddled, only ever cries for food, to be changed or if he’s windy and even then he just fusses kicking his legs like he’s trying to sort it himself if we pick him up to try and wind him it’s like we’re making it worse. Since birth we’ve had no problems getting him to nap/sleep in his dockatot (supervised) or his snuzpod (overnight) I know some may say we are lucky, I’m just feeling a bit disheartened and like a milk machine - I’m really struggling with breastfeeding & dread every feed but those are the only times I hold him. If he’s been fussy and I pick him up, he just kicks off and starts head butting and rooting for food. If my DH picks him up, calms him and hands him to me he will just scream until I give him the boob. Maybe worth mentioning he’s a big baby and surpassed his birth weight after a week!

Is this normal for newborns? Everyone at NCT moan that their babies won’t be put down but I feel like mine doesn’t need me that much apart from to be fed! I tried him in a sling the other day and he HATED it. Anyone else’s newborn like this and end up as an affectionate toddler?

Get some multimam compresses for your nips honestly they are worth the money and you can cut in 2 so they go further.
Would say your early days with bf it does get easier if you can get past the 3 week mark.

As for baby my DS was like this minus the sleeping part with me, it's easy to feel like a dairy bar only! But a friend told me that bf was giving comfort making him feel secure etc. I also found doing some baby massage with him from early days actually really helped us both and with bonding too.

I was apparently like this. My brother was a velcro baby, never slept and a collicky nightmare. I came along and so mum did the same for me as she had for him and I wouldbt stop crying. They finally realised I generally just wanted to be left alone to sleep apart from feeding and changing. just remember babies haven't read the manual and each one is different. Mum said it was actually a saving grace for her because my brother still took up so much of her time as he still wasn't sleeping, having toddler night terrors and being an incredibly fussy eater (18months older) so once she realised I was very low maintenance it took some of the pressure off. I made up for it in my teenage years though, don't worry. My brother was the easiest teen ever and I was....not.

What was your birth experience like, OP? I think that can make a big difference in the early days- DS took three days being born and by the end we were both exhausted and he slept so much at first I used to worry there was something wrong. DD on the other hand was born in about 30 minutes and full of beans from the start.

I'd definitely try to resist thinking in adult terms like standoffish or independent, even positive adult terms like affectionate. No newborn baby is any of these things. At the moment, he's barely aware that he's been born and certainly won't be thinking of himself as a person and you as another person to whom he can be standoffish or affectionate, if you see what I mean.

Babies who hate to be put down as newborns often like being carried because it's more like being in the womb- feeling held is like feeling contained, and the movement of being carried around is familiar. It's not because they're thinking "I love having cuddles with my mum"- it's not being affectionate, in the sense adults use the word. So I definitely wouldn't see your son's preferences and reactions as a lack of affection, if that makes any sense. He's just finding his own way of learning to exist in the world, same as the velcro babies are.

Feeding a lot and sleeping a lot is totally normal. Are there other ways you can feel physically close to him if he doesn't want to be held- just spending time resting a hand on him while he sleeps, talking to him and being close. I'm sorry to hear that the breastfeeding is painful- would recommend a call to La Leche League for advice.

Hang on in there. You and your son have been through so much together in ten days. Try not to judge or categorise yourself as a mum or him as a baby. You are doing brilliantly.