AIBU - Standoffish newborn? Help!

[Amtheyest17]

Hello,

So not sure if I am being unreasonable/ridiculous but I feel like I have a standoffish newborn - he’s currently 10 days old. He never cries to be picked up or cuddled, only ever cries for food, to be changed or if he’s windy and even then he just fusses kicking his legs like he’s trying to sort it himself if we pick him up to try and wind him it’s like we’re making it worse. Since birth we’ve had no problems getting him to nap/sleep in his dockatot (supervised) or his snuzpod (overnight) I know some may say we are lucky, I’m just feeling a bit disheartened and like a milk machine - I’m really struggling with breastfeeding & dread every feed but those are the only times I hold him. If he’s been fussy and I pick him up, he just kicks off and starts head butting and rooting for food. If my DH picks him up, calms him and hands him to me he will just scream until I give him the boob. Maybe worth mentioning he’s a big baby and surpassed his birth weight after a week!

Is this normal for newborns? Everyone at NCT moan that their babies won’t be put down but I feel like mine doesn’t need me that much apart from to be fed! I tried him in a sling the other day and he HATED it. Anyone else’s newborn like this and end up as an affectionate toddler?

You have unrealistic expectations of a new born.

All they require is to be fed and be kept comfortable. Social interaction/ awareness of other people comes later. Much later.

His head is just lolling about; support it at all times. He hasn't got the strength or co-ordination for head butting. His head flops and his legs and arms kick and flail around because he has no control of them whatsoever.

When he cries, he is either hungry or has wind ; it is NOT anger or social rejection or any negative comment on your mothering. He is not even aware of you as a separate entity.

@IncompleteSenten

Every baby is different. You are ascribing adult emotions to a newborn that just isn't how they work. They know nothing right now and don't have any sort of attitude or belief or anything

You have a contented, good sleeper. Be grateful!
The fact he doesn't cry to be held doesn't mean you don't hold him. Just give him lots of cuddles and attention. It's not a bad thing that he isn't crying all the time.

His needs are being met. That's all he wants right now.

Enjoy it while it lasts and just give him lots of interaction

He's 10 days old. There's really nothing much going on upstairs. It's ok. He's in no way rejecting you.

all the above!

I remember it just being a constant cycle of feed, change, sleep, repeat at that age. With 1-2 hours sleep for me in the middle if I was lucky. They're really only awake for a very short window at that age. It was later on that my DC became 'clingy' and we had to cuddle/rock to sleep. I suspect your baby is getting everything they need at this stage and honestly, they change so quickly just use the time to rest before the next stage kicks in.

Your baby is ten days old. The only thing ten day old babies are interested in is milk. There’s no such thing as a “standoffish” ten day old baby FFS.

This.

His head is just lolling about; support it at all times. He hasn't got the strength or co-ordination for head butting.

And this.

Also, if you baby is rooting for food, then he's still hungry. Just feed him.

Thank you for all of the lovely replies! Some of them are a bit tougher - let’s just remember I’m a FTM trying my best and looking for a bit of support, as I’m not sure what’s normal. If we can’t be supportive and kind let’s just keep it moving ❤️

Also for those saying about his head…not that it matters but he can literally hold it up. I.e if we lie him on his front on us - he fully lifts his head - even the midwife was shocked, so yes he does headbut (obviously not with intent, but apparently it’s normal) . Very strong little boy!

Also, just to add my current experience is of my friends ALL having ‘Velcro babies’ so there’s no one around me right now who I’ve been able to ask if him sleeping, not seeming to need comfort is normal :)

Very gently OP- he is only 10 days old! All he needs is milk and sleep- he may very soon decide to kick the sleeping habit and demand milk 24/7 😊.
Newborns are not very interactive. Steal some sneaky sleepy cuddles and hang on in there for a few weeks for the smiles.

I think this is quite normal for newborns. You say he roots for a feed when you pick him up. Newborns feed for comfort as well as hunger. That is also his way of bonding and showing affection rather than cuddling

@Lwren beautiful and real post. I hear you. My brother did a double take at my baby asleep in the pushchair and noted that he looked like a different baby. "Yes", I didn't say, "because it's the only time he doesn't look pissed off!"

[quote Amtheyest17]@Strawberry0909 yes have some support, I’m giving it another couple of days before potentially putting him on a bottle! We just have a number of issues; oversupply which causes a bad latch,, he’s very heavy and strong & can already hold his head up so even getting him on I can’t do alone! My nipples are also in pieces so I’m in tears every feed - none of this ideal when you’ve got a baby who is never full![/quote]
If you want to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula feeding then go ahead and do it. Your breasts and your baby so it's your choice. Don't feel like you have to breastfeed. You might want to combination feed doing some breastfeeding and some formula feeding. Whatever works for you and your baby. I fully formula fed from 2 days old.

FWIW my baby slept a lot for the first 6 weeks and didn't do much other than feeding and sleeping. She "woke up" at about 6 weeks old and become much more interactive.

My first baby wasn't bothered about being held at all. I felt disheartened when other mums would say how clingy their babies were and the advice was 'oh it's because they love you so much' and I thought wow mine just hate me then as she would sleep anywhere.
She's a toddler now, and is mighty independent and not very cuddly. But she has been so easy in so many ways and shows me she loves me in different ways too.

Your baby is 10 days old so you will feel like a feeding machine for a bit, but that will change soon don't worry. Embrace the fact he's so laidback!

My first was like this. He only cried to be fed and disliked cuddles. I was quite upset at the time but it was nice to be able to get on with jobs and wash/dress myself without crying in the background. My second was the complete opposite and has wanted to climb back into my womb since the moment he was born!

[quote Amtheyest17]@IncompleteSenten thank you! Your response makes a lot of sense, yesterday I did pick him up when he was asleep and had him sleep on me for an hour and it was lovely! I’m trying to interact with him a bit more - guess I’m worried that as he is so content and ‘self sufficient’ we’re being neglectful as he just eats and sleeps & we kind of leave him to it. Just because he’s not asking for affection doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give it to him, which I’m worried we’re not really doing right now![/quote]
That’s what newborns do though, they eat, sleep, cry and poo. That’s their life. 10 day old babies don’t show affection and their personality isn’t visible yet. Please stop overthinking.

[quote SummerHouse]@Lwren beautiful and real post. I hear you. My brother did a double take at my baby asleep in the pushchair and noted that he looked like a different baby. "Yes", I didn't say, "because it's the only time he doesn't look pissed off!"[/quote]
Pissed off babies needs to be a sub thread, just pictures of our miracles looking like stewie from family guy 🤣🤣
Thank you! X

At ten days he’s probably still in shock at being born. I would probably be a bit pissed off and want to be left alone too
Give him a couple of weeks and you might get your Velcro baby.

Congratulations to you op

Soul destroying isn’t it! You dedicate your life to their every need and they couldn’t care less who cuddles them, and not even a little smile until much later on.

I remember being really happy the first time my baby actually looked at my face instead of my nipples.

It does get better OP, there was a definite turning point for my DS after a few months when it seemed he’d decided he liked me and DH.

Don’t worry. The insatiable appetite is totally normal. Mine cluster feed for 5/6 hours solid every day at the age until about 6 weeks old. I remember I’d be in bed with snacks from 5pm - 11pm every night just resigned to feeding.

First was a Velcro baby. Second was a contented little soul as liked being held but would also happily lie in the cot or on the playmat and gave lovingly ate me. As long as he could see/hear/smell me or DD he was fine. With DD I couldn’t put her down and didn’t have a single hot cup of tea for the whole of my maternity leave. With DS I could go and make a cup of tea sit down and drink it and he would still be lying there quite happy.

He’s a very cuddly toddler and was a cuddly baby he just was very content. Just because your baby isn’t screaming it doesn’t mean you can cuddle or intact with them. The first smile arrives at 6-8 weeks and that’s just magical as you can see their little personality starting to show. DD was a Velcro baby and barely smiled. DS when her got to six weeks was still very contented but loved smiling x

Enjoy this time when they don't do anything! I got through loads of books and TV shows as DD just ate, pooped and slept, and she was generally quite happy just sleeping in her Moses basket. It does all change very quickly She's 3 now and today I had about 50 cuddles and 'I love you SO MUCH, Mummy'. It'll go the other way soon enough and you'll be all touched out!

My DD was like this, and was breastfed every 45 -60 mins up till 1.5/2 months old! I couldn't touch her without having to give her the breast!

She is a very independent toddler but does have her Velcro moments, I enjoy her personality and I find her to be very much like me so far.

Also, why do you hate breastfeeding (obviously you can feel whatever way you like about it, but is there a specific reason?)

I hated bf for the first 4 weeks as I had flat nipples that had to be pulled out, they tore and bled every feed - it was grim. after 4 weeks they healed though and now it's all good and still bf 18m old!

@Amtheyest17

Thank you for all of the lovely replies! Some of them are a bit tougher - let’s just remember I’m a FTM trying my best and looking for a bit of support, as I’m not sure what’s normal. If we can’t be supportive and kind let’s just keep it moving ❤️

Also for those saying about his head…not that it matters but he can literally hold it up. I.e if we lie him on his front on us - he fully lifts his head - even the midwife was shocked, so yes he does headbut (obviously not with intent, but apparently it’s normal) . Very strong little boy!

Gently, I think the tough responses you're getting are because people are concerned that you are ascribing adult motives/behaviours to your newborn. I would really try to step away from thinking of him as 'stand-offish' or not interested in affection: it doesn't help your mental health and it definitely won't help your relationship with him grow. I think it's really important to bear in mind that at this stage he doesn't even know that you and he are separate beings, so the idea of wanting your affection or - even more sophisticatedly - needing to please you or avoid your unhappiness is just not something he's capable of. He thinks he's attached to you and he expects you to meet his needs.

When our daughter was born our partner had a phase of being really upset by her perceived behaviour - was convinced she didn't like him etc, so I know it's easily done. If you can find your way to being zen about the fact that your baby only knows what he knows, and your job at this stage is just to give him what he needs, it gets easier. Keep on with skin to skin, chat to him, feed him - don't expect much interactivity from him but don't withdraw yours. If breastfeeding is really crap for you to the point it's affecting your bond, don't continue with it. It is not a hill worth dying on.

Try to see things from the angle of "William's rooting, he's hungry"/"William's having a lovely long sleep now" rather than "why does he only want me for milk"/"why won't he come to me for cuddles"... like I said, he doesn't know he's even separate from you. It's all going to be fine. You're in such early days and everything feels crazy, but you can do this and you're doing great.

I had one of mine like this, she just loved her sleep!!!

When I gave up on the Moses basket (she was too big) she stretched out in her cot and seemed thrilled!!

My DS slept so much as a newborn I asked the midwife if something was wrong, she laughed and told me to enjoy it but as long as he had a clean nappy and a full belly he just slept. He is a very affectionate toddler now. Some days he is more affectionate towards me and other days DH but he always wants a cuddle.

@RandomMess - mine was the same! Hated being swaddled, moved to a big cot at 8 weeks, slept liked a starfish, never looked back.