Do you think it's possible to have kids without it interfering with how you live your life?

[blackpoolhouse]

Having become a mum 6 months ago I left my LO for the first time last night for a dinner with some friends.

It felt both good and also odd. A lot of other mum friends leave their babies all the time for things at least once a week to have recharge time.

I feel I am the other end of the spectrum! What is the right balance?

When you had kids how did you let this affect your life? Were you happy to adjust to their needs?

Can you have kids without them interfering in what you want to do? For example holidays, dinners out, events etc.

How often did you leave them to begin with? If at all?

How did you manage?

“ the consensus seems to be that kids shouldn't just fit into your life as their needs are significantly different to adults and should come first”

You needed to start a thread to realise this

No, babies/children do affect your lives. I don’t see how they cannot.

I never went out when they were small by myself. Babies came with us.

The right balance is what works for you. Don’t feel guilty (or be made to feel guilty) if you choose a different route to your friends.

Generally speaking, adjusting to their needs was a rollercoaster experience, and a learning experience. Some bits were good, and other aspects harder. Babies don’t come with a manual — you learn as you go along, and every baby is different.

If you have kids, of coypurse you need to make adjustments, I even if it’s something simple as checking you have a spare nappy packed. As they grow older, the adjustments reduce, but there’ll always be some - going to the zoo rather than a nightclub etc.

You seem to be questioning your approach. If you’re are happy with how things are going, then that’s absolutely fine. I guess this meal has opened your eyes to other approaches. Their way mamas work for them, doesn’t’t mean it’s the best way for you.

Even if you were rich and so could afford multiple nannies, having a child would "interfere" with your life because you have had to hire and pay for multiple nannies. Then keep finding a new one every time one quit, probably over your shit parenting Childcare isn't cheap in the UK.

So I don't understand the point of the thread.

May work..

I don’t think you could truly have it not interfere with your life in the slightest. Being awake through the night, so too tired to do xyz as you used to, having to sort wraparound childcare etc. A lot of people say ‘oh we go on the same holidays as pre kids’ but you don’t really do you? Because you’ve still got to sort the child. So it won’t be exactly the same, there’s just no way.

No.

You can’t have children and it not affect your life.

Unless you’re a feckless waster Dad. But who wants to be That Guy?

@NurseBernard

No.

You can’t have children and it not affect your life.

Unless you’re a feckless waster Dad. But who wants to be That Guy?

Never thought about this though. I suppose the dad of my oldest two has had kids without it interfering with his lifestyle. I mean they wouldn’t know him if they passed him in the street and I haven’t seen him in many years so presumably it hasn’t affected him. But that’s not really having kids is it?

I guess you could try for a television baby. One of those ones that conveniently disappears when you need to have a brawl in the cafe or nip down the pub or get a designers job full time or whatever.

I think you've maybe misinterpreted what your friends said. Being away from your child once a week to see a friend or go to a gym class or whatever is hardly "the child not interfering with their lives".

@Nelliephant1

I never, ever left my children overnight and would never do that.

@Nelliephant1 Why-ever not? Not sure I believe you

@pinkhousesarebest

We were late 30’s by the time we had dc and they changed our lives completely, but we were ready for it as we had done what we wanted for so long. Youngest dc had her 18th last weekend and dh and I legged it to a hotel which is the first time we ever left either of them ( ds is older and at Uni). N

@pinkhousesarebest Why hadn’t you ever left them before your youngest was 18?!

I also have a 6 month old and she’s slept over my mums for the first time last week.
I was really worried and it was so so weird being away from her for a night (she’s been gone a few hours up until then) but I knew she was safe and my mother dotes on her so so much, but it doesn’t make you a bad parent for having an evening or night away from your child! I slept up my grandparents house every Saturday from about 6 months until I was 12 and those are some of the best memories I have, didn’t mean my parents weren’t involved with me or didn’t love me? My mum is the best mum in the world and she lives for me and my sister! I think if you have a good family support system then why not? My mum has also asked that when DD gets older if sleeping over hers can become a weekly or fortnightly occurrence and I’ve agreed. I personally (hard emphases on the personally) think having a few hours to yourself a week is totally normal and doesn’t make you a bad parent in the slightest and parents that don’t leave their kids at all even at the age of 18 is their choice but shouldn’t shame the parents that do have that one night away or a few hours in the week or every other week because that’s also totally normal!
But having a baby does change your life completely, my DD is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I can’t even remember what life was like 6 months ago now haha, I revolve around her completely and she’s just the happiest little babe!

@blackpoolhouse

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. There seems to be a wide range of what people have done but the consensus seems to be that kids shouldn't just fit into your life as their needs are significantly different to adults and should come first. I guess there is pressure (probably self imposed) when you speak to other mums who seem to be getting out there more and back to it and it's taken me 6 months to do it once except for a few yoga classes literally around the corner.

But realistically unless you have childcare on tap it is just a hard thing to do at the beginning!

I guess my next question is what motivates some people to want to keep doing what they were doing rather than look after their own kids?

This comes across very judgey!! I go swimming once a week and sometimes to the gym while 6 month old is with Dad. I have done since about 3 months. His Dad is more than capable and baby has always taken a bottle of expressed milk just fine.

It's good for their bond, baby will equally take comfort from either parent and what 'motivates' me is a desire to look after my mental and physical health to be the best mum possible.

If you left your baby for a few hours at 6 months, then you're not right down the other end of the spectrum! I don't think I left any of mine before about 18 months (it didn't help that they wouldn't sleep more than about 40 minutes at a time, so I didn't even like to go out once they were in bed).

There are so many different ways of being a parent, there's not much point at looking at what "everyone else" is doing. You just have to figure out what feels right for you.

@IncompleteSenten

If having children doesn't affect your life in any way that means you're probably a shit parent.

Instead of just getting ready and going out, you have to make arrangements for childcare.
Instead of leaving the bleach open, you have to make sure it's closed.
I could go on all night 😁 but having a child changes the way you go about practically everything

^^

THIS

@overnightangel

“ the consensus seems to be that kids shouldn't just fit into your life as their needs are significantly different to adults and should come first”

You needed to start a thread to realise this

@overnightangel I didn't need a thread to realise this. I felt it already but wanted some reassurance as a new mum that I wasn't alone in doing things this way. Perhaps I just know a lot of mums who like to think they can continue as they did.

It’s whatever works for you, my first has slept out a few times and we’ve been away once for a couple of days. My 2nd I went back to work full time when she was 6 months old, she’s been in nursery full time since then. If i fancy time to myself I’ll take a cheeky afternoon off work whilst she’s at nursery and my eldest is at school.
They don’t sleep out … as there is no one who can take both of them. But that’s okay as working full time I barely see them so weekends we spend together

@tirednewmumm not meant to be judgey! I've done the same hence the yoga classes! I meant more about choosing holidays you want to go on versus what your child may want to do or holidays conducive to a baby. Or feeling the baby needs to fit around you rather than vice versa.

[quote blackpoolhouse]@tirednewmumm not meant to be judgey! I've done the same hence the yoga classes! I meant more about choosing holidays you want to go on versus what your child may want to do or holidays conducive to a baby. Or feeling the baby needs to fit around you rather than vice versa.[/quote]
Ah i see, there's a big difference between leaving them with the other parent for exercise or meeting a friend for coffee and going on a boozy holiday without them

But I suppose it's just a spectrum of the same thing. Everyone needs a little down time and maybe some need more than others. For me both ends are equally unhealthy, the ones jetting off and leaving a baby behind who can't understand where they've gone and when they come back and the poster who said they would NEVER EVER leave their child at all

Well no of course not but life doesn't have to completely stop either. It depends on your own family support or resources I guess.

My parents take my son every Friday evening and have done since he was 3 months old so my husband and I can go out for a date night together. My parents love having him, we love having time to just focus on each other and he doesn't miss us at all. I'm happy for him to spend time alone with grandparents from an early age because they'll be minding him when I go back to work part time. Those few hours on a Friday are the only time I leave him really because I don't have any regular classes. We also go for lunch or drinks together during the week with baby in tow and he is good as gold, this might change as he gets older!

We took him on holiday to Mexico at 3.5 months and will go to Italy with him in May. Holidays are different but still very enjoyable. We rent pool villas rather than hotel rooms as we're chilling at the accommodation a whole lot more now.

I have friends who have a baby born the same week and they've had a few weekends away without their son already. While I wouldn't be ready to leave my son overnight yet (partly because I couldn't ask it of anyone when he still wakes up 2-4 times overnight!), I think its great that they can.

I just don’t think nights out are so much a marker of your life changing with children. Those are easy to organise if you have NT children, money or families who are prepared to come over for an evening’s babysitting. (And there aren’t pandemic related restrictions - the reason I haven’t been out much since my baby was born in spring 2020 are much more related to the fact that barely anywhere has been open for a lot of the time that I might have been able to go out!)

I had to leave my toddler for a night to give birth to my second baby, and that was planned for so it wasn’t a big shock for my children eldest

Unless you have a full time nanny the day to day care of a baby or child/children is much more of a lifestyle change

My life changed completely but I stopped missing my social life over time.
My dh works away for long periods so I can't go off doing things that I want as it has to work around the kids. I haven't been out with friends without children for years. People stopped inviting me out after I declined a fair few times because I couldn't sort childcare, got harder the more kids we had too. Nowadays I'm happy if I can have undisturbed gym sessions (home set up), rarely see friends and usually just a brew and a chat when I do.
When I see the weather forecast is for warm sunny days... my happy thought is "ooh, I can get loads of washing dry" rock 'n' roll lifestyle 🤣

Date nights are not a thing at our house either

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Depends what your life was like before.

Dh and I share everything 50/50 and we both have nights out/away/trips away without the dcs fairly regularly.

but of course we had to factor the kids in and of course our life has had to change because of them. It's not possible to have humans who you are solely responsible for and not have to factor them in.

So we now:-
Require a babysitter for a night out together
Require the other one to be around if we arrange a nught out with friends
Same again for trips away
Holidays now have am element of child friendliness about them
Ditto restaurants and days out
I spend time in places I meter would go child free (eg soft play, the shallow pool, kids films at cinemas etc)

Of course the things you do and how you do them changes when you have kids.

Agree with everything said in this post.

OP - 6 months for me was to early to leave them. Started leaving them with people after they turned 1 (DD1) and 16 months (DD2).

I can't see how it possibly could be unless your lifestyle before was being a complete hermit or mirrored family life to begin with? Or unless you're rich enough to have full-time live in nanny, cook etc.

I mean you have a little person/several little people depending on you for a start. You can't choose when you want to wake up - you need to wake up on a schedule that suits them.

You have to provide them with food at least 3x per day which means you can't skip meals, have a takeaway/restaurant meal etc without factoring them in.

They need to go to bed fairly early when they are little at least which means if you want to go out in the evening you'll need to sort babysitters or at least have good communication with your partner (and defo to babysitters if you want to go out with your partner).

They have less of an attention span than adults and different interests - meaning that unless you happen to be a 30 year old mega-fan of Peppa Pig you'll probably find yourself doing different things at the weekend to what you used to. Of course children can enjoy adult activities and vice versa but going to the pool as an adult tends to look quite different to going with children in tow, for example.

A lot of activities that adults (especially younger adults) find fun are not at all appropriate for children - e.g. horror movies, socialising revolving around alcohol, even just things like playing sports or cycling or car maintenance as a weekend activity, not always appropriate/desirable to bring kids along to.

I do think it's worth discussing "time off" with your partner if you'd like more but personally I never wanted a huge amount when DC were tiny.