Do you think it's possible to have kids without it interfering with how you live your life?

[blackpoolhouse]

Having become a mum 6 months ago I left my LO for the first time last night for a dinner with some friends.

It felt both good and also odd. A lot of other mum friends leave their babies all the time for things at least once a week to have recharge time.

I feel I am the other end of the spectrum! What is the right balance?

When you had kids how did you let this affect your life? Were you happy to adjust to their needs?

Can you have kids without them interfering in what you want to do? For example holidays, dinners out, events etc.

How often did you leave them to begin with? If at all?

How did you manage?

No. The end.

I suggest if you do not plan on your child changing your life, don't have them.

We still haven't left our DS overnight anywhere and he's 4.5, everywhere we have wanted to go he would be part of and come, or we have grandparent stay over here with him if we go out together. Its just our preference.

I love how he has interfered with our lives, it's amazing.

I think if you have children and nothing has changed then you are either very wealthy (to outsource all help) or very un maternal, or perhaps both.
I know some people who very much fitted their baby into their life, but were only able to do so because they had a lot of family support. My cousin and her husband booked a weeks holiday for six weeks postpartum as they decided they would need the break. She left the baby with her mum, who felt this was very deserved. I was just starting to leave the house at that stage.

I don’t think a child sleeping over at their grandparents’ on a regular basis means that they aren’t “interfering” with their parents lives. I mean, they will be at home all the other nights and it’s not like that’s the same as it was before children is it.

Having children completely and utterly exploded our lifestyle. Our day to day routines, careers, finances- everything was affected!! It was 100% worth it and I love then to bits but to think you could have kids and it not have any impact- not in our case!!

Of course they’ve impacted my life but I haven’t sacrificed my life…

DD is 19m, I’ve had 5 nights away from her overnight so far. Of those, 2 were me solo when DH was looking after her (a gig with my sister, an evening at a friends) and then 1 single night away and a weekend away with DH where MIL took care of her. I was going to dinner baby free from about 3 months after she was born and had my first proper night out 6 months after she was born. I’d have done more but got pregnant when she was 12 months which has curtailed my social life somewhat.

Look, it’s totally up to people what they do, you’re going to have people far to each side of the scale from me. But personally I had a mum who devoted her life to us - quit work, never did a single thing for herself that didn’t revolve around us kids - and personally I don’t think that was very healthy, it shows now we’re grown ups with our own families and she’s sad and isolated. So for me I couldn’t do that. But there’s a huge scale between weekly nights away from 1 month and never leaving your kids overnight until they’re teens.

Of course not. 🙄

If you don't want your children "interfering" with your life, don't have children.

EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad

Of course not. 🙄

If you don't want your children "interfering" with your life, don't have children@blackpoolhouse

This. Says it all.

We were late 30’s by the time we had dc and they changed our lives completely, but we were ready for it as we had done what we wanted for so long. Youngest dc had her 18th last weekend and dh and I legged it to a hotel which is the first time we ever left either of them ( ds is older and at Uni).
N

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. There seems to be a wide range of what people have done but the consensus seems to be that kids shouldn't just fit into your life as their needs are significantly different to adults and should come first. I guess there is pressure (probably self imposed) when you speak to other mums who seem to be getting out there more and back to it and it's taken me 6 months to do it once except for a few yoga classes literally around the corner.

But realistically unless you have childcare on tap it is just a hard thing to do at the beginning!

I guess my next question is what motivates some people to want to keep doing what they were doing rather than look after their own kids?

I guess my next question is what motivates some people to want to keep doing what they were doing rather than look after their own kids?

Personal preference? going out for dinner weekly or going out without your DC hardly equates to not looking after your own kids. And that’s from someone who has only just left their DC for a weekend at nearly 2.

DS is 20 months old and I've never left him overnight and don't plan to for a while.
My mum didn't change her life when I was born. She still went on trips away with her friends, partied with them in the pub on Christmas Eve, never made me do homework or make me dinner. My grans did all that. Needless to say, it left me with a lot of bitter feelings towards her.

You're meant to change your life for your kids and put them first. doesn't mean you can't have a break every now and again but leaving your child overnight multiple times before 6 months old is, imo, far too young

Bit strange of you to think a child wouldn’t change your life. Having children should and does change your life, in almost every way.

@blackpoolhouse

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. There seems to be a wide range of what people have done but the consensus seems to be that kids shouldn't just fit into your life as their needs are significantly different to adults and should come first. I guess there is pressure (probably self imposed) when you speak to other mums who seem to be getting out there more and back to it and it's taken me 6 months to do it once except for a few yoga classes literally around the corner.

But realistically unless you have childcare on tap it is just a hard thing to do at the beginning!

I guess my next question is what motivates some people to want to keep doing what they were doing rather than look after their own kids?

Selfishness, apathy, poor bond. Essentially nothing good

Your life changes if you get a dog, let alone have a child.

Of course it's impossible to have children without anything changing, unless by "have children" a person means inseminate a woman and never have anything to do with the resulting child...

Obviously some parents avoid changing much about how they live by leaving the other parent to take all the responsibility for everything child related while technically all living together, and less often but occasionally paid nannies or unpaid grandparents do all the parenting and the actual parents go on fairly much as they did pre children.

Still most parents- including those who use full time nursery or childminders to work and occasional babysitters in the evening still live radically differently once they have children than before. The entire focus of life changes, the earth tilts on its axis... It's not a bad thing as long as you're ready for things to change, plus things don't change once and stay the same from the birth of the first child until the parents die or anything 😜 Being a parent changes constantly too and it's impact on life does. When your youngest is 10+ life is as radically different from the baby phase as the baby phase is from pre children.

Having a child profoundly changes every single aspect of the rest of your life. You've brought a whole new person into the world, how would you expect it to not change your life?

Also the grass can sometimes look greener elsewhere, but that's because it's usually fertilised with bullshit so don't let the fuckers get to you. 💐

Yep, weird to think that kids wouldn’t affect your life? They’re not add-ons, they fundamentally change your life/outlook/relationships/world view! But I think you can definitely still see your friends, you just have to be creative and work around feeding, naps etc.

My babies were all breastfeeding at that age so came with me everywhere. They are older now and I adore being a mum and would never go on holidays without them. My DH and I do give each other time so overnights to recharge , days free to do stuff or hours here and there especially at weekends. I can't stand it when ppl assume everyone has willing help, no grandparents here have or ever will babysit , our familes on both sides just don't bbsit ever so hate when ppl assume " never left them with the grandparents" , well no we can't and same with family..all totally normal ppl and nice , they simply never help ever..
My DH and I are a team and fully expected our lives to change. Just declined another childfree wedding there.....

Only if you have enough money...

It's easier to just crack on and pretend a small baby doesn't exist, especially if they're easygoing and nap well, than a toddler on the move and eager to explore. So maybe you could get away with it to some degree to begin with.

Yes they interfere with every aspect of your life. You have to consider them in every decision you make and plan everything around them.

We have zero help from family (our choice we dont live nearby) and the only childcare we have is 2 days a week nursery and 9 times out of ten were at work when hes in nursery unless we have annual leave.

If you are going to have children then you need to prepare to leave your old life behind

No. I didn't have an easy, portable baby, but even if I had, she would have turned into a toddler/child/teenager. Other baby was more portable but as a child, much less so. E.g. wouldn't get on a bus unless it was orange.

So, no.

It's much easier to live your old life if you have lots of money or family who can do childcare. We had neither and both babies breastfed so made going out more difficult.

When my eldest was about 6 months I went to see a show about 90 minutes ago so left her from about 5pm to midnight. It was stressful trying to get her to take a bottle beforehand, pumping was stressful and the whole thing was stressful. I did it because I saw all the other new mums going out and felt I really should do it. I didn't bother with my youngest, I couldn't be arsed to pump and I only went places he could come with me.

babies are so portable

Not if you've got one that fusses during the day (manageable), and howls all evening - less manageable, and I certainly wouldn't have inflicted her on friends, restaurants or other public places late in the day.

@birdglasspen

My life felt boring and empty by the time I had my kids, I’d done the going out drinking, partying with friends till all hours, it was growing old. I wanted little people to care for and watch grow and share things with. So yes my life pre children and after children are totally different but that’s what I wanted!

Yeah me too. I no longer care about the latest place to go out. It got to a point where I wasn't bothered.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind a little glamour and fun right now. My kids now are very assertive saying they don't want me going out.

My baby is 8 months and I choose not to leave her much. I have left briefly for a couple of medical appointments and once to go out with my mum to a class. I am ebf which obviously makes a difference too.

I have had the baby later in life and to be honest wanted and expected my life to be very different, with different priorities. I feel I have lived my life for myself for so long and now want to be focused on nurturing someone else. I don't imagine I'd have felt that way at 25 for example, as my career wasn't established and I was quite self focused.