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Parenting

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Original poster

Husband won't allow mother to visit

68 replies

clairebear610 · 23/03/2022 12:58

Please can I get some advice. I recently had my second baby after a really tough pregnancy and birth. My mum would like to visit and spend time with my children (she lives a few hours away) but my husband is flat out refusing for her to enter our house despite me even suggesting she just stay one night, visits when he has plans to go out etc to try to work around him. They have had a strained relationship for years as she tends to be a binge drinker and he will say what he thinks and there have been a few incidents over the years and he has pulled her up on this and feels I make excuses for her. I am of course angry and let down about those incidents and lots of hurt over the years but he is also not perfect, she is still my mother and I have been through a lot recently and would like her to meet my children and in my own home which will be easier for me whilst recovering, adjusting etc. rather than having to travel for hours. She can't afford to stay in a hotel and as I jointly own our home and am an adult I feel I should have more say in this but I want to check if IABU? He has said if she arrives he will call the police. Thank you.

OP posts:

FAQs · 23/03/2022 12:59

Is she likely to drink alcohol whilst there?

Duracellbunnywannabe · 23/03/2022 13:00

Has she been drunk in front of the children?

APurpleSquirrel · 23/03/2022 13:02

Call the police & say what exactly? My MIL is in my house & I don't give permission for her to be here??

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RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 23/03/2022 13:02

He sounds really controlling. Do you make excuses for her? You need to talk about this and come to a middle ground because he cannot just say she's not coming, end of.

Tidlo · 23/03/2022 13:04

You need to give more background on how she has behaved in the past to understand if your husband is being unreasonable.

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 13:05

I think more detail on the incidents would be helpful. If the incidents have been her being aggressive, destruct or abusive then your husband is justified in not wanting her in your home.

You say she is a binge drinker, do you mean she is an alcoholic?

nervousnelly8 · 23/03/2022 13:06

Is she unpleasant or abusive when drunk?

cushioncovers · 23/03/2022 13:06

Will the children be safe around her?

Is your husband usually this controlling?

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2022 13:06

Police is a bit OTT. Has she ever done anything worthy of having police involved?

Is he controlling on other issues?

HellToTheNope · 23/03/2022 13:06

If your mother has ever binged on alcohol in your home, I am in complete agreement with your husband. That is totally unacceptable, and especially so with children in the home.

Cotherstone · 23/03/2022 13:07

It hugely depends. He could be controlling, or you could be minimising your mother’s behaviour. What kind of incidents were they?

ladydimitrescu · 23/03/2022 13:08

It depends on what she's done when drunk doesn't it.
I wouldn't want a violent alcoholic in my home either.

MaudieandMe · 23/03/2022 13:08

Wow, your husband is being an abusive twat here. What does he think the Police will do if he rings them, besides having a good laugh at his stupidity?

Tell him he’s not the boss of you and in your home, you will invite whoever you want to visit and stay over, and if he doesn’t like it, he can book a hotel for the night for himself.

He might dislike your mum intensely, but she is only going to be staying for one or two nights, so he needs to put your needs above his own for a change.

AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 13:08

It's easy to say that he is controlling.

But as someone who would divorce my DH if my MIL was invited in I need the back story.

TibetanTerrah · 23/03/2022 13:09

It depends on your mum tbh. If she is likely to get wankered in front of the children, and be disruptive and belligerent i can see his point. If he just doesn't like her and/or is controlling then he's wrong.

Be honest OP, is your mother likely to be trouble, or is your husband? Who is the issue?

Original poster

clairebear610 · 23/03/2022 13:09

She has drunk alcohol in the past in our home at Christmas for example when both she and my husband drank and argued. She has drunk some of his alcohol without asking which he wasn't happy with. She also once fell over drunk in our home and ended up in hospital when she had been house sitting for us. On the whole though she would be well behaved and not drink if I made that a condition of her visit and asked her not to.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 23/03/2022 13:14

If this post was by an OP saying she refused to have her binge drinking MIL in her home posters would be saying she wasn’t unreasonable, and that her dh’s insistence that the MIL visit meant she has a DH problem not a mil problem.

If he says he will call the police I would imagine there’s likely far more to this than the OP is saying here, or wants to admit to herself.

Original poster

clairebear610 · 23/03/2022 13:16

No never drunk around my first child except at Christmas when both she and my husband did. No she is petite and not a nasty drunk, nothing has happened to involve the police except a few years ago she lost her licence drink driving but she doesn't now drive anyway due to poor health, immobility etc. I don't want it to come to this as I don't want conflict etc and it's not best for our children but out of interest, as a 50% home owner each can he actively stop her from coming into our home? Thanks

OP posts:

HellToTheNope · 23/03/2022 13:18

I have a feeling you're minimising your mother's behaviour.

AlternativePerspective · 23/03/2022 13:18

So what did they argue about?

FAQs · 23/03/2022 13:19

That’s sounds pretty bad @clairebear610 it sounds like he doesn’t trust her, which I can understand reading your update. Difficult situation, congratulations on your new baby.

RedWingBoots · 23/03/2022 13:20

So your husband doesn't want your mother, his MIL, in your home because she can't be trusted not to drink and either:

Start arguing, or,
Steal alcohol ,or,
End up in hospital.

Your mother will then either:

Need to set out early in the morning and take the second to last train home, OR,
Go and stay in a nearby b&b or hotel then come back in the morning

If she then isn't drunk, doesn't steal alcohol and doesn't turn up hung over then the next time your husband may let her spend a night in your house as it shows she doesn't have a continued problem with alcohol.

JauntyJinty · 23/03/2022 13:22

She has drunk some of his alcohol without asking

Was that the only cause of the argument or had things been building, and what were the ciircumstances? There's a pretty big differnce between helping yourself to a glass of an open bottle of wine on the table oo opening the special whisky someone had bought him for Christmas!

viques · 23/03/2022 13:23

I am beginning to understand why your husband doesn’t want a drink driving, falling over drunk, argumentative woman with alcohol issues holding a new born.

AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 13:24

@clairebear610

It's bad. That is really poor behaviour and I'm betting you have just covered the tip of the iceberg.

No he can not make this decision unilaterally.

But do you plan on staying married long term?
Having your children live in a united home?
Have shared care of your children?

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