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Original poster

Husband won't allow mother to visit

68 replies

clairebear610 · 23/03/2022 12:58

Please can I get some advice. I recently had my second baby after a really tough pregnancy and birth. My mum would like to visit and spend time with my children (she lives a few hours away) but my husband is flat out refusing for her to enter our house despite me even suggesting she just stay one night, visits when he has plans to go out etc to try to work around him. They have had a strained relationship for years as she tends to be a binge drinker and he will say what he thinks and there have been a few incidents over the years and he has pulled her up on this and feels I make excuses for her. I am of course angry and let down about those incidents and lots of hurt over the years but he is also not perfect, she is still my mother and I have been through a lot recently and would like her to meet my children and in my own home which will be easier for me whilst recovering, adjusting etc. rather than having to travel for hours. She can't afford to stay in a hotel and as I jointly own our home and am an adult I feel I should have more say in this but I want to check if IABU? He has said if she arrives he will call the police. Thank you.

OP posts:

that1970shouse · 23/03/2022 15:38

Just reverse it.
"My FIL is an alcoholic. In the past he has been convicted of drink driving. When he last visited he got drunk and argued with me. He has also stolen alcohol from me, and once when he was supposed to be house-sitting for us, he got so drunk he fell and ended up having to go to hospital. He has let down and upset DH a lot over the years but DH is stuck in the FOG. Now DH wants to invite him to come and stay to meet our new baby. I don't want FIL in the house, so DH says I have to go out while FIL is here. Also that as he (DH) owns 50% of the house, he can invite whoever he wants to say, and I don't get a say in the matter. AIBU to say over my dead body?"

Just because you legally CAN do something (invite someone to stay whom your DH doesn't want in the house) doesn't mean you SHOULD. In the circumstances I don't think you DH is being unreasonable. Your DM needs to earn back his trust.

lunar1 · 23/03/2022 15:41

She wouldn't have been allowed back in my home after the drink driving, especially as that wasn't a wake up call.

I think you have probably become desensitised to your mums behaviour.

sillysmiles · 23/03/2022 15:42

You are recovering after having your second child, and want you mother to visit and help.
But your DH is preventing you from seeing your mother in your own home.

If she'd not a danger to your children - then he doesn't get to ban her imo.
Having had an argument with him in the past is not enough reason for him to say she can't stay over when you want her to. Especially as he's out at work, so would be fairly easy to spend minimal time with her.

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girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 15:45

@sillysmiles I'd say someone who drink drives and regularly binge drinks is very much a danger to young children and he has every right to refuse to allow her into his home

AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 15:50

@sillysmiles

You are recovering after having your second child, and want you mother to visit and help. But your DH is preventing you from seeing your mother in your own home.

She is a danger to the children. She drove drunk.

MrsLegend · 23/03/2022 15:57

Flip this round.

If your husband's father was a binge drinker who argued with you, would you want him stopping in your house with a new baby?

It would be disgusting if your husband was trying to force you to let his father stop!

HomeHomeInTheRange · 23/03/2022 16:14

If your MIL had done the things your Mum had done, how would you feel about her being in your house, with your baby?

Is your DH controlling about anything? Does he have rules about you seeing anyone else e.g friends? Is a good equal partner in all other respects? You know how much he earns, have a fair household financial system etc?

SoyaChai · 23/03/2022 16:21

She drove drunk.

Which is abhorrent, yes, but she's not going to be driving a car with the kids in it, is she? So where is the danger from drink driving to the kids currently?

This is a supervised visit... Not a house-sitting where she is left to her own devices, not her on her own with a car going drink driving. It is her, in a house, with her family, where they can insist on no booze. Supposedly at Christmas, everyone was drinking, and yes she went to far as a binge-drinker, but this isn't Christmas.

I do think for a supervised visit, sitting at home, this is absolutely fine, as long as you insist on no drinking.

ImAvingOops · 23/03/2022 16:22

I think both parties have to be in agreement about guest staying. I think it's really hard to judge this because your h might be right or he might be a bullying arse. Only you know.
As a compromise I think he should pay for a b&b for her because it's your right to see your mother and if she lives far away and he won't let her stay in the house, he owes you care and consideration. He needs to think about you in all this.

If you and he can't see a compromise then this marriage is going to be on rocky ground - one of you can't be in charge of the other, there has to be consensus that works for you both. He has to be as willing as you to find that consensus.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/03/2022 16:25

I dont blame him. I wouldn't have a binge drinker around my kids either. She probably drinks more than you think and hides it. How would you feel if she dropped your baby down the stairs.

sunisblinding · 23/03/2022 16:27

@that1970shouse

Just reverse it. "My FIL is an alcoholic. In the past he has been convicted of drink driving. When he last visited he got drunk and argued with me. He has also stolen alcohol from me, and once when he was supposed to be house-sitting for us, he got so drunk he fell and ended up having to go to hospital. He has let down and upset DH a lot over the years but DH is stuck in the FOG. Now DH wants to invite him to come and stay to meet our new baby. I don't want FIL in the house, so DH says I have to go out while FIL is here. Also that as he (DH) owns 50% of the house, he can invite whoever he wants to say, and I don't get a say in the matter. AIBU to say over my dead body?"

This exactly.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 16:36

@SoyaChai the woman doesn't know her limits and stole alcohol from the house previously. It doesn't matter whether she's supervised - an alcoholic will do what they want if they feel they need a drink.

Additionally, OP's DH doesn't feel comfortable with her being in the house and she's an unpredictable drunk.

Joolsin · 23/03/2022 16:48

PPs have missed where you said he and your mum both drank and argued. So he hasn't exactly covered himself in glory either, has he. You seem confident that if you tell her not to drink, she won't, and you want and need to see her just after having a baby. I vote that he is an arse and your wishes trump his.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 16:49

@Joolsin

You missed the bit where there have been a few incidents where he's pulled MIL and OP has made excuses for her. It wasn't a one off. He's probably sick of her behaviour

sillysmiles · 23/03/2022 17:10

[quote girlmom21]@sillysmiles I'd say someone who drink drives and regularly binge drinks is very much a danger to young children and he has every right to refuse to allow her into his home [/quote]
From the OP's posts
No never drunk around my first child except at Christmas when both she and my husband did

she doesn't now drive anyway due to poor health

I don't agree with someone drink driving, but if she's not drinking while she's there, then she's not a danger to the OP's kids.

sillysmiles · 23/03/2022 17:15

My husband is just making life more difficult for me and his children as he has acknowledged we can still meet but refuses to allow me to do it in our home despite him potentially being out so he is making it about him and it all feels very controlling

This is what stood out to me.

From the OP
They have had a strained relationship for years as she tends to be a binge drinker and he will say what he thinks and there have been a few incidents over the years and he has pulled her up on this and feels I make excuses for her

The crux of it is that he doesn't like her.
I don't think it is ok with a DIL tries to prevent her partners mother coming to visit and I don't think it is ok in this situation.

His issue isn't with the MIL being around his kids - but that they argues - when they were both drunk.

SoyaChai · 23/03/2022 18:10

@girlmom21

From what I read, she did steal alcohol, it was at Christmas when she was already drunk.

It sounds more like a case of when she drinks she drinks to excess, not that she drinks every day.

If that's the case then as long as alcohol is banned and she is supervised during the visit, this shouldn't be a risk.

I would overrule my DH in this case.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 18:26

@SoyaChai I don't think we'll agree here but based on the minimising from OP and her admitting she always defends her DM and the way she's trying to 'villainise' her husband, I feel like her alcohol consumption is more regular than OP wants to admit.

If my IL's drank too much and disrespected me in my own home they wouldn't be welcome, much like I wouldn't be welcome in their home if I behaved like that during a visit.

From the mention of a few instances, I have a feeling they're not all when DM has been drinking either

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