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Original poster

Husband won't allow mother to visit

68 replies

clairebear610 · 23/03/2022 12:58

Please can I get some advice. I recently had my second baby after a really tough pregnancy and birth. My mum would like to visit and spend time with my children (she lives a few hours away) but my husband is flat out refusing for her to enter our house despite me even suggesting she just stay one night, visits when he has plans to go out etc to try to work around him. They have had a strained relationship for years as she tends to be a binge drinker and he will say what he thinks and there have been a few incidents over the years and he has pulled her up on this and feels I make excuses for her. I am of course angry and let down about those incidents and lots of hurt over the years but he is also not perfect, she is still my mother and I have been through a lot recently and would like her to meet my children and in my own home which will be easier for me whilst recovering, adjusting etc. rather than having to travel for hours. She can't afford to stay in a hotel and as I jointly own our home and am an adult I feel I should have more say in this but I want to check if IABU? He has said if she arrives he will call the police. Thank you.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2022 13:25

I’m with him. He’s trying to protect your family from a reckless addict. You’re minimising her behaviour because you’re stuck in a fog of guilt and obligation.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2022 13:27

I can see why he doesnt want her around. The only answer is for her to stay in a B& B and come for a daily short visit. Or meet outside in a cafe. If that isn't possible then she can't come.

FAQs · 23/03/2022 13:27

Bloody bell, also lost her licence to drink driving, sounds like he is safeguarding your children, which if he did call the Police would be something they’ll be in agreement with.

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sunisblinding · 23/03/2022 13:28

Hmm. This is much more complicated than explained in the first post.

It sounds like she's an alcoholic that has been banned from driving, has previously been drunk and argumentative in your home, has stolen drink from your DH, and has drunk to the extent she's injured herself and ended up in an ambulance.

This isn't just "tends to binge drink" op, it's not just a one off.

I think you should go visit her in her home. I can see why your DH would prefer that she doesn't stay with you.

2bazookas · 23/03/2022 13:29

From what you say about her history, he's completely right to protect his children from an alcoholic who can't contol her drinking at your house.

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 13:37

Sorry but I agree with a previous poster that you seem to be minimising your mothers alcohol issues. Even calling it binge drinking rather than alcoholism.

You of course should be able to have a relationship with your mum, and see her with your children. However I can’t blame you husband for not wanting her to stay in your home. Maybe there is a compromise where she visits for the day or you split the cost of a B and B?

He is controlling if he trying to cut you off from her, but it does sound like there’s been a lot of alcohol linked issues.

Topseyt · 23/03/2022 13:40

My BIL (DH's younger brother) is the main binge drinker in our wider family. In fact, I would go so far as to call him an alcoholic. He was/is awful when drunk and we have now had virtually no contact with him for around 5 years now.

My experiences with my BIL lead me to sympathise with your husband's reservations, although his threat to call the police seems extreme. What for? Are you minimising or excusing your mother's behaviour?

Personally, I might be inclined to say that your mother can come, but there must be NO drinking. No booze in the house and none in her bags. I would also say that she could not be left alone or unsupervised around the children.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2022 13:42

DH’s stepdad was an alcoholic. DH and MIL were used to his drinking and but I wasn’t. They just accepted that is what he was like When they came to stay with us after having DS I was not happy him being around DS when he was completely bladdered, especially when he wanted to help bathing him.

I’m afraid I fell out with MIL when I told her I wasn’t happy with his behaviour and wanted him to curb his drinking when staying with us.

To his credit when they came to stay the next time he did cut down. He died a few years later due to his drinking

Hoppinggreen · 23/03/2022 13:42

She’s an addict
I think it’s reasonable for him to not want an addict in his house and around his children

Lou98 · 23/03/2022 13:49

I agree with your Husband. I wouldn't want to be around her. It does sound like you're minimising and making excuses: she's been banned from driving due to drinking, she's argumentative, stole from him and ended up in hospital due to drinking when she was house sitting for you - she is an alcoholic and you need to try to understand how your Husband feels.

I agree with a PP that if you had posted saying you didn't want your MIL in your house due to the above but your Husband is inviting her anyway because the house is half his, that he would be getting called controlling and you should ltb.

At the end of the day, it is your house as well and if you want her there he can't physically stop her. However, if I was your Husband I would be seriously reconsidering staying in a marriage where you didn't respect my boundaries and made me have a guest in my home that I didn't trust.

I get the journey is a couple of hours but can she not come up in the morning, you go out and spend the day with her doing something and then she travel home later that day?

SoyaChai · 23/03/2022 13:55

Even reading your posts, I still think he is unreasonable.

She doesn't drive anymore so drink driving doesn't matter in regards to her visiting because she won't be drink driving...

She fell over drunk once? Loads of people have done that before.

She shouldn't have helped herself to your DH's booze at Christmas though, but loads of families have had arguments at Christmas, booze or no booze.

Just tell her it's a no-alcohol visit? You said she is a binge-drinker, meaning when she does drink, she drinks to excess... So just have a completely dry visit.

SoyaChai · 23/03/2022 13:57

which if he did call the Police would be something they’ll be in agreement with.

I doubt they'd remove her if she was sober and not posing any risk - which, if she's sober, she wouldn't be.

Original poster
clairebear610 · 23/03/2022 14:00

Thanks all. I'm definitely not minimising her behaviour. It hasn't been acceptable at times, we have had long discussions about it and any meeting would be on my terms (And whilst this isn't about my husband, he isn't perfect either). But having given it lots of thought and seen the love she has for her first grandchild I don't think it currently warrants stopping her from seeing both and I would like I do it on my own terms, in my own environment where I can manage best whilst I recover and where is most suitable for my children. My husband is just making life more difficult for me and his children as he has acknowledged we can still meet but refuses to allow me to do it in our home despite him potentially being out so he is making it about him and it all feels very controlling. The journey between our homes is approximately 5 hours each way so she would need to spend a night realistically so a day trip isn't an option. I am frustrated because I feel that I am an adult, a parent and a home owner and have given it thought and made a decision considering my children too but feel like I am being bullied into an option that just isn't practical for myself or my children. Thanks all for your thoughts though which I have taken onboard.

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 14:03

Just out of curiosity what steps has your mother taken in her recovery from alcoholism and is she still drinking?

Because I think your lucky he will agree to her seeing the kids full stop.

Active addicts don't get near my kids.

toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2022 14:08

Would she be happy to not drink whilst staying with you?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/03/2022 14:09

Ask him how he will explain to the dc that dgm isn't allowed to visit. Can she be trusted to turn up sober? Will she try to drink while there? Could you not just meet her in a cafe? Your dh is allowed to protect your dc as equally as you can propose they have a relationship with your dm.

sweetzy · 23/03/2022 14:09

I can see where you're both coming from tbh but he does sound controlling.

Your choice of words around decision making is interesting. You refer to being a 50% owner of the house rather than being in a partnership. It seems a bit of a cold way of looking at it and I wondered if all is ok in your relationship generally?

I think your mum and your husband need to sort out their issues, would they talk over the phone or zoom?

Has she apologised for her behaviour or is it all brushed under the carpet as with many drinkers?

Blossom64265 · 23/03/2022 14:13

Inviting an active alcoholic to stay in your home is unfair to your children. Your husband is right. If your mother shows up to stay the night, he should pack up the children and leave.

It might be reasonable for him to compromise with a daytime visit as long as she is staying elsewhere and there is no alcohol consumption by anyone during her visit. That way she can come for lunch, you can have a nice visit, but if things start to go poorly, he can stick her in a cab and send her to the hotel instead of kicking her out into the night.

This is how I manage my own parent. We actually prefer to visit them. We never stay and always get a hotel and always have a car so we can leave instantly.

AvDemeisen · 23/03/2022 14:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

1forAll74 · 23/03/2022 14:16

Is your Mother, the type of person, who could possibly not partake in drinking alcohol, for the short duration of her visit. Or is she a complete alcoholic. and has to drink all day long. There is no reasoning with a true alcoholic, they can't be trusted with most things, and people do not like being around them.

oakleaffy · 23/03/2022 14:31

I fully understand why your husband doesn’t want a drinker in the house!

My neighbour has a mother who drinks when she visits and it is far from ideal.

I banned drinkers years ago from visiting-
Drunks are a pain, can damage themselves and others-
If she is sober, and stays that way, it’s different.

HellToTheNope · 23/03/2022 15:06

I think this may be a case where your mother's past behaviour was so egregious that your husband is no longer willing to give her anymore chances. Sorry, op, but I don't blame him. Being around a drunk is absolutely horrendous, and I would never allow my children to witness that in their own home.

Gilly12345 · 23/03/2022 15:10

Until your mother improves her behaviour I’m sorry but I do agree with your husband, nobody likes a piss head.

Perhaps she could come for the day and go home or stay for one night somewhere local and see you then?

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 15:26

I agree with your husband.

Why don't you meet her somewhere halfway and go to a soft play or farm or something?

McFuckSake · 23/03/2022 15:34

I did the same with my Mil about ten years ago when dd was 6/7.

Her binge drinking and behaviour when pissed was unacceptable, dh was fully on my side eventually but it took a long time, he could see she had a problem but felt she wouldn't put any of the kids at risk but he agreed with me and they spent time together in places where you cant buy or steal alcohol, all his family were adamant she didn't have a problem and I'm convinced they hated me at one point but having grown up with a binge drinking Dad and the shitty behaviour I wasn't having my child witness it.

I could write paragraphs and paragraphs of all the things she did but they include everything you've written, she stole alcohol when I was putting washing away and that's when I stopped her coming to the house, also every single birthday party or celebration had a dark cloud over it wondering if this is gonna be one of the times mil ruins it by getting so shitfaced she falls over, or kicks off.

I actually stopped planning big family things like that because I couldn't exclude her but the kids would be upset seeing her get like that. Everyone said she'd never hurt the grandkids, and she knowingly wouldn't but when she's sneaking off to the toilet with a hip flask, (something dhs family said I was making up) I simply didn't trust her, and I was right not to because she did end up putting her baby granddaughter at serious risk.

It's very hard to tell if you can't see what dh does because of your bond with her or if he's being a tit but I can see why he doesn't want her visiting so soon after her behaviour at Xmas and because he knows it's not a one off if ahe has form for it.

Did she apologise to him and mean it? Is there still tension between them? I can see why you want her there but I can also see why he doesn't.