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Original poster

How much should I let my new partner parent my kids?

73 replies

MermaidMamma · 21/03/2022 22:42

Hi

First time poster so bare with me. I have 4 beautiful DS. I split with their Dad 3+ years ago. I have been with my new partner for over a year. My DS all adore him. He is the first partner I have ever introduced them to and things are going super well.
But, I am having issues when it comes to my partner and being involved in the parenting of my DS. I let my partner help to a degree when it comes to things such as telling them off, taking them out or helping out. But I make sure that I am the one to have the final say etc. I accept that my partner wants to be a father figure to them but I feel like he's pushing that position on both them and I. If he tries to get involved in things and I say I need to be the one to sort that out he gets upset and annoyed and then I end up having to deal with 2 massive situations. Example today was eldest DS is having some school issues and I'd said its an issue that me, his Dad and the school need to get to the bottom of. After which he got annoyed that he couldn't be involved too after I was already upset with what DS was dealing with.

It's incredibly hard to figure it all out. I feel like I should be so grateful that I have someone who wants to be actively involved with my DS upbringing, but I also get angry that my boundaries with kids aren't being respected. My previous relationship was emotionally abusive and I carry alot of trauma from that so I struggle sometimes to know what to expect.

Any polite advice or help is much appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 21/03/2022 22:51

Not at all

audweb · 21/03/2022 22:58

It’s only been a year. He’s in no position at all to be parenting your kids. Your kids already have a dad and a mum, and he should just be fun extra person right now, considering it’s not even been that long. Hold firm to your boundaries.

Halo1234 · 21/03/2022 22:58

No he should not be parenting. It's not his place.....especially when u don't welcome it and find it over steps your boundaries. He should respect your wishes as mum and not make it about him wanting to be a father figure and causing an unnecessary second drama. That's not in you ds or your best interests. Yanbu.

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TotalRhubarb · 21/03/2022 23:01

He shouldn’t be muscling in on this at all at this stage. He needs to back off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 23:03

Are you living together?

Lentil63 · 21/03/2022 23:04

My younger son is soon to be married to a lovely girl who already had a beautiful daughter.
My son adores the little girl ( who my husband and I now consider our granddaughter) and is keen to adopt. I see that he steps back and allows his fiancée to take the lead in making parenting decisions but that can’t realistically continue. I would hope and expect that in time their shared relationship would become as if they had all always been a family.
I understand that to allow this will take a huge leap of trust in your partner but if I had been in this situation I would never have got together with a man who I didn’t think would be a wonderful father.
I don’t think the dynamics can work if you can’t trust the man to be a good parent.
Best of luck!

Original poster
MermaidMamma · 21/03/2022 23:06

@AnneLovesGilbert

Are you living together?
No, we don't live together, my partner just stays at the weekends mostly. I'm personally not ready to live with someone again just yet
OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 21/03/2022 23:07

Hopefully he’s not living with you.
And how can your children adore someone they hardly know ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 23:08

Well that’s something.

TotalRhubarb · 21/03/2022 23:11

The fact he’s trying to do this when you don’t even live together suggests he has issues with boundaries, at the very least.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 23:12

@Lentil63

My younger son is soon to be married to a lovely girl who already had a beautiful daughter. My son adores the little girl ( who my husband and I now consider our granddaughter) and is keen to adopt. I see that he steps back and allows his fiancée to take the lead in making parenting decisions but that can’t realistically continue. I would hope and expect that in time their shared relationship would become as if they had all always been a family. I understand that to allow this will take a huge leap of trust in your partner but if I had been in this situation I would never have got together with a man who I didn’t think would be a wonderful father. I don’t think the dynamics can work if you can’t trust the man to be a good parent. Best of luck!
That’s nice. It’s also completely irrelevant to the OP as they’ve been together a year, don’t live together, aren’t getting married, her DC’s dad is around and seemingly playing an active part in their lives. You can’t know someone will be a wonderful father before you get together, don’t be daft. OP is receiving regular evidence her boyfriend isn’t a wonderful father figure and his tantrums about her not wanting to be undermined suggest he’s not a great partner.
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 23:14

I feel like I should be so grateful that I have someone who wants to be actively involved with my DS upbringing

You really shouldn’t. Is he trying to suggest you should be grateful? Because you’re a single mum? Because he’s taking on your boys? Because he thinks you’re not parenting them properly and he knows best?

dipdye · 21/03/2022 23:15

Only a year?

ididntevennotice · 21/03/2022 23:16

Example today was eldest DS is having some school issues and I'd said its an issue that me, his Dad and the school need to get to the bottom of. After which he got annoyed that he couldn't be involved too after I was already upset with what DS was dealing with.

He sounds like a right prick. Typical arsehole of a man. He feels threatened by the fact that he isn't in do too here and is punishing you by being 'annoyed' - he is raising the red flags here

ididntevennotice · 21/03/2022 23:17

He isn't in charge Blush

GrazingSheep · 21/03/2022 23:19

Your children have 2 parents
Your boyfriend is not one of them

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 21/03/2022 23:22

No he shouldn't be parenting them. They have parents. He sounds quite controlling, maybe he should be told to back off.

NewJersey · 21/03/2022 23:29

He shouldn’t be parenting them at all. Your children have parents, you have only known him a very short time and he doesn’t live with you. He sounds controlling and it’s a bit creepy that he thinks he should be involved.

silveralliums · 21/03/2022 23:29

I've been with my BF for just over a year as well, we knew each other as friends for several years before that so the DC knew him well before we got together.

I have two DS, 13 & 9. ExH is not really involved with them. They both get on well with my BF, indeed I think they prefer him to me quite often GrinConfused. They ask him to come to see school events etc.

He doesn't live with us yet but spends quite a bit of time here and it's on the cards within the next 12 months.

He was v hesitant to start with to make sure that we took things slowly and at a pace that the boys were happy with.

He definitely doesn't 'parent' them as such and is always very respectful of rules etc that I put in place for them and supportive of me in doing so. If either of them are playing up and not listening he will remind them to listen to me and if one of them does something stupid/risky etc that I haven't seen then he will say something to them but he takes a 'supportive of me' role rather than an 'active' parenting role if that makes sense. If he thinks that I've perhaps not made the right parenting decision in managing behaviour for example he absolutely won't say anything in front of the DC or to them, he will be supportive of me but will then quietly discuss with me his thoughts - I find that v helpful and feel that I'm a better parent because of his support, insights and different outlook and I know he has my back if I need help.

I expect that will develop over time into him taking more of an active role assuming things continue to go well but we are trying to let it develop naturally rather than imposing anything and he is always very respectful of my role as parent and doesn't ever attempt to push the boundaries.

What is concerning from what you say is that your BF is trying to push himself into a role that you/your DC are not ready for/don't want. I think you should discuss it with him openly - it may be that he's not sure how he should behave and is 'overcompensating' and will adapt if you discuss it with him or it may be that he is a controlling so and so who doesn't respect boundaries in which case you may want to assess your relationship and the extent of his involvement with your DC.

UnvarnishedTruth · 21/03/2022 23:32

If you don't let him parent them then you also need to accept that you can't leave him alone with them. You might be in a different room, you might have gone out, or be sick, or anything else that leaves you temporarily unavailable and he has to pick up the slack.

Because if you do, something will happen where he does have to parent them; whether that's comforting them, helping them, or ensuring that that they respect boundaries.

If you undermine his ability to do that now, you're storing up future trouble.

If you truly want a partnership together you're going to have to figure out how you transition from, as you put it, always having the final say, to listening and being prepared to compromise.

And, of course, always present a united front to the children. If you disagree with each other about a decision, do it in private.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2022 08:17

Where has she suggested she leaves them with him? Maybe I missed it. He stays over some weekends, she hasn’t said she’s using him for babysitting while she’s off getting pedis or having cocktails and not letting him discipline them Hmm

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 22/03/2022 08:22

So you’re already upset about your child, and all he does is make it about him?

I mean, it’s not great tbh, it’ll only get worse.

I’ve seen men like this, he’ll try and lay down the law, and then if you stick up for your kids he’ll try and get you to ‘chose’
Maybe I’m wrong, but really not good signs

User56436674 · 22/03/2022 08:27

After a year and not living together he should have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with parenting and needs to take a massive jump back. Also, he sounds awful with his tantrums and I think you would be better to get rid entirely as he shouldn't be behaving like that ever, but certainly not a year into a new relationship

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2022 08:28

This depends on how much he is trying to interfere - is he criticising your approach? Is he trying to discipline your child? Is he raising his voice to him?

This could raise questions as to whether you’d be compatible if you had a child if your own

However one thing that is concerning is that you have asked him to leave it to you and he has not

I do think it’s ok to discuss things from his perspective relating to your son but the form and shape this takes is key

MayMorris · 22/03/2022 08:42

@Lentil63

My younger son is soon to be married to a lovely girl who already had a beautiful daughter. My son adores the little girl ( who my husband and I now consider our granddaughter) and is keen to adopt. I see that he steps back and allows his fiancée to take the lead in making parenting decisions but that can’t realistically continue. I would hope and expect that in time their shared relationship would become as if they had all always been a family. I understand that to allow this will take a huge leap of trust in your partner but if I had been in this situation I would never have got together with a man who I didn’t think would be a wonderful father. I don’t think the dynamics can work if you can’t trust the man to be a good parent. Best of luck!
Where her biological father? He can’t adopt a child that already has a father if the father doesn’t agree. Ok, if father isn’t on scene and not. Named on BC fair enough for this to be their aim.

In this case the OPs children have a father. She clearly states he is involved (eg school issues) and has only been with this man 1 year. It is way too soon for her partner to be actively parenting children regarding their future. Even telling them off when he stays in HER house is borderline unacceptable. D say he can only intervene and discipline or provide care if OP is not avail at that moment , or DC have done something to hurt him or his possessions.