How much should I let my new partner parent my kids?

[MermaidMamma]

Hi

First time poster so bare with me. I have 4 beautiful DS. I split with their Dad 3+ years ago. I have been with my new partner for over a year. My DS all adore him. He is the first partner I have ever introduced them to and things are going super well.
But, I am having issues when it comes to my partner and being involved in the parenting of my DS. I let my partner help to a degree when it comes to things such as telling them off, taking them out or helping out. But I make sure that I am the one to have the final say etc. I accept that my partner wants to be a father figure to them but I feel like he's pushing that position on both them and I. If he tries to get involved in things and I say I need to be the one to sort that out he gets upset and annoyed and then I end up having to deal with 2 massive situations. Example today was eldest DS is having some school issues and I'd said its an issue that me, his Dad and the school need to get to the bottom of. After which he got annoyed that he couldn't be involved too after I was already upset with what DS was dealing with.

It's incredibly hard to figure it all out. I feel like I should be so grateful that I have someone who wants to be actively involved with my DS upbringing, but I also get angry that my boundaries with kids aren't being respected. My previous relationship was emotionally abusive and I carry alot of trauma from that so I struggle sometimes to know what to expect.

Any polite advice or help is much appreciated.
Thanks

Does he have children himself?

Any adult that has tantrums when things don't go their way I bin as they seem to have the maturity needed to be an adult never mind a parent.
He is not your children's father, they have one that is actively involved in their lives. they don't need a father figure or a role model as they also have those whom they have known for more than 5 minutes.

If you are to continue this relationship I suggest a huge step back and only start seeing him when the children are not around. You don't even really know him as a person. You also shouldn't be grateful to anyone, it should be him that is grateful to be invited into your life.

Whose idea was it to be introduced to the children already?

In any relationship there needs to be middle ground.

In the beginning where you are just starting out you are the parent and he needs to start to fit into your dynamic. School stuff etc is never going to be something he would get involved in because he’s not their parent, irrespective of your living arrangements

In terms of discipline and responsibility again that is something which builds as the relationship progresses. So in the beginning you are all just getting to know each other and it’s not down to him to be involved in the parenting in any way.

If in future you move in together however then it’s inevitable that he will play a role, as you can’t really expect someone to live with you and remain a complete outsider in the relationship with everyone in the house.

Me and my partner don’t live together, but I think it was about a year before I went out the first time and left DS with him. Since then I have developed a serious illness and there have been a number of occasions where I have had to go into hospital and DP has stayed at home with DS. It would have been unreasonable of me to tell him that I was the parent and he didn’t have a say, and what kind of message would that have sent to DS.

But in your case you’re nowhere near that stage, and your DP needs to realise that this isn’t about him or a rejection, but the children were on the scene before he was, and it’s not for him to get involved in their school issues.

As an aside, what is it with people’s need to state on here that “the kids adore him”? I have no doubt that kids do get on well with most step parents and indeed my own DS gets on really well with my DP, but this need to state that they “adore” him just sounds like projection.

Whose idea was it to be introduced to the children already? tbh a year is plenty long enough to be introduced to the children. 6 months even, so not sure why that is relevant.

Relevant because it helps to know if he's always been pushy or not.
Relevant to help understand why she feels so grateful for any man to want her and her children.

Personally I have never introduced anyone within a year. We are still getting to know each other. It hasn't been easy as a lone parent with no family dating but hasn't been impossible.

Relationship is a year old.
He's not living with you.

No. He shouldn't be involved in parenting your children at all.

Sorry, as a first time poster I didn't realise that me using the word adore was an issue. It is purely just a word I use in my every day language.

Just to clarify, I am not at the stage of leaving the kids with my partner yet but I understand that if and when I do, there is a degree of parenting in that, I'm not denying that. I haven't mentioned anything about him disciplining or not disciplining my DS. Maybe I needed more clarity on my end and for that I apologise deeply to you all.
The DS bio father sees them twice a month and I involve him in issues where I feel it is necessary to go beyond just me dealing with it. My partner supports how I discipline and deal with my DS, but at times I feel he has a degree of jealousy/upset when I communicate that I am dealing with an issue with the kids that is just between me and DS. I accept that the behaviour he illustrates might not be the correct one, hence why I made this post to help get some clarification on what is acceptable and not. It is obviously something I need to address.

My timeline of when I introduced DS to partner was one that I was in control of and felt comfortable with. I accept that everyone's time frame is not the same but there is no right and wrong one.
The majority of comments have been helpful but I'll be honest, I don't need comparing to situations that aren't relevant to mine, it doesn't do great things for my brain goblins! But thanks tho

You know the answer here I suspect and want confirmation that your gut feeling is right

It’s a matter of opinion. Personally I think a year is far too long, as the relationship dynamic is developing by then and children seriously changes that dynamic. And although you can’t know that you’re going to stay together, invariably you do have an idea whether you’re starting to feel seriously about each other before then.

Obviously I’m not talking about parading a string of men through the children’s lives, but if it’s someone you’ve been seeing regularly and see heading somewhere then I think that introducing the children sooner is better. And you can of course do it in such as to not present yourselves as a family from the outset.

But let’s face it, long term doesn’t necessarily equals successful, as the children will themselves be products of a long term relationship which hasn’t worked out,so a relationship can end at any time.

OP, I’m not offended at the fact you used the word “adore” but tbh it’s so incredibly common for people to post on here that they’ve been with a man for x period of time and that “te children adore him,” and then go on to say “but…..” and to list his negative points.

Or another way in which it seems to be used is if the OP wants to justify the children not seeing the ex and to show their relationship with her new partner as being somehow superior.

Sorry the first part of my post was to *@ Canigooutyet

None, my dp has been in dc's life 10 years ( and their father is dead) he doesn't parent them, I do. They have a good relationship and spend alot of time together but I'm the parent not him.

In your situation, he doesn't get a say nor does he have a right to get annoyed because he's not "involved" in any decision making for your children. He is massively overstepping. He's a weekend boyfriend to you, he is not a dad to your kids.

The fact that he has a tantrum when you ask him to back off is a big red flag.
He wants to parent them (for whatever reasons) and is putting his need (to parent them) above the children's actual needs.

In future if he has other needs (to free time etc) - he will again put his own needs above the children's.

That is fine for him to do - as he is not the parent - BUT you need to ensure he is keeping to the boundaries - as the kids are your priority and responsibility.

You've been together a year, he only stays weekends.

Presuming you introduced them at around 6 months he has been around your dc a couple of dozen times at most (you also say they are with their dad once a fortnight too so maybe even less).

He gets to decide nothing, he doesn't get to be jealous of your children's father either. He is your boyfriend, that doesn't give him any right to parent your children at all.

What happens if you break up? Do you let another guy parent them after a year?

What about their dad? If he has a partner are you happy for her to be that involved because she has jealousy issues?

Hell we are nearly 10 years in, dc call him df. He still wouldn't cross that line.

A boyfriend who stays weekends shouldn't be parenting.

As an example if me and my best friend and our kids are together and one is playing up or a few are. Either or of us would pull them up on their behaviour. Te them to pack it in. We are both the adults in charge. No one gets offended. The kids know whoever is there will be the one to say something. My friend may help ds with his home work or a problem if she is here and I am busy. Or if he wanted to go to her with a problem.

This is what I would expect out of a boyfriend, who stays most weekends. He absolutely shouldn't be parenting or involved with school, medical appointments etc.

He is their mums boyfriend. Not their step dad.

ZERO
My partner of 3.5 years doesn't 'parent' my kid
This is not ok

You are quite right.

Your example of your DS’s school issue is absolutely something that is for you, the child’s dad and the school to address.

I’ve been a step mum for over 20 years. My DSC have a mum and dad to do the parenting. I love them and am there for them for support and advice and anything they need. IMO when both parents are still involved, this is the most successful and appropriate step parent role.

I think it’s a hard one to be honest, in principle he shouldn’t parent at all but when you are alone with a child sometimes you have say something. I’m just thinking about my nephew I’m not his mum but I’d tell him off, give him my opinion, sort things out for him just like I would for my own boys, I don’t want to be a parent to him but sometimes you have to be an adult and correct children no matter who you are to the child.

They don't need another father figure. They have a father!

She doesn’t leave them alone with him @Christmas1988

She’s already said so.

And you’ve known your nephew a lot longer than a year!

He should not be parenting at all, a friendly older brother type vibe at most. Who does he think he is. A year long relationship is not long at all, there is still much to be known about each other. He needs to step back massively and if he doesn't I would see that as a huge red flag. Don't ever allow him to take parental precedence over you. Protect your boys always.

Problems of relationships where kids are involved. Sounds like he sees himself moving into partner status while you still have him very much in boyfriend mode. Let him know your ds is your business not his.

How does it benefit your DCs? If it is purely for his benefit, then not at all. He is not their dad. They already have a dad. It will confuse them, and it will sour their relationship with your dp.

Your children are not there to allow him to play at parenting.

None. He would not be involved in parenting, no final decisions, no "getting involved" down the school. You and your 4 kids are not his ready made family. He has to work to earn the respect of your children, who can and should only call him by his first name unless they (much later!) decide otherwise. They already have their Dad.

This is very concerning that only after a year you're keen to let this man effectively loose in your family. You're the one in charge here. If and when he moves in the only thing he should be doing is being a role model for the kids, treating you and your home with respect and providing a supportive, assistant role.

I'd be very wary of a man who after a year wants to take the lead, because if I'd been dating him he'd be out on his arse. You are giving a stranger too much control and influence in your children's lives and they have no say in it. That shouldn't sit well with you.