How much should I let my new partner parent my kids?

[MermaidMamma]

Hi

First time poster so bare with me. I have 4 beautiful DS. I split with their Dad 3+ years ago. I have been with my new partner for over a year. My DS all adore him. He is the first partner I have ever introduced them to and things are going super well.
But, I am having issues when it comes to my partner and being involved in the parenting of my DS. I let my partner help to a degree when it comes to things such as telling them off, taking them out or helping out. But I make sure that I am the one to have the final say etc. I accept that my partner wants to be a father figure to them but I feel like he's pushing that position on both them and I. If he tries to get involved in things and I say I need to be the one to sort that out he gets upset and annoyed and then I end up having to deal with 2 massive situations. Example today was eldest DS is having some school issues and I'd said its an issue that me, his Dad and the school need to get to the bottom of. After which he got annoyed that he couldn't be involved too after I was already upset with what DS was dealing with.

It's incredibly hard to figure it all out. I feel like I should be so grateful that I have someone who wants to be actively involved with my DS upbringing, but I also get angry that my boundaries with kids aren't being respected. My previous relationship was emotionally abusive and I carry alot of trauma from that so I struggle sometimes to know what to expect.

Any polite advice or help is much appreciated.
Thanks

Personally I don't see why people with children want to date or why anyone would want to date them (other than sex). Its too riddled with difficulties. Want company meet some friends.

And, of course, always present a united front to the children. If you disagree with each other about a decision, do it in private.

I don't like this advice. One thing we should be teaching our children is how to challenge each other, disagree and work through things constructively. Don't shout, argue and generally be arses, no. But yes, disagree if a consequence is unfair or disproportionate for example.

@BigFatLiar

Personally I don't see why people with children want to date or why anyone would want to date them (other than sex). Its too riddled with difficulties. Want company meet some friends.

Grim. That's a horrible thing to say.

None at this stage. It has to be a natural progression and with a SP self aware and mature enough to not throw a tantrum when they don’t get a say. DP sounds like a childish, controlling twat, I’d nip this in the bud very firmly and leave him if he doesn’t get it.

I've been with DP since DS was 3, he's now 9. We have a baby together. DP gets very little say in anything DS related. If there's something he feels is an issue he will communicate it with me so I can deal with it (or not). Occasionally he will pull DS up on table manners or something but not often.

I think your DP is pushing for too much involvement and it doesn't feel right and that's why you're posting here.I wouldn't expect any input on anything really after just a year.

@CaMePlaitPas

None. He would not be involved in parenting, no final decisions, no "getting involved" down the school. You and your 4 kids are not his ready made family. He has to work to earn the respect of your children, who can and should only call him by his first name unless they (much later!) decide otherwise. They already have their Dad.

This is very concerning that only after a year you're keen to let this man effectively loose in your family. You're the one in charge here. If and when he moves in the only thing he should be doing is being a role model for the kids, treating you and your home with respect and providing a supportive, assistant role.

I'd be very wary of a man who after a year wants to take the lead, because if I'd been dating him he'd be out on his arse. You are giving a stranger too much control and influence in your children's lives and they have no say in it. That shouldn't sit well with you.

Whilst I appreciate this comment, I can't help but feel you may have either misinterpreted some information or added some information in on your own accord.

Firstly, my kids call him by his first name. I would never, ever make them call him anything. They know they have one Dad and he is the only one who gets to be called Dad.

I'm hurt by your phrasing of letting this man loose in my family. This is most definitely not what I'm doing. I am putting up boundaries and stating the limits of what is okay and not okay. My issue from my original post is his frustration when I reinforce this boundaries. I was simply asking in my post if I was wrong to put these boundaries up, which quite frankly, I know I'm not wrong, just occasionally need a little back up to fix my trauma head.

My partner doesn't want to take the lead and has never shown a single bit of indication to try and go above me. So I'm unsure of how you think this.

As I reiterated above, I am not giving in to him or giving him the control or influence which you claim he is. Again, my upset in my original post was to do with him having a sulky tantrum when I uphold my boundaries and me being unaware of what other people do in parenting situations like this, hence asking for polite advice.

So while he is a guest in their home he tries to parent them? OK!

Do The kids have any aunts or uncles? How much parenting do they do when they are around? What about grandparents? It’s closer to that. The keep them safe and happy, if you caring for them for some time it’s ok to have some degree of rules and very minor discipline, but the big stuff waits for the parents. So with older kids or teens, very little.

For example, If I have my nieces and nephews here, I might verbally step in and stop them from doing something dangerous or destructive if I see it before their parents, but if the behavior persists, that is a mom and dad problem.

For me, what stood out is that a man who doesn't even live with you yet because the relationship is still relatively young, seems to think he has a say and can contribute to an issue at school? I mean, even at a practical level, how does that work? He comes to the meeting? He comes over every night to help with homework?

I think you are right to be concerned and I think there are some very significant red flags here about his behaviour. At best, he's just desperate to be a father figure and is acting inappropriately (still not okay and a concern) but at worst he's emotionally abusive and very controlling.

I think it might be worth considering stepping bac. Because not only is what he wants completely unreasonable, his response when you say no is ridiculous, childish and selfish.

** No no no no no. Red flags all over the place here.

my upset in my original post was to do with him having a sulky tantrum when I uphold my boundaries

^^ this is not okay OP. Tantrums are really unhealthy for a grown adult. And what is he tantruming about? You having control over your own children. This is a real worry. I think you need to listen to your gut. If you've been in an abusive relationship before it may be a longer journey for you to understand fully healthy boundaries now (no judgement from me as I've been there).

He has zero right to behave this way over this.

I feel like I should be so grateful that I have someone who wants to be actively involved with my DS upbringing

Why would you need to be grateful for this - they have you and their father to see to their upbringing. I agree with a PP who said there should be more of a 'big brother vibe'.

You have a huge responsibility being the main carer for four boys, - it can't be easy but don't mess it up.

I hope it all works out for you.

he's very much over stepping

he isn't a step dad who's been in the picture for years

he's basically a weekend boyfriend

what on earth has gone wrong in his or your expectations that it's considered normal for him to have ANY say in how your children are reared.

he's basically a weekend guest to them, that's all.

i'd question at a year in (esp during covid restrictions etc) if he should have even met them.

your relationship is so new and the step dad dynamic needs to be reset here, massively.

Same as if your son was at a friend's house imo. Ok to tell him off if he witnesses bad behaviour but wouldn't expect stuff like punishing, parents evening attendance... Like play dates, I'd hope for fetching drinks, getting ketchup out for dinner sort of help that an adult supervising a play date would do.

You just need to be firm and let him know that he's your boyfriend and not involved with the children. He obviously wants to be so it looks like you both see the relationship differently. Tell him his involvement is limited to being with you and not the children. Surprised he's not already on board with the idea, no babysitting, no present buying, no paying for them on days out.

But why are you putting up with someone who has a sulky tantrum when you reinforce your boundaries..

Sulky and tantrums are for children not adults....

I wouldn't want a partner who had sulky tantrums at all ...
Equally wouldn't want my kids seeing it ... not a good role model at all..

I think your previous experience is informative...you have obviously got good insight to put in boundaries just think about his response to them...

I think a step parent should have similar parental authority as a nanny or an au pair. So the child’s actual parents make the rules. They are known and applied to everyone in the house in a way that makes sense and is transparent and fair (not necessarily equal - eg different aged children may have different bedtimes). If and when step parent is left is sole charge of the child, they need their decisions in applying the rules to be respected, or it’s not safe.
If/when you move in together than step parent needs to be able to add house rules, in particular ones that affect him/her specifically. Like you might want to ban the kids from your bedroom at that point (depending on their ages) and step parent can obviously set rules about their own possessions.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic

I think a step parent should have similar parental authority as a nanny or an au pair. So the child’s actual parents make the rules. They are known and applied to everyone in the house in a way that makes sense and is transparent and fair (not necessarily equal - eg different aged children may have different bedtimes). If and when step parent is left is sole charge of the child, they need their decisions in applying the rules to be respected, or it’s not safe. If/when you move in together than step parent needs to be able to add house rules, in particular ones that affect him/her specifically. Like you might want to ban the kids from your bedroom at that point (depending on their ages) and step parent can obviously set rules about their own possessions.

But he isn't a step parent. He is mum's relatively new partner

@MermaidMamma
This isn't a parenting problem, it's a man problem... If he's sulky about boundaries here, what else will he be sulky about.

He shouldn't be parenting them at all. My dsd have two parents and don't need me as a third. Your ds are the same. He should back right off imo.

i havne't read full thread.. sorry.. but
tbh many would see that as a red flag.. and rightly.
stay dating, and tell him it's none of his business ... one year... he needs to butt out, and you need to just keep the boundary - enjoy time wiht him and date, but def don't encourage any moves to father figure roles that is ridiculous. how old are your kids and how come they 'adore' him... try take it slower OP... protect your kids and enjoy dating him but with a boundary.

If he tries to get involved in things and I say I need to be the one to sort that out he gets upset and annoyed and then I end up having to deal with 2 massive situations.
Have you been absolutely explicit about what you feel his role is within this setup? I imagine coming into a family of 5 must be really hard. And if he's not actually allowed to act like an adult with regards the children nor given guide as to what you expect or tolerate, he's well and truly on a loser isn't he. And I imagine that this could lead to huge resentment on his side which will impact your relationship.
I'd have thought that the obvious way forward would be that for however you'd expect your sister say to manage the children, would be what you expect of him... But if you haven't been this transparent then that is on you....

Example today was eldest DS is having some school issues and I'd said its an issue that me, his Dad and the school need to get to the bottom of.After which he got annoyed that he couldn't be involved too after I was already upset with what DS was dealing with.
Now I could be wrong, but I read this and your later comments as, you won't discuss this with him nor other issues, which people in a relationship usually do. Doesn't mean you do what he suggests, but stonewalling really isn't, imo, the way to go. Hear him out and then do as you please. Make him feel his opinion counts and matters.

@ChoiceMummy

If he tries to get involved in things and I say I need to be the one to sort that out he gets upset and annoyed and then I end up having to deal with 2 massive situations. Have you been absolutely explicit about what you feel his role is within this setup? I imagine coming into a family of 5 must be really hard. And if he's not actually allowed to act like an adult with regards the children nor given guide as to what you expect or tolerate, he's well and truly on a loser isn't he. And I imagine that this could lead to huge resentment on his side which will impact your relationship. I'd have thought that the obvious way forward would be that for however you'd expect your sister say to manage the children, would be what you expect of him... But if you haven't been this transparent then that is on you....

Example today was eldest DS is having some school issues and I'd said its an issue that me, his Dad and the school need to get to the bottom of.After which he got annoyed that he couldn't be involved too after I was already upset with what DS was dealing with.
Now I could be wrong, but I read this and your later comments as, you won't discuss this with him nor other issues, which people in a relationship usually do. Doesn't mean you do what he suggests, but stonewalling really isn't, imo, the way to go. Hear him out and then do as you please. Make him feel his opinion counts and matters.

I have always been clear and honest about his role within our family unit. I have described him to DS like other people have said, like a bonus family member, a big brother kinda thing. There have been times when he has asked when I will allow him to take a more active role in their life and as more father type figure, to which I've always said I can't give him a time frame on it, it depends on our future and how the whole family feel.

I have not said I don't discuss things with him, of course I do. I value input from him and others and appreciate it. In regards to this situation I mentioned in my post he was aware of what DS was dealing with and had given me valuable input etc to the situation. However, without putting personal details and information online here, it genuinely wasn't something for him to be involved with. Like I said earlier, I've never said I don't listen to him or appreciate his thoughts but at the end of the day I have set boundaries and they are there for my own reasons.

@Costacoffeeplease

Not at all

Agree

I think you're right to be wary. I had similar with my boyfriend and my two DS's from a previous relationship. He insisted on parenting them from very early on. He was far firmer and tougher than I was. He said it was just to establish some boundaries but after buying a house together it became increasingly abusive. Don't ignore your gut, you've posted on here for a reason. I think you know it's wrong but are worried that you're just too sensitive given your previous abusive relationship.