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Parenting

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Original poster

I don't want to be a parent any more

76 replies

failedparent · 21/03/2022 12:07

I'm not new here. Been around a long time, but I have name changed.

You know how you see threads sometimes - I'm selling my kids on ebay, lighthearted ways of saying you're fed up of it all.

Well, I've been a parent for 19 years. And I've had enough. This is not a joke/lighthearted.
I would just like to stop being a parent. Just walk away, leave them all and start again. Single, keep my job, keep everything else, just go and find a flat somewhere on my own.

I love them, I just can't do it any more.

Mine are 19, 17, and 14. All on paper doing well, eg at school. Youngest 2 have had a lot of emotional needs over last few years, and some things have left me heartbroken, and I just don't have the energy to support them any more.
Over the last week I just feel as if the parental love has gone, got used up finally. Not because of them, but because I just cannot gather the emotional energy to keep doing it.

I don't even really know how to say it. They aren't bad kids, the issues aren't even that great, it is just as if I had the time patience and emotional depth to deal with dc1 as a teen and I just can't keep doing it any more. The emotional cost is too high. I've run out of capacity to be nice.

If I could, if it wouldnt cause so much damage, I would walk away tomorrow.
I love dh, he is a good 'un, and I don't want to deal with that either.

It is like an intense selfishness, I just want to stop being there for everyone else and just do my stuff. Me and the cat in a tiny flat with a little courtyard garden.

It isn't even as if they don't appreciate me, they do, but I just have nothing left.

Don't even know what I want from this thread, just felt like I needed to write it down somewhere.

I will keep on, keeping on as we all do.

OP posts:

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MissWired · 21/03/2022 12:14

Are you heading for menopause? I am 45 and frankly ran out of fucks to give at 40.

I haven't got the energy or estrogen to give a shit about anyone else any more. I don't feel bad about that either.

Original poster

failedparent · 21/03/2022 12:18

@MissWired

Are you heading for menopause? I am 45 and frankly ran out of fucks to give at 40.

I haven't got the energy or estrogen to give a shit about anyone else any more. I don't feel bad about that either.

55. I have mirena coil, so still get some light periods. Have no idea where I am in menopause cycle to be honest.

OP posts:

Patternmagic · 21/03/2022 12:19

I was going to say peri maybe too. I think I am as the last couple of years I have seriously run out of fucks too. It just feels relentless but whilst my eldest are becoming more independent and closer to spreading their wings, my youngest has severe SN so will always, always need a huge amount of care. I'm really not sure how much person there will be left after another 20years of this 😞

Interested in this thread?

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Ganymedemoon · 21/03/2022 12:22

I have no idea about teens as my oldest is 9. Do you do anything just for you on your own to help fill your tank. Anything that you love to do on your own or with friends? Maybe a holiday alone? Sounds to me like you need some serious me time.

curiousxxx · 21/03/2022 12:23

Menopause was my thought too!

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/03/2022 12:23

Frankly I think motherhood it totally overrated and for some women is life ruinous. You have my every sympathy.

ApolloandDaphne · 21/03/2022 12:26

Do you get time to do things just for yourself so you can refuel your energy reserves? I too used to dream of a little cottage by the sea just for me. My DDs have both moved out now and I have all the time I need for myself but I now find myself missing them!

Stillfunny · 21/03/2022 12:28

I understand. I has a DH who worked away and a very immature DD19 . The constant drama , atmosphere , doing all the driving and fussy meal preps really really wore me down.
DH came back and the dreariness continued . Turns out he was cheating but that is a different story.

So I left. Decided that that summer that I was off for six weeks to another country . Just me , doing whatever I wanted . Cried having to come back .

Both gone out of the house now and the peace is lovely.

Not ideal and impossible for some people to do. But I wanted you to know that I do understand how you feel. Years of being primary caretaker does get you down . Really , they should know how you feel and try to lessen your physical and mental load .

balzamico · 21/03/2022 12:36

I'm another who'd say menopause it really does knock your ability to give two shits about a lot of things.
If you're not going to up and leave (it doesn't sound like you will) can you indulge in some serious self care or mindfulness?

Original poster

failedparent · 21/03/2022 12:40

I'd love to go away etc.
But there is no money and no time.
I am off work over Easter, but we need to go and visit dh's family who we haven't seen since before Covid.
I know we need to go, but would like to stay home, look at the daffodils and eat chocolate.
Trouble is I really can't. We need to go. Kids need to see their family, no reason for me not to go except bloody mindedness, and to cap it all, dc1 has just told me they will come home from uni for Easter holidays and so there will be no peace here either.

Everything about life just feels like a rollercoaster, and it goes on endlessly

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 21/03/2022 12:41

Google compassion fatigue.
It is particularly common in parents with children with special needs but can apply to all parents.
You need to find some ways to "fill your own cup" again.

Quartz2208 · 21/03/2022 12:45

Why cant you not go. Why cant you say that after the last couple of years that you need some time and space and you are happy for them to go away

zoemum2006 · 21/03/2022 12:46

Can your DH take the kids by himself while you have some time alone in the house? Maybe you can meet them there later or just say you can’t go because you’re ill.

Motherhood is relentless and you could do with a break.

Moonface123 · 21/03/2022 12:46

To be honest l think alot of parents feel this way, l am a lone parent to two older teenagers and l am looking forward to when its just me. It will be pure freedom. l have no fear of empty nest syndrone, l can just do what l like, when l like. As parents we do a hell of alot more physically , mentally and emotionally with our kids than previous generations and it takes it toll. l am stepping back now with regards to mine, and concentrating more on myself care, you cant pour from an empty cup.

Donra · 21/03/2022 12:47

You only have four years left before you get rid of them all. You’re nearly there. Two are adults already so you only have one left to parent. Surely the 14yo is mostly independent anyway?

Positivelypatient · 21/03/2022 12:49

I too understand your feelings, Im a single parent to 18,23 and 25 DDs and although they are all doing well in their chosen life paths, they still require my support - even though only 1 left at home. And its the emotional support isnt it? you just think, when do I get any support? when does someone ask how my day was or really even see me as a separate person other than a mum.

People have mentioned the menopause and I think yes, maybe the menopause is that time in your life that you stop being that go to person for them. I've said to my DP, I just want someone else in front of me doing all that, being the one they turn to. I guess it will come in time when they get their own partners but sometimes I just want to run and hide when another problem comes flying my way.

Positivelypatient · 21/03/2022 12:50

@Donra problem is they don't stop needing you when they leave home, you still have to remote parent alot of the time.

schnubbins · 21/03/2022 12:51

Im 56 years olden feel exactly the same way .Mine are a little older at 21 and 23 and finally away studying /further studies but will be back for holidays etc. Thing is I don't want them to come back .I was a SAHM for most of their lives for various reasons and also because my youngest had learning difficulties compounded by a move to a different country and language .I basically taught him at home due to lack of any help at school.He has turned out wonderfully and I am so proud of what he has achieved and also my other son .They are great lads.Thing is now my parents are elderly and very, very needy .I live in a different country to them so have to fly backwards and forwards all the time.I am finding it so difficult to be caring and sometimes just want to scream"Leave me alone"! I also just want to go somewhere and be alone.I have had this feeling for quite a while and have gone from being a very nurturing person to not giving a toss .I started HRT about 9 months ago.It hasn't made me feel any different .My best friend of over 40 years feels exactly the same .So we are not alone.

JodieFoster1 · 21/03/2022 12:55

You are nearly there. Try to get some time to yourself. Sit down with your DH and see if you can have 48 hours by yourself. You need to rest and recharge. Mine are 18 and 15, I am almost 55, I do feel for you.

RedPanda901 · 21/03/2022 12:59

Maybe explain to DH how spent and exhausted you are and ask if you can stay at home while the kids and DH visit your in laws? I'd also ask DH to tell DC1 that he can't come back in the hols unless he goes with them to in laws. You need your space. My kids are on the cusp of teen years and I am dreading as I already feel worn out at times. I am usually a calm parent but occasionally I'll shout, get really cross and the kids realise how selfish they've been and ask me how I am etc. If it's not possible to have the house to yourself I'd explain to DC1 that you are having a parent holiday so won't be available to wash, clean and cook for them. Or sort out any issues. You need space to recharge. Please be firm. It's important for your mental health. X

Original poster

failedparent · 21/03/2022 13:04

thinking about this thread.
this sums it up:

And its the emotional support isnt it?

none of them are needy in typical teen ways, but the younger two need emotional support. The youngest probably has undiagnosed ASD, so we do a lot of scaffolding her.
My middle one is makign decisions that I find heartbreaking. I am supposed to support them in al their life choices, their lives etc etc. But I can't. I wnat to shout at her STOP BEING SO FUCKING STUPID and instead I am supposed to support he life choices. Can't give more detail.

As to why I can't go to Holland, well, for one, the youngest 2 would then want to stay here too.
but also, because in real life you don't actually turn up and say - my wife, who you haven't seen for more than two years, who is part of the family and is supposed to love you, has decided she can't be arsed to come.
Life doesn't actually work like that.

OP posts:

Ganymedemoon · 21/03/2022 13:13

@failedparent I'm also off to Holland during Easter to see the in laws. Would also really love to just stay put but my oldest will not go without me!

Regarding your middle child's poor choices. Can you try to change your mindset about that? As in she, like many will make mistakes in life and poor choices, it's par for the course really and let it be rather than let those feelings take over you. She will likely learn from it all at some point.

Gowithme · 21/03/2022 13:17

YOU don't need to go visit DH's family. You need some time out to yourself to recharge. You need to stop feeling obligated to others and start making yourself a priority so you can be there for kids the rest of the time, a 14 year old still really needs their parents to be there for them even if they don't seem like it. Send them all off to the in-laws for Easter, tell eldest if they're coming home they're going to in-laws too and have a lovely break.

Bluetrews25 · 21/03/2022 13:21

No, but he could say that his wife really needed some time to herself, as she's struggling to pour from an empty jug. We knew you'd understand, and here, she's written you a card/note/painted you a picture.
Because you do need that time.
Or, radical, how about you and DH go, leaving DCs at home?
Is it meno, is it depression? Do you need to see the GP (good luck with that). Is DH doing enough? Can you meet up with a good friend for a whingefest/put world to rights session/laugh-in?
You're so near the finish line

Lottapianos · 21/03/2022 13:30

'but also, because in real life you don't actually turn up and say - my wife, who you haven't seen for more than two years, who is part of the family and is supposed to love you, has decided she can't be arsed to come.
Life doesn't actually work like that.'

I hear you. It's very easy for strangers on the internet to talk about how you can't pour from an empty cup, and how you need to prioritise self care, and just say no, and all that, but it's far from easy to put any of that into practice. No doubt some would say that you have to start somewhere, and they may have a point, but I just wanted to acknowledge your exhaustion, and how defeated you sound. I hope it has helped in some small way to feel heard on here

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