I don't want to be a parent any more

[failedparent]

I'm not new here. Been around a long time, but I have name changed.

You know how you see threads sometimes - I'm selling my kids on ebay, lighthearted ways of saying you're fed up of it all.

Well, I've been a parent for 19 years. And I've had enough. This is not a joke/lighthearted.
I would just like to stop being a parent. Just walk away, leave them all and start again. Single, keep my job, keep everything else, just go and find a flat somewhere on my own.

I love them, I just can't do it any more.

Mine are 19, 17, and 14. All on paper doing well, eg at school. Youngest 2 have had a lot of emotional needs over last few years, and some things have left me heartbroken, and I just don't have the energy to support them any more.
Over the last week I just feel as if the parental love has gone, got used up finally. Not because of them, but because I just cannot gather the emotional energy to keep doing it.

I don't even really know how to say it. They aren't bad kids, the issues aren't even that great, it is just as if I had the time patience and emotional depth to deal with dc1 as a teen and I just can't keep doing it any more. The emotional cost is too high. I've run out of capacity to be nice.

If I could, if it wouldnt cause so much damage, I would walk away tomorrow.
I love dh, he is a good 'un, and I don't want to deal with that either.

It is like an intense selfishness, I just want to stop being there for everyone else and just do my stuff. Me and the cat in a tiny flat with a little courtyard garden.

It isn't even as if they don't appreciate me, they do, but I just have nothing left.

Don't even know what I want from this thread, just felt like I needed to write it down somewhere.

I will keep on, keeping on as we all do.

@AmandaHoldensLips

Frankly I think motherhood it totally overrated and for some women is life ruinous. You have my every sympathy.

This. Plus the menopause run out of fucks comment. It’s all completely over-rated and I can only nod alongside you and pass the gin OP.

I was struggling with everything and I hadn't realised I was actually depressed. I just couldn't cope with anything. Maybe not exact feelings as you but not far off and mine included work.
Anyway one day it hit me I haven't felt happiness for like well I couldn't remember I had no energy to do stuff. Didn't want to do anything. Went to GP got put on Sertraline. And just over a month later after riding out the initial not. Ice side effects I feel my base line has raised. Massively, and I have energy and a fucks bucket is much fuller.
Honestly it was almost like I didn't realise how low I was until I've been raised back up.
So Could be menopause and or a depressive episode. Either way I surgest investigation with a good GP.

OP a couple of things stand out:

• you sound depressed to me. Have you thought about speaking to your GP?

• You're talking euphemistically about the changes DC2 is making. I may be barking up the wrong tree, and I'm not going to state which tree it is if you're wanting to keep it hidden, but that could be a very significant change for the whole family. Have you sought any support for it? Your feelings are valid and you deserve space to work through them.

You have every reason to be exhausted and tired of it all. But I think whatever is going on with your DD is clearly hugely significant and massive and is likely affecting you even more than you already know that it is. Is it possible to seek counselling? The way you write it, it sounds like something completely irrevocable which is a huge thing for a15 year old. You have been so busy supporting her that you haven't necessarily been getting any support for yourself on that and the emotional and mental toll may well be huge.

I know that when, for example, I had to support my dad through some really difficult issues, I could do that because I had DH on my side supporting me. But in your case, your DH IS supporting you but probably is also struggling. So acknowledging and admitting that, to each other and possibly to a third party professional, might help.

Also, if you're going to try harder to take time for yourself, remember to be a little selfish. It can be so hard, "oh no, I can't possibly miss a rugby game, DS will be devastated" or whatever. But actually, of course you can. reading between the lines, you've been 100% there for your family, which is great, but sometimes a little selfishness is not a bad thing.

Actually it really sounds like you do need to have a break and you need to find the courage to open up about about how bad you are feeling to those that can help you. I once cancelled on a trip with in laws and I knew they would be really disappointed so it wasn't a situation where I would just male an excuse. I chose to tell them the truth that I was having problems with depression and really felt like I couldn't make the trip. I really had to swallow my pride to admit that but actually it was fine. I got the break I needed but also, because I had been honest I didn't feel guilty about not going.

yes I think dd is the last straw that has killed us. And it may be that in a week or so I can pick myself up again.

dd is 17 not 15 btw.

Support? Counselling? Professional?

These all sound wonderful.
and not available at all on the NHS is any way shape or form, not even for dd herself, let alone for the parents.

I know, because we are on waiting lists for our youngest for CAHMS referral, in her case for autism diagnosis, and it is 2-4 year waiting list.
Adult services (older dd) is just as long.

The mental health provision in the UK is non existant. I love the NHS, but I am at my wits end trying to get any sort of support from it for these issues.

I have a small group opf women who are really supporting me. They are great.
But no-one can actually do anything, stop her from being an idiot, make her change, and that is the only thing which would help. In her case I was sort of relying on the long wait time to meant that she would not access anything until she was older. But she has a Saturday job and has saved up £500 and is now going to go private. That was the bombshell last week, and that, I think has been the final straw for me.

I might be depressed. Or just tired. Or just not want the responsibility. I don't know actually.

I don't really drink, but last night I had a lovely glass of ginger wine left over from Christmas. And then promptly got massive stomach ache

That sounds really hard OP. She clearly wants the change, but if it is so significant and irreversible then I can well see why you would want her to wait a bit to see if she matures and changes her mind.

Is she expecting you all to cheerlead her decision? That will absolutely drain your mental energy if you don't agree with her.

Does she pay you any keep at the moment? Do you pay any of her bills? Basically, can you make a case that if she is earning enough to save then she doesn't need so much financial support from you and DH?

and again, no,I cannot cancel Holland. Youngest dd would not go without me, and it actually would not be fair to ask her to. Dh is not good enough at anticipating when she can't cope. She is too polite?/aware? to make a fuss, but then gets overwhelmed and would melt down in wrong time/place. Too much unknown, too much out of routine etc etc.

@YellowHpok

That sounds really hard OP. She clearly wants the change, but if it is so significant and irreversible then I can well see why you would want her to wait a bit to see if she matures and changes her mind.

Is she expecting you all to cheerlead her decision? That will absolutely drain your mental energy if you don't agree with her.

Does she pay you any keep at the moment? Do you pay any of her bills? Basically, can you make a case that if she is earning enough to save then she doesn't need so much financial support from you and DH?

She's 17, and in school sixth form, no she doesn't pay bills. She works hard at the weekend, we don't give her an allowance, we buy food and toiletries and pay her phone. (cheap) She pays for everything on top of food etc herself. I would not expect her to pay rent/bills at all.

@failedparent I hear you loud and clear. Struggling myself.

I think if I'm reading between the right lines that I am dealing with the same issue with one of my kids (18 yrs old). It's killing me.

Sending massive hugs your way.

X

Sounds really tough all round.

I had a two month mental breakdown once, curled up on the sofa watching House all day because it was all my brain could cope with.

Could that be an option? Only half joking

@failedparent - could you just build in the occasional night away staying at one of your friends house, and just have a day off going for a walk with them and the dog and a nice meal in a pub. Something simple and not too tricky to organise, but just to give you some release and down time and a few days in the calendar to look forward to? Ideally 24 hours at least.

It sounds like you really need at least a full on week off just you, DH and dog - but that this isn't practical at moment. So you perhaps just need to build in at least some "away from it all" time.

I could have written so much of your post OP. DDs are 18 and 14 now, DD1 left school at 16 and went to college and has now dropped out of two different courses and isn't even bothering to apply for jobs, with DD2 we're now 1.5 years into waiting for an ASD diagnosis from CAMHS. Her school have been really accommodating in some ways but her attendance is around 40% (and tbh I think that is higher than her actual attendance as we are often phoned to have someone pick her up if she does go in as she has meltdowns constantly and just wants to leave. We had to stop paying for school meals for her as we were paying for lunches she wasn't having there and was home eating all the food here instead.)

I'm completely mentally done by it. I can't plan anything during the day in case I get a call. DH has switched his shifts at work so he can be available as much as possible to help out but it means he's now working quite late hours and then sleeping all morning so I hardly see him. We don't have nice family dinners any more unless he has a rare day off (his work is understaffed so he ends up doing a lot of overtime) and DDs hate me forcing them to sit and eat with me. They'd happily eat in their rooms constantly if I let them. I know it's all getting on top of DH too, he's DDs' stepfather so I wouldn't blame him if he just left us because of it all.

I've gained a lot of weight recently due to health issues and just from lockdown etc when I wasn't going out and I know that has affected my mental health too, I can't just go for a walk to clear my head as I end up in a huge amount of pain. That's actually the thing that has stopped me walking out the house quite a few times.

I didn't actually think about peri-menopause possibly being a factor in it though. I'm in my early 40s now and my periods haven't stopped in frequency but they've become slightly more irregular but also unbearably heavy to the point I'm housebound on the worst days so I know I'm always near a bathroom.

@ShinyPikachu please try to see your gp about your periods. Mine tied me to the bathroom on certain days as well (apparently it’s called flooding, which is completely flipping accurate) and it’s no fun. I got a mirena which has worked miracles, but there other options too.

The OP is trying to keep her child's decision private, so please stop openly speculating about what it might be

@Lottapianos

The OP is trying to keep her child's decision private, so please stop openly speculating about what it might be

But if it is trans related it would explain a lot of how op is feeling. That’s why people are asking. It’s quite a common reaction to a child transitioning that the parent shuts down / pushes the family away as the family isn’t what they perceived it to be - it’s a very typical reaction, although a sad one.

And if it isn’t that…. I think loads of women do feel this way as we get older. We give up a lot of ourselves for other people, there comes a tipping point where enough is enough.

I can sympathise OP. I often fantasise about just being on my own, with nobody else to consider.

Mine are older and have left home, but they still tend to tell me things/ask advice about everything and I feel worn out with it. To be fair most of it is my own lack of ability to switch off and let them get on with it, I've always been a fixer so always think I have to find a solution. I put a lot of pressure on myself!

I've now found myself taking a lot of responsibility for my dad as well, and every day I think "I wonder if I'll ever be able to just please myself, be selfish, do what I want without worrying about others?"

I was the parent dealing with an issue that I think you may have with one of your children. I was so frightened for them and convinced that they were making a terrible mistake and would have regrets. We tried reasoning, cajoling and getting a dog (which I'll admit was a very long shot). I was not one of those woke parents who somehow instantly gets on board with the decision. I hoped so much that they would change their mind. In fact I'd have done almost anything for them not to go ahead. They did go ahead as a teenager. They are in their twenties, have a partner, plenty of friends and are doing really well in getting into an incredibly competitive course and training for a well paid career. They have no regrets. I know another person in the same community who is a well accepted professional. I know it's not what you wanted (or what I wanted) but they can still have great lives.

I am not going to respond to those asking about dd's issue.
I know many of the comments are meant kindly, and those I have listened to and taken on board, but this thread is not actually about her

Nor is it about my wokeness of other wise Bagelsandbrie you are rude. Making many assumptions on no information to suit your own agenda. Stand down my dear and back off.

It is about how yet another thing has been the last straw, and how I want my life back.
I so much wanted to be a parent. It was all I wanted really, home family etc. I am not a big career person, although I love my job. I love my kids, and they are relatively easy compared to some. ShinyPikachu in particular my heart goes out to you, as your dd is just 2 steps further than my youngest dd, but those 2 steps further make all the difference. Your experience is so close to what might have been that I really, really feel it for you.

From an outsider, they look fine, ds at uni doing well, dd1 at sixth form, doing well, dd2 at school, wanting to do well, and committed to being there (that was very debatable over the last 2 years, so I don't take that lightly). They are healthy. They are funny and nice and often kind. They are not rude and grumpy (mostly) not doing drugs, no-one is pregnant/ got their gf pregnant. Older ones have both held down good Saturday jobs and earned money etc etc etc etc etc etc.

So it is really hard to pinpoint why I am finished.
I do think menopause is relevant, and maybe that is it, I just do not have any fucks to give any more, not even for my own kids.

I know that I will get by. Yes I need to take some time. Yes, I need to do more emotional self care. Maybe dh and I need some time away.
I think the shock of dd's news last week has knocked me flat, I will get up and probably in a few weeks I'll be OK again.

I wasn’t being rude. At all. I was trying to be kind actually. And I have no agenda. None whatsoever.

@failedparent lots of hugs. Many of us mums are so crap at self care, it really can take its toll as we eventually have nothing left to give. As for the menopause/peri menopause, ergh! It sucks big time and is so poorly understood the wide reaching impact it can have on all aspects of our lives.

I can empathise, I have told mine that when the youngest is finished school (5 years to go....) I am leaving the country. I want to live closer to my parents and help them out. At that point I feel my ex H can step up and contribute something other than money.

I just want to be free again, I didnt realise what I giving up when I had children. I didnt realise every opportunity and dream of my own would come a poor second or third to everyone else's. I asked my mother about this and she said well you can do what men do, whatever suits you and everyone else has to fall in line. But then I deal the emotional fallout disaster anyway so there is no way to win. But I am drawing the line in the sand with them, 5 years to go.

I suppose you already have with your DD, but do be unequivocally clear you think she is being utterly stupid and short-sighted. I wish my mother had when I made a stupid choice in my 20s.

It’s quite a common reaction to a child transitioning that the parent shuts down / pushes the family away as the family isn’t what they perceived it to be - it’s a very typical reaction, although a sad one.

this is at best patronising and at worst a direct criticism of OP and how she is dealing with her dd. (pushing her away) so yes it was rude. Not kind at all.