I don't want to be a parent any more

[failedparent]

I'm not new here. Been around a long time, but I have name changed.

You know how you see threads sometimes - I'm selling my kids on ebay, lighthearted ways of saying you're fed up of it all.

Well, I've been a parent for 19 years. And I've had enough. This is not a joke/lighthearted.
I would just like to stop being a parent. Just walk away, leave them all and start again. Single, keep my job, keep everything else, just go and find a flat somewhere on my own.

I love them, I just can't do it any more.

Mine are 19, 17, and 14. All on paper doing well, eg at school. Youngest 2 have had a lot of emotional needs over last few years, and some things have left me heartbroken, and I just don't have the energy to support them any more.
Over the last week I just feel as if the parental love has gone, got used up finally. Not because of them, but because I just cannot gather the emotional energy to keep doing it.

I don't even really know how to say it. They aren't bad kids, the issues aren't even that great, it is just as if I had the time patience and emotional depth to deal with dc1 as a teen and I just can't keep doing it any more. The emotional cost is too high. I've run out of capacity to be nice.

If I could, if it wouldnt cause so much damage, I would walk away tomorrow.
I love dh, he is a good 'un, and I don't want to deal with that either.

It is like an intense selfishness, I just want to stop being there for everyone else and just do my stuff. Me and the cat in a tiny flat with a little courtyard garden.

It isn't even as if they don't appreciate me, they do, but I just have nothing left.

Don't even know what I want from this thread, just felt like I needed to write it down somewhere.

I will keep on, keeping on as we all do.

Regarding your middle child's poor choices. Can you try to change your mindset about that? As in she, like many will make mistakes in life and poor choices, it's par for the course really and let it be rather than let those feelings take over you. She will likely learn from it all at some point.

I know what you are saying. Unfortunately she is about to do something which she can't ever come back from. We have for the last 5 years supported her as she is. In the hope that as she grew and matured she would see the world a little differently. My one hope was that she didn't do anything that was permanent until she was 20+. That is what we have been saying to her. Let yourself grow up, then see. She told us this week that she was making one of those permanent decisions, and fairly soon.
I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back to be honest. I feel so angry that I can't stop her. All the support was in the end for nothing. I wouldn't feel the same if she was 5 years older. She is just too young, and there is nothign I can do about it.

I am off work over Easter, but we need to go and visit dh's family who we haven't seen since before Covid.
I know we need to go, but would like to stay home, look at the daffodils and eat chocolate.
Trouble is I really can't

You can. You really, really can. Get your DH to take the children on his own. Stay at home and eat the chocolate. Do it!

You can totally not go to fucking Holland!!

You're a part of a family that loves you back. You can, and should be supported, to have what you need (time alone) as much as giving them what you think they want (your presence). I bet what they really want is a happy mum/wife/DIL rather than one who turns up in body but not in spirit.

Kids, though teenagers, are still kids & do as they're told. They go, you stay.

Taking this step might be the thing to put you back on the path to feeling more like yourself.

@Lottapianos

'but also, because in real life you don't actually turn up and say - my wife, who you haven't seen for more than two years, who is part of the family and is supposed to love you, has decided she can't be arsed to come. Life doesn't actually work like that.'

I hear you. It's very easy for strangers on the internet to talk about how you can't pour from an empty cup, and how you need to prioritise self care, and just say no, and all that, but it's far from easy to put any of that into practice. No doubt some would say that you have to start somewhere, and they may have a point, but I just wanted to acknowledge your exhaustion, and how defeated you sound. I hope it has helped in some small way to feel heard on here

Thank you.

In real life we do have to do stuff that is less than ideal or less than we want to. Other people do actually matter.
My lovely dh put up with me doing loads for my parents during first lockdown, at cost in time energy and expense to us. We had no choice really, they were vulnerable and someone needed to organise shopping etc. Thankfully it was only first lockdown and then they were able to orgaise some of it for themselves.

He put the time and ebergy into them then. I need to now give his family the time and energy too.

The pp who said - he can visit HIS family. But they have also been my family for the last 23 years.

Honestly you really and truly can say you’re not going. I have just said I am not going to a big family event overseas. I’ve spoken to all DH’s family and said how sad I am to be missing it, which I am, but I just can’t manage it. They do understand. And absolutely forbid the children staying behind with you. The question is whether the time alone will be enough to recharge or whether you’ll feel the same at the end of it. I do think you should talk to your DH about how you’re feeling. Mine are much younger but I’m feeling suffocated by it all too

'I bet what they really want is a happy mum/wife/DIL rather than one who turns up in body but not in spirit.'

That's one of those 'nice in theory' sentiments. I can absolutely tell you that what my family (parents, brother, sister) want is for me to show up on command and do what I'm told. They give not one shit about my comfort or sense of self or sanity. Not saying that OP's in-laws are the same necessarily. Now does that mean that these people must have their way and you can never let them down? No, it doesn't, but it does make things more complex than 'just stay home'

Just seen your update. Can you travel out a bit later than your family? Just to give you a few days alone? Then join them and all travel back together?

Please can we not turn this into about whether or not I should go to Holland.

@Herecomesthesun2022

Just seen your update. Can you travel out a bit later than your family? Just to give you a few days alone? Then join them and all travel back together?

we are actually going for the bare minimum, 6 days which includes the 2 days travel.

Your kids are most definitely old enough! Go on a weekend break and delegate tasks at home so that you're not overwhelmed and overloaded. You need time for yourself, hobbies....

Good luck

Why don't you go? Maybe they can manage without you.

If you feel the trip is non negotiable, fine, but think about small changes you can make in your day to day life that will positively bolster you.

@grey12

Your kids are most definitely old enough! Go on a weekend break and delegate tasks at home so that you're not overwhelmed and overloaded. You need time for yourself, hobbies....

Good luck

I meant break WITHOUT the kids, should have written better

I feel for you OP. I think your mirena might be shielding menopause and you need to talk to gp about HRT, I found it Did help, though I accept others don't find this. Or low grade anti depressants to take the edge off your feelings while you work through your middle DC issues. Might help you to step back a bit and work out what you can, and cannot, control. For what it's worth, the way you describe your DH, he sounds like a good person, and you are clearly fond of him. Perhaps a very long conversation with him, away from your DC, might be worthwhile.

I’d definitely not go to the inlaws in your situation.. I’d fake a positive covid test if I had to save face and couldn’t just back out but you really need to practice some self care & that begins with saying no and having some time to yourself. You absolutely have a choice in the trip or not- choose yourself this time & they can all go without you! If not, say in that case I will be going away on my own for that week, and mean it. X

I think one of the things is that dh is as upset and stressed by middle dc's decision as I am, so going away feels like leaving him with the emotional baggage.

I would love us to have a weekend away together actually.
I think I might float that with him.
Just no weekends we can do it until May.

I hear you all about self care.
I know that this all sounds like that is the issue. I am honestly not sure that that is it.

I think saying you could happily just stop parenting now is just so unacceptable. I know I could go away, have some time off, etc etc, but I still have to come back and parent don't I? Even dc1 who is away at uni still needs parenting sometimes.

I am not sure that there are actually any answers or solutions. I can't actually stop parenting. I've done a good job of making them independent, dc1 will come home from uni, doesn't expect anything, he looks after himself, does own washing, cooking etc. He's a good egg. Just....

ugg I don't know really.

No words of wisdom, just support. Im 50 and could have written this word for word. 3 young adult kids, 19, 21 and 23. They still lean on me for fucking everything. DH who is lovely but has MH issues and tbh I carry him too. Ive just gone NC with narc family who ive carried my whole life, which i thought would make me better, and although practically im not doing anything for them anymore im still carrying the emotional load. I HATE that women are just expected to carry the load for everyone their whole lives- men dont. I live next to a train line and each time a train goes by i imagine walking up to our little train station, hopping on one and just fucking off. As i said, no words of wisdom, but i hear you. Other women feel like this too as this thread has shown. We need to all speak up more so thers dont feel so alone.

Oh gosh. Snap on the DDs crap decision making. I put her through 5 years of education , all the while really not supportive of her career choice. And of course , I was right ! All for nothing , now trained in a different field , while coming back living at home . And so infuriating that despite trying to calmly point out the issues , was told I was not supportive. But who has to bail her out when it all went tits up ?!
BTW , crap Dad never got involved so she feels sorry for him having to leave her and he has ended up couch surfing with her.
So I get how it can be the last straw , especially if you are worried about having to pick up the pieces. You sat DH is a good guy , so hopefully he will help you there.
Of course you have to go to see in laws. Is it a difficult visit ? Or are they welcoming and nice to be with ? When you come back , perhaps plan a weekend or even a day out doing what you want.

Leave here . I kicked him out .

FWIW I do wonder if you have backed yourself into a bit of a corner if you don't have any weekends free til May and have to do this holiday at Easter. You might not realise it but you are probably putting everyone else's needs first- they need you to taxi them here, they need you to support them there, and so bit by bit space for your own thoughts, your own time, your own body even, all your needs are just subordinated to theirs. You've started to feel you have to do these things endlessly or something will go wrong.

I'm saying this as I've done similar. I've also crashed though and can no longer do many of them- you know what, they are all doing better than I feared when I was totally on the hamster wheel of feeling like I was responsible for everyone else's happiness/choices/lives.

Definitely get the hormones checked as well, but the key thing is to start saying no a lot more and doing more things that meet your needs. It's hard though as everyone is used to you being the physical and mental supporter of the whole family. You need to let them know that if you don't stop soon, you'll run down to the point you can't do it all anyway- there's no point til waiting til you have a breakdown or completely burnout.

I could have written your OP @failedparent

The details would be a bit different but the sentiment exactly the same. I feel like I just can't do it anymore. Obviously I will have to, because I have to but, love my children as I do, if I had my time again, I wouldn't have them.

When they were younger, when we went swimming they would all hold on to me while I was swimming and I had to battle to stay afloat. And that is how I feel all the time now, like I am fighting to stop them from going under and pulling me with them. And I am tired.

So no advice I'm afraid, but you are not alone.

I get you too OP. In my 50s, single mum with DC at home. I do like our family life in many ways and I adore my DC, they are great company. But there's a powerful feeling deep inside me that I want to be onto the next stage now. The cottage, the cat, the buggering off for weekends on a whim, doing what I like when I like, running my own schedule. Staying up till 2am and not having to get up to nag them out of the door in time for school.

I think when I was in my late 30s and having my DC, yes I knew it was a bit on the late side and I knew I'd have teenagers when I was in my 50s, but I didn't know I'd have this feeling, like I just want to move on. I do still want to be their mum, but not the full-on responsibility and daily drudgery. It's as if they should be adults now and it doesn't quite make sense that they're not.

And redannie yes the carrying, the endless being the support system and being where the buck stops. I split up with ex and that made life a lot easier, and he does have the kids for regular overnights, but I'm still his backup system too, I'm still the carrier, he can just opt out. I'm still the one with the mental load and spinning 20 plates.

I also refused to keep being the carrier for dysfunctional wider family members and that has been a great relief. And it was definitely with the arrival of perimenopause that I thought "you know what, fuck this."

But there's a powerful feeling deep inside me that I want to be onto the next stage now. The cottage, the cat, the buggering off for weekends on a whim, doing what I like when I like, running my own schedule. Staying up till 2am and not having to get up to nag them out of the door in time for school.

yes.
This exactly.

I keep saying to dh, I want to buy a VW camper and take off for weekends, just us and the dog.
dc 3 isn't old enough yet, but that is my plan. Dh doesn't quite get it yet, but he will!
Our dog died and we have got a new dog, young dog with years of lofe and hill waking left in him. I am looking at him and thinking he is my retirement plan.
No money for a VW van, and anyway I want in integral loo. But something. (and no dh, not a bloody tent )

Could dh take them to see family on his own?