Children moving away. Should I stay or should I go?

[spacemonkey]

It's complicated, but I'm really interested to know what people think about this situation.

I moved to London from Colchester (about 70 miles away) in the summer with my two children - ds is 11 and dd is 13. The plan was to home ed dd and for ds to go to a lovely school in London. Both kids were apprehensive at first, but excited too.

I should add here that their dad (separated 6 years ago) still lives in Colchester.

When we actually moved things went horribly pear shaped. Dd totally freaked - refused to go out and got horribly low, and even started self harming. Ds was a little star and tried to settle, but after three months his unhappiness was so evident I asked him if he would rather go back to his old school and live with his dad. Immediately he jumped at the opportunity, and started back at his old school last week. He genuinely seems really happy. I spent the whole week feeling gutted that I have lost my baby. His sister went with him to help him settle, but then on Friday she called me and asked if I would mind her returning to her old school too (this will involve xh lodging an appeal with the LEA because her school has said they have no space for her).

They're both back with me for the weekend. They want me to move back to Colchester, but I really don't want to go. I feel that if I stay in London and become a weekend mum I may be failing them. But if I go back to Colchester I will be miserable there. I have told them I will think about it.

If I had foreseen all of this, I doubt I would have moved at all tbh. But I have moved and I love it here and don't want to go back.

Opinions?

Thanks essbee X

It's made me realise that I haven't a clue what to do with myself. I married at 20, had dd at 23 and ds at 25. I was a single parent from 29 to 35. I've only ever lived for other people and made decisions on the basis of what's best for them. Of course I'm still their mum and I'll still have to take them into account, but not in the same way as before. I don't really know who I am or what I want without them as part of the equation.

np, they will come to stay with me in London - I haven't got anywhere to stay where they are (unless I stay at xh's - I don't think so!)

Message withdrawn

First thing I have to do is find a job. I'm still officially employed, but have been off sick since the beginning of september and receiving SSP. As a result I haven't been able to meet any of my debt repayments and have fallen into arrears with everything. I am getting housing/CT benefits though, so my rent is being paid (although I've got substantial rent arrears - they are still deciding whether to backdate my claim). I'm just plucking up the courage to call a debt counselling service today before I start getting summonses in the post. I feel like all my confidence has disappeared. I know I'm capable of doing all sorts work-wise, but I'm worried that I won't get a job because of all the time I've had off in the last year. I'm thinking about going to a temp agency. I'd love to do some study - it's something I want to aim for in September (hopefully should have some sort of income by then). What I'd really like to do is a degree (maybe with the OU).

I cannot believe I missed this entire thread and updates until just now. So sorry you have had all this stress and misery but good to hear a firm arrangement seems to be starting to work for you all.
I can vouch for essbee's assertion - I don't see nearly enough of my children during the week for precisely that reason
Hugs spacemonkey - had no idea what you had been through in recent months on this front.

Thanks for the hugs marina!

really glad you all feel more settled. It looks like both your ds, your dd and you are living where you want to be and doing what you want to do - and how many families can say that!

I'm sure if you find a job, that will help hugely when you negotiate with creditors, even if their letters are getting nasty. IME, the letters are written to a formula and their main aim is to scare you into getting in touch to make an agreement, not to take you to court.

Good luck with finding something. Or several things as you could do some training, work and do fun stuff - no family to tie you down and the area you live is a nice, lively and interesting one. I am really glad for you. It sounds like you missed a lot of this when you were younger. And knowing your children are happy and busy during the week means you can relax with them at weekends without needing to rush round 'selling' london to them.