Children moving away. Should I stay or should I go?

[spacemonkey]

It's complicated, but I'm really interested to know what people think about this situation.

I moved to London from Colchester (about 70 miles away) in the summer with my two children - ds is 11 and dd is 13. The plan was to home ed dd and for ds to go to a lovely school in London. Both kids were apprehensive at first, but excited too.

I should add here that their dad (separated 6 years ago) still lives in Colchester.

When we actually moved things went horribly pear shaped. Dd totally freaked - refused to go out and got horribly low, and even started self harming. Ds was a little star and tried to settle, but after three months his unhappiness was so evident I asked him if he would rather go back to his old school and live with his dad. Immediately he jumped at the opportunity, and started back at his old school last week. He genuinely seems really happy. I spent the whole week feeling gutted that I have lost my baby. His sister went with him to help him settle, but then on Friday she called me and asked if I would mind her returning to her old school too (this will involve xh lodging an appeal with the LEA because her school has said they have no space for her).

They're both back with me for the weekend. They want me to move back to Colchester, but I really don't want to go. I feel that if I stay in London and become a weekend mum I may be failing them. But if I go back to Colchester I will be miserable there. I have told them I will think about it.

If I had foreseen all of this, I doubt I would have moved at all tbh. But I have moved and I love it here and don't want to go back.

Opinions?

Dear spacemonkey, I've not been on MN for some months now, I am so sorry that things have gone tt's up with the dd/ds and the move to London.Having read through this thread I agree with others that have said 'stay'.Your two have the chance to spend time with their father, and you can have some breathing space to get yourself together.I understand exactly* what you mean by 'a sense of liberation' and also what it's like to be redundant from the 'day job'(mumming!).(I'm about to be retired from my stint in a couple of years after 20 yrs or so at home and I don't have a clue what to do with myself), perhaps you could think of the separation as a wonderful chance to show your kids just what their mum can do when left to her own devices, maybe it will help them to see you as a person not just 'mum'.
I'm also sorry your dd was convinced London was such a bad place, I live in the suburbs and my daughter has friends that have never been on public tranport on their own !,and she's 15. As we don't have a car she's had to learn to get around on her own, and now she's happily (hoping !) to go into town for her college course.Your dd will get used to London given time, and a burning desire to shop for the latest clothes !
Best of luck with whatever you decide,love B

spacemonkey, my heart goes out to you. To be cut off from your children, just when you had planned out a new life for you all, must be so hard.

But, FWIW, I'd stay in London for now. Three months is nothing - you are still settling in. You must give your new life a chance. Give things a year or more. Don't say you'll never go back to Colchester, but only go if you want to. A bitter, resentful person does not make a good mother and you have worked hard for this move.

It's not as if Colchester is at the end of the universe - you can see your children at weekends, and if you continue to be off work you will be time rich, so if finances permit, can still travel up midweek for any school meetings/extra visits as and when. Being honest, how much time would you see your children monday to friday if they were living with you? - four/five rushed hours a day? Minus school, travelling and homework time, how much real time would you spend with them? Even now, I spend most of my time with my 10 year old at weekends. It's his company at the weekends I'd miss if he was not here, far more than the his presence during the weekdays. Ok I know you were going to home educate your dd, but even still...

The other thing that occurred to me is this. Fast forward two or three years - if you like london you will have built up a life here by then. Your children may be much more into the idea of london as well. And your oldest will be going into the sixth form - possibly one in London? That would be a natural time for her to move up and would not disrupt her education at all. Your son could follow then or soon afterwards.

And your ex - he sounds like he can provide a good home for your children so that's a blessing. It could work out fine but it is still untried. He has not been a full time parent for 6 years. It could be that your children, in a few months, will realise they don't want to live with him after all and will be really glad you have built up a home for them in London.

So in my rambling I am saying put yourself first, if you feel happy about london, your home here will be a happy place and one that your children will want to come to. What your children really want, and what your ex really wants area IMO still uncertain things. Firstly because your children are children and secondly becuase your ex has not had them living with him for 6 years. Only you are the certain element in this so hold fast to what you feel makes you happy.

I am saying this without having experienced this dilemma, but 'don't go back yet' is my first thought.

Oh, my heart goes out to you, Spacemonkey. My 15yo dd decided she wanted to return to school in the UK when we were living in SE Asia. We decided we had to let her go - the options seemed to be that either she remained with us, desperately unhappy, or she went home and we were desperately unhappy. Hard as it was, we preferred to take the misery upon ourselves. We didn't see her for 7mths and even phone calls are very hard from that part of the world. It's the worst thing we've ever gone through with any of our children and it could have continued for another three years but it turned out to be the best decision, in the circs.

Would it help if you could regard your children as being at boarding school, rather than being separated from you? I imagine they will spend the holidays with you, too. Ime, both children have time to change their minds about where they live and maybe as they approach the time to choose GCSE courses they will appreciate all that London has to offer and decide to move back with you. Or can you make a plan of action which would help you cope with a few more years in Colchester, targets that would help mark off the time for you until you can return to the Big Smoke? Best wishes in making a decision.

My goodness spacemonkey, what a dilemma!

I'm curious as to how you're actually settling in London. I know from the other thread that Islington isn't the place for you, and that you are looking to relocate to a different area. Obviously that will mean that your "settling in" is postponed and that building a London life will take that bit longer for you. Have you got the start of some friendships here yet? Three months isn't very long for that to happen, but perhaps you knew people before? You mentioned that an advantage of London was that your family live here - has that worked out well so far? I ask as someone who tried to "go home" to be with family only to realise that they had their own lives established and weren't as available as I would have liked. Have you been happy with their support/availability? You mentioned leaving Colchester partly because your job doesn't exist any longer - are you working in London, or do you hope/plan to do so? And finally, does your dp have anything to do with why you moved to London in the first place, and is he part of the reason you want to stay?

Just trying to get a more clear picture of what it is that has drawn you to London, and what is potentially keeping you here. What a difficult choice!

Glad you haven't been stoned on here sm!!! My 2 major questions would be - are your kids both totally happy living in Colchester with your ex, and if you left it for a few months and wanted them to live back with you, would your ex try and stop you? If they're happy where they are and you're happy where you are then it's probably worth sticking with that for the short-term and seeing how you feel when the dust has settled. If there'd be a problem having the kids back if you wanted to, then obviously that's something you need to be wary of.

It's not as though your kids are tiny now - they need you to be their mum but that doesn't necessarily mean being there 24/7 if your ex can look after them well. As long as they know you're there whenever they want you. And if you're happier and they're happier, it could turn out to be the ideal situation for now. Yes, when they're grown up you've lost the childhood forever but they'll still be your kids when they're adults and you'll still have a relationship with them.

Maybe if you forced the kids to stay they would settle but that's not guaranteed and it's a lot of aggro for you and them to go through. Who knows, when dd finishes school she might be straight back living with you for uni/a job/ constant shopping/the nightlife. She might even go to Cuba Libre one night and come home to tell you she's going out with a fit barman that works there!!

Don't do what you're supposed to do - do what you feel will make you and your kids happy now and in the long run.

just to add another thought. Would it help if you set a time limit for next September when the new school year begins? Your youngest son would just be starting secondary school then. If he stays at his old primary school in Colchester on the firm understanding he will go to secondary school in London in September, would that be a workable plan? Even if he stays in Colchester, he will be changing schools then anyway, so his old life will be ending. Your dd is older, so more difficult for you to decide what to do, but I thought I'd throw in this suggestion.

Sorry you are not feeling mega settled in Islington as yet. I missed that thread.

spacemonkey, just wanted to add, donty feel guilty about this. They are being well cared of and loved by the sounds of things and it may be a positive experience for them living withtheir dad for a while. Nothing is set in stone. I personally would stay put for a while and have them at weekedns as planned. Also could you not break the week up a bit and drive up to see them, say mid week for a couple of hours?

really hope you come to a decision you are happy with. You sound like a fab mum tbh and i hope somewhere you find a conclusion. Sorry i havent been much help but just wanted to add my support to you x

Spacemonkey, this must be so terribly difficult for you --- I can't even begin to imagine how stressful it is! I have no advice for you, but wanted to let you know that you will always have a sympathetic ear here.... xxxx

HUgs sm xxxxxxxxxxxx

(((hugs))) Really hope everything works out well for you all.

hi sm

havent read all other responses, i know you are not looking for sympathy but just wanted to add that you sound like a great mum, your children sound like well-rounded individuals whose mum has given them the freedom to make their own choices. must have been so difficult for you. if you are happy in london, i think you should stay there. if you move back then its a big upheaval and even tho your children are still early teens just now, they will be adults before you know it and they will have moved on themselves (maybe?)

i left home when i could at 16 cos i hated living with my dad, altho i loved my mum and felt like i was abandoning her. she has now left my dad and when she did she thought about moving closer to me, 50 miles away. i told her no, you have friends where you are and a life there and its just as well i did cos if she had she would be even further away from me now cos i moved again

if they have a happy mum it counts for a lot

hope this helps

Thanks np. Just saw your thread about your dh, and I'm sorry you're having a difficult time of it at the moment My mil died of cancer when dd was 1, and it was hard because xh reacted to her death with a lot of anger, and wouldn't talk about it. It must be very, very hard for you because you're the one holding everything together.

Dd texted me last night and asked if they can stay in Colchester this weekend so they can go swimming with friends. This is all very strange, very mixed feelings here.

that must be the hard part,cos although they are still young they are growing up and want to do things with friends etc at weekends.

have you come closer to any decision?

just wanted to add, when i left home (iknow i was 16 but its the only way i feel i can help) i felt like the worst daughter in the world leaving mum at home with dad. but mum had always let me make my own choices with only advice when i needed it and because she let me go i felt even closer to her. we are so close now, even though we dont see each other often. im always saying thanks to her for letting me go and do my own thing.

does that make sense?!

also, just to say i got a real surprise when i read you had 2 almost teenage children! in my mind you were early 20's with 2 babies. just goes to show

why not write a list of pros and cons of moving and of staying? dead simple but always works for me.

will they be sad if you dont go back too? will you be sad if you do?

have you started the ball rolling for dd to go back to her old school?

as you said its very complicated and must be hard to get your head round sometimes

Thanks for thinking of me nailpolish X

Well they've only been gone a little over a week and I feel I have a massive hole where my life used to be. I wonder if this is how parents feel when their children leave home?

sending you happy vibes.

wish i could come round and take your mind off things. heres a bar of dairy milk instead.

fancy a spot of babysitting? {smile}

just read my own post and it sounded a bit flippant. that is certainly not what i mean.
just remember - because you are such a good mum you have taught them to have the confidence to express their true feelings and be honest. they will be missing you too

No, it didn't sound flippant, I knew what you meant and thank you np

sm could you not trade your nice house in Islington for a smaller flat and spend the difference on a house in Colchester, so you could live in both places? I'm so sorry you are going through this it sounds like hell

FWIW I would probably try and get them to stick it out in London for a bit longer. Alternatively move to a quieter part of London - somewhere that is more similar in vibe to where they come from, even if that means moving out a bit.

Thanks for your thoughts CD. I rent my house, so that isn't an option unfortunately (I wish!). The children have already moved back to live with their dad. Perhaps I took that decision too hastily, I'm not sure. When I speak to the kids on the phone they tell me they miss me and love me but it's obvious they are feeling much happier there, I can hear it in their voices. I have a lot of thinking to do, but right now I'm not in a position to move anywhere.

I spent my teenage years (well quite a lot of them) living with my grandparents during the week and then going home for school holidays and weekends. It was my choice (I wanted to stay at a particular school 40 miles away from my parents house initially- but then 200 miles away- they moved to London - my school was in Devon- and would have had to leave otherwise). By 16 I decided I wanted to change schools anyway so went back home full time- by which time they'd moved back to being 40 miles away. It worked well for us and I have a very close relationship with my parents now (did in all that time as well). As they are going to live with their father (ie not being farmed out to non-family) I think it could work very well - providing you can see them a lot. Colchester and London aren't very far apart- people commute from colchester daily (I know a few people who do that). I'd hang on a while and see how it pans out tbh.