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Original poster

Children moving away. Should I stay or should I go?

107 replies

spacemonkey · 20/11/2004 18:03

It's complicated, but I'm really interested to know what people think about this situation.

I moved to London from Colchester (about 70 miles away) in the summer with my two children - ds is 11 and dd is 13. The plan was to home ed dd and for ds to go to a lovely school in London. Both kids were apprehensive at first, but excited too.

I should add here that their dad (separated 6 years ago) still lives in Colchester.

When we actually moved things went horribly pear shaped. Dd totally freaked - refused to go out and got horribly low, and even started self harming. Ds was a little star and tried to settle, but after three months his unhappiness was so evident I asked him if he would rather go back to his old school and live with his dad. Immediately he jumped at the opportunity, and started back at his old school last week. He genuinely seems really happy. I spent the whole week feeling gutted that I have lost my baby. His sister went with him to help him settle, but then on Friday she called me and asked if I would mind her returning to her old school too (this will involve xh lodging an appeal with the LEA because her school has said they have no space for her).

They're both back with me for the weekend. They want me to move back to Colchester, but I really don't want to go. I feel that if I stay in London and become a weekend mum I may be failing them. But if I go back to Colchester I will be miserable there. I have told them I will think about it.

If I had foreseen all of this, I doubt I would have moved at all tbh. But I have moved and I love it here and don't want to go back.

Opinions?

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Original poster
spacemonkey · 25/11/2004 17:02

Thanks for sharing your experience jimjams, I find that very reassuring. I suppose it will take a while to adjust to them not being with me. It all seems to have happened so quickly and unexpectedly. In many ways I think it will be good for them, and for their dad.

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Jimjams · 25/11/2004 17:45

It may well work out very well. I didn't ever make many friends in London (was only there are weekends etc) but because I was a teenager and it was London lots of schoolfriends wanted to come and stay at weekends. You may end up with weekends of lots of different teenagers I can see lots of flexibility in your situation so probably best just to continue to play by ear- and as your children know they would be welcome to move in with you any time they wanted to I'm sure it should work out well.

Dior · 25/11/2004 21:13

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Original poster
spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 14:35

What a lovely message, thank you dior

I assure you, it's gallows humour all the way

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Dior · 28/11/2004 20:37

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Original poster
spacemonkey · 29/11/2004 15:35

Update : DD has asked if she can come home. It was nice that she said "home"

OP posts:
nailpolish · 29/11/2004 15:45

oh sm thats lovely. fingers crossed she can have a fresh start

im not stalking by the way

Dior · 30/11/2004 20:23

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iota · 30/11/2004 21:17

SM - that's nice to hear - does it make you feel wanted again? And does she like dogs?

WideWebWitch · 01/12/2004 04:32

Oh spacemonkey, that's lovely to hear.

GRMUM · 01/12/2004 05:20

Spacemonkey that is really lovely. I have been thinking about your situation so often. I really believe that one of the signs of a caring parent is letting them 'go' at some stage, but it must be so hard to do.I really take my hat of to you for what you have done.
Are you still planning to HE? Is dd going to have the opportunity to meet others of her age ? I know she'll be able to have friends to stay but hope she'll also be able to build up a circle of friends in London too.
Great news!

marthamoo · 01/12/2004 07:02

SM, I didn't see any of this (been offline for a while). You poor thing - what a nightmare. What is it with children - that they can wrench our emotions more than anyone else? I don't know what the "answer" is - I'm not sure there even is one, but I think moving back to Colchester would make you deeply unhappy and that can't be good for your kids. I hope dd is back to stay - now you are not working you have the opportunity to spend lots of time with her and try and get to the root of her unhappiness. I'm sure ds misses you like crazy but that is offset against him being happy at his school in Colchester (how could they do without their star goalie?) You must feel such a void in your life without him around though - but you will have to make the most of him at weekends/holidays - I guess, in a way, it's like boarding school.

Children are adaptable - and it's not always possible to give them an "ideal" set up, sometimes you have to compromise. You will always be their Mum, nothing changes that - and you are doing your best, like we all do. I think Mums are expected to be ultimately self-sacrificing for their kids - and we are(!) - but how can moving back to Colchester at the risk of your happiness and sanity be good for anyone?

You are not a bad Mum, you are just doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. Good luck with dd - if anyone is well placed to understand teenage angst, it's you: she'll be OK. And good luck when you start trying to find a job - I always thought working in a bookshop would be a lovely thing to do. You have had such a hard time of it lately - remember, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger

SantaFio2 · 01/12/2004 07:04

glad she wants to come home sm

tigermoth · 01/12/2004 07:22

so pleased for you! That message from your dd must reinforce your reasons to stay put in London, for now at least. Do you think this moving away was on some level a sort of a boundary testing thing from your dd? perhaps not a conscious one on your dd's part, but perhaps she wanted to prove to herself that you were definite about making a home in london? Do you think she will let down her guard a bit now, and begin to explore the possiblities of living in london?

And do you think your ds will follow her, as he did before? if he finishes his primary school year in Colchester, he could move up over the summer holidays, ready to start a new secondary school in London in September.

Ps don't feel obliged to answer the above questions. I put question marks when I am not sure if what I'm saying makes sense

Original poster
spacemonkey · 01/12/2004 11:01

Thanks for all your messages

Actually I am very concerned about dd. She's still with her dad (they're supposed to be coming back to London on Friday), but she has started bombarding me with attention-seeking text messages. I had five from her this morning telling me she had had a "breakdown" in the night and had cut her arms again. I spoke to her dad this morning and he said that she hasn't cut her arms and is just looking for attention because they have had a couple of rows this week (over her defiant behaviour).

Unfortunately he is hopeless at dealing with teenage defiance. At the same time I don't think I can cope with it either at the moment.

I have spoken to dd and said that if she comes back to London the rules will be different - i.e. she will have to be willing to come out to places with me and not sit in the house all the time chatting to her friends on MSN (she will be allowed to do that, but only for a limited time each day).

On the plus side, ds is still very happy.

OP posts:
tigermoth · 02/12/2004 07:01

Hope Friday goes well, Spacemonkey.

PaRumPumPumScum · 02/12/2004 07:23

Me too. I've only just caught up with this and wanted to wish you the very best, spacemonkey. Hope dd responds to the new regime.

spacedonkey · 02/12/2004 11:31

EXCELLENT christmas name scummy!

Thanks for your good wishes X

spacedonkey · 04/12/2004 11:57

I picked the kids up last night to spend the weekend with me and am already completely stressed out with them. I can't seem to do anything to please them. I find myself wishing they'd go away again. Last night dd said she wanted to go to Portobello Road and I was delighted - but this morning she refused to get out of bed to go and ds whinged that he had to stay in and watch wrestling on the telly (even though I'm recording it for him!). He wants to go to St James Park, dd doesn't. Even the suggestion of going to the cinema or renting a DVD to watch is met with arguments and moaning. I feel like curling up in a dark cupboard somewhere.

tigermoth · 05/12/2004 10:05

snap! my 10 year old ds also whinged about staying in an watching wrestling on TV yesterday moring ( 10.00 to 12.00 am wasn't it?). Both boys regularly don't want to go to the same place or do the same things - or go out at all. I do a lot of shouting and dispair at their ungratefulness. Here I am, London is their oyster, I have my car and precious money at the ready, never a thought about what I want to do on a Saturday...

OK I do not have teenagers, but I tend to make executive decisions all the time. If my sons cannot sort out what they want to do I tell them. Ignore all whinging,(expect nasty shouty scenes to follow), propel them out of the house, and without fail, 30 minutes later, all is calmer. It's like the nike ad - just do it. Usually on our trips out, one son will like some aspect more than others. I try to balance it out but I also keep overriding their stated likes and dislikes,(still give them choices when they are being reasonable) just to keep my sanity. So often they find things they realy like to do, they go to places they thought would be boring and find they are not, little unexpected things happen that make their day. But honestly if I did not propel them out of the front door (I have been known to physically shove them out as they reluctantly leave the house) they wouldn't have done half the things they later rave about.

I don't know how you cope with a teenager refusing to get out of bed. Any good giving her two going out choices - portobello or cinema for instance, then if she can't pick, making the choice for her?

London is full of stuff to do, I get that stress of no one being able to choose all the time. Hope you have a better Sunday.

midnightmass · 05/12/2004 10:12

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spacedonkey · 05/12/2004 11:33

Yes, you're right. A lot of the problems I have with the kids are down to my lack of authority, I am only too well aware of this. You can get away with being a big softie when they're younger, but once they hit 11 and over you start paying the price. It's my biggest failing as a parent. We ended up staying in all day yesterday - I had planned to take ds to St James Park to see the xmas lights but once I'd cooked dinner it was getting a bit late and no-one felt like going out in the cold. I feel shit that we haven't done anything this weekend, although dp did point out that perhaps they're happy just to hang out at home with me because they go out lots in the week. Next time I will plan something in advance and make sure we do it though because I feel it's a weekend wasted.

spacedonkey · 14/01/2005 13:15

Just thought I'd post an update. Both dd and ds are still living with their dad - ds is really happy back at his old school, just got into the school footy team and came top of his class in this week's spelling test. DD has just heard today that her old school has a place for her and she'll be starting back there next Monday - she sounds delighted. So it looks like I'm going to be a weekend mum for the foreseeable future. I miss them terribly, but am starting to get to grips with it now. It's a very weird feeling to find yourself at 36 years old, suddenly on your own, having never been in that situation in your entire adult life!

essbee · 14/01/2005 13:17

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nailpolish · 14/01/2005 13:22

SD thats good news. you sound calmer now, and less worried. as someone said before, they will really enjoy coming to visit mum in london itll be exciting. and i dont think you will have to think up interesting things to do every weekend, just have a laugh and be with each other.

can you go and visit them on occasions? is there anywhere you can stay for the weekend to be near them or will they be coming to yours?