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Original poster

Children moving away. Should I stay or should I go?

107 replies

spacemonkey · 20/11/2004 18:03

It's complicated, but I'm really interested to know what people think about this situation.

I moved to London from Colchester (about 70 miles away) in the summer with my two children - ds is 11 and dd is 13. The plan was to home ed dd and for ds to go to a lovely school in London. Both kids were apprehensive at first, but excited too.

I should add here that their dad (separated 6 years ago) still lives in Colchester.

When we actually moved things went horribly pear shaped. Dd totally freaked - refused to go out and got horribly low, and even started self harming. Ds was a little star and tried to settle, but after three months his unhappiness was so evident I asked him if he would rather go back to his old school and live with his dad. Immediately he jumped at the opportunity, and started back at his old school last week. He genuinely seems really happy. I spent the whole week feeling gutted that I have lost my baby. His sister went with him to help him settle, but then on Friday she called me and asked if I would mind her returning to her old school too (this will involve xh lodging an appeal with the LEA because her school has said they have no space for her).

They're both back with me for the weekend. They want me to move back to Colchester, but I really don't want to go. I feel that if I stay in London and become a weekend mum I may be failing them. But if I go back to Colchester I will be miserable there. I have told them I will think about it.

If I had foreseen all of this, I doubt I would have moved at all tbh. But I have moved and I love it here and don't want to go back.

Opinions?

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vict17 · 20/11/2004 18:52

could you sit down with your ex-partner and really thrash out together what you both think would be best at all?

iota · 20/11/2004 18:53

SM do you have to make the decision soon? Can't you see how things go and if staying in London becomes miserable without the children, have another think then?

Original poster

spacemonkey · 20/11/2004 18:53

We have spoken about it in some depth. Originally just ds was going to go back and dd was going to stay with me, but I know xh was unhappy about separating the children and wanted them both to live with him.

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Original poster

spacemonkey · 20/11/2004 18:54

iota that is probably what I will do - give it 6 months and see how we all feel.

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beetroot · 20/11/2004 18:54

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iota · 20/11/2004 18:55

sm - good plan

iota · 20/11/2004 18:56

sm - just a thought - lots of kids are at boarding school at your kids age, so don't feel too bad about them not seeing you daily

JJ · 20/11/2004 18:58

I don't think I could live apart from my boys, but I know I couldn't live somewhere that's not right for me again. And I agree with people: 3 months was prime culture shock/homesickness time for me when we first moved to London.

It sounds like they will do well with their dad and you obviously trust him and, you're right, it does sound like a good opportunity for them to really get to know him.

I don't think I'd make them stay with you, either. They're old enough to make some decisions on their own.

Nothing you decide will be easy. Hope the decision comes with some peace.

hunkermunker · 20/11/2004 18:58

SM, I've since realised I was thinking from the POV of not having DS living with me. Since he is seven months old, I am not necessarily giving you the most helpful advice...!

I'd also not realised it had only been four months - have you talked to the children about why they're so unhappy in London? Is it because they've left friends behind and not made new ones? Can you say you'll have friends up to stay with you at weekends?

I think that it'll all change in the future and you'll be cool Mum for living in London. If your XH is enthusiastic about having them and you're happy with the situation (and would be unhappy if you moved back), then see how it goes. Don't do anything hastily and it might all change again in a couple of months.

HTH a bit more than my last based-on-a-seven-month-old-baby post!!

Original poster

spacemonkey · 20/11/2004 18:58

It really is a tricky one. Part of me feels wretched about it, as if I have lost my children, part of me feels a sense of - gulp, dare I say this - liberation at the thought of being able to do my own thing.

OP posts:

Slinky · 20/11/2004 19:00

Spacemonkey

No advice I'm afraid as I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through - just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear that things haven't worked out as planned

It only seems like yesterday when we were discussing the "highlights??!!" of Colchester

{{{hugs}}}

hunkermunker · 20/11/2004 19:01

Hell, yes, admit to liberation! I shall admit to a smidgen of envy too

fairydust · 20/11/2004 19:13

spacemonkey

what a hard one - as you already agree the most important thing is that your kids are happy and if you moving back in colcester is going to make you unhappy then surely that's bound to make the kids unhappy which could then lead to the kids not wanting to be with you at all.

I'm not saying that it's an easy decision i for one couldn't do but mine is only little which i think makes a huge difference in all of this as the old enough to understand what they n you want.

I wish you the best of luck on this
xx

tamum · 20/11/2004 19:37

I really feel for you too. Must be really awful. I wonder (at the risk of sounding trite) whether it's worth imagining yourself in 5 years' time? What would make you feel the most regret do you think? If you move back would you be thinking god I wish I hadn't missed out on these 5 years when I could have been in London; if you stay will you be thinking I missed out on the last 5 years with my children; I can never get that back?

I realise in typing this it could easily sound snide, like I'd already judged the answer but I haven't, honestly, I'm just trying to think from that point of view.

lou33 · 20/11/2004 19:38

I think you eould have a breakdown if you went back sm, if you want my honest opinion. I also think it will do the kids and your xh some good spending a good period of time with each other. You have had a whole load of stress and shit recently, not helped by the teenage hormones abounding in the kids, and you should use the next few months to get yourself stronger, and sort out where you want to go from there. Give it 6 months and if things are not going to plan then reconsider moving then, but for now I think you should stay put.

turquoise · 20/11/2004 19:59

I don't think you should rush into anything sm. It's good that they have the choice, and can go back for a while to see how that works out. Are you working? Will it be easy for you to get to Colchester to spend time with them? Because once they're back into their social lives there, I suppose it's going to be hard for them to take every weekend in London.
But I bet as they get older they're going to want to spend more time in London, and will be very glad that you're there.
I'm in a similar position myself, living where I don't want to be and I think that your children are of the age where it's not such an issue, if you think you can cope without seeing them on a day to day basis.
But my main point is - give it some time. You are putting them first by letting them go, the rest will work itself out.

Nutcracker · 20/11/2004 20:57

TBH SM if your children were younger then i would say that you should go back too, but as they are that bit older i think you really need to be honest with yourself and workout how happy or unhappy it wouold make you.

If you stay in London, yes you will be away from your kids BUT you will be happy, where you want to be and by your family. If you are happy then that in turn will make your kids happy.

If you move back, you will not be happy and although i'm sure your kids would be delighted at first, i'm sure they would hate to be in a position where they thought they had made you unhappy by making you move back.

I know it must be very hard for you, not having your kids there, but i think you are an absolute star for letting them make their own desicion about this, and supporting them.
I chose to live with my dad when my parents got divorced and unfortunatly my mom made the whole thing very hard for me and made me feel incredibly guilty, and so i have always sworn to myself that if the my kids were ever in that position that i would agree with whatever made them happy.

Hope that was of some help, sounded like a whole load of waffle to me

Nutcracker · 20/11/2004 20:58

Basically i think you should stay put

yingers74 · 20/11/2004 21:04

hello, hard decision to make. Is there any chance of moving halfway between london and colchester?

serenequeen · 20/11/2004 21:30

ooh lordy, sm, what a difficult situation. if you were posting this before you decided to let the kids go back i would have said 3m is just not long enough to settle down, keep them with you by whatever legal means at your disposal! lock them up if necessary!

have to say that now, imvho, by letting them go back you have crossed the rubicon...

my honest opinion? you should go back and then look at options to move back to london yourself when they are 18. sorry

serenequeen · 20/11/2004 21:31

i mean you will never get this time back with them, they need you and they will be a long time gone and grown up. sorry again

MummyToSteven · 20/11/2004 21:35

oh sm sounds like such a difficult situation. i think i probably with iota and other posters that it would be good to give yourself a six month "breathing space" - to see if your children are really happy back in Colchester/living with your dad, and to think through what you want to do. you have sounded a bit down recently, and I think that some time out to yourself might do you the world of good.

Original poster

spacemonkey · 20/11/2004 21:38

thanks again for all your opinions, I really appreciate the fact that you're bothering to give it so much thought and it is really helpful to hear what you all think

you're right sq, i have crossed the rubicon already really, and I know that I will stay here for at least the next six months and see how it goes. I know that they are nearly grown up now, and that in a very few years time I will have the freedom to do what I want. I didn't plan this, and my admission to a sense of liberation is something of a surprise to me. I also feel lost, and strange, and a bit useless - being a mother is the most important thing I've ever done or ever will do, my job means nothing to me in comparison.

Lots to think about!

OP posts:

Original poster

spacemonkey · 20/11/2004 21:43

A lot of other stuff has happened this year - I've given up on my "career" and at the moment I'm not working at all, but when I do I'm planning on working in a bookshop or something like that because I'm burned out with all the pressure of a "proper" career-type job. I made contact with my dad after more than 30 years of silence, and now have lost contact with him again (my choice). Relationships have ended and a new one has started. Everything has turned upside down in fact. I'm not looking for sympathy - it's a good thing that all this has happened, I needed to change, and along with the shit good things have happened this year. And this whole situation with the children holds opportunity within it as well as heartbreak.

OP posts:

serenequeen · 20/11/2004 22:31

good luck with your decision, it must be very tough.

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