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Original poster

help me with DH - HUGE row last night about DS1 going for a wee in the night.

67 replies

JingleyJen · 05/01/2008 22:14

So please help me find a way of Dh seeing that not everything is about point scoring with DS1.

Last night we had a big problem at 1.50am when DS1 got up to have a wee. He started to go into our ensuite. DH asked him why he was going into the ensuite and not the family bathroom DS1 didn't answer but carried on going towards the ensuite.
Dh got really cross really quickly got out of bed and picked up DS1 and carried him into the family bathroom which made DS1 cry and then scream (which woke up DS2) so Dh got even more cross with him shouting and telling him to stop crying and to "just have a wee and go back to bed".
I couldn't cope with it so got out of bed and told Dh to go and sort out DS2 as he had woken him up not DS1 and I stayed with DS1 to try to calm him down enough so that he could have a wee.
Stomping and grumbling Dh walked into DS2's room and firmly told him to go back to sleep (DS2 is 15 months old) then Dh went back to bed.

Meanwhile DS1 went for a wee and I took him back to bed - it took me nearly an hour of stroking his back to get him to stop crying so he could fall asleep.
DS2 didn't settle until 2.5 hours later with Dh popping in to tell him to go to sleep.

Anyway - (sorry for the mamouth length of the post ) so today I said to Dh that we needed to talk about what happened last night. He feels that if he had let DS1 have a wee in the ensuite then DS1 would have got "his own way again" - I tried to explain that in some instances it isn't about getting his own way it is about it being the middle of the night and instead of wetting the bed he made his way to the toilet (does it matter which toilet?)

So in a calm conversation Dh explained that in almost all instances DS1 says one thing - Dh says another and it is Dh who is expected to back down or change his expectations.
I don't actually believe this is always the case but DS1 is nearly 4 and Dh has very high expectations of him and sometimes I believe unrealistic expectations of a 4 year old.

So the point of my post - How do I help Dh realise that it isn't always about point scoring / and that if he readjusted his expectations then he wouldn't feel this way.

HELP!! this seems to be the thing that causes the most tension in the house. They rutt like stags!! (not physically!)

OP posts:

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Maidamess · 05/01/2008 22:17

Can you tell dh he needs to choose his battles a little more wisely? His son is only 4!! He sounds like a bit of a control freak, sorry.

karen999 · 05/01/2008 22:18

Oh poor you - you sound like you had a terrible night. Feel for you - what does it matter where your son wees?

Tell your dh that he should be thankful that he has two lovely children and that its not about point scoring etc..and in the end he was the one that disrupted the whole household unlike your son who was just trying to go to the toilet.

Hope you have a better night tonight..x

fingerwoman · 05/01/2008 22:19

oh dear, your DH seems a bit unreasonable. what's the problem wih him using the toilet in your en suite??? how bizarre.

anyway, maybe you just need to remind him to pick his battles.
when he sees ds doing something he doesn't want him to do he needs to think about whether it is really worth having a strop over, or whether it would be better to let it go. I mean, who wants an upset 4 yr old in the middl eof the night?

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pooka · 05/01/2008 22:19

Well from the sounds of it, your ds was barely awake. Absolutely ridiculous to prevent him peeing in your bathroom.
He was probably pretty scared at being fully woken at that time of night.
Actually, am really cross. Ask your dh to see how he'd feel being shouted at at that time of night when you're barely awake and all you want is a quick pee and then to climb back into cosy bed.
Tell him to grow up and stop acting like a petulant boy, point scoring.

moljam · 05/01/2008 22:19

tell him if ds gets all worried about getting up and where he can/cant wee in night he might start wetting bed again.then he can clean sheets.its a tiolet!!!!

colditz · 05/01/2008 22:22

He is expected to back down and change his expectations because he is bullying a 3 year old boy, not negotiating with a 30 year old merchant banker.

What a truly disgusting way to treat a frightened little boy.

I say WELL DONE to a little boy who made it to the toilet.

PS don't be surprised if your little boy starts wetting the bed now. Children who are shouted at for going to the toilet become strangely averse to it

bookwormmum · 05/01/2008 22:22

Your dh probably wants to set the boundaries to your ds1 so he can get some privacy but the middle of the night isn't the time to start. 4 is also a little young to be fussy what toilet they use and when.

FrannyandZooey · 05/01/2008 22:22

oh dear

insisting on having things your own way all the time with a 4 y o is doomed to end in nasty battles and an unpleasant atmosphere all round

i speak as someone who REALLY likes my own way btw

dh needs to get a different perspective on this - compromising with ds will teach him that people try to get along with each other and that it isn't necessary to always fight to get your own way. The more dh can do this, the more likely ds is to learn this skill early on as well

pooka · 05/01/2008 22:23

Oh crikey yes. There are worse worse things.
My older brother used to sleep pee. So would get up, walk into a room (that he thought was the bathroom) and pee on what he thought was the loo. Usually lamps, furniture and stuff. When fully asleep.
He grew out of it and then when my grandfather died he was obviously upset (aged about 21) and came into my room, peed on my bookcase and then got into my bed. He was so upset when he woke up (as was I, because had been fully awake from the moment he stumbled into my room ).

bookwormmum · 05/01/2008 22:25

oh dear Pooka .

crokky · 05/01/2008 22:28

What strange behaviour by your DH. It does not matter which toilet a 4 year old goes to in the middle of the night. It'll make DS1 see his dad as a nasty person to be scared of, rather than a person he can go to if he is frightened.

Heated · 05/01/2008 22:30

Your little boy is doing extremely well to get himself up at night and make it to the bathroom without having an accident. We still take ds (3.5 yrs) to the toilet at 11pm to ensure he makes it through the night and he virtually sleep wees!

I think it's fine to ask your ds to use his bathroom in the day but at night he may well still want your reassurance (especially in a dark and silent house) & of course may well want tucking up again. Your dh needs to try and empathise with a 4 yr old boy for a minute or two and actually recognise what a good boy he is.

TracyK · 05/01/2008 22:31

Sounds like your dh has been bottling up his feelings of resentment towards ds - and it just boiled over - over a little thing. My dh can be the same. Am having the same battle at the mo. ds (almost 4) likes to fall asleep with me in our new attic conversion bed, then dh carries him down to his own bedroom on the ground floor when we're going to bed.
Its a bit of a palaver - but - I think - it gets ds off to sleep really quickly with no tantrums and he's quite happy to get moved. But dh (esp. after a visit to his mums) starts saying that we should make him go to sleep in his own room from the word go.
But,like your dh - he thinks he's 'letting ds get his own way'.

Original poster

JingleyJen · 05/01/2008 22:34

I did try to explain at the time and this morning that the most important thing to remember is that we have a fabulous little boy who needs to go to the loo and he isn't waiting until it is too late to do something about it.

I love him to pieces but we differ alot about parenting things... and when DS1 asks me questions all the time even though dh is standing next to him it is obvious to me that he is asking me because I am receptive to the questions whereas Dh is less receptive. If you know what I mean.

OMG this is turing into a rant about Dh in general and I don't mean it to be I just need practical ways of helping him to see that it is his behaviour that could be modified as we are in a loosing battle if we are expecting DS1 to do everything exactly the way Dh would like it.

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleyJen · 05/01/2008 22:47

Oh meant to add Pooka - my best friend had a relationship with a chap at University who Pissed up her wall one night as he thought he had got as far as the toilet he was very very embarrassed and she agreed not to tell anyone - and promptly came and woke me up and told me - your post reminded me of young and single days...

Hmm after a night like last night I shou;dn't linger on those thoughts too long - may become tempting!

OP posts:

TracyK · 05/01/2008 22:48

Its really difficult isn't it. ds does the same - he'll come to me 99% of the time for anything and refuses to let dh help or do anything for him.
I guess it must just be 2 lots of testosterone locking horns. But I think some little boys just love their mummies! I'm sure if it was a little girl - they'd be allover the dh's like a rash.

pooka · 05/01/2008 23:39

See with hindsight I would have been more understanding with my db, but I was bloody livid when he peed on all my books and him getting into my bed was the icing on the cake! It was opnly when I realised later that he was sleepwalking that I felt guilty for having given him a rude awakening (as he did me ).

soapbox · 05/01/2008 23:45

How can you love someone who behaves like this towards a small almost asleep child?

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 05/01/2008 23:51

Tell you Darling Child the next time he is caught short, he should just play "Hunt the Bully"... and when he finds one he should wee....that should narrow the field.

Ignorant bullying bastard.

itsahardknocklife · 05/01/2008 23:55

I don't see that it matters which loo your DS used - he must have been half-asleep and was thinking about just weeing rather than which loo to wee in!
Just out of interest, though, is your en-suite loo nearer than the bathroom for your DS to use?
When I was little I used to sleepwalk to the loo. It was harmless and I always got the right room - apart from once when I was 8 and mum found me trying to unlock the front door to go for a wee outside!

oregonianabroad · 05/01/2008 23:56

I can thoroughly recommend this book.

I don't think it's a masculine issue, many parents (myself included) sometimes have unreaslistic expectations of their children.

Keep talking to your dh.

lazarou · 06/01/2008 00:00

Agree with Brie

Original poster

JingleyJen · 06/01/2008 00:01

Because Soapbox he is a really lovely man - He has never had to share anything in his life - and he is having to share everything now. He finds it hard that DS's go into the loo whilst he is having a wee, he finds being a dad hard in so many ways.

We went on a parenting course last year and the course leader asked us to pick a word that most summed up how we felt about parenting, the ladies on the course chose love and joy and things like that and the dads chose frustration and disappointment and words like that. I did find it helpful and so did Dh mostly as we realised that we weren't the only couple with these issues (although we do have problems they were not as bad as some of the others on the course)

OP posts:

lazarou · 06/01/2008 00:01

and soapbox

colditz · 06/01/2008 00:03

"frustration and disappointment"

My God.

Men really are selfish cunts, aren't they. It's not just a feminist myth.

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