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Parenting

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Original poster

help me with DH - HUGE row last night about DS1 going for a wee in the night.

67 replies

JingleyJen · 05/01/2008 22:14

So please help me find a way of Dh seeing that not everything is about point scoring with DS1.

Last night we had a big problem at 1.50am when DS1 got up to have a wee. He started to go into our ensuite. DH asked him why he was going into the ensuite and not the family bathroom DS1 didn't answer but carried on going towards the ensuite.
Dh got really cross really quickly got out of bed and picked up DS1 and carried him into the family bathroom which made DS1 cry and then scream (which woke up DS2) so Dh got even more cross with him shouting and telling him to stop crying and to "just have a wee and go back to bed".
I couldn't cope with it so got out of bed and told Dh to go and sort out DS2 as he had woken him up not DS1 and I stayed with DS1 to try to calm him down enough so that he could have a wee.
Stomping and grumbling Dh walked into DS2's room and firmly told him to go back to sleep (DS2 is 15 months old) then Dh went back to bed.

Meanwhile DS1 went for a wee and I took him back to bed - it took me nearly an hour of stroking his back to get him to stop crying so he could fall asleep.
DS2 didn't settle until 2.5 hours later with Dh popping in to tell him to go to sleep.

Anyway - (sorry for the mamouth length of the post ) so today I said to Dh that we needed to talk about what happened last night. He feels that if he had let DS1 have a wee in the ensuite then DS1 would have got "his own way again" - I tried to explain that in some instances it isn't about getting his own way it is about it being the middle of the night and instead of wetting the bed he made his way to the toilet (does it matter which toilet?)

So in a calm conversation Dh explained that in almost all instances DS1 says one thing - Dh says another and it is Dh who is expected to back down or change his expectations.
I don't actually believe this is always the case but DS1 is nearly 4 and Dh has very high expectations of him and sometimes I believe unrealistic expectations of a 4 year old.

So the point of my post - How do I help Dh realise that it isn't always about point scoring / and that if he readjusted his expectations then he wouldn't feel this way.

HELP!! this seems to be the thing that causes the most tension in the house. They rutt like stags!! (not physically!)

OP posts:

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soapbox · 06/01/2008 00:03

You are speaking as though he is another 4 year old child who is a bit tetchy about sharing his dearest mummy.

He is, I presume, a grown man who ought to behave a darn sight better than he is doing. If you want to make excuses for the inexcusable then go ahead, but I just could not live with someone who treated my child in such a way.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 06/01/2008 00:03

Oh he has done a parenting course, a pound to a penny, he thinks he has an ology......

Easywriter · 06/01/2008 00:06

not very helpful for jingly though is it lazarou and brie?

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Original poster

JingleyJen · 06/01/2008 00:07

to be honest I posted this to try to get some practical ways of helping Dh - I have no intention of ending a generally happy marriage to a mostly fabulous man.

I am not and have not at any time said his reaction was acceptable nor am I making excuses for him.

Thanks for the help

OP posts:

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 06/01/2008 00:09

Just ran the scenario past my DH ....

His reply was, if he could get himself out of bed and have a wee, I would not care which toilet he used.

He then added... unaided......I guess he will be wetting the bed next week, got to be easier than being bullied in the middle of the night.

And then.... most unlike him he said... I hope he ends up in a home, dependent on others for a wee. He is so angry on your 4 year olds behalf.

My DH is Mr Laidback....

soapbox · 06/01/2008 00:11

But there are no practical ways of helping are there - we are hardly going to suggest building an ensuite loo in your DS's room are we?

The only real way of helping your DH is to have a sweeping change in his attitude to bringing up his children. That means, a zero tolerance from you of bullying behaviour. If you don;t see it as a problem or can excuse it away, then why would he bother to change? He needs to understand that his frustration and disappointment at being a father makes him look like a prize twat! He needs to get with real life and quick, if he is not going to damage your boys. Is that what you want - are you prepared to stand by and watch it happen?

Easywriter · 06/01/2008 00:12

I don't think anyone is suggesting his behaviour is ok.

Jingly is looking for advice on how to get through to her dh and make him understand and modify his behaviour.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 06/01/2008 00:12

Practical help

No 1. The 4 year old is the child.

No 2 Your DH is the adult.

That is a really good starting point IMO.

Easywriter · 06/01/2008 00:12

x posts soapbox

Easywriter · 06/01/2008 00:14

Now i agree with brie.

That's what your dh needs to understand. Everything else will come from that.

pooka · 06/01/2008 00:14

I've thought about practical advice but I am afraid that what it boils down to is your husband having to be aware that a response such as his, in the middle of the night, to your ds is wrong.
Your ds is 4, sleepy, needed a wee, prob didn't even think about where apart from a loo. Should be congratulated for getting himself up to go. The use of the en-suite being the trigger for your dh makes it sound like he has a territorial issue. Which should be curbed IMO.
I would have been livid. Beyond livid with dh if he did this.

Tinker · 06/01/2008 00:16

Blimey, I think a lot of women could say "frustration and disappointment" as well on a parenting course. It doesn't mean you're a terrible person.

Sounds like a horrible night for everyone Jingly.

Original poster

JingleyJen · 06/01/2008 00:18

Thanks for your help - am going to bed now.

Am thinking about showing this thread to Dh tomorrow so he can see that it isn't only me who thinks that his behaviour is unreasonable..

As for the practical help - I don't know how many times I am going to have to remind him that DS1 is the child and he is supposed to be the adult in the relationship!

Night all.

OP posts:

soapbox · 06/01/2008 00:20

Tinker - you might think it, possibly even say it, but most parents would not act towards their child in a way which made it crystal clear that was how they felt.

Jingly, I hope you sleep well and have a constructive conversation with DH tomorrow

Tortington · 06/01/2008 00:20

he is 4

he is.....4

he is...........4

does it REALLY matter whether he pisses in your bathroom or a bucket in the middle of the night>?

i mean really the kid should be fucking wella pplauded for not pissing himself and actually recognising that he needs to get up and wee

your dh needs to grow up

the kid is 4 ffs it doesn't require a battle of wills a parent requires patience

does he feel big and hard and manly now he made a small FOUR year old boy sob becuase daddy shouted?

tell him he's been a prick - and that he should pick his battles.

if he wants to teach your ds not to piss in your en suit then sometime during the night isnt the time to do it - its during the day. with a "you used our toilet last night, can you please remember to use your own" is sufficient. jesus

Cashncarry · 06/01/2008 00:22

JinglyJen - I can see that you're really struggling with this Obviously you agree with the posters who've said it's unacceptable behaviour from your DH otherwise you wouldn't be posting.

Pooka's right - it's a non-starter if your DH won't first admit that he did anything wrong. You say you went on a parenting course last year. That's good because it shows your DH is at least willing to address the issues you have.

Is there a counsellor or professional from that course (or possibly who referred you to that course) who you could ask to have a word with your DH? Possibly the two of you could see that person together so you could have the opportunity to talk about those parenting issues that you have disputes on?

If not, maybe Relate would be an option for you? It definitely needs addressing, especially if you feel the marriage has a great deal worth saving.

I wish you luck but perhaps in the meantime, how will you cope with the incident if it re-occurs? even if your DH disagrees with you, would he be willing to handle it your way until such time as he speaks to a professional about it?

Tinker · 06/01/2008 00:23

To me it reads as a man who has lost his temper, wrongly, in the middle of the night and handled it badly. I know I've done that.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/01/2008 00:27

Agree with brie and soapbox.

i dont think there is any practical advice to give.

He's being controlling and in the most ridiculous manner.

He needs to know that:

He is the adult.
Life is too short.
That he needs learn to view situations as a whole, and not focus in trivialities ie your 4 year old got up on his own to go to the loo - thats fantastic - not - he is using the wrong farking toilet.
He leads by example.

lazarou · 06/01/2008 00:27

But Tinker, that's the difference, you acknowledge that it's wrong but the ops dh thinks it is perfectly reasonable.

Parenting classes my arse.

Elizabetth · 06/01/2008 00:31

Ask your DH what would be wrong in your DS "getting his own way" with this and what he thinks it would cost him (your DH) if your DS does. He's acting as if he thinks he's going to lose something if your DS is allowed to wee in your ensuite sometimes at night which I agree with whoever said he's probably using for the security of seeing his mummy and daddy there in the middle of the dark night.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/01/2008 00:33

oh yes, agree Elizabetth. Good point.

Tinker · 06/01/2008 00:35

That's good practical advice from Elizabetth

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 06/01/2008 00:39

As ever agree with Custy.

pooka · 06/01/2008 00:39

Agree with Elizabethh. Completely.

I try to remind myself that doing things that dd wants, or letting dd do things in her way does not mean that I am "letting her get away with it" or spoiling her, or setting myself up for a future of always giving in or backing down.

Also, as has previously been said, trying to make a point at silly o'clock is a complete non-starter. If having the en-suite unsullied by children using it is that important (I don't think it is) then by all means discuss it in daylight with an awake and unconfused child.

colditz · 06/01/2008 00:49

i find that people who expect too much of small children often justify it (and believe it themselves) with "But he's got to learn Y! We've got to teach him X! There's no point letting him think Z!"

To which I say to them

Why? What will happen if he pees in the ensuite? Really? Will civilisation as we know it come crashing down? Is the ensuite cunningly fashioned from paper and fairy dust? Will you melt if you get woken by the sound of a preschool child urinating in the night? Do you have any explanation for your seemingly completely irrational explosion?

Or are you just being bullish, narrowminded and spiteful?

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