Desperate for a baby but stressed that we can’t afford it

[Pondz]

Hey everyone, so this might be a question that is posted regularly on here, I’m not sure, but I would like to explain my situation and ask for some advice from people in similar situations.

I have been desperate for a baby for the past 3 and a half years, but due to living with parents and not having a decent enough income etc we have waited. Me and my partner now live together and I am going to turn 29 in a few months. We have decided that we are ready now and agreed to start trying next year.

I have looked into costs and everything and think we could manage… apart from the cost of childcare! I bring in £1,300 a month and my partner brings in £2,000 a month. The cost of putting a child in childcare looks to be around £900-£1000 and I have been really heartbroken to realise that we may not physically have the money for that.

For context, we live in Manchester and these are our bills:
Mortgage: £650
Council tax: £150
Gas and electric: £160
Water: £50
Wifi: £18
Home insurance: £20
Life insurance: £50
Credit card: minimum £30
Car insurance: £150
Car loan: £200
Pet insurance: £70 (dog is 11 years old that’s why it’s so high now)
Phone bills combined: £70
I don’t drive so my commute expenses: £80

So that comes to just under £1,700 then we also have a shared Spotify, Amazon prime (that’s all we use for tv) and food shopping which is roughly an extra £250 so £1,950

That leaves us with £1,350 left for the month which is brill. But then if we spend £1000 of that on childcare that only gives us £350 left for the whole month. I based those bills off what we spend now, when we have a baby of course those will get higher because we will need nappies, baby clothes, baby food etc. Is £350 going to be enough, because also there’s all those little things that you forget about like hair cuts and dentist visits and what if the car breaks? Spending £1000 on childcare means we don’t have enough money to put any away into savings for emergencies

Based on your own experience, would we manage on this? Does anyone have similar income to outgoings that could offer your experience and advice?

Also get married, for financial security.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn't spent so much on a big wedding day with lots of guests. That money would've paid for a year or 2 of childcare. Would have saved us so much 😭

Now I might be lucky and/or have worked really hard but between 29 and 34 (when I had my first baby) our household income had almost doubled. My advice is enjoy the last of your youth! You might really want a baby but in any case it could be a long, hard road. You have so many lovely milestones to go! Do up your house, pay off your credit card, get married, have a lovely wedding (big or small), save up, take a couple of holidays/breaks if you can etc. If you are lucky, life is long and having kids is amazing but it’s not easy and it’s not everything. Once you have kids your life completely changes in so many ways so please, please don’t think that you’re missing out yet. I was in your position and I am so glad now that I didn’t skip those few years, I’m 37 with two lovely happy little ones and I would recommend trying to enjoy everything life has to offer and not focusing on a baby right now. If you’re not financially comfortable, the hard reality is that you’re placing additional strain onto an already very stressful situation once a baby arrives. My DH is 4 years younger than me and that was also very important in our decision to go with the flow and not rush into having a family, we wanted to have done everything ‘properly’ and our family is now a very different, sometimes challenging but wonderful new chapter to our twenties. Best of luck in whatever you choose, you only get one life xx

@Gigi606 this is a lovely message, thank you so much for taking the time to write it. It got me a bit choked up actually.

I know that you are right. It’s the mindset that I’ve tried to have over the past few years because I have been feeling this intense desire for about 3 and a half years now. It’s so hard when you want something so much and know you have to wait. It’s torture. It’s to the point where I don’t care about other things, I don’t care about holidays or how nice the house is (my partner does care about these things so I am trying to be fair to him and he is also 4 years younger than me). I think about it every single day and I have endometriosis so I know that conceiving could be very difficult for me so I don’t want to wait until it’s too late.

Again, thank you for your message it’s put a smile on my face to hear that you have such a wonderful little family and I hope I can have that one day

If you would be under that much financial pressure I'd say wait a bit longer and save up. I know how hard it is, I've been with my husband since we were 17 and I've been intensely broody for as long as I can remember. We waited until we were 31 to have a baby, and like you say it was almost like torture waiting all those years to have the baby we so desperately wanted, but I was determined to wait until we had well established careers, plenty of savings, a family home and family car. We now have a 5 month old baby girl who is the absolute love of our lives and I cannot tell you how glad I am that we waited. We are in a position to give her the life we want to give her and can enjoy her without the constant worry of how we are going to afford to live. No doubt if you go for it asap you will find a way to cope, but if you are able to I'd advise waiting until you are in a position where you are not having to just cope but can thrive as a new little family.

@Pondz

Wow there’s some hard truths in here about marriage! I really appreciate it. For myself, I would be very happy going to a registry and doing it that way but I have suggested it to my partner in the past and he was very disappointed as he wants a big grand day. I will have to have a serious chat with him

This is a red flag that so many women get conned by. Saying he wants a big day is just an excuse to not get married. Most men absolutely do not want to spend a fortune on a wedding day and couldn't give two hoots about colour schemes and party favours.

If he wants to marry you he will. If he gives 'reasons' why you should not marry it's because he just doesn't want to.

Beware of that OP as marriage is extremely important for your financial security once you have a child. I would make that your number 1 priority and focus on the legal protections a small ceremony will give you, rather than saving and saving for a party you will never have.

Also, buy what you can second hand. The only things babies really need new are a cot mattress and a car seat, everything else, charity shops, local FB groups, freecycle etc are your friend. I have two DC (boys) - with the first, I bought pretty much everything new. Now wish I hadn't bothered and actually, I just get loads of hand me down clothes from a good friend which is great as does for 2 boys. You don't need a brand new pram/buggy, buy second hand. Babies can be really cheap if you do this way.

It is the childcare costs which get you. We are offshore so we only get a few free hours the year before pre-school and nothing else. Both DC are in Mon & Wed 8-6, DC1 in Tues 9-3 and Fri 8-2 and it's 1767 a month(!) and that doesn't include any food or nappies etc.

In UK you do get some free hours from age 2 I think and then 30 free hours from age 3 - so if you save save save now you should be able to afford it until your 30 free hours. I would take what you will need to live on when baby comes and start trying to live on it now (and put the rest away), if you get into a budget mode and test the water then not only should you be comforted by the fact you'll be able to cope, but you won't have so much of a shock when baby comes.

Also remember you'll go out MUCH less when baby here too so that is a saving right there. And you won't be drinking whilst pregnant so saves on booze!

@Gigi606

Now I might be lucky and/or have worked really hard but between 29 and 34 (when I had my first baby) our household income had almost doubled. My advice is enjoy the last of your youth! You might really want a baby but in any case it could be a long, hard road. You have so many lovely milestones to go! Do up your house, pay off your credit card, get married, have a lovely wedding (big or small), save up, take a couple of holidays/breaks if you can etc. If you are lucky, life is long and having kids is amazing but it’s not easy and it’s not everything. Once you have kids your life completely changes in so many ways so please, please don’t think that you’re missing out yet. I was in your position and I am so glad now that I didn’t skip those few years, I’m 37 with two lovely happy little ones and I would recommend trying to enjoy everything life has to offer and not focusing on a baby right now. If you’re not financially comfortable, the hard reality is that you’re placing additional strain onto an already very stressful situation once a baby arrives. My DH is 4 years younger than me and that was also very important in our decision to go with the flow and not rush into having a family, we wanted to have done everything ‘properly’ and our family is now a very different, sometimes challenging but wonderful new chapter to our twenties. Best of luck in whatever you choose, you only get one life xx

I agree with income- mine more than doubled in that period of time. Nearly trebled.

Why so much on mobile phones? Just get a sim only deal...I pay about £7 a month

@Comedycook we took out our phone contracts almost 3 years ago when we weren’t even thinking about having kids. The contracts are up in June and then we will absolutelyyyyy be getting sim only. I can’t wait, I absolutely hate paying £30 a month

Good grief, you do not need to get married. It’s not 1950. And not every relationship is doomed to fail like mumsnet might suggest. Pretty much all my friends have had kids first and not a single one of them has split up with their now husbands. I had two kids before even considering getting married. It just wasn’t a priority. I wanted kids before I was 30 (my second I was over 30) & quite happy to get married later on. Our 2020 wedding got pushed back to 2021 as well .. we finally had a fantastic day last year with our 5 & almost 2 year old. I’m so glad they were a bit older & able to enjoy the day!

There are always going to be people stung by bad relationships but you know yours. I was & I still am 100% certain my husband is committed to our family & he always has been. We have the happiest relationship, we are the best of friends, equals, partners in crime. We rarely argue, just bicker from time to time. I lucked out ❤️

I think it sounds perfectly doable OP. We had a similar monthly income when we had DD1. We used a nursery but did have family support twice a week & I went part time..

@Zolla

Good grief, you do not need to get married. It’s not 1950. And not every relationship is doomed to fail like mumsnet might suggest. Pretty much all my friends have had kids first and not a single one of them has split up with their now husbands. I had two kids before even considering getting married. It just wasn’t a priority. I wanted kids before I was 30 (my second I was over 30) & quite happy to get married later on. Our 2020 wedding got pushed back to 2021 as well .. we finally had a fantastic day last year with our 5 & almost 2 year old. I’m so glad they were a bit older & able to enjoy the day!

There are always going to be people stung by bad relationships but you know yours. I was & I still am 100% certain my husband is committed to our family & he always has been. We have the happiest relationship, we are the best of friends, equals, partners in crime. We rarely argue, just bicker from time to time. I lucked out ❤️

I think it sounds perfectly doable OP. We had a similar monthly income when we had DD1. We used a nursery but did have family support twice a week & I went part time..

Just keep an eye on posts on here to find women totally screwed but not being married before having dc. I think it’s a bit rich that you are saying being married isn’t important when you have that legal protection yourself As I said it’s not a moral issue, it’s much more important