Desperate for a baby but stressed that we can’t afford it

[Pondz]

Hey everyone, so this might be a question that is posted regularly on here, I’m not sure, but I would like to explain my situation and ask for some advice from people in similar situations.

I have been desperate for a baby for the past 3 and a half years, but due to living with parents and not having a decent enough income etc we have waited. Me and my partner now live together and I am going to turn 29 in a few months. We have decided that we are ready now and agreed to start trying next year.

I have looked into costs and everything and think we could manage… apart from the cost of childcare! I bring in £1,300 a month and my partner brings in £2,000 a month. The cost of putting a child in childcare looks to be around £900-£1000 and I have been really heartbroken to realise that we may not physically have the money for that.

For context, we live in Manchester and these are our bills:
Mortgage: £650
Council tax: £150
Gas and electric: £160
Water: £50
Wifi: £18
Home insurance: £20
Life insurance: £50
Credit card: minimum £30
Car insurance: £150
Car loan: £200
Pet insurance: £70 (dog is 11 years old that’s why it’s so high now)
Phone bills combined: £70
I don’t drive so my commute expenses: £80

So that comes to just under £1,700 then we also have a shared Spotify, Amazon prime (that’s all we use for tv) and food shopping which is roughly an extra £250 so £1,950

That leaves us with £1,350 left for the month which is brill. But then if we spend £1000 of that on childcare that only gives us £350 left for the whole month. I based those bills off what we spend now, when we have a baby of course those will get higher because we will need nappies, baby clothes, baby food etc. Is £350 going to be enough, because also there’s all those little things that you forget about like hair cuts and dentist visits and what if the car breaks? Spending £1000 on childcare means we don’t have enough money to put any away into savings for emergencies

Based on your own experience, would we manage on this? Does anyone have similar income to outgoings that could offer your experience and advice?

Lots of brilliant advice here already. If you plan carefully enough you will be fine! I am a SAHM but my DH only brings in £1700 per month, and we have 2 year old twins. We saved my whole salary for 5 years before TTC so that we wouldn't need to worry about money, but somehow we scrape by without dipping into it. The savings mean that we are not eligible for any benefits (apart from the Child Benefit that everyone gets). All of our outgoings total £1500 per month, from groceries and petrol right down to birthday presents, TV license and dentist/optician. That leaves £200 per month for extras, which admittedly is not very much! But we have nice little treats and don't feel "poor". I do worry about all these increasing bills, but our savings mean I don't need to lose sleep over it.

@RewildingAmbridge yes he is ready.. we won’t be trying until next year and even if we get pregnant straight away he will be a couple months off being 26. If it takes us a while to get pregnant he will be 26+ And by the time baby is born he will be 27 or close to it. We have had BIG conversations about this in the past. I would never get pregnant if I thought he had any doubts or wasn’t on board. When I brought up the childcare issue I started freaking out and getting upset saying we’ll never be able to have a baby because we won’t ever be able to afford it (I was being dramatic because I was just getting myself worked up) and he was saying “no no we will! I will train for a higher role at work so that I make more money” so I know that he wants this. Even though he said that… there’s still a chance that it will take a while though to train in something new, hence my post. I wanted to see if we could manage even without any promotions or further training. Of course we will aim for these things but it’s nice to know that we may be ok even without it, just in case it doesn’t happen

@girlmom21

She doesn't - but if she does potentially plan on cutting her hours/not taking promotions/paying less into her pension while her DC are young, then it would be sensible to.

I agree with this but her OP didn't suggest anything about cutting her hours. Weirdly it's the posters who see those issues on here regularly who have suggested it.

OP's baby is hypothetical right now, she might not even want to work FT when baby arrives. She hasn't mentioned dropping hours so far but that's not to say it wouldn't be a decision she'd make with her DP make further down the line to potentially save on childcare. Too many women leave themselves wide open for future struggles and the very simple answer is to get married to protect yourself.

You both sound like you have a very sensible approach, you're really taking about a two year+ plan. You'll be fine, save while you can enjoy yourselves while you can and good luck!

@Aconitum

If you are not trying until next year, you have about 18 months to save up that £1350 that you currently have left over. That's almost £25k. Enough to cover 2 years of childcare.

^WSS

Definitely learn to drive now!! There isn't a better time!
When baby comes along and all of the costs of that / child care you'll be in an even worse position to drive. How will you get the child to nursery / childminder? In future the pre school / school runs?
Going to your post natal appointments and doctors is going to be super hard lugging all the baby stuff and pram on a train or bus. And it'll be tougher learning to drive with a child as you'll have even more outgoings.

I couldn't imagine not driving with children.

I have to say that on the face of it, you have OK ish finances, but they take no account that foods have gone up by 10% and some 50% in last year alone, that petrol is predicted to have risen to possibly £3/litre (in perspective that would double the costs of where it was Christmas time). And there's little buffer for the fact your utility may well treble.

Yes there are support mechanisms out there, but I wouldn't be kidding yourself it will be easy. You may well find not going back to work is better financially, as in the best of the options and tbh, if having a child surely the point if having one is to raise them, so work should be an absolute have to not want to imo.

That said, children can be as cheap or expensive as you make them!

£350 per month will be very tight, especially with all the increases and energy costs which will be going up further in October. But you will get £84 more er month child benefit, and you will likely qualify for tax free childcare too so it will probably be doable.

You don’t need £1300 per month to furnish a house. Get basics furniture and and a cheap rug rather than new flooring. Second hand sofas and bed frame, as well as second hand white goods. You can get the basics sorted in one month, then save £1000 per month towards maternity and childcare costs and see what it’s like to live of £350 and if you can do it.

@NoSquirrels why does it matter though? We don’t have children yet. We are living perfectly fine and comfortable doing what we are doing. The credit card is interest free for 30 months and right now our priority is the house because the previous owner was about 90 and hadnt changed anything since like 1960. My partner is a joiner so we don’t need to pay money for people fitting things, he is doing it all himself and materials are cheaper. Before we start trying for a baby the house will be done and the debt will be paid off. Why does it matter which way around we do it? I mean I do understand the thought process of… if you can afford to pay your debt off, do it! So that it’s not hanging over you. But I’m not worried about that. It’s not gaining any interest, we are both doing the house and paying off the card at the same time

On a more general note what sort of socialising do you do or holidays do you have? Before we had DS we were out and about all the time and also had a lot of holidays.

You need to pay your credit card off first, if your sitting room needs painting or you need new carpet it doesn’t really matter. Your credit card is costing you more money right now.

Getting married is not always the best option. My ex's divorce settlement took money that could have been spent on my children. Everyone needs to look at their individual current and likely future circumstances, get facts/proper advice and then decide.

You didn’t mention your credit card was interest free.

Op, just on the debate of marriage.

In the past, especially under Labour benefits were more generous so being a single mum was easier. Now it's incredibly tough and your entitlement if you separated is just CMS if not married. If your partner is self employed he will have ways to fudge payments. Just be hard-nosed and protect your interests.

We have it juggled so that we only need 3 short days childcare so that takes down the cost a lot. We were keeping it just under the limit of tax free childcare (max £2000 a year) and I wasn't paying much tax till I changed jobs and got a big salary increase and then I saved to difference so
little of it went on nice to haves.

I'm breastfeeding so zero milk cost just like the odd pump and bottles (second hand btw) and we use cloth nappies so my first had maybe a couple hundred pounds of disposables and then cloth till potty training and then my second I bought some newborn nappies second hand (which I need to sell) and then he's into DDs bigger nappies which should see him to PT too and then whatever's still in decent shape I will sell. A lot of clothes and stuff is second hand too and gender neutral. The only baby food I ever bought was like crisps and biscuits but I've stopped that and they just completely have normal food now so it's a tiny tiny cost to add some extra to whatever I'm having.

Also I can't drive, I live in London so it's fine and I can cycle everywhere. Yes even with a tiny baby the cost of learning to drive is so high (no one to teach me) for little gain for me as we don't have a car at all and I couldn't hire one for ages anyway, could make a decent dent in a family bike for the cost of learning to drive.

From a credit rating point of view, it's better to spend and pay off on the credit card and keep a rolling balance. If it's a card that gives rewards you gain this way too. You then also get the payment protection on the new furniture/appliances etc. that you're buying.

I’ve seen quite a lot of questions and can’t remember everyone’s names to tag sorry. In regards to car loan.. the loan is to my partners dad. He bought him the car and now he is paying him back. His dad did this for him so that he doesn’t have to pay interest but £200 a month is what he has asked him for. I have asked if he would be willing to take £100 instead though but he doesn’t seem keen on the idea.

Condensing work hours may be an option, I work Monday to Friday 9-5 and outside of those hours the office isn’t open so I’m not sure if they would let me work until 7pm for example as it’s not actually open then so I wouldn’t be able to speak to clients etc but I would definitely look into it

After reading all the comments about driving, I have decided that you are right. I am going to take up lessons again, I kept in touch with my instructor because I told him I would be taking a break and wanting to come back eventually so hopefully he still has a space free for me to start soon.

There’s been so much good advice here and I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences. Thank you so much!

@InkySquid thanks for clarifying that. I’m glad I posted here because it’s been quite an eye opener. Sometimes you just need to hear other people with experience to tell you as it is

You might have twins like us 😬

How much does he have left to pay his dad?

I wouldn't halve what you're paying back - I'd double it and get it paid back ASAP.

I agree with the posters who suggest saving as much as you can now and think about getting married to protect yourself as much as possible. If anyone you know has kids you might be able to get clothing/baby bits from them. Don't make the mistake of buying everythng brand new if you don't have to. You can never predict how your pregnancy will go or what life will have in store. I had every intention of working up to 38 weeks and being back at work within six months while my mum looked after my child. I had a high risk pregnancy and was out from 25 weeks, had to stay out of work for ten months then my mum passed away suddenly. My child has special needs so I can only work part time at present. You can plan all you like life will have its own ideas. Best of luck and hope it all works out for you ❤

[quote Pondz]@NoSquirrels why does it matter though? We don’t have children yet. We are living perfectly fine and comfortable doing what we are doing. The credit card is interest free for 30 months and right now our priority is the house because the previous owner was about 90 and hadnt changed anything since like 1960. My partner is a joiner so we don’t need to pay money for people fitting things, he is doing it all himself and materials are cheaper. Before we start trying for a baby the house will be done and the debt will be paid off. Why does it matter which way around we do it? I mean I do understand the thought process of… if you can afford to pay your debt off, do it! So that it’s not hanging over you. But I’m not worried about that. It’s not gaining any interest, we are both doing the house and paying off the card at the same time[/quote]
If it’s 0% fair enough. For now.

But life stuff sometimes happens unexpectedly - an accident at work meaning DP loses his income can have a massive knock-on effect. If you don’t have a cushion of cash savings then you get further into debt. You get unexpectedly pregnant (accidents do happen!) and suddenly the 30 months interest free period has got a lot shorter! There are no good balance transfer deals when you need them etc…

In general, you should pay off debt, save some money and then spend on non-essentials. That’s all. You don’t have to, but honestly it’s frighteningly easy as a homeowner to suddenly need money you don’t have, and then you look at your credit card debt for sofas or whatever in a different light.

[quote Pondz]@Whinge well we do plan on getting married but it’s not a priority right now. My mum brought three of us up as a single mum, as did my auntie, and plenty of my friends have babies and are not married yet so I didn’t really think it was a big deal to get married first. It is on our list as my partner wants to get married very much. I understand what people’s concerns are and I do agree. So yes we will be getting married but we haven’t really spoken about when[/quote]
It should be a priority before having children.
I’m not talking about a wedding I am talking about marriage as in a legally binding contract
Being married protects you legally and I advise every woman to get married before having children unless she is very wealthy in her own right.
It’s not a moral issue it’s so much more important

If your debt is on at 0% what I’d do right now is divide the total debt by the amount of time left on the 30 months. Save that in a separate account. At the end of 30 months you can either pay it all off, or if there’s a balance transfer deal you can decide to 0% it again then. In the meantime you have a cash buffer for the unexpected, and security of knowing you’re on track to pay it off.

Then driving lessons, house stuff and save in a different account for maternity leave/childcare/fancy wedding if you really must!

But saving and debt before spends house stuff or at the very least alongside it.

@girlmom21

She doesn't - but if she does potentially plan on cutting her hours/not taking promotions/paying less into her pension while her DC are young, then it would be sensible to.

I agree with this but her OP didn't suggest anything about cutting her hours. Weirdly it's the posters who see those issues on here regularly who have suggested it.

She's commented on how she won't earn very much more than childcare due to her net income being £1,300 a month, and nursery being about the same (£900 a month is probably unrealistically cheap for full-time). That is the perfect prelude to "I may as well cut my hours as working has no net benefit income-wise".

And that's how it happens. Not being married makes that a really risky thing to do.

This is a very similar financial situation to myself and DH, except we are paying off some big house reno loans so also lose £300/400 per month and will do for the next 3 years 🤦🏾‍♀️

We pay £500 per month childcare 2 days a week and are lucky enough to have 2 days from my parents. I also condensed my hours so I was home one day a week to save further costs.

You should get tax free childcare as working parents so that is around 20% of childcare cost paid by the government. It's a hefty amount actually and is incredibly helpful.

£80 a month child benefit for nappies.

It is bloody expensive, what has helped me is saving for sales and buying for the next sizes up in advance (takes a bit of planning and guesstimating re seasons etc).

You should be okay but yes you will have to cut back for a long while!