Desperate for a baby but stressed that we can’t afford it

[Pondz]

Hey everyone, so this might be a question that is posted regularly on here, I’m not sure, but I would like to explain my situation and ask for some advice from people in similar situations.

I have been desperate for a baby for the past 3 and a half years, but due to living with parents and not having a decent enough income etc we have waited. Me and my partner now live together and I am going to turn 29 in a few months. We have decided that we are ready now and agreed to start trying next year.

I have looked into costs and everything and think we could manage… apart from the cost of childcare! I bring in £1,300 a month and my partner brings in £2,000 a month. The cost of putting a child in childcare looks to be around £900-£1000 and I have been really heartbroken to realise that we may not physically have the money for that.

For context, we live in Manchester and these are our bills:
Mortgage: £650
Council tax: £150
Gas and electric: £160
Water: £50
Wifi: £18
Home insurance: £20
Life insurance: £50
Credit card: minimum £30
Car insurance: £150
Car loan: £200
Pet insurance: £70 (dog is 11 years old that’s why it’s so high now)
Phone bills combined: £70
I don’t drive so my commute expenses: £80

So that comes to just under £1,700 then we also have a shared Spotify, Amazon prime (that’s all we use for tv) and food shopping which is roughly an extra £250 so £1,950

That leaves us with £1,350 left for the month which is brill. But then if we spend £1000 of that on childcare that only gives us £350 left for the whole month. I based those bills off what we spend now, when we have a baby of course those will get higher because we will need nappies, baby clothes, baby food etc. Is £350 going to be enough, because also there’s all those little things that you forget about like hair cuts and dentist visits and what if the car breaks? Spending £1000 on childcare means we don’t have enough money to put any away into savings for emergencies

Based on your own experience, would we manage on this? Does anyone have similar income to outgoings that could offer your experience and advice?

Don't renew your phone contracts,that's a lot of money going out every month. Buy outright and use a SIM only which is a tenner or less.

It would be MUCH easier for me to drive if I have a baby but I feel like it would also add so much more cost, and we are trying to cut costs to be able to afford the baby! So for now it just doesn’t make sense for me to add more outgoings when I’m already worried as it is.

There will never be a better time to do it. Trust me. It will all be 10x harder and more expensive when you’ve got children. Learning to drive is expensive, but it’s better to take that expense now than when you’re stretched with childcare, or have to fit lessons in between school runs and work and activities etc.

Definitely 100% don’t do anything to jeopardise your earnings or independence if you’re not married. Whilst you remain unmarried do not go part-time after the baby, or give up work, or anything that makes you more financially vulnerable than your partner. I know that sounds pessimistic and like it isn’t something you need to worry about, but it never ever hurts to be well prepared just in case.

You can definitely cut your phone bills - we pay £5/month each sim only. You don't need new phones on contract every couple of yours, we have decent phones we bought outright for a couple of hundred (less, I think) and will keep them till they break. My last one lasted about 8 years I think, maybe more, saved me a fortune.

Also you need to make sure you're protected in all this - marriage, as others have said.

@Whinge well we do plan on getting married but it’s not a priority right now. My mum brought three of us up as a single mum, as did my auntie, and plenty of my friends have babies and are not married yet so I didn’t really think it was a big deal to get married first. It is on our list as my partner wants to get married very much. I understand what people’s concerns are and I do agree. So yes we will be getting married but we haven’t really spoken about when

Plus - just because you’ve learned to drive doesn’t mean you need to buy a second car! Or spend more on petrol. It just means that you’ve got options and a skill in case you need it. Be prepared again, basically!

My mum brought three of us up as a single mum, as did my auntie - then they’d definitely tell you that not having to rely financially on a man, or being sure you can afford things without struggling, makes life better all round!

What helped us was choosing a childminder and changing my working pattern to allow for shorter use of childcare.

Before dd I was originally working Monday- Friday 9-5 but I swapped to 1-8 with a shorter break and worked Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I didn’t lose much money to do this.

My husband swapped his shifts to early starts and worked 7-5 4 days instead of 9-5 5 days. This meant we only needed 3 days childcare and only on afternoons as I had Wednesday off and he he Friday off. It decreased the costs considerably. It allowed both of us some one on one time with my dd whilst she was little as well as we still had weekends as time together.

We also looked for a childminder that had a lot of children coming through my DDs age. She has 3 best friends she’s known since she was 1 and they are now in year 2 together after being in nursery together too (our childminder we picked covered the school for our catchment).

When my dd started school I went back to my original shifts but my husband and his workplace preferred his new shifts so he has stayed that way.

This obviously means you would need to work for a business or manager that could allow you to alter times of shifts but quite a few people in both our workplaces changed their days in this manner.

Save hard, you have 9 whole months and sometimes it can take a year to fall pregnant too.

Be married, if not, make sure you go back to work full time after maternity leave.

Yes but was your single mum in a council house or had a mortgage? If council house then no problem, she would always have a roof over her childrens head, if mortgaged then in the even of a split you will be screwed, hence why get married first.

Wow there’s some hard truths in here about marriage! I really appreciate it. For myself, I would be very happy going to a registry and doing it that way but I have suggested it to my partner in the past and he was very disappointed as he wants a big grand day. I will have to have a serious chat with him

Is the £200 car loan actually a loan, i.e. at some point you'll stop paying it, or a PCP deal where you'll actually have to renew, find a lump sum or be without a car?

If you have as much spare each month as you say, then just pay the credit card off? If you can't afford to do that then I think there must be other spending that you're not accounting for in your calculations

On car insurance -- car insurance is really expensive in Manchester, always has been. (I grew up there and lived there until I was 30. Great city, absolutely terrible for car crime.) £150 a month isn't bonkers.

OP -- worth considering rapidly rising cost of living too. Energy bills are likely to go up a lot over the next year or so. If you add 20% to all your bills (including mortgage), but not to your salaries, can you still afford the outgoings you have now?

You don't need to get married before you have children

Plus those rising cost-of-living costs will knock on to childcare too. What's £900 a month now might be £1400 a month in a year's time.

@girlmom21

You don't need to get married before you have children

She doesn't - but if she does potentially plan on cutting her hours/not taking promotions/paying less into her pension while her DC are young, then it would be sensible to.

You don't have to look far on here to see threads from women on here who put their lives and careers on hold when starting a family only for their partner to fuck them over later in life.

Your food bill is very high, taking away the Spotify and Prime, must be over £200 a month on food? You can definitely look to cut that right down too

Op I'd definitely learn to drive before you have a baby. It doesn't have to take ages and you also don't need to get insured on a car etc until you need to, it just opens up the option if you do end up needing it. You will struggle to find time to learn once a baby is here.

On the money topic, I am pregnant now but used to go round in circles worrying about things like this too and talking myself out of it.

One key thing to remember - and that I constantly have to remind myself of - is that things do not always stay the same forever. For example, you or your DP or both could get a pay increase before childcare comes into play, or even a new job. One of you (or both) could explore compressing your hours (if possible in your roles) so you work FT hours but over 4 days, needing one less day of paid childcare. There are so many things that can change. Plus there are various childcare options you can explore, childminders tend to be cheaper than nursery apparently.

You will also get child benefit which is about £80 per month.

I was most concerned about covering bills when on maternity leave as the main earner, but I have saved to make that possible. Childcare will be tough but it's just a couple of hard years to get through and then it should get easier - I hope!

I'd focus on saving and getting the credit card paid off, but other than that I think your finances sound OK and you'll probably be surprised at how you make it work.

@InkySquid we do have enough to pay the credit card off now but we were saving hard for our deposit. We could’ve taken the money for the cats surgery from our deposit savings but we chose not to. Now we are using the disposable income to do up the house. That’s where the money is going. We were living with parents so when we moved into our house we had NO furniture so £1,300 a month doesn’t get you much in terms of sofas, fridge, freezer, a bed, a mattress, a tv a washing machine etc etc as well as new floors and general decorating. We have some second hand stuff but that’s what we are choosing to spend the disposable income on right now. Once the house is done I will pay what’s remaining on the credit card before we try for a baby

She doesn't - but if she does potentially plan on cutting her hours/not taking promotions/paying less into her pension while her DC are young, then it would be sensible to.

I agree with this but her OP didn't suggest anything about cutting her hours. Weirdly it's the posters who see those issues on here regularly who have suggested it.

Definitely look to consolidate hours, both DH and I now work ft over 4 days and have different weekdays off reducing childcare costs by 40%, you can also get a tax free childcare account which means the government top up the money you put in there by 20% and you pay the nursery bill from that account. I am making assumptions but it's your 24 year old partner ready to have a baby? That's fairly young and having just bought your house you might want a year or two to renovate it and enjoy your freedom not living with parents anymore before becoming parents yourselves. It's very common for women to have children in their thirties these days. Also if your partner wants a big wedding, saving for that on your income is off the table once you have a child.

It's always tight when they are young. Thoughts: I would suggest spending the next year or two paying off debts so you don't have credit cards to worry about, ditto pay off your car loan first. Also you have an elderly dog (mine cost £95 a month for insurance) and you need to realistically think whether the dog will cope with a baby? Also how is your car insurance so high a month - mine is £220 a year

As far as the car insurance. Shop around my dd is 21 and pays £440 a year

What are both of your earnings prospects like? I had my first child at your age, 15 years later I earn nearly 3x as much as I did then. You need to think long term

I agree with those who say money is tight when kids are young, but tbh those costs don't go away they just transfer to other things - I have two teens they are adult sized and need adult portions and clothes.

Once the house is done I will pay what’s remaining on the credit card before we try for a baby

Right, you’ve got this arse-about.

Pay debt first. (Is it 0% - hope so if you’re just paying minimum!)
Work on savings buffer next (3 months outgoings minimum - this is the fund you use next time there is an emergency like cat surgery, boiler breakdown, plumbing disaster)
Then disposable income goes on stuff like driving lessons (life skill), then on nice-to-have things for house UNLESS you have literally nothing to sit on or the house is a shell and unsafe to be in.