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Original poster

I hit my daughter - I want help

67 replies

Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 21:44

Today I lost my patience with my defiant 5 year old and hit her over the ear with a packet of sliced vegetables in the supermarket. I have been finding her defiance difficult for months and today I just lost it. I feel awful. I want help but I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of talking to my GP. I think I needed a space to own up to it (on here) and hoping someone can offer some advice or words of support that help me change things around. Thanks.

OP posts:
WhoAre · 07/03/2022 21:56

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WeDontTalkAboutBrunoNoNoNo · 07/03/2022 22:01

What's your family context OP? Do you have a partner or family support around?

Original poster
Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 22:03

@WhoAre

What did she do when you hit her?
Do you mean before or afterwards?
OP posts:
Monsterjam · 07/03/2022 22:04

Social services may be able to support you in learning more appropriate parenting methods. Are you both ok?

Original poster
Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 22:05

@WeDontTalkAboutBrunoNoNoNo

What's your family context OP? Do you have a partner or family support around?
I have a partner, he is supportive practically, less so emotionally. Also have a 2 year old with autism traits (on waiting list for assessment). We have no extended family support.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 22:09

@Monsterjam

Social services may be able to support you in learning more appropriate parenting methods. Are you both ok?
I think so. I apologised to her and said what happened wasn’t ok. She was obviously upset for a while but seemed much calmer after we had dinner (we always eat together).
OP posts:
WhoAre · 07/03/2022 22:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

oncemoreunto · 07/03/2022 22:11

A positive parenting class would be a good way to begin.
It is definitely worth asking social services in your area if they have access to anything like that.
There have been quite a few running virtually.

Original poster
Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 22:14

@WhoAre

Afterwards *@Mummyongin*
She was upset, rightly so. She walked behind me all the way home crying. Honestly this is often what she would do if she didn’t get to buy what she wanted. At home she wanted to tell her dad what happened, I agreed with what she said and apologised to her.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 22:15

@oncemoreunto

A positive parenting class would be a good way to begin. It is definitely worth asking social services in your area if they have access to anything like that. There have been quite a few running virtually.
Ok thanks. I will ask.
OP posts:
Halllyup17 · 07/03/2022 22:26

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

Secondtimemama32 · 07/03/2022 22:29

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

👏🏼
Allusernamesalreadyused · 07/03/2022 22:36

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

Agree. Don't react over the top. You know what you did was wrong. You have apologised. We all have bad days and you are having stressful times at moment. Life can be so challenging. Give yourself a break
Mmmmmmbop90 · 07/03/2022 22:36

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

This with bells on

Forgive yourself op and move forward

If you’d like more support I’m currently having therapy for anger and shouting and have found quite a few specialists who work specifically with mums and maternal rage which has been really useful so you could look around your area or on zoom? Anna Mathur on Instagram is great as is Dr Boyd

Original poster
Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 22:37

I’m not good at forgiving myself. I honestly didn’t find parenting difficult until mid-lockdown when she was 4. I used to be proud of how I parented, but not now. It’s become a vicious cycle of me not being a good enough parent and her starting to lie, steal, shout, whine, hit, etc and me not coping with it. Then my husband shouts at us both. It gets me down.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 07/03/2022 22:39

Oh OP - that was a very visual description and it made me laugh out loud.

I am sorry! It must have been upsetting for you both. I am only saying I laughed because many a parent has lost their rag and smacked a child - of course we shouldn’t but it’s normal - we are all human and as a one off it’s not a huge thing.

Just do a bit of thinking and research around discipline methods, and come up with a few strategies to try. I don’t think you are going to be top of SS lists, TBH..

Tereo · 07/03/2022 22:39

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

Totally agree. You say it's a once off you're horrified and want to make sure it doesn't happen again. We've had a couple of similar hairy moments over the last 15 years since my first was born. I would see it more like a red warning sign flashing that you are at end of tether and need to reorganise things - be it more time out for yourself, more support with the kids if possible, chat to councilor maybe if you're stressed about older child . Any time the wheels have come off the cart for me I've gone to a book shelf and bought a couple of relevant parenting books which always resets things for me. Forgive yourself, take care and good luck with upcoming assessment process. Went through similar with my 15 yo who wasn't diagnosed with AS but was with ADHD years later. (He's thriving now btw after a few very difficult early years)
MyDcAreMarvel · 07/03/2022 22:39

I agree with @Halllyup17 the parents who need SS help are those who think it’s ok to hit their child. You could make things worse. Try and find an incredible years course instead.

oncemoreunto · 07/03/2022 22:41

I don't think going on a positive parenting course should be seen as a bad thing.
You can ask for some support without telling social services your life story.
Just say you are finding parenting post pandemic hard and there any available courses, either online or in person.
A one off incident isn't the end of the world but having some new strategies and realizing lots of other people are struggling with the same or worse can be helpful.

CanIHaveAHolidayPlease · 07/03/2022 22:42

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

Absolutely this!
Obviously what happened wasn't great but I don't think it warrants a visit from social services.
None of us are perfect but to recognise our mistakes, apologise and learn from them is perfectly OK!

Baffledmuch · 07/03/2022 22:49

I’m a SW, if you are struggling with parenting generally then I’d recommend courses such as Triple P. You can self refer and they are really good at helping develop great strategies and reframing behaviour and reactions to it. You don’t need to report yourself to Children’s Services, it’s not great but we can all act out of character at high pressure times. You know it was wrong, have apologised and want to find new ways of managing things.

Engage positively with support like a parenting course and I’m sure you will move on, with your daughter and get back in the groove of parenting.

Gooseberrypies · 07/03/2022 22:49

You gave her a clip round the ear with a packet of sliced veg. Seriously. Do you want people to tell you you’re an unfit parent and that she should obviously be taken away?! Get a grip.

Rainallnight · 07/03/2022 22:53

Ah I feel for you, OP. You know it was the wrong thing to do and it feels awful. I’ve come very close to smacking my defiant five year old a couple of times and have certainly shouted at her in ways I’m not at all proud of.

I’m concerned by you saying that your DH shouts at you both. That’s not very helpful if you’re struggling with your DD. Does he support you in disciplining her?

I think a PP put it very well that you can use today as a warning signal that something needs to change. What’s she like at school? Can they give any support?

Have you read ‘How to talk so little kids will listen’? It’s got some good techniques in it.

Original poster
Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 22:53

@Gooseberrypies

You gave her a clip round the ear with a packet of sliced veg. Seriously. Do you want people to tell you you’re an unfit parent and that she should obviously be taken away?! Get a grip.
I want to make things better in how I cope with parenting and my relationship with my daughter, I won’t apologise for that.
OP posts:
ParalysisByAnalysis · 07/03/2022 22:55

I agree with Halllyup

Every one of us is guilty of a far-from-ideal parenting moment. Every single one. Whilst I don’t condone hitting children (and have never hit mine), I’ve seen parents hiss awful things in their childrens’ ears for playing up in public. Swearing at them. Talking about how awful they are as if they weren’t there. Tbh I think a smack is probably less damaging than that stuff.

My own issue is shouting. I hate myself for it and I am working hard on it but sometimes they just push and push