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Original poster

I hit my daughter - I want help

67 replies

Mummyongin · 07/03/2022 21:44

Today I lost my patience with my defiant 5 year old and hit her over the ear with a packet of sliced vegetables in the supermarket. I have been finding her defiance difficult for months and today I just lost it. I feel awful. I want help but I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of talking to my GP. I think I needed a space to own up to it (on here) and hoping someone can offer some advice or words of support that help me change things around. Thanks.

OP posts:
BridgesofMadisonfan · 08/03/2022 10:50

@Outhouse71421

You say you wish your DH wouldn't get involved. What's that about? Does he say yes after you say no?
Op also said he shouts at her and the child.
buddylicious · 08/03/2022 10:51

I wouldn't contact Social Services about it!

You've owned the problem yourself and want to do something about it.

You really don't want Social Services involved in your life!

ode2me · 08/03/2022 10:55

I've snapped and smacked. I reached out for help the same day and never did it again.

You aren't awful. You snapped. Try to find other ways. I feel for you. I really do.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 08/03/2022 11:01

Where I live there is a phone number you can call to access different types of family support/ parenting classes. You can google what is on in your area, look on your local council website etc. If you are finding parenting hard there are supports out there. There are also 16000 parenting books. I like Dan Seigal.

WhoAre · 08/03/2022 14:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Mummyongin · 08/03/2022 22:01

@Burnamer

To all those minimising this, please note that the OP did not apologise until they got home. OP’s daughter walked home behind OP crying. And it doesn’t seem like OP addressed this. Does no-one else think that OP’s daughter sounds like a very sad 6 year old?

You should find some support and learn how to parent better OP for the sake of your daughter’s long term development.

I do get your point and it was obviously a horrible situation but I didn’t talk to her until we were home because I was a mess of guilt and she couldn’t process it and it wouldn’t have helped. I tried to walk as slow as I could so she was close but she wanted to be behind me. It’s a 2-3 minute walk so not far. I do want to improve my relationship with her and how I handle things but I don’t think having a conversation in the shop or the street would have been a better option.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyongin · 08/03/2022 22:09

@Outhouse71421

You say you wish your DH wouldn't get involved. What's that about? Does he say yes after you say no?
Actually I have more confidence in myself as a parent when it’s just me, I set the boundaries that I know I can hold and let go of the others. When DH is around I’m forever checking what boundaries he’s put down and working out how to follow up. He’s stricter than I am generally.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyongin · 08/03/2022 22:12

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

If your youngest is assessed for AS/AD. This is a neccessary question: How about your DD? Girls are very often overlooked and it is a genetically disposed condition after all. (DD was assessed only after her younger DB was diagnosed)

Oh, and for not NT-children parenting courses need to be different. I did Triple P because it was offered via school and none of it worked with mine and I had to take a different one.

I’ve considered it but there were no difficulties or concerns with her at all until age 4. She lost friends/extended family/childcare in lockdown and her brother got ill at the same time. I think that’s what started the change in her behaviour.
OP posts:
Polyanthus2 · 09/03/2022 09:25

All this boundaries stuff - she's v little only 5, younger brother been ill and probably got lots of attention, probably also frightened her to see dB ill,plus Covid rules for months on end - none of which she would really understand. She's had a hard time (don't dispute you've had a hard time too).

Facewipes · 09/03/2022 09:30

Did you finding parenting harder coincide with the birth of your second child?

Mariposista · 09/03/2022 09:53

It sounds like the kid was being a brat, and had been for a while and pushed you too far - when you happened to have a packet of veg in hand. The fact that you know this is the wrong way to deal with brattiness and feel bad shows you are NOT a bad parent. Please give yourself a break. If anything, this has been a wake up call to put things in place to handle your child's bad behaviour. Best of luck with whichever method you find - I'm sure you will be brilliant!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 09/03/2022 10:31

It sounds as if ideally both you and DH need to attend a parenting group together so you can agree on a common parenting strategy. If you are trying to adapt your parenting to fit in with DH but he isn't trying to fit in with yours then that will still lead to inconsistency as well as extra stress for you and DD.

You could ask your GP or health visitor if they have any pointers to local groups. In my area the health visitors themselves run them regularly. Parents often join these groups after there's been some stress in the family (like lockdown or illness) that has caused a child's behaviour to go downhill.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/03/2022 10:39

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

I agree with this. I had one defiant child and I found it really hard , until I realised that my approach was fuelling the defiance, and that it was her feeling anxious as I got cross that made her more stubborn. I talked to her about it, and I learned to pick my battles more carefully and to avoid (where reasonable ) going head to head with her, while addressing things that made her anxious. I also learned to stop and take a few minutes to reset, when I was very tired and overwhelmed. I got much better at asking for cooperation in a positive way. Parenting is something we get better at over time, I am a better parent of teenagers having learned those lessons with a five year old, so in that way it was actually a helpful thing.
TheRealistBub · 09/03/2022 11:11

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised

This

Original poster
Mummyongin · 09/03/2022 14:19

Thanks for all the replies, it has helped me focus on moving forward and not to be paralysed by guilt if that makes sense. I’ve ordered the book that was suggested by a few people on here (thanks) and have found a local family counselling service that I can self refer to so I will do that. I’m hoping this will be a wake up call to improve my understanding and patience and skill to parent when faced with a kid who does push boundaries to the extreme at times. Wish us all luck!

OP posts:
BridgesofMadisonfan · 09/03/2022 15:35

@Mummyongin

My eldest has asd. Even though i was a teacher i had no idea until they were in their teens.

[AUTO]9szl6l0jthb5o · 09/03/2022 17:44

Well if she refuses to eat her vegetables in the future we know why

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