I hit my daughter - I want help

[Mummyongin]

Today I lost my patience with my defiant 5 year old and hit her over the ear with a packet of sliced vegetables in the supermarket. I have been finding her defiance difficult for months and today I just lost it. I feel awful. I want help but I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of talking to my GP. I think I needed a space to own up to it (on here) and hoping someone can offer some advice or words of support that help me change things around. Thanks.

Thanks rainallnight. My partner and I aren’t a great team at the moment. He works from home now and sometimes I wish he wouldn’t get involved in everything. School say she behaves perfectly and they have no concerns, I’ve tried talking to her teacher about how different it is at home but they’ve got bigger issues to worry about I guess.

I just wanted to tell you I really admire you for having the courage to reach out for help. Recognising and admitting to others you have an issue is half the problem to solving it. I wish you both the best.

Are you in England?

So ... what kind of stealing and lying does your DD do?

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

Absolutely agree, couldn't have said it better myself!

School should have a parental support worker or access to one who would be happy to meet for a chat about your needs OP. The teacher should probably have suggested that avenue.

Stop beating yourself up op. If we are honest we have all been in your position. You got to the end of your tether, your child keeps pushing and pushing and you snap. You didn't hurt her, you just shocked her and you. You've recognised what happened and where you went wrong and it won't happen again.
Just have a look at a few positive parenting tools you can use next time you feel pushed and overwhelmed. The world is great at telling us not to smack, but we aren't told what to do instead. (I watched lots of Supernanny!) I'm sure we all parent how our own parents showed us.

You sound like a great mum. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You lost your temper, clipped DD round the ear and then apologized and made it clear you were in the wrong. And now you're trying to stop it happening again.

We all lose our tempers sometimes but I don't believe you have done any harm, except perhaps to yourself. Let it go. The last few years have been difficult but you are clearly kind, considerate and present for your DCs.

If you're worried about the future you can look for parenting classes but meanwhile don't forget all the positive things you have achieved.

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

I totally agree with this post. Spot on. Do not continue to berate yourself. You’re not a monster. You were upset and frustrated. Of course you shouldn’t hit your child but you know this and want to do things differently.

I wouldn’t contact social services tbh. I think you are brave for admitting this. If more people admitted that we have done things like this we might not think we are the only ones and beat ourselves up. I struggled with losing my rag and would berate myself terribly and still have a lot of guilt. I tried to be patient but a combination of stressful circumstances and ill health has made parenting very difficult. I think you just have to educate yourself on different techniques for dealing with the stress of parenting. I also realised years later that I have adhd and this explains why I was sometimes unable to control my flashes of anger. That few seconds delay when you can control your responses is not there for many people with adhd. I wish I had known this a long time ago as it would have helped to know that I wasn’t just a bad person and I could have sought help

What sort of vegetables were they?

@beccahamlet

What sort of vegetables were they?

There's always one. Don't even respond to this OP next minute there's a 3rd world debate about the weight of carrots!

Have you spoken to your DD about her behaviour and not listening? Does the school offer any type of activities after like sport your DD may like?

What about swimming on a weekend if she has good week at school/reward chart?

In any case I don't think a social services issue. You've realised it's not ok and apologised.

Fgs you don't need a course or to inform social services. Massive woke over-reaction. You can tell your remorse that's all you need. Many of us have wrongfully done it, we realise it's wrong and mindfully don't do it again and we move on.

@Gooseberrypies

You gave her a clip round the ear with a packet of sliced veg. Seriously. Do you want people to tell you you’re an unfit parent and that she should obviously be taken away?! Get a grip.

Of course she doesn't. She wants some suggestions for help to prevent it happening again. Why so utterly rude?

OP do you have Children’s centres or family centres where you are? Round here they now support with children up to the age of 19 and you can refer yourself for support for all sorts of things. It's called Early Help here but probably called all sorts of different things round the country! They could possibly help with a course or a family worker to come and support for a while or even some after school groups to meet other parents finding to it tough, groups for siblings of children with disabilities.....there's loads of stuff but sometimes you need a hub or person to help you sort out what would be most useful.

Might be worth looking on your council website and see if they have a 'children and families' type section on there? Not schools or education or childcare, a section separate to that.

Or do they have Home Start volunteers in your area? I haven't got personal experience with them because my area doesn't have any active volunteers but a friend of mine said her volunteer was an absolute godsend.

Wishing you luck OP, my kids have driven me to the absolute edge and beyond and like you I've had to really step back and reassess at times because my trigger was getting way too close for comfort. You've recognised what you've done, you're mortified, you've apologised and now it's time to put it right. But don't give yourself a rash from an unnecessary hair shirt.

I bet your daughter stopped what she was doing though when you did it? I'm sure it didn't leave a mark but it had the desired effect so I wouldn't beat yourself up over this

To all those minimising this, please note that the OP did not apologise until they got home. OP’s daughter walked home behind OP crying. And it doesn’t seem like OP addressed this.
Does no-one else think that OP’s daughter sounds like a very sad 6 year old?

You should find some support and learn how to parent better OP for the sake of your daughter’s long term development.

Is she jealous of her 'cute little' Dsibling. Even though we aren't deliberately biased it's very easy for a 5 year old (who can walk and talk properly) to be treated as Much older than their toddler sibling. And she is jealous of the sibling?
How was your childhood, a wonderful example, or one with things you accepted as normal but if you think about it weren't.
We are very influenced by what you assume was good parenting by your DPs but wasn't.
The Love bombing is something you could try with DD.
Is she tired and a bit stressed by school - being cooped up with 20 other 5 year olds all day would stress many people.

This book is often recommended on here
www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/184812614X?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

This.

My god, we've all made mistakes as parents.

My daughter ran off from me and I couldn't grab her hand quickly enough.

Thank god nothing happened but she ran into the road and could have been killed.

Op I don't think you will do this again, it was a momentary loss of judgement.

You say you wish your DH wouldn't get involved. What's that about? Does he say yes after you say no?

If your youngest is assessed for AS/AD. This is a neccessary question:
How about your DD? Girls are very often overlooked and it is a genetically disposed condition after all. (DD was assessed only after her younger DB was diagnosed)

Oh, and for not NT-children parenting courses need to be different. I did Triple P because it was offered via school and none of it worked with mine and I had to take a different one.

@Halllyup17

Or, instead of going to social services, you could realise that it's completely normal to lose your rag with children, and forgive yourself.

It's a one off and you realise you were in the wrong. Parenting is hard. We don't all get it right first time. Your child is fine. You've apologised.

If you find that it becomes something you can't control on a regular basis, seek help then.

This.