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Parenting

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Original poster

Booster seat - I’m worried I’ve offend my friend.

59 replies

PaddlingLikeADuck · 05/03/2022 13:41

I have an 8 year old son who uses a high backed booster seat.

Today he’s going to a party and a friend of mine (the mother of his school friend who is also going to the party) offered to drive him there as I am unable to.

Anyway, when she came to the house I picked up my son’s car seat with the intention to put it in her car and she told me not to worry as she already has a spare in her car. She then went on to say that she doesn’t use the high back boosters and just uses the booster as a stand alone unit.

I told her that I would much prefer my son to be in a HBB seat as I wouldn’t forgive myself if something happened to him in an accident (it’s a 20 minute drive down the motorway) and so could I just put his seat in her car.

She obviously let me but she looked really startled and I’m worried I’ve offended her or she thinks I was judging her own choices in car seats (I really wasn’t).

A friend of mine had her daughter on a standard booster seat a few years ago (she was 7) and she died in a car accident due to a forceful head injury she received against the inside of her car door when they were crashed into.

I have never forgotten the utter tragedy of it and so car safety is a massive thing for me, including the protection offered to the head that HBB provide.

After my friend and the children had left I felt so guilty in case I had offended her but like I said, I would never have forgiven myself if something had happened to him when I’d let him use a booster seat just because I was too worried to speak out.

Did I overreact?

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thisplaceisweird · 05/03/2022 13:44

I don't think so, you have to make your own choices as a parent as to what you think is right. You didn't comment on hers just stuck to your own. That's totally fine.
If she's upset then it's her that's sensitive. I wouldn't mention it again, let it go.

ColonelPine · 05/03/2022 13:44

No I don’t think you overreacted. It’s important to you so you insisted on what you wanted. Just don’t forget to get your car seat out of her car when you get back!

CorneliusVetch · 05/03/2022 13:45

I think you are inadvertently judging her choice of seat so I’m not surprised she is offended, especially as it sounds like she is doing you a favour. However in her situation I would have checked what car seat you wanted your child transported in.

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piratehugs · 05/03/2022 13:48

That's great you spoke up! It's really hard to insist on the safer option when you're worried about offending someone. But you put your kid first. Nice one!

NameChange30 · 05/03/2022 13:49

YANBU at all, especially after what happened to your friend's daughter

If I was giving or offering a lift to another child I would always respect their parent's preferences when it comes to car seat safety.

Playplayaway · 05/03/2022 13:50

Better to briefly offend a friend than have the guilt if something did happen while your ds was in the car.

Sux2Buthen · 05/03/2022 13:51

You were right, if she feels judged that's up to her.

Tee20x · 05/03/2022 13:53

Your child your choice. She may have felt offended but what difference does that make. You can't just go around being concerned about offending people if the alternative means you're compromising your child's safety.

Gunpowder · 05/03/2022 13:54

YANBU! Your child’s safety, your choice.

If you are worried she feels judged though you could send her a message saying something like ‘Thank you so much for giving X a lift and also for being understanding about the car seat. A friends DD was in a bad accident a few years ago and since then I’ve been really particular it’ If she’s nice she will understand.

Sittinginthesand · 05/03/2022 13:55

Just tell her you are sorry if she thought you were ‘being ott’ about the seat but that are always super careful after what happened to your poor friend. You did the right thing 💐, she will understand (and probably already does).

SavoyCabbage · 05/03/2022 13:55

This was the story of my life when my dc were younger. We lived outside if the UK and once they were primary school age nobody was in a car seat except my dc. I was always putting my seats in peoples cars while they looked bemused but I had my foreign-ness to cushion the embarrassment.

I once saw a child come through the windscreen in an accident so it was something I was adamant about.

Wishiwasrunning2 · 05/03/2022 13:57

YANBU

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2022 14:00

You're not responsible for how she feels. Your job is to do what you think is best for your child. If she takes issue with that, that's her problem.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 05/03/2022 14:02

Thanks for the reassurance.

I did text her to say that I really hope she wasn’t offended by the car seat issue and that just for personal reasons I’m very particular about head protection which is why I wanted my son in his own seat and that I hope she understood.

I haven’t had a reply

OP posts:

Mellowyellow222 · 05/03/2022 14:12

It’s absolutely fine to want your child in whoever car seat you prefer.

But the I would never forgive myself comment seems a bit OTT and probably came across as passive aggressive.

I think it’s not that you said you wanted the high backed car seat - it’s how you said it that has caused the problem.

Lesperance · 05/03/2022 14:13

She looked startled because she is questioning her own choices. I was really like you with car seats, best I could afford, read the Which? report on them, rear facing for ages... other people weren't so informed, but that's their choice. Sometimes it's through ignorance, budget, whatever, it doesn't really matter, you just have to do the best you can for your child (and possibly explain why you have made your choice to friends who are interested and ask).

Mellowyellow222 · 05/03/2022 14:14

@PaddlingLikeADuck

Thanks for the reassurance.

I haven’t had a reply

I can understand why she hasn’t replied: you are over explaining and it will come across as judgemental.

You should have simply said you prefer the high backed seats for your child. No need to over explain. Everyone knows car accidents can be tragic.

Lesperance · 05/03/2022 14:15

@Mellowyellow222

It’s absolutely fine to want your child in whoever car seat you prefer.

But the I would never forgive myself comment seems a bit OTT and probably came across as passive aggressive.

I think it’s not that you said you wanted the high backed car seat - it’s how you said it that has caused the problem.

It might have come over as passive aggressive, it was probably meant as apologetic, sort of sorry if this sounds mad to you. But OP, you shouldn't apologize, it's ok to insist.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 05/03/2022 14:19

I have a feeling she will be bitching about me at the party. I do feel dreadful.

Im dreading having to face her when she drops him off

I actually didn’t even know that it’s legal to just use the seat - I genuinely thought children had to be in HBB until a certain age?

Either way, I can’t do anything about it now and I will just hope that it won’t cause an issue. Still no reply to my text message though

OP posts:

CousinDelores · 05/03/2022 14:20

You did right op.
Alot of my friends/ family don't see the issue with forward facing (DS rear faces). Apparently kids have been forward facing for ages are fine well no, but if an accident did occur and DS was seriously injured or killed and that could have been prevent by spending a bit extra on safety/ rear facing longer/ using appropriate booster seat I would never forgive myself.
I also go one further and insist any child travelling my car whilst I drive uses one of my spares too, I know they are safe, correctly fitted and if anything does happen I know I have done everything in my power to keep them safe.

Original poster

PaddlingLikeADuck · 05/03/2022 14:24

It might have come over as passive aggressive, it was probably meant as apologetic, sort of sorry if this sounds mad to you

Yes, that’s how I meant it. I just wanted her to know that my wishes were a ‘me’ thing, it was because of issues that I have, and it was nothing related to her personally or her own choices about car seats.

OP posts:

Velvian · 05/03/2022 14:26

I think the rules have changed and children should be in HBB until 135 cm, but they can be used until about 152 cm. My 8.5 year old is still in a HBB. He is just shy of 135cm and not short in his class. DD was in hers until somewhere between 145 and 150cm.

DouglasCrood · 05/03/2022 14:27

Ah don't worry. If she's offended, she's a fool tbh. Even if she doesn't 'believe in' the benefits of a high back care seat, it isn't her place to decide on your behalf.

Fwiw, I agree with you and I don't like or use the boosters without a back. Can't remember the last time I even saw one tbh

Mellowyellow222 · 05/03/2022 14:29

I absolutely get that you were explaining yourself. But to her it probably seems like you are telling her that children can die in car accidents so you not willing to take the risks that she clearly is taking (from your view point) with her children.

It’s a really tough one because you are right to insist on the safety measure that make you comfortable - but I do think it was the I would never forgive myself over explanation that has caused her to back away from you.

Nidan2Sandan · 05/03/2022 14:31

Booster cushions have a safety rating of 0, so I dont think you are being unreasonable

My 9yo is still in a HBB and she hates it, but she is still too short to come out of it and I like the added protection

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