Booster seat - I’m worried I’ve offend my friend.

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

I have an 8 year old son who uses a high backed booster seat.

Today he’s going to a party and a friend of mine (the mother of his school friend who is also going to the party) offered to drive him there as I am unable to.

Anyway, when she came to the house I picked up my son’s car seat with the intention to put it in her car and she told me not to worry as she already has a spare in her car. She then went on to say that she doesn’t use the high back boosters and just uses the booster as a stand alone unit.

I told her that I would much prefer my son to be in a HBB seat as I wouldn’t forgive myself if something happened to him in an accident (it’s a 20 minute drive down the motorway) and so could I just put his seat in her car.

She obviously let me but she looked really startled and I’m worried I’ve offended her or she thinks I was judging her own choices in car seats (I really wasn’t).

A friend of mine had her daughter on a standard booster seat a few years ago (she was 7) and she died in a car accident due to a forceful head injury she received against the inside of her car door when they were crashed into.

I have never forgotten the utter tragedy of it and so car safety is a massive thing for me, including the protection offered to the head that HBB provide.

After my friend and the children had left I felt so guilty in case I had offended her but like I said, I would never have forgiven myself if something had happened to him when I’d let him use a booster seat just because I was too worried to speak out.

Did I overreact?

I wouldn't worry. Some people haven't researched in to car seats and are completely unaware of what is safe compared to what is legal. My 3.5 year old rear faces only and we've had to buy extra seats because the childminder only had forward facing seats for the children and I refused to let him forward face. Well done for insisting and you never know, maybe your friend will do some of their own research in to car seat safety now too.

In the kindest possible way, her choice of car seat was fine and I don't think it's unreasonable for her to feel a little offended. She hasn't experienced what you have and wouldn't think that it was necessary to put an 8 year old in a high-backed booster. Some children are tall enough to not even need a booster at 8.

I understand you want to keep your son safe, but what happened to your friend's child is so incredibly rare that it's highly unlikely to happen to your son. Perhaps you need to work on your anxiety. How will you feel when he no longer fits in the high-backed booster, which can't be far off now?

In the kindest possible way, her choice of car seat was fine

We can agree to disagree on that then. I don’t think sitting on a booster which offers no head protection is ‘fine’.

My son’s car seat as an average is designed to last until the child is 12 years old (based on height and weight of the average 12 year old I assume).

My DC fitted in hbb until they were 9.5. They came out of them at 135 cm. They are still on normal boosters at 10 as they find them more comfy and can see better 🤷‍♀️. If they need a booster for safety as under 135 then it is entirely reasonable for it to be a HBB..

I was more on your side in your first post, OP, but in subsequent posts you've sounded more and more preachy and judgmental.
Based on that, I'm wondering if you came over as similarly judgmental in your manner when speaking to the other mum. The follow up text message was also waaaay OTT and just made a mildly uncomfortable situation into a more difficult one.

@PaddlingLikeADuck

Thanks for the reassurance.

I did text her to say that I really hope she wasn’t offended by the car seat issue and that just for personal reasons I’m very particular about head protection which is why I wanted my son in his own seat and that I hope she understood.

I haven’t had a reply

I havent read the whole thread so there may be furthe rupdates but Im not surprised, she probably looked startled because she might have then wondered if she herself was doing the right thing, rather than being offended by you and the further explanation might make her feel that you are questioning her (I know you're not).

@PaddlingLikeADuck

In the kindest possible way, her choice of car seat was fine

We can agree to disagree on that then. I don’t think sitting on a booster which offers no head protection is ‘fine’.

My son’s car seat as an average is designed to last until the child is 12 years old (based on height and weight of the average 12 year old I assume).

As a slight aside, would you mind sharing the make / model of your car seat please? My 8yr old son is 146cm already- we’ve never found a seat that goes up to that size comfortably. Thanks!

YANBU
My dd was in a HBB until she couldn’t fit in it anymore. As she was tall for her age, there wasn’t much embarrassment. She was taller than 135 by 8. But was still using it at this age.

When dd was 7, a parent took dd out whilst on a play date with another 7 yo and didn’t have a booster for either child. Luckily I didn’t find out until later. She didn’t go back.

I agree with you op. Too many children killed. I’m sorry for your friend. This woman may see you as being a bit ridiculous. But equally somewhere along the line, she will probably see you being more lax than she in other areas. Different parents. Different standards. Don’t stress.

@Halllyup17

In the kindest possible way, her choice of car seat was fine and I don't think it's unreasonable for her to feel a little offended. She hasn't experienced what you have and wouldn't think that it was necessary to put an 8 year old in a high-backed booster. Some children are tall enough to not even need a booster at 8.

I understand you want to keep your son safe, but what happened to your friend's child is so incredibly rare that it's highly unlikely to happen to your son. Perhaps you need to work on your anxiety. How will you feel when he no longer fits in the high-backed booster, which can't be far off now?

It’s fine for you to do what you think is ok but this isn’t the OPs anxiety. She is just following best and safest practice. The friend’s choice of seat wasn’t fine as the OP is following the best guidance.

OP my 10 year old boy is still in a HBB because he isn’t yet 152cms. I’m not anxious, I haven’t had the awful experience with anyone I know that you have, I just prefer to follow the safest guidance. Don’t be fussed about what other people think, it’s their issue.

@PaddlingLikeADuck

In the kindest possible way, her choice of car seat was fine

We can agree to disagree on that then. I don’t think sitting on a booster which offers no head protection is ‘fine’.

My son’s car seat as an average is designed to last until the child is 12 years old (based on height and weight of the average 12 year old I assume).

I would check the maximan weight for your car seat. I mean, my 12yo is 5ft 5in and weighs 7 stone and I doubt your booster is suitable for her and she isnt off the scale big or anything for her age.

The law says 135cm or age 12, which ever comes first. Which is why your seat will say up to age 12. But after a certain weight they are no longer the safest option if your kid is over the weight limit.

My kids were rear-facing, harnessed and in HBB much longer than others. I always got questioned on my choices and was often laughed at. We even had parents say loudly, "oh look, X is STILL rear facing" in pre-school carparks. My go to reply was "it's just safer for MY child to be in this seat whereas your child may be safer in something else."

@PaddlingLikeADuck

In the kindest possible way, her choice of car seat was fine

We can agree to disagree on that then. I don’t think sitting on a booster which offers no head protection is ‘fine’.

My son’s car seat as an average is designed to last until the child is 12 years old (based on height and weight of the average 12 year old I assume).

You say you aren't judging her choices of car seat, but here you're doing just that. I don't think a follow up text was needed, she's done you a favour, she took the car seat you wanted and took your child. Just thank her for taking your child when she drops him off and don't go into your reasons.

For those who asked he’s in a Joie Elevate.

And although I said I wanted my son in his own seat, I don’t really class that as being judgemental towards her as I wasn’t judging her for the fact she uses a standard booster for her own child because it’s just personal preference. Her daughter may hate HBBs I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t want my own child in a HBB just because she doesn’t use them.

Just drop it and try not to worry about it. When she gets back say thank you for the lift and nothing about the car seat.

Perfectly reasonable to insist. I think initially she was probably just surprised, because your stance is unusual (although you are absolutely right!) - it was only over explaining that has made it seem awkward. So trying to undo that by explaining more is just going to make it worse if that makes sense.

@Firsttimecatlady
Have you seen this website?

www.madeformums.com/reviews/best-car-seats-for-really-tall-children/

First seat says up to 160cm. Dd had a kiddy, which is up to 150cm.

You will probably get a lot of resistance soon from your ds. Most kids had stopped using them by 8. Dd was 9/10 and I made it non negotiable until she stopped fitting. She loved sleeping in hers on long journeys and missed it then.

It’s an awkward situation to be in but your child’s safety is worth potentially offending someone. As long as you weren’t rude you have nothing to worry about.

Booster cushions are not fine though. DC should be in proper car seats until at least 135cm.

I've found that people get really rude and defensive about MY families choice for car seats - we ERF until nearly 4 and at 10 our DC is still in a HBB although now 146cm so will grow out of it soon. I found people, including my family, were more rude to us than us silently or vocally judging people - "you're so ridiculous"; "all children are fine just on boosters";" you're being precious first born parent ha ha ha" etc And the irony is that we did extensive reading to inform our choices and some of them (I'm looking at you, my close family member) apparently never researched ANY of it but still felt they could tell us we were in the wrong for being so 'precious'.

The law says 135cm or age 12, which ever comes first. Which is why your seat will say up to age 12. But after a certain weight they are no longer the safest option if your kid is over the weight limit.

This is not actually true for high backed boosters that use the adult seatbelt. You shouldn't overload the weight limit on a safety harness, because it might fail and that is as good as no restraint at all. But for high backed boosters that use the adult belt, the max weight limit was set at 36kg in about 1982 when I expect nobody ever dreamed of a 12 year old using a car seat, and it's never been seen as worth it to change that. Newer car seats approved to the height based regulation only need a weight limit if they have an integral harness.

Most children are still a bit too short to fit a normal seatbelt even at 135cm, and using an incorrectly fitted seatbelt is more risky than using a booster seat past the weight limit.

@Firsttimecatlady It will also be about whether he has his height in his body or legs. But try these models:

Britax - all of them (Adventure is cheap)
Maxi Cosi Rodi series (not their newer ones)
Diono (though they don't actually go any higher than the others, even though they say up to 160cm.)

Some children do get too tall for high backed boosters and another issue is that some cars don't have the roof clearance for the top settings on them. In that scenario a booster cushion is better than nothing if the lap belt doesn't fit properly.

YANBU about the HBB seat.

YABU to be messaging and expecting a reply when she's taken your child to an event (as a favour). Presumably she's too busy supervising the kids to be bothered about staring at her phone for hours and texting some inane chat.

I'm an older mum and I'll phone and speak to a person directly if I need to discuss something, but I rarely bother with pointless texting, so if it was me I'd be ignoring your texts and wait until I see you in person to have an actual conversation.

Oh and the Joie boosters, although it makes more sense to get the Trillo if you don't need the harness that the Elevate already has (for younger children). Joie Traver is especially good for bigger children as the leg rest extends nice and long so it supports them for longer.

I actually didn’t even know that it’s legal to just use the seat - I genuinely thought children had to be in HBB until a certain age?

This is true but

1. Only for booster seats sold since 2017. Anything older can legally be used from 15kg/3yo (even though this is strongly no longer advised).

1. Your 8yo is probably over the minimum guidance for using a booster cushion, most 8yos are. 125cm and 22kg.

Here is some information from Which?

www.which.co.uk/news/2021/08/are-parents-getting-the-message-about-backless-booster-seats/

You came across as overly precious, to her (He’s 8, not 2). That’s not your fault, but I think you’ve added to that impression by following it up with a text. It’s not your job not to offend people or feel the need to over-explain. The more you explain the more you sound like you were judging her in the first place, unfortunately!

I don't think she thought anything of it except that it's your own parenting choice

As for you worrying she's bitching about you that's bordering on paranoia. You sound very highly strung