Am I parenting or bullying my DC(unknowingly) any suggestions for improvements?

[Saku]

Sorry for long post to describe the situation.
I have 9 yr DS and 5 yr DD.

Problem is that DS never want to use his brain or do the things which take efforts.
I feel this behaviour of his is hindering his mental development and academics.

He want to do things either being told or just copy others.
We explain him why taking your own decisions are important but after 1 hour back to same.

If not watching TV he just loath around and passes time playing(not really). On outings he remains passive.
He sits dumb in front of screen and watch all day...... with no idea about it. I say What is the use of watching and not getting anything..

Likewise he always tries to escape from study until we insist to sit down and do.
(again a full lecture to make him realise these things are important and all other kids also study if he wants good life in future he should be serious in these things)....
then he sits for his home work........ again lethargically. End up me telling answers.

We bring some building toys or puzzle books(younger age) he gets excited but wont give try. He want us to construct and give him. If we deny ... he is not bothered for them.

We have put him in sports club where too he likes being copycat of others(I stop myself lecturing in here)

All and all every area from morning till night we see.
I tell him to correct or give suggestions how he can improve.. get better (I dont want to.. but the things which are common sense and the things which comes naturally at least)

Now a days as I start lecturing him he gets teary... which makes me very sad ..... Am I shaking his confidence?
I asked him so many times what are the things bothering him why he is not thinking or making efforts, how he wants the things to be? He says he dont know/understand; what to do or how to do so not trying.
I feel so hopeless when he gets teary I felt AM I bullying him???
I dont want to do that but I want his development mentally and academically .. is it not parenting?? is it bullying?
Then what can I do ?? He shouldn't be sitting and ignoring things but off course I dont want him teary too
Is someone has faced same? any suggestions

Pick your battles.

If you go on and on or criticise too many things then he will switch off from listening and/or have poor self esteem.

Pick one or two things which are really important and let the rest go, for now.

I have to remind myself this too.

I don't know, but I'm following to see if anyone shares any wisdom because I'm worried about not striking the right balance at the moment too!

For starters he is still only 9. He still has time to become more studious when he gets to secondary school, but also you have to appreciate, not all kids will be academic. There are always going to be less able kids. Des he find the homework too hard? Talk to his teacher about finding ways to motivate him. And then you need to find what he does like doing. Try different sports, maybe a martial art rather than a team sport? Try finding books he enjoys. Maybe make reading something that is non negotiable, that he must read every week.

I agree with picking your battles.

But also we can only help and parent the child we have not the child we would like to have or the child we wish they were

He is not an extension of you - he is a person in his own right. Your post gives a sense of the child that you want but nothing really about the child that you have.

All of the stuff that you are pushing on him is because it is things that you hold to be important (and they are) but nothing about him. It could be that he has become so used to you telling him what he should do or how to do it he has lost sense of that - and is passive.

Constant criticism will affect his confidence. This will make him engage even less. He will be afraid to make mistakes.

Sounds like he doesn’t really engage with or really enjoy anything, and that is what is worrying you?
I am quite a strict parent myself and have no problems telling my kids off, lecturing them, or delivering constructive criticism.
I would do some reading about playfulness and flow. Explore his interest. Play with him (doesn’t have to me Lego, can be any activity where you are just doing it for the fun rather than goal led)
Get into flow
Spark creativity and passions

It doesn’t sound like much fun is being had at the moment by anyone but also it can be hard when you can’t see what brings them joy, so try and find out.

The playful den on Instagram is a good start but there is lots out there if you google.

What PP is saying about parenting the child you have is really important. What you say about him wanting everything done for him or to copy others- it suggests to me that he doesn't believe he is capable and would rather watch what others do first to avoid making mistakes. That's quite a rational way to behave when you're learning something for the first time if you're afraid of getting it wrong. Children also learn a tremendous amount from watching other people do things first.

When I was a teacher, I encountered a lot of children who felt this way. One of the most effective things I found was to start by doing things together- so, with the construction toys for example, offer to have it as a family project where he helps you. Gradually encourage him to do more and more and praise any efforts he makes, even if they're small. He worries about whether he can succeed alone- so take that worry away, give him lots of help and gradually withdraw until he can do it.

Another good way if you're doing something like maths problems is a 'you do a question/I do a question' structure. So, he watches you do the first question and you talk him through exactly what you're doing so that he understands. Then he tries the next question, 'teaching' you how to follow exactly the same method that you just showed. Step in to help if he gets upset and praise even the smallest efforts until his confidence grows.

I'd stop with the discussions of WHY it's so important to pursue education at this stage. There's time for that later, it might motivate some children but I don't think it's the right approach for your child. For now, he's worried that he can't do it and he needs his confidence building. Otherwise, if you say something like 'you need to study, it's essential if you want a good job when you grow up' then he might think 'but I find it hard, I'm not going to have a good job' and it makes him feel massive pressure.

Also, I'd recommend adjusting your goals to something more realistic. If you're expecting him to become an independent and driven student right now when he's a long way off that, you're both going to be stressed. So instead, maybe ask yourself what would be just slightly better? If it's just answering one question after working together on all the others, that's still an achievement. Work towards that, praise the small things, and then gradually up your expectations as his confidence grows.

I am not sure which battles to pick ... day to day things are important and academics as well..... being interested in learning
which to choose? Please guide
For his confidence we put him in martial arts in weekends... where he is happy because he will be told ; what to do and he is happy to follow.

I know he is not very sharp .. thats why I insist him and ready to support him ...... but problem of his unwillingness..

I accept him as he is .... but should I not try to improve him... and leave if he doesn't want to.

Teacher herself complain about him for not trying or giving effort.
His homework is not hard .. if step by step I make him do ... then he does .... but the next exactly similar question he wont try by himself until I force him step by step. I cuddle love and ask will he try he says YES but he wont. He will be sitting doing nothing daydreaming until I force him.

Has he had his eye sight and hearing tested just to be sure he doesn’t need help there?

I am finding very good suggestions here which I am ready to try...... and I am soaking in ........ please keep them coming

@Pantsomime I will do that

You can't force someone to be interested in learning/academics. And he's only 9! It sounds like your constant criticism is likely having the opposite effect you're intending.

What are his interests? What does he play?

I think the truth is its fairly normal at some points in childhood for most dc but also for some it's just that they processes things in a different way and perhaps what you are seeking for him to be interested in is simply not his interest. Some children just aren't interested in academics. There's nothing wrong with that, they need to pass the basics otherwise it will impact later life but perhaps the rest of it is just not his interest.

I will gently give a warning. The constant criticism even if you see it as "correcting" is dangerous. I am in my 40's and grew up with constant "corrections". It actually created the situation you are referring to it. I couldn't do anything without my df and dm "correcting" it. They had to get involved and tweak everything.

It got the point I would genuinely sit passively because I thought it was the only way not to be criticised. In actuality once I got away from them I realised I loved academics when I was left alone to find it myself.

In fact I am now more educated than both of them, but even now I still don't tell them a lot because its constant. How I sit , how I react, even when I am doing something they approve of they still have to try to push it further.

I can remember reading little women at 6 (see where the academics actually started very early) and being fascinated by the idea that the character Beth was so loved because she was quiet and calm so I was practising what that might be like (6 year olds take things in odd ways) and my df didn't like that I was sitting quietly and doing nothing. I quite literally did absolutely nothing and I bought myself a long sit down explanation of how I should be doing more with my life. I was 6!!

I am very low contact with them at 42. Not to mention looking back I lost a lot of time because I was so constantly (and I do mean constantly....every sentence) being nagged and corrected and tweaked I lost any belief I could do anything right. So I did nothing.

A pity because as I say I was really smart, I mean really smart. They absolutely drummed it out of me to create an image they had in their heads which ironically was less accomplished than I became once I got away from them.

Walk a very careful line.

@saltedcaramelanything He is interested in all electronics things. mobile phones, thermometer, oximeter, calculators, lights, lamps, bulbs, batteries.
We bought him a little scientist kit which has little electronics items and experiment .... he just opened the box .. had look on everything but wont try the effort to read instructions and build.
If I sit with him read and tell him one by one what to do ... then he will do.
@Nietzschethehiker Ohh gosh I am very scared reading that. And thinking about my DS.

Try to follow the rule: give 5 pieces of praise for every criticism or suggestion for improvement you make.

It real works!

His life sounds pretty miserable. Why are you correcting him all day? Just let him be. He's 9.

Not everyone is academic - are you?

He must have zero confidence if you continually correct him. Please leave him be & love him for who he is.

Yes you are bullying him.

I agree. He is only 9. Let him develop at his own pace. It all sounds very intense -as if you're trying to develop his career already, when he should be playing with his friends and family. At this age, everything's a learning experience.

Both my kids were like this at 9 and are doing fine now

At this age, all they "need" is school and their homework, and other learning opportunitiesare the by product of playing. Are you trying to school him at home, in addition?

1. So I will take 1-2 step back
2. If he does mistakes so be it .. I will hold on in correcting him
3. Praise him more for any efforts he make(which I do but I will search more opportunities)
4. I will engage with him more in working together taking turns.
5. I will get his ears and eyes tested.

I am ready to improve. as I dont want to see him this way.
more suggestions are welcome

I don’t see what is wrong with you reading instructions and doing construction toys together. I see his teacher says he doesn’t try. However you don’t mention friends, sport, art or talking about trips out etc. It all seems to be about learning. I would just go and have some fun! It seems to me that his horizons are limited to all things academic.

What do the school say about his progress and attainment? What is the school doing to help? What is the plan? Does he have friends at school? Does he see them after school? I would drop the angst over the academics and do fun things.

In fact I would argue that is all they "need" at any age.

I would suggest that you stop talking at him.

Seriously. From the tone and content of your posts it sounds as though you lecture him, big long speeches, serious sit downs and talks and lectures going on. It’s too many words.

Try being quiet and still. Sit with him and enjoy what he’s doing with him in the most basic way. Don’t ask him questions about the show he’s watching. Don’t lecture him about wasting his time or interrogate him. Let him just be, for a good while. Let him breathe and daydream and idle in his mind. Give him space. Go for a walk in the woods and be quiet. Let him walk in his own way rather than showing him stuff or asking him questions or trying to make it educational. It sounds like he’s totally overwhelmed with your constant input and lectures and words words words.

Ease off dramatically. I don’t mean not to talk to him but you know, stuff like “what would you like for tea” or “I thought I’d make some cakes, would you like to help or just keep me company?” Let him have an input that’s simple and without an agenda. Stop making him think that whatever he does he can’t get it right. It might take ages to turn this round but he’s only 9. He’ll find an interest or get some confidence. Maybe he needs the box of electronic bits just to be his, to look at and take his time over, by himself. Not being watched and picked over when he doesn’t show a quick enough interest.

@allDe88 Yes, is it bad.