Am I parenting or bullying my DC(unknowingly) any suggestions for improvements?

[Saku]

Sorry for long post to describe the situation.
I have 9 yr DS and 5 yr DD.

Problem is that DS never want to use his brain or do the things which take efforts.
I feel this behaviour of his is hindering his mental development and academics.

He want to do things either being told or just copy others.
We explain him why taking your own decisions are important but after 1 hour back to same.

If not watching TV he just loath around and passes time playing(not really). On outings he remains passive.
He sits dumb in front of screen and watch all day...... with no idea about it. I say What is the use of watching and not getting anything..

Likewise he always tries to escape from study until we insist to sit down and do.
(again a full lecture to make him realise these things are important and all other kids also study if he wants good life in future he should be serious in these things)....
then he sits for his home work........ again lethargically. End up me telling answers.

We bring some building toys or puzzle books(younger age) he gets excited but wont give try. He want us to construct and give him. If we deny ... he is not bothered for them.

We have put him in sports club where too he likes being copycat of others(I stop myself lecturing in here)

All and all every area from morning till night we see.
I tell him to correct or give suggestions how he can improve.. get better (I dont want to.. but the things which are common sense and the things which comes naturally at least)

Now a days as I start lecturing him he gets teary... which makes me very sad ..... Am I shaking his confidence?
I asked him so many times what are the things bothering him why he is not thinking or making efforts, how he wants the things to be? He says he dont know/understand; what to do or how to do so not trying.
I feel so hopeless when he gets teary I felt AM I bullying him???
I dont want to do that but I want his development mentally and academically .. is it not parenting?? is it bullying?
Then what can I do ?? He shouldn't be sitting and ignoring things but off course I dont want him teary too
Is someone has faced same? any suggestions

*means School him after school ... as the teacher says he is not good thats why I school him after school to improve his academics ... is it bad ?

Yes! You are making it worse! Get the school to give him the support he needs. Try and back off at home. Ask school if he needs TA assistance in school? At home do what he might like. Do you do anything for fun as a family?

@allTizerorFizz we play board games, watch movies, go to park ; not every day but every week or so.
sometimes making art and crafts school projects together(In which he doesn't come up with ideas) but follow what being told to paint or stick.
Plays with her sister with ball etc.
Doing gardening stuff when summer........ he is happy around when he doesn't have to make efforts mentally.

@allconverseandjeans yes I and DH have been very academic with specialisation in particular area/subjects.
I admit that I have been a perfectionist (now I see may be that can be culprit) . I like things in order/done; using every bit or time not to be wasted.

1. note for me to not expect too much from him. (this makes me little down as everyone expect their child to improve in what they do)

Always been doing goal based tasks in my whole life , not any random tasks. .. using checklists .. as here also

I find this thread very informative and self realising for myself. Hope these things are going to help DS feel better. I will try my best on my behalf and control myself tempting to correct him.

OP people always say that genetics and environment make up a child.
What they forget that Yes, of course they do, BUT they need to factor in the PERSONALITY of the child.
I can readily say that because as an identical twin myself I recognize I am extrememely assertive and my sister was (RIP) very shy and sweet.
Allow him to be himself...and guide him to become confident by assisting him so that he does not faulter.
Set firm and fair boundaries.
"Johnny your homework has to be done by ( set period and be available to always speak with positive reinforcement ( Wow how did you come up with that answer! ) to move it along. and when you are done we will play with your science kit."
Do not lecture, scold or berate his lack of jumping to a task. You are instilling in him that because he has this evasive personality you are disappointed in him.
Lots of praise for a job he is attempting to tackle... of course have consequences when he blantly disregarding your instructions. But screaming and bullying won't help. He is a sensitive child.
" Johnny ( find out what he can't live without) you will NOT be able to watch TV. until the dog is walked...litter box cleaned...wastepaper basket is emptied.." And stick to it. NO TV...
Just love this child with Atta Boys He needs more than others..

Just to add...I taught Parenting classes during my career. And have had to testify in court regarding parenting.
You are great coming forward asking for advice.

@Saku
You have avoided my question re friends. Can he chill with friends? Are you always around? I would just try and avoid school art projects if you can. It’s more directed work. Have really nice things lined up to do. Get through the week and find something that he likes at the weekend.

Sounds like you need to back off a bit, he is only 9! Plenty of time for studious studying!

So what if he just kicks back and relaxes, give him small tasks inbetween but watching tv or using a tablet really isnt going to affect his prospects into adulthood.

He is 9!!!

Good on you for asking OP.

I think perhaps you do have to decide what your number one priority is: is it to raise a confident child, who knows he is loved uncritically and has a healthy sense of self esteem, or to raise a a child who becomes a high achiever? If it's the former, you will need to let him know you love him exactly how he is. If you want to keep pushing him, he may achieve more, but at the possible price of anxiety and poor self-esteem.

Try and take pleasure from each other's company - they grow up so quickly, you don't want to look back at a struggle.

[quote Saku]@allTizerorFizz we play board games, watch movies, go to park ; not every day but every week or so.
sometimes making art and crafts school projects together(In which he doesn't come up with ideas) but follow what being told to paint or stick.
Plays with her sister with ball etc.
Doing gardening stuff when summer........ he is happy around when he doesn't have to make efforts mentally.

@allconverseandjeans yes I and DH have been very academic with specialisation in particular area/subjects.
I admit that I have been a perfectionist (now I see may be that can be culprit) . I like things in order/done; using every bit or time not to be wasted.

1. note for me to not expect too much from him. (this makes me little down as everyone expect their child to improve in what they do)

Always been doing goal based tasks in my whole life , not any random tasks. .. using checklists .. as here also

I find this thread very informative and self realising for myself. Hope these things are going to help DS feel better. I will try my best on my behalf and control myself tempting to correct him.[/quote]
I understand what you mean about feeling sad about 'lowering your expectations' but perhaps try to reframe it. In the bigger picture, you're still maintaining high hopes for him. But he is still very young and feeling discouraged, so I think it's important to not set huge goals that aren't realistically achievable for him. A series of small steps can get you a long way. But if you're asking him to become an independent and driven learner, that's not realistic for him right now. Doesn't mean it won't be in the future. But for now, set little goals, help him get there and celebrate when he achieves it.

Actually a lot of people can be very happy being gardeners or making things. Not everyone is really academic. Perhaps the DS is like this. Academics tend to be fairly obvious at 9 but DS doesn’t have a line of forced learning. Maybe he’s creative? He won’t be forced if appears so enjoy life a bit.

@Equalbutdifferent

Good on you for asking OP.

I think perhaps you do have to decide what your number one priority is: is it to raise a confident child, who knows he is loved uncritically and has a healthy sense of self esteem, or to raise a a child who becomes a high achiever? If it's the former, you will need to let him know you love him exactly how he is. If you want to keep pushing him, he may achieve more, but at the possible price of anxiety and poor self-esteem.

Try and take pleasure from each other's company - they grow up so quickly, you don't want to look back at a struggle.

Brilliant comment! Absolutely Brilliant!

He’s 9 years old for heavens sake! Do you have to suck the joy out of everything? Just leave the poor boy alone :/

@Babadook76
That is a bit harsh! There isn’t joy in the op trying to help her DS with his school work! However there’s things they are enjoying.

I think you should not do school projects with him either. They are not part of the curriculum and why have even more angst? Going out and doing something as a family is better. I think your school has questions to answer too. What are they doing to help?

What happens if he has no tv? Does he take out Lego? Or draw with pen and paper? Or read some books?

1 of my kids likes reading fact books like: It can’t be true! - lots of amazing facts or joke books. The other one is a slower reader, but he will build - with Lego or Magformers. These things don’t always need instructions, he can just build a car or building or animal himself. Maybe he likes walking outside.

I’d stop the tv and watch what he does. Then you can get to know things he enjoys.

Op, sounds like you have the best intentions, but it’s your execution which is a bit off!
Relax a bit, or a lot. You can’t change him into something he’s not, or into what you think he should be. You can only nurture who he actually is. Bake a cake together, or you bake it and let him enjoy helping make a mess, that’s what kids do. Let him make mistakes without you correcting him, pretend you’re stuck with something and ask for help( even if he makes things worse, it doesn’t matter), he’ll feel more valued like he’s contributing. These little things can make a big difference

he is happy around when he doesn't have to make efforts mentally

OP, Have a look at Executive Function and Processing Speed.
Perhaps he's not 'making an effort' in your opinion because he doesn't know how to start a project and organise himself.

There's a big difference between not knowing how to do something and can't be bothered to do something, but they can present the same way to people who are not aware of them.

www.understood.org/articles/en/what-is-executive-function

www.understood.org/articles/en/processing-speed-what-you-need-to-know

OP, you sound absolutely exhausting as a

can you afford family therapy.
you are making your young child miserable.
you seem overly driven yourself.
you need to learn to relax.
to just be. not always to be doing.
try not to lecture or correct him tomorrow.
unless it;s something dangerous, just let him be.
what if he is not interested in learning ; will you not be interested in him.
does he have to earn your interest, or respect, or approval.
what about affection, love, silliness.
what will he remember of his childhood, of you, when he is old.

My instinct is to say ‘leave the poor boy alone’ I would absolutely hate to live in a house like that with everything monitored and so serious. Well done for realising that this is not right. I hope you can find a way to let him be himself and just enjoy his company. All the best.

Everyone's brains work differently. Some people like myself and your DS need to be given clear instructions on things.

Doesn’t make us dumb, just different to intellectuals like yourself. We can still be very successful.

I would suggest some reading and left brain vs right brain differences and adjust your parenting that way.

School him after school ... as the teacher says he is not good thats why I school him after school to improve his academics ... is it bad ?

Academics isn't a word.

So the poor child finds school hard work & then has more school work when he comes home?

You need to give him some space. Children learn in many different ways. Can't you do fun stuff like baking, gardening, walks & bring in for example measuring, learning about flowers & bugs, learning about nature.

Some people aren't naturally gifted academically. There's nothing wrong with that. We're all different.

Do you work or are you always there putting pressure on him?

How would you feel if every day someone was saying you were no good?

You may make him happier, if you get more involved in all the things he might like to do., as in the box of electronics you bought for him,, as in then reading through the instructions together, so he knows that you are interested in his things too. He obviously likes to be helped and guided, and taken notice of when doing things.

Some children can be slower, or reluctant to do things,, and it is better to help them on their way at home, as not always possible at school,with a class full of pupils.

You can't make him be a different person to who he is and to do so will massively undermine his confidence. You need to find ways to engage with him but also allow him down time to not think. How is he at school? With friends? Try to take you expectations and agendas away and just encourage.

OP some posters are being very harsh to you. It is clear that you re trying to do the very best for your son and that you are also open to criticism and self improvement. I think there are probably cultural differences between how you are used to seeing children raised and how kids are raised in the UK in 2022.

I have one practical suggestion: if your son is interested in electronics and how things work, try picking up some broken things at the tip (clock, radio, old stereo system, old keyboard, or even older purely mechanical things) and just letting him take them apart for fun. I used to love disassembling things and seeing their inner workings.