Trouble between wife and parents

[svar]

TL;DR: Wife cannot get over the hurt my parents have caused her and she emotionally breaks down every other day. This is taking a toll on our marriage. Seeking help and advice.

LONG post warning.

It’s been a little over three years to this marriage and we have a baby on the way. Wife is 8 months pregnant. I love my wife dearly.

Arranged marriage. Indian. There were several incidents/behaviors of my parents during the wedding planning days in India that annoyed my wife then. She was in India while I was working here in the US. Wedding planning financial discussions didn’t go well - the way it went down was that my parents subtly “demanded” that their guests be looked after well. (He’ll deny “demanding” anything, will say these things happen during wedding planning). So, asking about the accommodations to the level of wanting to check which rooms are assigned to which families who are attending the wedding. Saying big things but delivering little. This ticked off her parents as well to a point. Her dad is very humble/agreeable. Her mom pulls him back and such situations caused some clashes in her house but they never took it out on my parents - wife, feels, to this date that my parents took advantage of her family.

I should have played a bigger role during the wedding planning, and after. I gave too much control to my parents and things slipped out of hand, didn’t address the issues when they were happening allowing resentment to build in my wife.

Fast forward to shortly after the wedding. My mother gave her a tough time - being sly, sometimes offhand comments, asked her about what her mother/relatives gave her in terms of jewelry and if she brought it with her. When I asked my dad later as to why this happened, he said it was purely because she was curious, we don’t want anything for ourselves EVER. (My analysis - They know her mother pulls back on money issues and felt won’t give anything to the daughter after wedding. And this is why they were asking her.)

Parents talked to her like how they’d talk to their elder son, me - so instead of walking on eggshells and proceeding cautiously around the new bride, taking some liberties and making some comments - about her hair, why does the AC run all night in our room, why the curtains are always drawn etc, why she doesn’t eat fruits eat.

We went to India for vacay in Jan 2020 and the night we were supposed to fly back - this topic of jewelry came up and my mother escalated it, getting territorial about me, when my wife asked my mom to not yell at her son as I was trying to calm the situation down. My mother then yelled few unpleasant words and then started hyperventilating (from her own shouting) and wife said “I am not comfortable” and left the room.

We came back to the US. I sat on this issue for months, my dad and mom didn’t raise this issue either or said sorry. Days passed and my wife kept talking terms with my parents. After 4-5 months, I built the courage to tell my dad what my wife is upset about. He heard everything calmly, although denied any direct wrongdoing and foulplay. Wife oscillated between happily talking to them and periods where she’d replay each scene of her trauma again and again in her mind and breaking down.

I talked to my father again in September last year 1:1. This time much more strongly and several times. Not to my mother because I was afraid she’d withdraw and that it may further ruin things between my wife and her and that my mom will really dislike my wife for “making me think this way”. Father is a dominant personality but also emotional and has a weak spot for me. He again denied direct wrong doing and urged me to not take sides and point fingers at anyone, see situation with a calm mind.

He and mother said sorry to wife on phone. After that, they said sorry on messages. Writing out what they should have done. They say sorry to me. But for my wife - these apologies are too late, not genuine (true because I’ve helped my dad message her, write out the text etc.) enough and she’s been alone during her pregnancy with no help from in-laws.

My wife has deep seated hatred and resentment for my parents at this point and the fights are because I don’t feel the same emotion as strongly as her and only “convey” it to my parents. In my defense, I’ve yelled at my parents and made them hear the situation.

My dad wants to resolve the situation together with me side-dealing with me - guides me that pointing finger will not resolve anything, there are always two sides of a coin. Sends me reconciliatory texts, (not to my wife after she straight up told him “sorry dear FIL, I cannot forget and forgive everything so easily.”)

At this point, parents have gone radio silent after been asked to cancel their trip to the US to stay with us, I didn’t want to invite stress in my home during such a critical time. Wife has cut off from parents temporarily, so have I but I have talked a couple times. They are bruised, saying - wrongly accused of misdoings, isolated and cut out from their son, son being ruled by wife and everything just a planned scheme to cut them out.
The cut off doesn’t help for wife - she WANTS to inflict the same amount of disrespect back on to them, only then she’ll feel some respite she says.

How do I resolve this? My wife is having an emotional breakdown every other day - really harmful for the baby and her I know. When I explain to my parents, they feel accused and feel victimized by their elder son. I love both, my wife and my parents, but I love my wife a lot and want to save this marriage.

I am breaking down..

You need to choose. Your parents are bullies. She needs your wholehearted support or the relationship cannot survive. Can she seek some mh support in US, do you have friends!

Oh dear...
i think your wife needs to see a dr, the 'breaking down' daily sounds like there is more going on. Does she have friends or a support network aside from you?
Sorry I don't really understand the issue between your wife & parents. Did your parents suggest that not enough money was being spent on the wedding & this caused upset?
Also what kind of language was used by your parents towards your wife? Swearing/ unkind names?
I think it's positive that you want to support your wife so much.

The baby will be fine. I think your wife needs to see a culturally sensitive counsellor to help her accept what has happened. She may not want to forgive or have a relationship with your parents. If your wife was on Mumsnet she would be advised to go permanently no contact with your parents.

You need to speak to your parents. They have been awful to your wife while you have let this happen and now there is a grandchild on the way they expect your wife to forgive this behaviour. They need to be respectful and give it time but I doubt they will ever have a close relationship.

We don’t have a support or friends group to discuss these things in the US.

Parents did not use any foul language on wife, except once when my mother got territorial as mentioned in my original post yelling colloquially to the effect of “a new girl comes in and I have to keep serving her at her feet” and storming off from the room .

About the money issue, it’s not that they were upset about the spending on the wedding, in Indian culture historically bride is given some jewelry from her maternal home as she embarks on this new journey to a different home - symbolic of financial support as women didn’t work and earn historically. This has obviously changed in today’s generation. Parents asked her about her jewelry in a condescending and demanding tone - which was insulting

I think you need to pay for counselling for your wife (if she is willing) to help her move forward.

Your parents attempted to bully your wife. They insisted on having their own way, were very demanding, shouted to the point of being unable to breathe... they were intimidating.

That isn't a one off loss of temper or misunderstanding. It's an attitude they have towards her. They can try to behave better, but what does that achieve? They don't respect her, as is clear from how they behave. They would just be pretending to be nice for the sake of keeping you happy.

Bearing in mind we are hearing this from your point of view, she would probably describe it in more serious terms, they've behaved appallingly and are appalling people and she should not have to see them, let alone have them in her home.

There may be cultural reasons why your parents think it's ok to behave like that to a young woman. That doesn't mean she has to put up with it.

Potentially the culture shock and pregnancy may also be impacting her emotionally as well as your parents. Does she have a midwife who could refer her for counselling? Is there a community to help her feel less isolated, where is her family? Are you in the US longterm?

Perhaps tell your wife that she never has to see your parents again. Your mum sounds horrible, mercenary and interfering but they live whole continents away.
You are her husband, you have made your choice, your wife and children come first.

This sounds very complicated. Your wife is about to have a baby.

I would just pause it all for now. Just support your wife. Ask your parents for a bit of space.

And then once the baby is here and things feel
More settled m, maybe in 6 months, Could you and your wife seek a counsellor for support. Someone who understand Indian culture.

It sounds like there is deep seated hurt on both sides and this will take to resolve.

*take time to resolve

How do I get my parents to see their fault and admit to it. If only they’d simply FEEL they did mistreat her and apologize and MEAN it. They are not terrible people but they do not admit to any wrong doing here - perhaps out of ego, or a fear of their safety (I had once mentioned to them to help them understand the gravity of the situation that she could have sought legal / law enforcement recourse after what happened that night but yet she didn’t out of respect and she swallowed it all.) Whatever it is, will they ever come around? I don’t know. On top of this, they feel victimized and deliberately cut out from the relationship.

Yes we are here in the US long term. Wife’s and my parents are in India. My younger sibling and his wife are in the US as well. I have tried to get some support from him, but he is low-key on my parents side, he hears me out, but eventually says “what are we doing to move forward, that is the most important” and that “is it possible that she is misinterpreting everything”? We don’t have a support group here per se

I think its best you keep them apart.

It does not sound like your mum has been very nice to your wife. Has she prior form for being a bully?

It sounds like you are your dad are desperately trying to mend the mistakes your mother made. And I also wonder if this is a dynamic you have learned from him towards others. If you have been trained to make excuses for other peoples poor behaviour as opposed to walking away from them because they ate toxic af.

It might help you to speak with a therapist that deals with emotional abuse. To help you unpick what is healthy behaviour from parents and spouses vs what is not. So that you do not repeat the pattern with your own kids if that's what is going on.

Your wife would also benefit from talking to someone.

If I were her, I would not feel obligated to forgive someone who spoke to me rhe way your mother did. Nor would I want them around my child.

However, her attitude of wanting to hurt them back is really worrying. And again, may indicate that you have married someone with toxic tendencies, exactly the same as your mum displays. Though, it may be that she simply said this in the heat of the moment and doesn't mean it.

You would be wise to discuss codepenency with q therapist and see if it is an issue for you.

Hate, anger, vengeance, spite, one upmanship, sly digs and competitiveness are not things you see in healthy families.

You cannot fix other peoples issues, you can however learn to move away from people who are unhealthy influences in your life. And learn to recognise patterns of behaviour (such as making excuses for toxic people to others) and address them within yourself.

I am from a similar culture. Your wife and child are your priority. You need to take your focus off your parents. Conveniently, they have backed away a bit. If you do have contact, keep things superficial with them, and don't discuss your wife in any depth as her healing journey should be private. If you need to discuss incidents of the past with them, keep it factual and minimal. Your aim with them is to move forward progressively. Your parents clearly need time to reflect and come back with a better attitude. They may never feel truly sorry, but that doesn't mean they won't try hard to make amends. You need to give this a lot of time.

You might find one parent more willing to make things work, but ultimately, your wife has been insulted and you can't expect her to let go of that overnight. In time, your wife will hopefully recognise sincerity if any parent trying to make amends. Time and counselling might help reduce the hostility too. You have a baby on the way. One of the reasons I am close to my MIL is because she was the only one who gave me respite when I was desperate for sleep/help. We had a similar incident at our wedding, but that is now long forgotten.

There is hope, just be there for your wife and handle your parents with caution.

I suggest you stand back from the detail of who said what to work out the bigger picture.

Parents are routinely impolite to wife and wife deserves and expects better? Incompatible styles? Interfering?

Presume you are fairly recently married and baby is also on the way so huge changes to wife’s
life.

Could your wife be panicking that you will be led by /fall back your parents (incompatible) style / attitudes?

Perhaps it’s time to show your wife your commitment you your new family and lifestyle as well as to her. I wonder if your stated and clear commitment to her makes her feel trapped with you in your parents world …rather than Co-conductor of your new family. Talk to each other and plan your life together, your parents should not be in control now.

Honestly, considering you are coming from the point of view of defending your parents, your wife's reality must have been absolutely horrific and if I was her I wouldn't want to speak to your parents ever again.
They sound really awful, and they treated her like crap, and are now only interested because a grandchild is on the way.
I think your wife needs you to stop assuring in the fence and to support her and ensure that she has a support network and counseling to help her move on, without any expectation that she will forgive your parents, who aren't even actually sorry for their shitty behaviour!

I'm sorry that you don't have anyone to confide in off the internet. I'm glad you reached out here. There are some very wise people on here that are bound to know of what you are experiencing. Congratulations on your baby!

Firstly tell your wife that she never ever has to have your parents in her home or around her child and mean it. Tell your wife that all the decisions regarding any future contact between them is entirely her choice.
Then tell your parents that if your wife ever agree to see them in the future, they have one chance - if they are rude to her or attempt to undermine her with her child, they will not be getting a second chance.

You say she could have involved law enforcement after their behaviour, which means that what they did was very serious. Out of love for you and a misplaced sense of respect, she has chosen not to do this, but your parents still cannot see they were at fault. You can still love your parents but you are a husband and father now and you need to support your wife.
I also agree that it might help her to talk to someone completely outside of the situation to help her process events.

There are lots of cultural factors here which might help to explain why your parents have behaved in the way that they have, but regardless, I think you owe it to your wife to put her first right now. I realise how hard it will be for you to be firm with your parents, but I think you need to tell your mum very clearly that her behaviour has been unacceptable and that it needs to stop. And that if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren, she will need to treat your wife with respect.

I would also remind your parents that they arranged this marriage. You accepted their choice of a life partner, and you are now committed to being a good husband, which means supporting and defending your wife as required. It is not about serving at your wife's feet but it is about recognising that a daughter in law has rights and deserves to be treated with the same respect as any other member of the household. There is no place for the old fashioned attitudes now. Parents are not infallible. They need to accept that they are relationship for what has gone wrong.

It sounds like your wife is really struggling so I would definitely encourage the idea of some counselling (with someone who really understands the culture) and I would not try to force the relationship with your parents until she is ready. Yes, it will be very tough on your parents, but they have created this situation and you need to help them see that. The ball is now in their court to make amends.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation but your wife is about to have a baby. She needs your support. Your parents will have to accept your decision and reflect on their own actions accordingly. Personally, I would not let them see you, your wife or your child until they have demonstrated that they truly understand where they went wrong.

Your wife needs more support but not just from you. Her hormones are going crazy & she is experiencing huge changes in her life. The thing about your parents is probably too much on top of other stresses- pregnancy, moving country, leaving her family etc
I would suggest you support her to try antenatal groups such as yoga, hypnobirthing & social activities to find other future mum friends.
It may also be worth highlighting your concerns to the midwife equivalent in the US. Ask your wife If she feels able to discuss her distress with a health professional first though.
You sound caring, just keep reminding her of how much you love her, why, what Makes het so special to you. Look after the home, ask her if she needs a massage.
Also take breaks for yourself if you can.

To a previous commenter, no, mom hasn’t been a bully before. She has been bullied by her sister in law (dad’s brother’s wife) so that MAY explain things, but I understand they don’t justify them. She’s mostly been second fiddle to my dad, who’s mainly called the shots and she’s played the doting wife.

Yes, there are several cultural ways to explain why my parents behaved the way they did. It doesn’t matter though because wife felt disrespected and it’s not like she’s making up things in her mind.

Parents say we’ve said sorry, we’ve done what you’ve asked us to do, can’t she move on? Well she can’t cuz it’s really deep resentment.

I cannot speak to my mum in the tone you suggested - she’s just a ball of emotions and she may flare up further. On top of this she has chronic hypertension, blood sugar and can fall sick easily.

But yes, I need to let my wife know I am here for her and full support and I need to define what that looks like. Even when she’s not talking to them, she recounts all the injustices that have happened to her almost everyday and get super anxious and irritated about the day she WILL meet my parents next. The cut off isn’t helping her - the only thing that will give her respite is if I pick up the phone and insult my parents the same way they did to her or worse , basically “stand up” for my wife

Your wife needs help, but who can blame her for being so miserable? Your parents are horrible. Demeaning, bullying arseholes. I wouldn't see or speak to them again if I were your wife, and I can't even imagine how horrible your mother will be to her once the baby is here. All she will do is put down, criticise and bully her. Your wife is probably sick at the thought of them ever coming to her home.

Your parents are the ones who have ruined this. Don't expect your wife to just tolerate it to make you happy.

"The cut off isn’t helping her - the only thing that will give her respite is if I pick up the phone and insult my parents the same way they did to her or worse , basically “stand up” for my wife"

Your parents are absolutely in the wrong, but your wife is demanding you engineer some kind of dramatic show down with your parents to prove yourself to her. That is wrong too. Family dynamics are complicated but you don't need to cause a scene to 'prove' you love her and will stand up for her - you're wife her, continents away from your parents, she has already won.

I would just gently and repeatedly tell her you love her, you will support her, but you are not going to have the kind of showdown she demands. It serves no purpose after than vengeance, and no one needs that.

You have an arranged marriage and yetmyour parents are acting as if your wife's family are not rich enough/good enough. Domyoumknow what is behind this?

Jownhave your parents been tomyour brother's wife?

Havem you explicitly said to,your wife that your parents wont be coming to stay, not when the baby is norn or in the future, unless things change and she agrees? She must be feeling terribly anxious about having them mistreat her in her own home, when she had a new baby and no support system.

Are you sending money back to India ?

(Sorry for awful typing )

Have you tried reassuring her that she doesn't have to see your mum again, until she is ready to?

Obviously the way forward does not involve shouting at your mum- that will just make things worse.

Don't try and mend the rift- the people involved need to do that.
You could explain to your mum that your wife is deeply hurt and not ready to see her. That she can't be expected to see someone who has verbally attacked her. You could suggest she be patient and wait until your wife feels secure enough to risk meeting her again.

You need to tell your wife to forget about your parents, that they aren't here and she doesn't need to worry about them. She needs to worry about looking after herself and the baby. That you won't -and you mustn't- pressure her to see them again.

Your wife won't stop feeling angry and hostile until she knows she's no longer at risk of attack.