TL;DR: Wife cannot get over the hurt my parents have caused her and she emotionally breaks down every other day. This is taking a toll on our marriage. Seeking help and advice.
LONG post warning.
It’s been a little over three years to this marriage and we have a baby on the way. Wife is 8 months pregnant. I love my wife dearly.
Arranged marriage. Indian. There were several incidents/behaviors of my parents during the wedding planning days in India that annoyed my wife then. She was in India while I was working here in the US. Wedding planning financial discussions didn’t go well - the way it went down was that my parents subtly “demanded” that their guests be looked after well. (He’ll deny “demanding” anything, will say these things happen during wedding planning). So, asking about the accommodations to the level of wanting to check which rooms are assigned to which families who are attending the wedding. Saying big things but delivering little. This ticked off her parents as well to a point. Her dad is very humble/agreeable. Her mom pulls him back and such situations caused some clashes in her house but they never took it out on my parents - wife, feels, to this date that my parents took advantage of her family.
I should have played a bigger role during the wedding planning, and after. I gave too much control to my parents and things slipped out of hand, didn’t address the issues when they were happening allowing resentment to build in my wife.
Fast forward to shortly after the wedding. My mother gave her a tough time - being sly, sometimes offhand comments, asked her about what her mother/relatives gave her in terms of jewelry and if she brought it with her. When I asked my dad later as to why this happened, he said it was purely because she was curious, we don’t want anything for ourselves EVER. (My analysis - They know her mother pulls back on money issues and felt won’t give anything to the daughter after wedding. And this is why they were asking her.)
Parents talked to her like how they’d talk to their elder son, me - so instead of walking on eggshells and proceeding cautiously around the new bride, taking some liberties and making some comments - about her hair, why does the AC run all night in our room, why the curtains are always drawn etc, why she doesn’t eat fruits eat.
We went to India for vacay in Jan 2020 and the night we were supposed to fly back - this topic of jewelry came up and my mother escalated it, getting territorial about me, when my wife asked my mom to not yell at her son as I was trying to calm the situation down. My mother then yelled few unpleasant words and then started hyperventilating (from her own shouting) and wife said “I am not comfortable” and left the room.
We came back to the US. I sat on this issue for months, my dad and mom didn’t raise this issue either or said sorry. Days passed and my wife kept talking terms with my parents. After 4-5 months, I built the courage to tell my dad what my wife is upset about. He heard everything calmly, although denied any direct wrongdoing and foulplay. Wife oscillated between happily talking to them and periods where she’d replay each scene of her trauma again and again in her mind and breaking down.
I talked to my father again in September last year 1:1. This time much more strongly and several times. Not to my mother because I was afraid she’d withdraw and that it may further ruin things between my wife and her and that my mom will really dislike my wife for “making me think this way”. Father is a dominant personality but also emotional and has a weak spot for me. He again denied direct wrong doing and urged me to not take sides and point fingers at anyone, see situation with a calm mind.
He and mother said sorry to wife on phone. After that, they said sorry on messages. Writing out what they should have done. They say sorry to me. But for my wife - these apologies are too late, not genuine (true because I’ve helped my dad message her, write out the text etc.) enough and she’s been alone during her pregnancy with no help from in-laws.
My wife has deep seated hatred and resentment for my parents at this point and the fights are because I don’t feel the same emotion as strongly as her and only “convey” it to my parents. In my defense, I’ve yelled at my parents and made them hear the situation.
My dad wants to resolve the situation together with me side-dealing with me - guides me that pointing finger will not resolve anything, there are always two sides of a coin. Sends me reconciliatory texts, (not to my wife after she straight up told him “sorry dear FIL, I cannot forget and forgive everything so easily.”)
At this point, parents have gone radio silent after been asked to cancel their trip to the US to stay with us, I didn’t want to invite stress in my home during such a critical time. Wife has cut off from parents temporarily, so have I but I have talked a couple times. They are bruised, saying - wrongly accused of misdoings, isolated and cut out from their son, son being ruled by wife and everything just a planned scheme to cut them out.
The cut off doesn’t help for wife - she WANTS to inflict the same amount of disrespect back on to them, only then she’ll feel some respite she says.
How do I resolve this? My wife is having an emotional breakdown every other day - really harmful for the baby and her I know. When I explain to my parents, they feel accused and feel victimized by their elder son. I love both, my wife and my parents, but I love my wife a lot and want to save this marriage.
I am breaking down..