Downsides of three - talk me down plz

[Bluffysummers]

So I’ve just had my second baby and he’s been night and day from my first. Everything has felt easier, yes it’s a bit chaotic when they both are at home but DH has staged his return to work so much so that dc2 will be 3 months before he does a full week and honestly it’s worked out so well for both of us. Dc 2 has been truly healing for both so us.

But I just get the feeling our family isn’t quite complete. Maybe I’ll feel different when he’s more active and I’m running around after 2. My main reason for feeling like this is I recently lost my dad and i have a v strained relationship to my own brother (he’s a very difficult personality and we were raised in a competitive environment, but I digress) and I do wish I had close siblings that I could count on to get through the tough times, not just bereavement but in general.

I’m trying to be very balanced in how to think about it but it’s just a feeling inside. I had 2 years between Dc1 and 2 so I know id like them both in school if we had a third, which means I’d be 36. I’ve also rationalised away some of the typical ‘cons’ of 3. I’ll put them below.
Cost- dh just got a huge promotion and pay rise. I’ll be looking to move up when I go back to work and I’d want to be working at least 3 years before falling preggo again. Family tickets are 2 adults 3 children in most places I’ve looked lately
House- we have a 4 bed already. Large spare double room could be shared for 2 of the same sex and we’d still get to keep the office.
Car- car is a lease and we could lease a 7 seater and keep our run around
Childcare- if older 2 are in school it’s not too bad

Cons I’m so so on -
My age if we did go for a third. I’d be 36 (I have quite a high ovarian reserve but I know the risk of trisomies rises and it’s apparently harder to conceive post 35 and would I feel worse physically? Saying that I know a lot of women have kids post 35 and feel fine and dandy

• potential for a loss
• 3 being an odd number- but I’ll raise my children v differently from how my parents raised me
• I’ve heard 3 kids is the most challenging

What else am I not thinking of? I know it might seem a long way off but I’m a dreamer and a planner.

Anyone else felt their family wasn’t quite complete and decided to go for it? Do you regret it ? Was it harder or easier than you anticipated? Were there any surprises? Did it make you want to have a 4th?

I found having 2 easy until my youngest got to about 6 months and wasn’t napping so much and he’d wake much easier when my eldest made a noise. Maybe wait til youngest is a few months older and see how you find it.

Yeah you’re probably right!

I’m probably in an idyllic baby haze but I’m just painting this picture in my head of 3. I’ll start to get my mind set on it lol

I've got three, they are 7, 4 and 8 months and you should do it!! I thought it would be such a struggle but it's honestly not and if you have the space and money then why not?!

Twins. My parents went from 2 to 4.

The reason why I'll never have a third.

Apparently twins are more common with age as well. Don't know how true that one is though.

With DC2 the first 6 months were a breeze compared to first time round, even with DC2 having an awful 4m sleep regression. Once DC2 was mobile and vocal, life felt much more busy! They are now 3 and 6 and I definitely don't have the mental energy for another one.

How much more costly is it @Clairelucyr? I find these things are often an economies of scale sort of thing. With dc2 because theyre so close in age we’ve just ended up using everything again from the car seat to the clothes to the next to me (new mattress)?

With DHs job and me In work our before tax is 85k, when the kids are out of nursery we’ll be £650 a month better off, this next year with 2 little ones of nursery age will be the most expensive even with 30 free hrs.

I have three and it's wonderful. When I told my boss I was expecting my third she actually cheered and her words have always stuck with me. She said your life and the dynamic in your family is about to change in wonderful ways that you never thought possible. Three children in a family are a huge blessing to each other.

She was absolutely right!

3 is brilliant. That's it really. Sorry

Costly dc are not babies.

They are teenagers. Their shoes are expensive, their hobbies are expensive. Laptops, textbooks, bus passes. They eat LOADS in the house and out for meals. Driving lessons are £30. Car insurance is £1000. Then university.

Not that I don't think you shouldn't have a third child for financial reasons but the expensive part of rearing a child is not the baby years,

@FlossMoss

Costly dc are not babies.

They are teenagers. Their shoes are expensive, their hobbies are expensive. Laptops, textbooks, bus passes. They eat LOADS in the house and out for meals. Driving lessons are £30. Car insurance is £1000. Then university.

Not that I don't think you shouldn't have a third child for financial reasons but the expensive part of rearing a child is not the baby years,

This right here is what I need to hear, talking me down from my day dreaming.

Although the day dreamer in me is saying, DH can teach them in part to drive and our salaries should have increased again by the time they’re teens. Who knows if Uni as we know it will be a ‘thing’ like it is now. We live close to 4 unis (same city) so they could easily live at home and go to save on cost. Am I idealising here?

My friends who have three always say everything is for fours, from holidays to packets of chicken, so you have to factor up.

Parents of 3 how did you find the dynamic? Was someone always left out? Did you feel outnumbered?

@itwasntaparty I’ve even rationalised away that with air bnbs abroad and the fact we get local meat from a butcher 😭

I have 3 - never felt done with 2. Always wanted 3. They are 13, 10 and 7 now. I don’t regret it one bit but the two things are -

1. It simply is more work. You have an extra person with needs & dynamics to factor in. Not particularly the baby/toddler stage but the primary years & teens when things happen & you need to be there for them.

1. The money. Economies of scale do not apply for 3 x swimming lessons, 3 x football lessons, 3 x residentials etc etc. Two of mine have an expensive hobby which doesn’t help!

Good point on hobbies @DistrictCommissioner! Although I would still say that’s kind of economies of scale as those who couldn’t afford it, just don’t have hobbies let alone expensive ones.

I definitely want my kids to have hobbies though, swimming, gymnastics and self defence for my girl and swimming, self defence and probably either football or cricket for my boy (dh loves them) so I could imagine that’s quite costly

But what is they don't want to live close by? It's up to them. My 2nd child has been so difficult as a toddler, I would never consider a third!

I would guess it’s what’s viable at that moment in time, in about 10 years Uni went from 1k per year to over 9 and grants were slashed and loans were privatised, who knows if the ‘everyone goes to Uni’ thing will exist in the next 15+ years or if it will become more Americanised, scholarships and crippling loans.

Tbh it would be what’s viable, regardless of 2/3 it may not be viable/ wise to be able to fund Uni away from home

Not sure that’s economies of scale, more not having enough resources to go around!

Bloody expensive when you multiply everything by 3.

Pain in the arse to fit all the car seats in the car when small and when big pain in the arse to fit all these proper sized people in the car.

Family tickets are usually the 2 plus 2.

Family rooms are always 2 plus 2 in hotels so a life of needing to book an extra room or sneaking a child in with a sleeping bag and camping mat.

But 3 is joyful which more than makes up for any of the above.

@DistrictCommissioner

Not sure that’s economies of scale, more not having enough resources to go around!

I thought it was insofar as if you earn more you’re more likely to spend more and part of that spending money included hobbies for kiddos.

I know some families with 6 kids and sole income families with the earner earning max 30k a year (no benefit fraud) and they’d claim they’re quite comfy. Yet my parents who earned triple that would claims they struggled with 2.

Climate catastrophe, climate refugees, food and water shortages, UK soil degradation, more consumers worsening the planet and also having to endure decades of suffering.

@NowEvenBetter

Climate catastrophe, climate refugees, food and water shortages, UK soil degradation, more consumers worsening the planet and also having to endure decades of suffering.

I need to read into this more as I read an article on vox that called the evidence behind the no more than 2 children theory into question

I find with a 5, 2 yr old and baby that I feel I don’t have time to spend individually with them and I feel guilty, I don’t regret 3rd and it’s early days yet but just remember more children are more work and you need a DH who’s up for that as much as you are. Doesn’t help mine are not yet in school. I’m 36 now and Three will be enough although once upon a time I wanted 4, I don’t think I could do them all justice!

It's wonderful but so exhausting! I say that as a mum of 3 under 5 though. I'm sure it will get easier, and more expensive ha.

I have 3. My 3rd is an absolute demon child but I adore her and do not regret her for 1 second. Everything is more expensive. The car seat stage is a pain. School uniform time is very costly. School pantomime trip at Christmas cost me 75quid. 3 x swimming lessons, 3x sports/dance. Lugging 3 kids to each of their activities is a ballache if you've got no childcare. Forever at a kids birthday party too!

But mine play together so well, the eldest always helps the younger ones. Theyre really close and always look out for each other. Mine are close in age and at school, they really do take care of each other. Theyre funny and there is always one to cuddle. It really is a blessing.

I must say too, you really do need to be on the ball with 3 once they get to school. Money for this, costume for that, bring a cardboard box etc. Not to mention birthday parties, afterschool clubs and activities
Mine each have their own calander so I can keep track of it all.