Downsides of three - talk me down plz

[Bluffysummers]

So I’ve just had my second baby and he’s been night and day from my first. Everything has felt easier, yes it’s a bit chaotic when they both are at home but DH has staged his return to work so much so that dc2 will be 3 months before he does a full week and honestly it’s worked out so well for both of us. Dc 2 has been truly healing for both so us.

But I just get the feeling our family isn’t quite complete. Maybe I’ll feel different when he’s more active and I’m running around after 2. My main reason for feeling like this is I recently lost my dad and i have a v strained relationship to my own brother (he’s a very difficult personality and we were raised in a competitive environment, but I digress) and I do wish I had close siblings that I could count on to get through the tough times, not just bereavement but in general.

I’m trying to be very balanced in how to think about it but it’s just a feeling inside. I had 2 years between Dc1 and 2 so I know id like them both in school if we had a third, which means I’d be 36. I’ve also rationalised away some of the typical ‘cons’ of 3. I’ll put them below.
Cost- dh just got a huge promotion and pay rise. I’ll be looking to move up when I go back to work and I’d want to be working at least 3 years before falling preggo again. Family tickets are 2 adults 3 children in most places I’ve looked lately
House- we have a 4 bed already. Large spare double room could be shared for 2 of the same sex and we’d still get to keep the office.
Car- car is a lease and we could lease a 7 seater and keep our run around
Childcare- if older 2 are in school it’s not too bad

Cons I’m so so on -
My age if we did go for a third. I’d be 36 (I have quite a high ovarian reserve but I know the risk of trisomies rises and it’s apparently harder to conceive post 35 and would I feel worse physically? Saying that I know a lot of women have kids post 35 and feel fine and dandy

• potential for a loss
• 3 being an odd number- but I’ll raise my children v differently from how my parents raised me
• I’ve heard 3 kids is the most challenging

What else am I not thinking of? I know it might seem a long way off but I’m a dreamer and a planner.

Anyone else felt their family wasn’t quite complete and decided to go for it? Do you regret it ? Was it harder or easier than you anticipated? Were there any surprises? Did it make you want to have a 4th?

@QuillBill

Regardless though we wouldn’t pay out of pocket for university education, provide top ups perhaps but wouldn’t be paying flat out, it’s just not feasible. Likewise getting dcs on the property ladder, tokens towards fees but not chunks for a deposit unless we win the lottery, that’s would be the same for 1 or 6 lol

I think it's easy to say 'we would want them to live at home for university and we wouldn't be paying out of pocket for university ' when you are years and years away from the situation.

In the same way that you want them to be happy and fulfilled when you are pushing them on a swing when they are three, you still want them to be happy and fulfilled when they are seventeen.

I don't see the point of listening to bloody Biff and Kipper and taking them to gymnastics three times a week for years and years and then saying 'well I know you want to do costume design at Aberdeen but it's art at Kings for you my boy.'

Is it though? My parents didn’t pay out of pocket for me for uni, i had student loans nor did they give me a deposit for a house, I saved myself. Think these are just parenting choices. We’d absolutely pay any defect in education but there does need to be realism. How many people on MN pay out of pocket for all of their childrens Uni? I’d be v surprised if many did. I wanted to do a masters degree there was a choice between my home Uni where I had a scholarship for, university of Oxford (expensive to live plus a college and tuition fee) and kings in london (higher tuition and cost of living) and my parents said sorry but we can support Oxford and london due to cost. I think this is more than fair.

We have savings for each of our kids, that’s all the money we’ve been given as gifts for them, their CB (split equally) and some money we put away. We’ll give them the option of what they want to do with that. Although I really would discourage splashing it on a big lavish wedding.

Thanks @brightondreams I’ll look at the links :)

3 is the magic number.

My eldest are the same sex and are 8 years older than my youngest so I guess our dynamic is different to how yours would be. The older ones adore her.

In the nicest possible way, you aren't going to get a fair answer here. If you ask someone with 3 if they are happy with 3, OF COURSE they will say it is worth it (I have 3 - unplanned because the "2nd" baby was twins). Have you ever met anyone who would wish one of their children away? Those children are here and we love them! But that doesnt mean that 3 is definitely the right decision.

I agree. All the replies on here clearly demonstarte this. I guess my answer is also biased because there is no way that I would have wanted three children. I have never felt broody in my life.

I have 5yr old twins and would love a third, I don't feel "done" but my husband absolutely doesn't. My twins are non identical so that increases my risk of further multiple pregnancies and I'm 35 which increases it again. We won't have anymore but I'd love to.

*Is it though? My parents didn’t pay out of pocket for me for uni, i had student loans nor did they give me a deposit for a house, I saved myself. Think these are just parenting choices. We’d absolutely pay any defect in education but there does need to be realism. How many people on MN pay out of pocket for all of their childrens Uni? I’d be v surprised if many did. I wanted to do a masters degree there was a choice between my home Uni where I had a scholarship for, university of Oxford (expensive to live plus a college and tuition fee) and kings in london (higher tuition and cost of living) and my parents said sorry but we can support Oxford and london due to cost. I think this is more than fair.

We have savings for each of our kids, that’s all the money we’ve been given as gifts for them, their CB (split equally) and some money we put away. We’ll give them the option of what they want to do with that. Although I really would discourage splashing it on a big lavish wedding.*

You're fine then. I think you are pretty much set on having three!

My husband is the eldest of 3, with 2 younger sisters. He was extremely close to elder sister until the baby (still very much the baby despite chasing down 40) arrived.

From that day on, he felt pushed out and superfluous. I adore my in-laws but they definitely created a family life that 'othered' my husband.

I would personally never consider a third child. I've got two hands - so max 2 kids.

As it goes, for a PP, I am one of those rare parents who can simultaneous love & cherish DC2 and admit that I should have stopped at 1. I adore DC2 - who is kind and loving and wonderful. But it's been incredibly difficult, and has taken a lot from DC1 that I never wanted them deal with.

I like you felt the family was incomplete after my second (boy). I knew I wanted just one more. We had our 2nd girl and she's such a joy. She is so independent and I feel as though this is because she sees her brother and sister do things and wants to copy. At times it can be stressful but it gets easier. She's now 3 and started preschool in a primary school. Do what you feel is right.

We have three, I always wanted three. However it does make things harder - if we weren’t financially in a good position I would think twice. Cars cost more… we are on our second Q7 and I dont see me being able to move away from a big 7 seater for a long time, holidays cost a lot more… they cost more on activities etc. Unfortunately a lot of it comes down to cost.

If you can afford it go for it - you won’t regret it but you may regret not having a third.

Honestly going from 2 to 3 was easier than 1 to 2 but we are super laid back.

@Bluffysummers we have 3. Like you our two have two years between them (exactly 30 months). I agonised about a third for ages, I wanted to make sure I wanted a child not a baby. Bearing in mind that my kids never slept, first had allergies, eczema, tongue tie but second had none.
I also thought about the cost of holidays, extra rooms etc and decided another child is worth the expense. Finally decided when kids were 5 and 7, baby was born 9 months later with older kids being 5.9 and 8.4 months.

We decided on this gap because I didn't want them any closer so I can give more attention to them. Baby is 9 months on Monday and I'm still on mat leave so spend the morning with the baby until the older two come home. Also the age gap means we have two years of paying for older two and then a break of 4 years before paying the same for the baby.

With regards to expenses our two cost us around €350 a month in activities and they're not expensive activities- football, rugby, Taekwondo, swimming and tennis. Can't imagine how much more it will cost if we have another activity for another child.

Cars- currently we have two hatchbacks and as DH is still wfh we haven't bought a bigger car although we did have to buy three brand new car seats (two slim Besafe Izi high back boosters and a Joie Tilt) to fit in the car and it just about fits.

We have a 4 bed house and two older kids share a room by choice so DH still has an office and the baby is in the smallest room.

I always felt someone was missing at the table and now I feel so content. It is a lot of work but the feeling of contentment and seeing them all together makes it worth it.

I'd say give yourself time to think about it and decide either way.

Forgot to add my third was born 3 weeks before I turned 35, older two were mid and late twenties.

Well @QuillBill ds was a little sleep thief last night and a spewaraus rex he may be sobering my up it’s a wait and see. I found it hardest going back to work and parenting so we’ll see lol 😂

re-reading biff etc
I was a childminder can you imagine how many times I read children's stories
thank goodness they have new ones
My pet hate was Thomas the Tank Engine - boring.....that was dh book
Mind we both can quote pages from the Cat in the Hat. it was to cold etc etc