DD says she dislikes her dad (DH)

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My DD is forever saying she doesn't like or love her dad. I'm around all the time and know he does nothing to her other than perhaps lacking in emotional understanding and skill in gentle parenting. DH was once the one who didn't do the telling off much but I think he's felt it's more necessary as she's got older.

For example, she got sternly told off by DH for wiping her face on DH's sleeve at the dinner table. DD was tired anyway as she fell asleep on the sofa not long after but had left the table in tears and refused to go back to sit next to DH. DH refuses to apologise for his sudden telling off, DD is then crying too much that it's past the point of being able to reason with her about why she got told off. I suggested to both that next time DH cooks, maybe napkins could be left on the table for all and then DD could use one instead of wiping on clothes as it's a better choice. End of fiasco for all.

DD is in bed the next night then says she loves me and daddy didn't need to be around. Lots of trying to push his buttons about how she doesn't like him or love him and he's mean, etc. DH told her that made him a little bit sad but he still loved her.

They do lots together (especially as I'm sick with HG) and every now and then he'll take her out for a meal - as we both would do once in a while just the two of us. There's never any complaints when they're doing activities or have just finished an activity. She's always excited to fill me in on the details.

I thought it was performative when it started 2 years ago but she still says it when she's not tired or when we're alone and she's now 4. I can't figure out if it's a conflict of our parenting styles the fact I have made no secret to her that she's number 1 or just a phase.

Any advice?

Does your DH enjoy spending time with her? Does your DD enjoy spending time with him?

Maybe she feels always told off by him and never praised. Maybe she feels like she's always waiting for the next telling off from him.

To be fair it was disgusting for her to wipe her nose on him.

I guess they just continue their nice days out, and he continues to tel her that it make him sad when she says that stuff but he still loves her. I think that was a good response to hearing something so hurtful.

He enjoys her company, often tells her she's amazing and praises her a lot.

There have been a couple of times he's moaned about a suggestion of taking her shopping with him because I'm home (whilst sick). That's more recent and this definitely started before.

My two wouldn't sit next to someone who'd just told them off either and they are 6 and 8!

DH is the favourite in this house but he always pulls them up on being horrible to me, or he'll tell them that I do all the boring stuff like making sure they have clean clothes and they need to appreciate me more. He will also pull me up if I'm unreasonably snappy. Basically he's very fair and makes it clear we are a team - do you do anything similar?

It’s pretty normal I would say. Best ignored.
4 is old enough to know not to wipe her face on her Dads clothes. She probably should have said sorry. If too upset due to tiredness the best remedy is off to bed for an early bedtime.
Small children know exactly what to say and will have a good go at running the narrative if they think they are in trouble.
I would just calmly say that’s unkind to Daddy to say you don’t love him. Of course you love him.
Unwise to undermine your DH in front of your DD - she will see and notice this.
Parents need to be on the same page or children will use it to their advantage.
It sounds like it’s an attention thing. Best ignored or quick subject change. Eg let’s read a book.

@RunningFromInsanity

To be fair it was disgusting for her to wipe her nose on him.

I guess they just continue their nice days out, and he continues to tel her that it make him sad when she says that stuff but he still loves her. I think that was a good response to hearing something so hurtful.

It was her mouth, she had food on it and I think it's more of a sensory urge to sort it as she doesn't like dirty hands or face. I think the only reason she didn't do it to herself is she had a vest on. It's something we're working on but I do agree it wasn't right for her to do.

How old is DD, OP?

Are you a very lenient parent? Does DH feel he has to do some discipline/parenting because you let her get away with a lot?

the fact I have made no secret to her that she's number 1

What does this mean?

Love bomb time imo. I have a 4yr old Dd too. When she says "I don't like mummy/daddy" it's usually pushing our buttons because she wants attention. I think he should spend some one on one time with her doing something she really enjoys ans just totally love bomb her. It'll pass

Instead of denying how she feels or accepting it, have you tried asking why she feels this way? Can she articulate that?

There’s a beautiful book by Philippa Perry called ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ and it’s fantastic for trying to understand your children’s inner world and building a connection with them. Especially if your DH lacks skills in gentle parenting, it could really help him make some progress in that area.

You may never find out why she needs to verbalise that she doesn’t like her dad, but she is clearly trying to communicate something here. Once she feels understood, your connection will grow.

You have a lot of empathy for DD, OP. Does your DH?

I have made no secret to her that’s she number 1

Does this mean you’ve let her think she rules the roost?

Perhaps you need to make sure you each have a napkin or a piece of kitchen roll when you sit down for a meal.

Does he do any of the emotional nurturing- hugs, bedtime cuddles, listening to woes, dealing with bumps and bruises? Does he tell her that he loves her?

DD is in bed the next night then says she loves me and daddy didn't need to be around. Lots of trying to push his buttons about how she doesn't like him or love him and he's mean, etc. DH told her that made him a little bit sad but he still loved her.

This sounds oddly matter of fact. My dc would say something like that to dh but he would goof around with them or tease them a bit. It’s just light hearted.

Is he warm with her?

She was quite reasonably told off for wiping her face on her dad's clothes, no-one likes to be told off! The solution to the original situation would be her asking for a cloth or a wipe, but you have laid it back at your husband's door to put napkins out, do you often do that? Maybe your daughter is picking up on that.

She's four. Ignore.

If she's got a little sibling on the way, buckle up.

She shouldn't be thinking she's number one. She's an equal member of the family. Stop letting her think she's more important it's making her a little bit nasty towards your Dh and doing her no favours.
She needs to be more polite and apologise when she does silly things like wipe her dirty face on someones clothes and hurt their feelings says she doesn't like them.

Small DC can be very manipulative. They like to think that they rule the roost and they know which buttons to push. I've noticed this in my own dgd.

@waterproofed

You have a lot of empathy for DD, OP. Does your DH?

I don't think he has particularly. He didn't like me comforting DD after I'd told her off in the past. I had to explain you can't wall your child out or ignore them asking for a hug because they did something they shouldn't have done. Once you've told them off, they understand and have calmed down with an apology, it's done in my opinion.

He doesn't ever think about why something may have happened until she's in bed and by then it's too late. For example, she was hurting him by standing on his leg (something which he'd usually allow or encourage) he kept saying get off and then threatened to put her toy in the bin when she wouldn't say sorry. Again, this was wrong of her not to apologise (although she always does eventually) but he proceeded to pretend to throw it in the bin. DD then hit him and he couldn't see how it might have been escalated things with the toy.

For a PP, I'm not the lenient one, no. That used to be DH who would ignore behaviour for an easy life sometimes. A family member was on the phone recently and remarked how even though I was having a nice conversation, my disciplining took precedent and they could hear I meant business. When she was 3, she once demanded a sweet, I said no but she could have a biscuit because she needed it anyway (CMPA ladder), she stamped on it in rage and then when she realised there would be no sweet, she wanted another biscuit and I said no and let her calm down before explaining things.

Re number 1 - since she was a baby I'd say she was my favourite in the entire world. She'd often ask of everybody and I'd say yes. I never expected another so will use the book 'you're all my favourites' soon enough.

They spend a lot of time together lately because I've been so poorly but it's not helped.

Maybe we’re too soft but we wouldn’t have told off a 4 year old for the wiping thing, or not harshly. There would be a bit of “ooh gross” or “can I wipe my mouth on you?” teasing.

You can make the boundaries clear without being mean about it. It’s just a tired little person doing something daft on the spur of the moment.

My Dd was very much like this and we never really got to the bottom of it, but it gradually faded away and is much less of a thing now. She's 7.

Your DH needs to be more responsive emotionally and more mature.

I find it really quite sad when people on threads like these call small children manipulative or wanting to rule the roost, girls especially. It’s often because their own emotional needs were ignored in childhood and they were made to feel bad for expressing emotions.

Very young children don’t have capacity to manipulate adults who are hugely more experienced in relationships than the kids could ever hope to be, when they are just learning the ropes and have been on this planet all of 5 minutes.

Of course children can elicit extreme emotions in adults, but that is often because of how we were treated as children ourselves. Your DH comes across as a little emotionally immature. Is he willing to put the work in to do better by your DD?

@deeplyrooted

Maybe we’re too soft but we wouldn’t have told off a 4 year old for the wiping thing, or not harshly. There would be a bit of “ooh gross” or “can I wipe my mouth on you?” teasing.

You can make the boundaries clear without being mean about it. It’s just a tired little person doing something daft on the spur of the moment.

Yes this is it for me. I agree it's wrong but couldn't get worked up other than 'yuck!' then ask what she could have done differently next time and asked if a tissue was needed. I laid the napkin thing with DH to kind of explain what might have caused it from her side too - essentially trying to balance both sides. I was always given kitchen roll or a napkin at dinner.

Parenting is on the same page otherwise so if she says "daddy said this..." I'd ask why she thought he said that and explain or just back him up and reinforce that's his decision.

I don't let DD think she can rule the roost, no. Her opinion isn't above anyone else's, nor are any demands, etc.

Also, no such thing as a family being too soft. Families should be a soft place to fall.

This does not mean there is no discipline and no boundaries, as these are also crucial for wellbeing.

But why be harsh? The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.