AIBU - argument with dw over moving dd yoga ball while she was dancing on rug

[Whiteminnowfish]

Basically that...dd7 was dancing on rug and videoing it with my phone. Yoga ball was to the left of her so I picked it up to move it at the back of the room. But I had to walk past dd7 to do it.
Dd got angry and upset and hit me.

Dw started shouting at me saying why did I do that and how I had spoilt her dancing.

She said I am being controlling and should've just left the ball where it was.

I said what is the big deal with me moving the ball and asked that dw support me with dd and say mammy was just moving the ball.

Dw continues to shout at me saying I should've just left it there. Dd7 continues to kick and hit me. No support from dw to get her to stop.

Was in the wrong for moving the ball?

To me I don't see the big deal. Was just trying to move it out of the way as we have a small lounge

We are receiving help from a trauma organisation with regards to dd7 hitting

@MrsTophamHat

I think some of the replies here are absolutely bonkers.

So what if the video was interrupted? It does not justify hitting and kicking someone. I would not tolerate that behaviour from my toddler.

Op, i don't believe you've done anything wrong. I think your partner berating you in front of her daughter even after she has just hit you is encouraging this awful behaviour. It sounds like neither of them respect you.

Absolutely this. I can’t believe people are talking about OP having done something wrong in the same breath as talking about the child’s behaviour and the wife’s response. If op were married to a man we’d all be saying LTB. Sounds like you’re walking on eggshells in your own home and as if your confidence and self-worth are through the floor.

@Flossieskeeper

Are you getting real life professional support? If you aren’t please access some- start with the go. Your posts sound so hopeless and resigned. You really do need help if you aren’t already getting it.

No professional help for me. Only for dd7

'Sweetheart, I didn't realise you were filming. That must have really upset you when I got in the way like that. I wouldn't have done it if I'd realised and I'll work on being more aware of things like that.
It's not ok that you hit me when you are angry, though- that's never ok.'

The cherry on top of this batshit thread.

@helpfulperson

OK so perhaps you shouldn't have moved the ball and hitting might have been understandable if not acceptable from a small child learning to use their words. But from a 7 year old? - never ok bar special needs and they haven't been mentioned.

I think the dd is adopted. In which case she needs a very different kind of parenting. It's difficult to get the dynamics from OP's post, but I'd guess the dw is a bit more clued up on the sort of discipline a child with attachment issues needs - the request to OP to come upstairs to remove themselves from the child's poor behaviour for example, and not immediately telling the dd off for hitting. Attachment disordered children need very very specific methods of discipline.

It may well be that the other parent is too lenient. But OP's angst, PA sulking and co-dependency are really really bad for a child with adoption issues.

Both parents very urgently need a parenting course that enables them to parent successfully together and in a manner suitable for attachment disordered children.

Give women's aid a call . I think you would really benefit from it.

I don't believe you need your wife , but rather your self esteem is on the floor and she has convinced you that you are stupid,annoying, deserve all this and you will never find someone that would put up with you. She makes you feel like she's doing you a massive favour just for allowing you in her life so how dare you not toe the line.

Talk to your GP and try and get some counselling too. You need to get better and stronger and learn to love and respect yourself, not just for your sake but DD's too.

Atm she's growing up in a very dysfunctional and unhealthy home.

@ldontWanna

Give women's aid a call . I think you would really benefit from it.

I don't believe you need your wife , but rather your self esteem is on the floor and she has convinced you that you are stupid,annoying, deserve all this and you will never find someone that would put up with you. She makes you feel like she's doing you a massive favour just for allowing you in her life so how dare you not toe the line.

Talk to your GP and try and get some counselling too. You need to get better and stronger and learn to love and respect yourself, not just for your sake but DD's too.

Atm she's growing up in a very dysfunctional and unhealthy home.

I will contact my GPto ask for counselling. Do I tell GP what's going on at home?

Waiting lists are probably through the roof to see a counsellor.

Womens Aid. What would they say - leave? That's my problem. I haven't got the courage to.

I was brought up in a abusive household and was sexually abused by a family friend. All of this is what has caused my codependency

@Whiteminnowfish women's aid will first of all listen, then advice and support. They don't ask anyone to leave or make them leave. They might suggest it depending on what's going on, but they won't push for it. They can also offer advice in regards to benefits, the legal side of things etc.

It's massive, i know. That's why I didn't say leave. But make phone calls,make enquiries, ask for help. That's a first step. That you can do. No commitment, no push. Just a phone call. Just an appointment. If you can take that first step you're already stronger than you realise.

@titchy *think the dd is adopted. In which case she needs a very different kind of parenting. It's difficult to get the dynamics from OP's post, but I'd guess the dw is a bit more clued up on the sort of discipline a child with attachment issues needs - the request to OP to come upstairs to remove themselves from the child's poor behaviour for example, and not immediately telling the dd off for hitting. Attachment disordered children need very very specific methods of discipline.

It may well be that the other parent is too lenient. But OP's angst, PA sulking and co-dependency are really really bad for a child with adoption issues.*

And if this isn't the pp you are thinking of? Do you really feel a post like the above is OK? Op has stated they have been sexually abused as a child and you think its angsty?

Dd7 continues to kick and hit me.

My worry is that DD thinks this is acceptable as your relationship with your DW is not good.

Do you and your DE ever have physical fights?

Your DD doesn’t sound very happy if this was her response to you moving a ball.

Is she your DD? How long have you both been on her life?

Your DW doesn’t sound like she’s likes you very much and I would usually say to do things to try and make the relationship better but I don’t think DW wants to.
I think the only think you can do is leave.

OP, you did nothing wrong. Your wife has been extremely unpleasant to you and is also letting your daughter think this kind of behaviour is okay if someone mildly inconveniences her.
I have zero sympathy for a child making a video who kicks off if someone moves in the background. It's a video, the reality is that things move in the background of videos all the time because you can't control what other people do. Your daughter should be able to understand that and you as her parents should be teaching her to tolerate feelings like disappointment and frustration and find more balanced ways to react, not let her think it's okay to react in anger.
I wouldn't have apologised - let's put this into perspective, you appeared behind your daughter doing a dance in your own home that she was recording on a phone. So what? She starts again? No big deal and she is learning resilience and the importance of trying again.

I am more worried about your wife's behaviour. You sound very brow beaten OP and it sounds like your wife is enjoying undermining and arguing with you. Get out, go and stay with your sister for a bit.

And if DD is adopted, parenting with an attachment focus looks like using skills such as emotion coaching, which means regulating your own emotions as an adult first. Your dw shouting will raise your daughter's fight or flight and cause her to be in a state of disregulation.

@VivienneDelacroix

And if DD is adopted, parenting with an attachment focus looks like using skills such as emotion coaching, which means regulating your own emotions as an adult first. Your dw shouting will raise your daughter's fight or flight and cause her to be in a state of disregulation.

Spot on

@VivienneDelacroix

OP, you did nothing wrong. Your wife has been extremely unpleasant to you and is also letting your daughter think this kind of behaviour is okay if someone mildly inconveniences her. I have zero sympathy for a child making a video who kicks off if someone moves in the background. It's a video, the reality is that things move in the background of videos all the time because you can't control what other people do. Your daughter should be able to understand that and you as her parents should be teaching her to tolerate feelings like disappointment and frustration and find more balanced ways to react, not let her think it's okay to react in anger. I wouldn't have apologised - let's put this into perspective, you appeared behind your daughter doing a dance in your own home that she was recording on a phone. So what? She starts again? No big deal and she is learning resilience and the importance of trying again.

I am more worried about your wife's behaviour. You sound very brow beaten OP and it sounds like your wife is enjoying undermining and arguing with you. Get out, go and stay with your sister for a bit.

I am low and brow beaten. Because I've had past trauma I disassociate from the situation and downplay things.

Do you think if I went to GP they would put me at the top of the list for counselling?

@Flossieskeeper

Going to the gp is a good start- you can have a conversation with them- they may consider an anti depressant in the meantime. It’s usually a joint decision though.

A lot of counselling services will give you online material to work through whilst you wait for an appointment. Alll of that said I have a friend who only had a 4 week wait for counselling so you never know.

Thank you. I will ring my GP tomorrow and ask for an appointment to discuss counselling. I definitely won't be/need antidepressants. I don't feel depressed it's just the situation.

YANBU.

Thank you. I will ring my GP tomorrow and ask for an appointment to discuss counselling. I definitely won't be/need antidepressants. I don't feel depressed it's just the situation.

Good luck. Be honest, answer any questions, tell them how you feel and what's happening, don't downplay anything. They've heard it all. They'll discuss next steps , and a possible referral. No one knows how long it will take but this will be good for you. Putting it all out in the open, trying, asking for help and realising you need and deserve help, doing something for yourself . This is good. Baby steps and just keep going.