AIBU - argument with dw over moving dd yoga ball while she was dancing on rug

[Whiteminnowfish]

Basically that...dd7 was dancing on rug and videoing it with my phone. Yoga ball was to the left of her so I picked it up to move it at the back of the room. But I had to walk past dd7 to do it.
Dd got angry and upset and hit me.

Dw started shouting at me saying why did I do that and how I had spoilt her dancing.

She said I am being controlling and should've just left the ball where it was.

I said what is the big deal with me moving the ball and asked that dw support me with dd and say mammy was just moving the ball.

Dw continues to shout at me saying I should've just left it there. Dd7 continues to kick and hit me. No support from dw to get her to stop.

Was in the wrong for moving the ball?

To me I don't see the big deal. Was just trying to move it out of the way as we have a small lounge

@Jvg33

I would tell dw that it's not on that she supported your child to hit you. You were not deliberately doing anything to hurt anyone else. I would stop doing things for dw for the rest of the week - this is what posters on here would be advising on other threads. If she complained I would say it's because you encourage someone to hit me. If she continues to think you deserve to be hit, that's another day you aren't doing anything for her. Why should she get away with it because she is the 'dear wife'? Hitting as an adult can be a punishable offence. I would not even be considering apologising to a child for hitting me on purpose. Continue to nag DW until achieved an apology

This is the thing. I am too scared to say anything anymore as worried incase she leaves. Yes, I know this is totally unhealthy but this is my problem - I have codependency with dw. Would rather die than live without her so I put up with this.

I can't see that you've done anything wrong at all. I have no idea why the majority of previous posters are acting like you have. You shouldn't ever be hit by your child and your DW shouldn't be ignoring the behaviour

@TabithaTittlemouse

Do any of them know what’s going on at home?

I've spoken to my friend and sister but only bout some of things tha happen.

Think they must be getting sick of hearing me moan about stuff that goes on because they tell me to leave. But it's not as easy as that for me

There are a few things going on.

You shouldn't have moved the ball and gone in shot - even if you didn't notice the recording, it's not a big leap to think a 7 year old girl who's dancing may also be using a yoga ball. Just clearing away something that someone else has been using without asking them (esp when they're right there!) shows a huge lack of care and consideration for your daughter and her activities.

If it's a common issue I can understand them being annoyed.

However a 7 year old should never be hitting and kicking and the two of you should be united in that. If PP is right and your daughter is adopted I imagine the usual ways of being stern aren't the way to go though which could be what your wife is getting at.

Don't hide away op. This is now your dw issue. A child models behaviour from their parents. How dare a partner support this abuse of you. I would be deciding when it's over, not her. I feel there isn't much rage on this thread as usual. Probably because they are assuming you're a man. You might be a man. The lack of emotion of a man being hit for moving a ball from others presents something very disturbing.

@Jvg33

Don't hide away op. This is now your dw issue. A child models behaviour from their parents. How dare a partner support this abuse of you. I would be deciding when it's over, not her. I feel there isn't much rage on this thread as usual. Probably because they are assuming you're a man. You might be a man. The lack of emotion of a man being hit for moving a ball from others presents something very disturbing.

I am also female

Of ball was in the way of have moved it.
If dc hit me then be consequences
If partner didn’t back me up they’d be a conversation out of ear shot of dc to discuss the way forward

I think some of the replies here are absolutely bonkers.

So what if the video was interrupted? It does not justify hitting and kicking someone. I would not tolerate that behaviour from my toddler.

Op, i don't believe you've done anything wrong. I think your partner berating you in front of her daughter even after she has just hit you is encouraging this awful behaviour. It sounds like neither of them respect you.

Tbh this sounds rather dysfunctional, I feel sorry for your child and it reads like she is already being adversely affected by t e dynamic in the home

Are there any local parenting support groups that could help you?

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

Tbh this sounds rather dysfunctional, I feel sorry for your child and it reads like she is already being adversely affected by t e dynamic in the home

Are there any local parenting support groups that could help you?

Yes. I would agree. I am too scared to leave. I don't want to be the one that leaves my dd7.

Like I've said I have issues with codependency and have trouble ending the relationship, when most people would've ended it ages ago.

Don't see how local parenting group can help me.

It sounds as if you're oblivious to the needs/activities of others
Your wife is an angry bully
Your DD has emotional regulation problems if her reaction to a video being interrupted is violence.
What's she filming it for anyway? Is she already focussed on gaining social media 'likes'? There seems to be a lot of emotional investment

[quote picklemewalnuts]@toomuchlaundry I don't want to derail OPs thread with my DH's issues, but-
DH absolutely needs to stop interfering with my stuff. At the end of a long day decorating I sort stuff into two piles, one to put away and one to use the next day. I come back from making a drink and it's all been taken back to the garage. Damned annoying. Obviously once is nothing, but it's all the time. I don't go and mess with his stuff, I don't want him rearranging mine.
[/quote]
Frustration in this situation is understandable. Firm words reasonable.

If you said that you kicked and punched him then expected him to apologise then you'd deserve to be prosecuted. I appreciate that it's the child doing this but she is being backed up by the wife and taught that her behaviour is totally fine.

@MrsTophamHat

I think some of the replies here are absolutely bonkers.

So what if the video was interrupted? It does not justify hitting and kicking someone. I would not tolerate that behaviour from my toddler.

Op, i don't believe you've done anything wrong. I think your partner berating you in front of her daughter even after she has just hit you is encouraging this awful behaviour. It sounds like neither of them respect you.

Am glad others see that too!!

OK so perhaps you shouldn't have moved the ball and hitting might have been understandable if not acceptable from a small child learning to use their words. But from a 7 year old? - never ok bar special needs and they haven't been mentioned.

I wonder op if you stated you were female as well in your first post whether the replies would have been different. You need to weigh up what you bring to the relationship. Sounds fical - but financial, childcare, DIY, chores, washing etc in comparison. If you do more, do you really think your partner will want to leave. I would be stopping temporarily doing what I do for the family in protest of this treatment. I doubt op that you don't do anything for them. I would stop doing stuff and make comments about how dw is going to miss my contributions this week.

@Jvg33

I wonder op if you stated you were female as well in your first post whether the replies would have been different. You need to weigh up what you bring to the relationship. Sounds fical - but financial, childcare, DIY, chores, washing etc in comparison. If you do more, do you really think your partner will want to leave. I would be stopping temporarily doing what I do for the family in protest of this treatment. I doubt op that you don't do anything for them. I would stop doing stuff and make comments about how dw is going to miss my contributions this week.

If I did this it would male the situation 10 times worse for me

Yes. As I work PT I do all chores, most cooking

@Whiteminnowfish

Yes. As I work PT I do all chores, most cooking

10 times worse for you! You do all the chores! All the cooking! Sounds like dw will be in a worse position! Imagine coming home tomorrow and saying you aren't cooking for her anymore 😂

You are not obligated to do any chores for dw.

@Flossieskeeper

The relationship does not sound good. It’s sounds like you are on the receiving end of emotional abuse of nothing else. Who told you you were co dependent? It reads like you are using that as a reason not to stand up for yourself but I do wonder? Is it co dependency or the affects of emotional abuse ? What’s your relationship with dd like usually?

It's definitely codendancy I suffer from. If you Google the symptoms I am exactly that.

Relationship with dd7 is good. She's close to me.

Sometimes I wish I was better of dead, to get out of the situation. But I haven't got the courage to commit suicide.

Also I could not do that for my dd7 sake

@Jvg33

I wonder op if you stated you were female as well in your first post whether the replies would have been different. You need to weigh up what you bring to the relationship. Sounds fical - but financial, childcare, DIY, chores, washing etc in comparison. If you do more, do you really think your partner will want to leave. I would be stopping temporarily doing what I do for the family in protest of this treatment. I doubt op that you don't do anything for them. I would stop doing stuff and make comments about how dw is going to miss my contributions this week.

It’s clear from the first post OP is a woman married to another woman.

Op all 3 of you were in the wrong to greater or lesser degrees. Would your wife be up for family counselling if framed as helping your daughter? Eg other kids won’t like her if she behaves like that at school.

Dw has become used to walking all over you. If she starts shouting at you etc, point to the front door and say 'you want to be abusive, there's the door.' Don't argue back and keep repeating whichever line keeps you strong. This is not DD fault.