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Original poster

DD has a better time at her Dad's than with me

53 replies

CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 20:18

I'm having a bit of a low moment and need some sense I think.

I have two DDs, 11 and 9, with my exH. We have shared custody, him 3 nights me 4. DD2 has always been a bit of a Daddy's girl, they just have more in common I guess, but I'm feeling awful at the moment thinking she must hate being with me.

DD1 has covid, and because they share a room at their Dad's it felt sensible to keep DD1 with me and DD2 with her Dad so she doesn't get it.

ExH has been sending me videos etc of DD (at my request) and she's just having an amazing time. He and his wife are doing so many lovely things with her, baking, swimming etc. She's smiling and genuinely laughing. I rarely see her do that here.

I just don't do those sort of things. I like going for days out and getting treats, or watching movies together. It's not enough is it? I'm going to have to do things I don't really enjoy like bike rides because she loves it so much. I feel shitty even saying that. I feel so inadequate. DD2 can be so withdrawn when she's with me sometimes. She gets lots of affection and attention, I just don't do the high energy activities her Dad always does with her and clearly it's not enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 20:19

Sorry, I don't really know what I was hoping to get out of that. Maybe some suggestions on how I could do better?

OP posts:
Lifeisamaze · 30/01/2022 20:33

It's tough OP. Sorry I don't have anything useful to add but I have similar with one of my children. Flowers

RedCandyApple · 30/01/2022 20:33

Spin it, isn’t it great she has such a great time at her dads? Isn’t it great they have such a lovely relationship? Try to see that as a positive

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Original poster
CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 20:44

It's horrible isn't it?
I should be able to spin it. It really is wonderful that she has a lovely bond with her Dad and his wife. And I know it's not a competition. Just because she has a good time there doesn't mean she hates it here. But I'm jealous, pure and simple. And insecure.

OP posts:
Pegasussnail · 30/01/2022 20:44

That's very hard.
But you are always mum and remember they were sending you videos that they knew she would look happy in.

If you don't like bike rides could you do more craft or some other activities together. I do think it's important to keep kids stimulated but you have to enjoy it too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2022 20:47
Flowers
GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 20:50

Can you do things like bike rides and baking? If so then maybe give it a go.

WhenIsItTooLate · 30/01/2022 20:51

This resonates with me OP. I split with xDH last year, my eldest is the same age as your DD2, they’ve been close since my youngest 2 came along and it’s been a hard adjustment for her. They only go to him every other weekend and he’s pure Disney dad, does absolutely none of the grind work of parenting, and so she prefers it there. Apparently she’s told him before that she’d like to live with him (there are other factors that may have played into this that have now been resolved). I have a lot of conflicting feelings around it all. But all I can do is parent her as I see fit based on what I believe she needs. I can’t be someone else. What will be will be.

TheUndoingProject · 30/01/2022 20:52

I doubt your ex is sending videos of all the boring, shit things they are doing - you’re only seeing a snapshot. Kids benefit from stability far more than they do from all the “Disney dad” gloss. The fact you are worrying show how much you care and what a good mum you are.

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 20:53

You don’t have to do what he does, find something that he doesn’t do but your daughter enjoys, and make that your thing.

caringcarer · 30/01/2022 20:58

Could you get your dd's swimming lessons. That way you can watch them having fun but not have to swim yourself very often. Sign her up for a cricket or rugby class and again you can sit and watch with a cup of coffee. You don't have to enjoy outdoor stuff yourself to enable your dd too.

Tee20x · 30/01/2022 21:03

Ugh thing about kids is sometimes you just have to do stuff you don't enjoy because they love it. It's good that she has a great time there and has a good relationship with her dad and his wife. No matter how much fun she has there though you're her mum. Nothing can top that.

Original poster
CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 21:13

You're right, sometimes I'm just going to have to accept doing things they love. DD1 is easier, she's that little bit older and enjoys the things I do. I feel like I have a much stronger connection with her and that unsettles me a little. I need to make more effort with DD2.

I'm going to look into swimming lessons, she does love swimming and to be fair, it was me that took her every week for years so that she can swim. Disney Dad wouldn't have done that (bitter)

OP posts:
justustwoandmoo · 30/01/2022 21:13

My ExH's partner made pumpkin pasties out of the pumpkins on Halloween 🎃. My daughter went on and on about them and about how she wrapped one up to take to school....Me? I haven't got the bloomin foggiest idea how to make them.

Then at Christmas she crocheted little stars to hang off the tree. I went to Matalan to buy some...They even went to the forest to collect stuff to make their own front door wreath FFS!!

Honestly sometimes it makes me feel inadequate too.

BUT nothing will replace you as a mum. No amount of bike rides will take away the fact that when the s* hits the fan it's you that she will want. I find that these times come in waves and move in cycles. Sometimes all the fun is to be had at her dads and then it's here with me. Try not to overanalyse and just encourage her to have a good time even if you do feel hurt. You are her mummy and nothing will change that xx

WTF475878237NC · 30/01/2022 21:16

I definitely appreciate that my mum did things like baking with me when I was a child so much more now I know (as an adult) she dislikes it but did it because it made me happy. She was always cheerful and never let on!

SeasonFinale · 30/01/2022 21:19

But it is fine to do different things when she is at yours and have some down time. Don't try to compete but see if there are things that you enjoy that she might too.

LittleOwl153 · 30/01/2022 21:21

Sounds like a bit of an 'Insta Dad' going on to a degree - so don't beat yourself up about the videos.

How did it work when you were together? I know of my 2 I find my eldest easier to spend time with (even though she is more challenging) but my DH finds the youngest easier - so it works out. Just because you are separated doesn't mean this kind of split won't still play out. It doesn't mean I love my youngest any less, just as it doesnt mean you love your youngest any less. So long as you have a good connection her who cares about the activities!

GiantSpider · 30/01/2022 21:24

Try to use this in a positive way, as a useful reminder of things to do with DD that you might not immediately think of, rather than as a stick to beat yourself up with. You're doing your best OP!

Honeyroar · 30/01/2022 21:25

There will be things she does with you that she chatters about to her dad.. Sometimes you just do have more in common with one parent than the other. But you still love them both. It’s good that she’s happy there too. Imagine if she was miserable..

MsSquiz · 30/01/2022 21:27

Her dad and his wife are probably going overboard on the all the fun activities to ensure your DD enjoys her time there because they don't want her to dwell on the fact that she isn't with you or her sister. And he's sending the the videos/photos to say "look, don't worry about her, she's having a great time" rather than "she's so much happier here with us than when she's home with you"

ldontWanna · 30/01/2022 21:28

Just do different things with her that she enjoys and you maybe don't mind so much.

I think it's more that you're worried that she's "slipping away" and because you don't have the same strong connection and bond that you have with DD1.

The thing is, with DD1 it came easily because you like the same things. With DD2 you'll have to put the effort in. Not necessarily doing assault courses and baking the ultimate cake, but some things that you enjoy, some she does , some that aren't too bad for you and she loves and so on until you find some common ground.

I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than play Roblox with DD , but that's what I did today for two hours because she really wanted me to and sees it as a treat.

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 21:28

@TheUndoingProject
If you read the op’s first post again she says they are with their father 3 nights a week
That’s hardly Disney Dad territory.

Classicblunder · 30/01/2022 21:31

Do you think it might just be her enjoying time focussed totally on her without DD1? Mine love each other very much but sometimes really enjoy time apart.

RedCandyApple · 30/01/2022 21:32

[quote GrazingSheep]@TheUndoingProject
If you read the op’s first post again she says they are with their father 3 nights a week
That’s hardly Disney Dad territory.[/quote]
That’s what I thought I thought I got Disney dad wrong to me a Disney dad is someone that barely does any parenting but then treats the kids when he sees them once a fortnight not a man that has the kids half the time, that’s not a Disney dad Confused

Whilst I can see why it might be upsetting my kids don’t see their dad at all and he doesn’t bother with them I would
Love for them to have a great relationship with their dad.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 30/01/2022 21:35

It takes a village to raise a child.

When DD was small I hated pretend play so my DDad did that with her, I don't like riding a bike either so once I taught her she does that with my DDad too.

I have no interest in minecraft or snakes etc but she and her dad will spend ages talking about it and watch g youtube talk about it. I don't like/ don't know how to care for snakes and lizards so Dd had those at his house.

We've always had the soft and fluffy pets. I do love reading which we did everyday when she was small. I love the theatre, cinema and going to museums DDs dad would never pay for tickets when she's with him but we go all the time.

I think it's an awful lot healthier to appreciate all of the different experiences your Dd gets to have with all the different people that love her. It's alot easier to plan and do activities for one. Maybe you and ex should look into changing contact so you both occasionally have one girl at a time for real quality time.