Page 2 | DD has a better time at her Dad's than with me

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 21:37

@LittleOwl153
If you read the op’s first post she asked him to send videos, presumably so that she can see that their dd is happy and enjoying herself.
Hardly insta dad territory

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/01/2022 21:37

It’s completely normal to feel a bit blue about this, and completely normal to have more of an natural bond with one child than another (their dad may well feel the same about your elder one).

Might be worth trying to look at it from different angles to building a bond w younger D is a pleasure rather than a source of anxiety. Swimming sounds great - could you get into wild swimming kayaking this summer? If bike rides are her thing, anything that can make them more appealing to you? Eg health benefit, or tea and cake/drink half way. Anything else new you could both enjoy?

Ohpulltheotherone · 30/01/2022 21:37

That must be hard OP, I remember when my little one went through a phase of not wanting me at all and was all about dad - I was so upset and hurt.

I do think if you have a good solid relationship underneath it all then in the long run you’ll be close. I know lots of my female friends spent their teenage years at odds with their mum but now as adults they are very close, best friend type territory. So perhaps it’s just a case of being the solid, dependable parent who offers the security so that she can be confident and independent.

I will also say that I do think you should make a bit more of an effort to do activities with her that she specifically likes. An hour a week to go for a bike ride in the park or Saturday afternoon putting on a YouTube tutorial and baking some cakes together or something?
Close relationships are built on sharing and connection, whether that’s sharing a sense of human or sharing a love for baking. You find connection through a shared enjoyment or perspective.
She’s your child and you love her, but to have a close relationship that’s not really enough.
You have to connect. I’d definitely try to spend more time doing things she naturally enjoys

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 21:38

I think it's an awful lot healthier to appreciate all of the different experiences your Dd gets to have with all the different people that love her. It's alot easier to plan and do activities for one. Maybe you and ex should look into changing contact so you both occasionally have one girl at a time for real quality time.

Great advice

Original poster

CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 21:42

To be fair to ExH, he's pretty consistent when it comes to fun things with them. He genuinely enjoys doing things like running around on a freezing beach with them, or going to the playground. It's great for them, particularly DD2 who's still into that sort of thing. He's not so good at the serious stuff, wouldn't have a clue what's going on at school, doesn't sweat the fact that DD is struggling hugely academically and has very little confidence in her abilities. Continues to allow her access to a phone where she was watching all manner of inappropriate stuff. He's extremely loving, just hopeless.

I do try with her. I sit and do wordsearches with her because she seems to enjoy it, and it doesn't involve me being cold!! I just wish that she was as happy with me as she is with her Dad. I feel like I give so much of myself to the children and it's still not enough. That's awfully self pitying of me, I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 21:44

I really appreciate all of your kind words, there is some very wise advice that I need to follow.

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 30/01/2022 21:46

@GrazingSheep I meant he is sending her videos of the best bits. Rather like the insta mummies who make others feel they are not up to stratch, when in actual fact when the camera is off the house is a tip the kids are screaming etc...

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 30/01/2022 21:53

It hurts more as he's their dad and the relationship has broken down.

I remember having a friend in High school, her mum was the coolest person ever, she volunteered at a group I went to and my friendship group was always at her house and I had a brilliant time. I'm sure I went on and on and on about Sarah's mum and how amazing she was to my own mum. My mum was just mum, that person always in the background etc and totally taken for granted as we all are. There was no novelty to wear off with my mum. She must have been really irritated about me going on about the amazing time I'd had. This is sort of the same but it hurts more as he is their dad and even if the break up was a good thing you are probably mourning the broken relationship/family time as well.

SD1978 · 30/01/2022 21:54

I think it's a bit unfair to call him Disney and Insta dad, when OP has said they actually do things the child enjoys doing, unlike the OP, who admits to not doing activities DD2 likes because she doesn't like it. And they have an almost 50/50 split............and OP herself has said she needs to actually start doing things her daughter would enjoy because she doesn't at the moment that much.......

ldontWanna · 30/01/2022 21:57

@CandleMirror

To be fair to ExH, he's pretty consistent when it comes to fun things with them. He genuinely enjoys doing things like running around on a freezing beach with them, or going to the playground. It's great for them, particularly DD2 who's still into that sort of thing. He's not so good at the serious stuff, wouldn't have a clue what's going on at school, doesn't sweat the fact that DD is struggling hugely academically and has very little confidence in her abilities. Continues to allow her access to a phone where she was watching all manner of inappropriate stuff. He's extremely loving, just hopeless.

I do try with her. I sit and do wordsearches with her because she seems to enjoy it, and it doesn't involve me being cold!! I just wish that she was as happy with me as she is with her Dad. I feel like I give so much of myself to the children and it's still not enough. That's awfully self pitying of me, I know.

Have a look through your phone or SM and see what pics and videos you have of her. I bet you'll find plenty of "evidence" of her being happy,laughing and enjoying herself. Because those are the moments we capture (just like your ExH did), not the tears over homework, whinging over dinner or taking a shower,nagging over chores, being bored or just...being. You are focusing on those because that's what life is sometimes messy,boring,monotone and annoying. The highlights are highlights for a reason ,and that's what you saw today with her dad.

Don't compare his best moments with your daily routine or worst ones.It's not fair on anyone,especially not you.

DreamTheMoors · 30/01/2022 22:05

I’m so sorry, @CandleMirror.
The only thing I have to compare is my gran & my mum. They locked horns, it seems, very early on in Mum’s life.
Mum & grandpa were just a better “fit,” I guess, because they were very close always and got on so much better.
My mum said it was because, “Mum never knew what to do with me.” I never saw them argue or fight, but I never saw them express much love for one another either. Sort of neutral towards each other.
My grandparents ended up raising me for a large portion of my childhood, and they were equally loving to me. I can’t explain the distance between my mum & my nan. My mum took care of my nan until she died, so there was lots of love there.

You’re an excellent mum. You adore your daughter. You’d do anything for her - hell, you’d die for her without a second thought.
Don’t let your insecurity or some crappy photos ever let you forget your awesomeness.
And this is like a mini-vacay for them, so of course they’re doing fun stuff — but she’ll be homesick for mum in no time.
BECAUSE YOU’RE MUM!

Yotrotro · 30/01/2022 22:07

Perhaps switch the days around so your DD2 spends 4 days with her Dad and 3 days with you? If she's struggling in school and generally unhappy at home as your post suggest then it might be time to change things up to support her best. If you are aware you have a lot more in common with/better relationship with your DD1 then I bet DD2 is also very aware of it. Then try and find something that you can tolerate and that DD2 loves that can become your thing?

Original poster

CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 22:08

Looking through the photos was a good idea. What I've captured in the past month is baking with her (I'd forgotten about that), going to one of those evening light trails (video of her dancing like a mad thing), setting up a den in the living room, and a few others. All of which she looks happy.

I think I've always struggled with inadequacy compared to their Dad. He's so extroverted and has the energy to full on play all day. I just want to sit alone by the end of the day and I struggle with how shit that makes me.

It's given me a kick though, I need to find something we'll both enjoy and try to remember that just because she loves him doesn't mean she hates me.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 30/01/2022 22:09

From your update it sounds like you do loads for her, just different things to her dad. She’s lucky to have two great parents.

Original poster

CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 22:10

Thank you @dreamthemoors and everyone for writing such kind words.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandleMirror · 30/01/2022 22:16

Honestly @Yotrotro, this is going to sound awful but I just couldn't let him have majority. I already suffer with not feeling like a 'proper' mum (despite having a number of friends in similar situations who are wonderful parents). I just couldn't. It took me literally years to stop crying after they left on handover day because in my mind, I should be putting them to bed every night.

I try my best to support her with her struggles. I'm the one who arranges the 'play dates' (hate that phrase but you know what I mean!). ExH wouldn't do this, and she desperately loves seeing friends (she's an awkward little thing that struggles socially sometimes). I'm also the one that arranged the tutor for her over the home schooling period because she just wasn't coping. She cried all the time because she felt she was getting everything wrong and this tutor brought her on so much. ExH doesn't value education in the way I do unfortunately and would rather just say 'Ahhh you'll be fine' when she's upset she can't do her homework.

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madisonbridges · 30/01/2022 22:19

The thing about having two parents is that they'll probably have strengths in different areas. When she wants to do physical, outgoing stuff, she'll go to him. And when she needs to talk over life matters, she'll come to you. Neither is more important. They're complimentary skills and she's lucky to have two parents that dovetail in that way, and that love her and want to do their best to make her happy. I would add that those high octane are only enjoyable because of the quiet times in between.

ldontWanna · 30/01/2022 22:20

@CandleMirror

Looking through the photos was a good idea. What I've captured in the past month is baking with her (I'd forgotten about that), going to one of those evening light trails (video of her dancing like a mad thing), setting up a den in the living room, and a few others. All of which she looks happy.

I think I've always struggled with inadequacy compared to their Dad. He's so extroverted and has the energy to full on play all day. I just want to sit alone by the end of the day and I struggle with how shit that makes me.

It's given me a kick though, I need to find something we'll both enjoy and try to remember that just because she loves him doesn't mean she hates me.

A child's life and needs are not all about play though. It's important,but not everything.

Who wipes her tears and listens to her when she's sad or has problems? Who helps?
Who has her back and helps when there are issues at school?
Who knows her favourite colour and things to do and friends?
Who organises playdates and clubs and birthdays?
Who talks to her about the future ,her hopes and dreams?
Who looks after her when she's sick?
Who talks to her and is preparing her about the changes in her body and what's to come?
Who builds her up?
Who is always there when life gets difficult?
Who is worrying right now about how happy she really is and how she can fix it?

GrazingSheep · 30/01/2022 22:26

And this is like a mini-vacay for them, so of course they’re doing fun stuff — but she’ll be homesick for mum in no time.

She’s with her father 3 nights a week
It’s not a mini-vacay
She’s not homesick

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/01/2022 22:26

@CandleMirror

Looking through the photos was a good idea. What I've captured in the past month is baking with her (I'd forgotten about that), going to one of those evening light trails (video of her dancing like a mad thing), setting up a den in the living room, and a few others. All of which she looks happy.

I think I've always struggled with inadequacy compared to their Dad. He's so extroverted and has the energy to full on play all day. I just want to sit alone by the end of the day and I struggle with how shit that makes me.

It's given me a kick though, I need to find something we'll both enjoy and try to remember that just because she loves him doesn't mean she hates me.

You are a great Mum..

Been outside was never my thing. I can't ride a bike, I hated snow even as a child. My Ds's Dadis absent.

Layers are your answer.. too been cold.

With cooking it hasn't always been baking cakes. Pizza bases and making pizza, mashing potatoes, cooking together can be great fun and more useful that continued baking.

Set the two of them races up the beach if your not a running around person.

But also you will find your own way of connecting with Dd2.. it just may take more effort than Dd1.

Minniem2020 · 30/01/2022 22:45

I completely get where you're coming from feeling like this op. DD stays with her dad 2 or 3 nights a week alternately. The nights she stays there are mostly weekends so it's always been about the fun and we did this and that . She's home with me through the week and I found it ended up all about have you done your homework and come on you need to get yourself to bed it's school in the morning.
DD is now 15 so barely comes out of her bedroom at either house so I don't have to feel so much like the inferior parent anymore

DreamTheMoors · 31/01/2022 00:53

You’re a good mum, raising great kids.
Don’t forget to tell your kids what good kids they are and how much you love them.
My mum & I had a game: every now and again she’d say, “You’re such a good Lizzy,” and then I’d say, “You’re such a good Mum.”
We both meant it, and it lasted until she died.
Just hearing it out loud from my mum was always so lovely and reassuring.
And, @CandleMirror? You’re a good mum. ❤️

tintodeverano2 · 31/01/2022 07:50

@MsSquiz

Her dad and his wife are probably going overboard on the all the fun activities to ensure your DD enjoys her time there because they don't want her to dwell on the fact that she isn't with you or her sister. And he's sending the the videos/photos to say "look, don't worry about her, she's having a great time" rather than "she's so much happier here with us than when she's home with you"

Definitely this. They aren't going to send you videos of her upset saying she misses you or her sister. You're getting the "Instagram" version of their life together. It's not real.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2022 09:03

Of course it’s real. Like OP’s happy photos are real. They’re a snapshot, one OP asked for.

ttpco · 31/01/2022 09:17

@CandleMirror

I'm having a bit of a low moment and need some sense I think.

I have two DDs, 11 and 9, with my exH. We have shared custody, him 3 nights me 4. DD2 has always been a bit of a Daddy's girl, they just have more in common I guess, but I'm feeling awful at the moment thinking she must hate being with me.

DD1 has covid, and because they share a room at their Dad's it felt sensible to keep DD1 with me and DD2 with her Dad so she doesn't get it.

ExH has been sending me videos etc of DD (at my request) and she's just having an amazing time. He and his wife are doing so many lovely things with her, baking, swimming etc. She's smiling and genuinely laughing. I rarely see her do that here.

I just don't do those sort of things. I like going for days out and getting treats, or watching movies together. It's not enough is it? I'm going to have to do things I don't really enjoy like bike rides because she loves it so much. I feel shitty even saying that. I feel so inadequate. DD2 can be so withdrawn when she's with me sometimes. She gets lots of affection and attention, I just don't do the high energy activities her Dad always does with her and clearly it's not enough.

I always think this when my daughter is with her dad. Id say I do more with her and we're very very close but he's the one who takes her away for a few days or cooks all the nice home made meals when she's there. But I think to myself I do the bulk of everything. She doesn't sleep there so she is with my constantly so it's just unrealistic to be booking a few days away or having a fresh home made meal on the table every night when some nights I'm not in from work till 6:30. They don't see the kids everyday so when they do they are sort of making up for it and have the time to do something fun.

DD has a better time at her Dad's than with me

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