3 years of battling at meal times and now I'm done

[WatermelonSocks]

I struggled with feeding my 3 year old boy since he was born. I just feel like I want to cry now. First he wasn't latching on the breast despite no tongue ties for months. I was extracting milk for four months and feeding him through the bottle all the way until he finally decided he will take the breast at 4 months! I nearly cried of happiness that day.

When he reached 6 months he was showing all signs of readiness to start on solids and there's no technique on the internet that I haven't tried but he HATED solids. I stopped breastfeeding at 8 months as he was constantly wanting to be fed. His first successful solid meal was rusks at 9 months. He survived on milk bottles and some mashed bananas until he turned 14 months. He started having really well blended food such as soups or whatever we are eating but he gags at nearly every spoon. He hates food and will be squirming and crying not wanting to eat. He hates meal times and as much as I try not to show it I hate them too.

He's 3 now and nothing major has changed apart from him loving to eat all sorts of crap: Crisps, chips, biscuits, sweets, breadsticks and the only green that he will eat is a bit of cucumber. THAT'S IT! He absolutely hates everything else. I must admit that I lost it many times and force fed him or told him that he won't leave the table until he finishes what he was given. He eventually gives up and start eating but he gags at the very sight of food and cries. What should take 5 minutes to eat is always 45 minutes to 1 hour/sometimes more.

I'm absolutely sick of it and when we go out he will have nothing but chips. I feel embarassed at times as we're always having bags of crisps because we know fully well he won't eat anything else on the menu and will eventually kick off if he gets hungry. He's such a lovely boy with a strong and funny character and I love him to bits but My god he's so stubborn and I don't want to be that mum who will let her kid take control and do as he pleases but I also don't want to continue anymore with ruining our day at every meal time.

He goes to nursery and they've tried their best introducing meals to him but he wouldn't eat at all. Sometimes they will tell me that he didn't eat ANYTHING all day and I could smell in his breath that he's hungry. The nursery give up at times and they offer him dry cereals (no milk), banana or a bread roll which he will be happy to eat. Surely that's an unhealthy lifestyle and we all want to teach our children the right habits. I'm so lost and don't know what to do. Please help if you went throught this.

Focus on what he does eat and don't make a fuss about what he won't. Will he eat bread? I was the sort of child that lived off jam sandwiches or I often had bread and butter with a tomato cut up on the side (you could do that with the cucumber). Or toast if he prefers the crunch.
If he has a sandwich for the main meal - then he has a sandwich for a main meal. Don't force him, don't make a fuss. Let him eat what he will eat.

Have you looked into ARFID?

Ahh that sounds so tough. First comment unbelievably unhelpful. Ignore. Can you afford to get profressional help? That's what I would do I think.

It sounds like he has developed oral/food aversion.

I think you all need specialised help to address this. Ask GP for referral to a Paediatrician?

I would maybe read around child feeding and eating if you haven't already. I think introducing foods through play and involving them in food prep helps. Exposure to food is good even if they reject it.

Also have you checked medical issues? I knew of a child with very large tonsils that had similar issues

Fuck sake, someone posts for help and you lay into them. Nice support network this is.

OP it sounds really hard. I remember those days. We've always had the rule that they have to try things, no crisps instead of dinner, no snacks after dinner if you didn't try it, but even then it's tricky. Ours are teens now and fine.

He might have ARFID. Remove any pressure to eat and contact your GP for a referral.

My daughter only had breast milk until she was almost 15 months old (a few tastes of food only before then). We did BLW, never pressured her to eat but presented a variety - we never made any comment, good or bad about the food and eating. E.g never praised and never cajoled or said negative things.

Now age 3 she eats normally - but we still make no comment on anyones eating.

She still breastfeeds now roughly every 2-3 hours (more at times) - everything is on her terms.

I myself and many friends have had similar experiences with children’s fussy eating, although not as restrictive. The answer is let them eat whatever they like & supplement with a multivitamin. They will start eating more variety as they grow & see peers eating. Never make a big deal of it in front of them. There’s also a good book called ‘can’t eat, won’t eat’.

I must admit that I lost it many times and force fed him or told him that he won't leave the table until he finishes what he was given. He eventually gives up and start eating but he gags at the very sight of food and cries.

This approach will not help.

This is very, very far from abuse. It's a mother doing all she can and at the end of her tether.

OP, your best efforts have failed, no fault of your own. But stop fighting. Just put options out at meal times and let him pick. This needs to stop being a battle.

His diet is not the best but it's not the worst.

You need to talk to your HV or GP. This is much more than fussy eating, it's likely he has a serious food aversion.

Think of it as a medical issue and treat it accordingly i.e. stop force feeding him, bribing him, making him eat when he's gagging etc.

I think these responses are about harsh, though obviously that approach isn't great and isn't working.

I have a relatively poor eater (2.5 year old) so I totally empathise with the sheer frustration, but I think you might need some proper help with this. Have been to the GP or nutritionist? Ruled out sensory issues?

It's really hard, but the approach of putting food down on the table and making no comment does work. We always make sure there is at least one 'safe' food on the plate, usually bread. She gets a multivit with iron every day.

Wow force feeding that's horrible
My son is autistic and will only eat Doritos, certain chocolate, and one takeaways chicken nuggets.
He is under a dietitian and I have been told to just let him eat what he likes to eat, it's about weight maintenance, we give vitamins to him for some nutritional benefit.
Force feeding will make the matter worse how on earth are you making him swallow the food.

Second looking up AFRID.

I was referring to the first couple of responses as harsh - the thread moved quickly!

We are looking into Arfid and it does fit op's son

Those who are not happy about me force feeding him. Yes it's awful it's not good it's crap. I know it. I said I only do it when I absolutely have to, usually if it's dinner and he refused everything since the morning.
When he was born he lost a lot of weight the following week, as he wasn't latching and not taking any expressed milk. The midwife was visiting every day to make sure I fed him through a syringe. I was clearly told that if he doesn't gain weight he will have to go back to hospital. He was rejecting the milk since then until she showed me how to help him swallow it without rejecting it (some of you may call it force feeding) but it's what saved him from going back to hospital and gaining weight again.

But he’s not a newborn now.

Sounds like he has a sensory feeding disorder.

I think you have created a meantime issue. Step away, feed what he wants and the amount he wants. Once meantimes stop being stressful and full of control, he might want to branch out or he might not. But the first thing to do is to stop making mealtimes and food something to fear or be anxious/stressed about.

I really think you need to pursue proper medical advice for this. Go to your GP and ask for a referral to the paediatric dietician.