3 years of battling at meal times and now I'm done

[WatermelonSocks]

I struggled with feeding my 3 year old boy since he was born. I just feel like I want to cry now. First he wasn't latching on the breast despite no tongue ties for months. I was extracting milk for four months and feeding him through the bottle all the way until he finally decided he will take the breast at 4 months! I nearly cried of happiness that day.

When he reached 6 months he was showing all signs of readiness to start on solids and there's no technique on the internet that I haven't tried but he HATED solids. I stopped breastfeeding at 8 months as he was constantly wanting to be fed. His first successful solid meal was rusks at 9 months. He survived on milk bottles and some mashed bananas until he turned 14 months. He started having really well blended food such as soups or whatever we are eating but he gags at nearly every spoon. He hates food and will be squirming and crying not wanting to eat. He hates meal times and as much as I try not to show it I hate them too.

He's 3 now and nothing major has changed apart from him loving to eat all sorts of crap: Crisps, chips, biscuits, sweets, breadsticks and the only green that he will eat is a bit of cucumber. THAT'S IT! He absolutely hates everything else. I must admit that I lost it many times and force fed him or told him that he won't leave the table until he finishes what he was given. He eventually gives up and start eating but he gags at the very sight of food and cries. What should take 5 minutes to eat is always 45 minutes to 1 hour/sometimes more.

I'm absolutely sick of it and when we go out he will have nothing but chips. I feel embarassed at times as we're always having bags of crisps because we know fully well he won't eat anything else on the menu and will eventually kick off if he gets hungry. He's such a lovely boy with a strong and funny character and I love him to bits but My god he's so stubborn and I don't want to be that mum who will let her kid take control and do as he pleases but I also don't want to continue anymore with ruining our day at every meal time.

Also it took until my diagnosis to realise that it's typically food texture that's the issue rather than the taste. So don't rule out a food just because it's not liked one way.

I still won't eat carrots unless they are sliced in relatively thin batons because I maintain that they cook more and are generally softer when they're cooked thinner.

Lots of sensible advice about ARFID. My dd has ASD and only tolerates certain things. I had a talk to a dietitian years ago and as long as she was eating a mix of food groups then the limited range was fine. As Luna says, texture can be important. And mass produced 'crap' is usually consistent so a bag of crisps from the same manufacturer will always taste the same with no surprises whereas home cooked dishes may vary enough to be worrying.

Thanks a lot everyone. I was thinking for the speech therapist referral a while ago as I've heard they might help with the eating refusal, however the waiting list in my local hospital is a silly number of months so I just didn't bother. I will ask for one on Monday. I have read a lot more on ARFID in the past 30 minutes and I think I have learned a few more things.

Re the embarassement, yes I shouldn't be embarassed and in fact no mother should feel embarrassed about what her children do, however it's difficult when nearly all the children in the family and friends enjoy trying new food and have great table manners, including my eldest child (which just adds to the frustration of where exactly did I go wrong with my second?), and then there's my little child who gags at everything and calls everything "yucky" unless it's junk. I still remember how we were together with other friends in a restaurant and one mum made it clear to all the children that only one bowl of chips will be ordered for all 6 children, and it's to be shared amongst them. This is to make sure that they all finish their main meals first and to reduce the amount that each child would have of fried food. The children agreed. Other mums thought it was a good idea. I was watching quietly thinking of how to tell them that I'm sorry I have to break that rule and order a portion for my youngest alone as he won't be having any mains.

@LunaNova Thank you very much for sharing your experience. It's always reassuring to hear from other people who went through it themselves.

I think it's ok to give him a safe food every meal alongside something else they can try. No pressure though.
Don't worry what anyone else thinks anymore. Just make sure they have a vitamin. Take the pressure off them as it's becoming a flash point.

Be kind to yourself, you haven't failed as a parent if they have food aversions. It's ok. But I would speak to a HV or similar.

My boy is autistic and his foods have widened with age.

I'd also say having struggled with depression I'd encourage you to speak to the GP if your feelings are affecting your patience, mine were and it took a good friend to persuade me to speak to my GP. Maybe there's more to why you're finding this so hard. There was for me. But maybe I'm projecting.

Oral aversion is a real thing and it can be a very difficult cycle to break - it takes time and a lot of patience. For little ones what they physically swallow is one of the few things in their life they can control so it can be a very hard cycle to break. my son developed a major oral aversion after being force fed in the nicu - we had a speech therapist who was very helpful so definitely ask for the referral. In the meantime I would say offer him a selection of food - if necessary some healthy and some just what he will eat and let him choose without pressure. I feel for you because it’s so so frustrating.

I'm so sorry that people have been so unhelpful on this thread but also pleased that other people have been kind. My DD is late teens and has ARFID. She is bright, active, healthy and (usually) happy. Though don't get her started on politics... We have had the support of an excellent NHS dietician for the past fifteen years, which I am very thankful for. Happy to chat via DM if you want.

I would second going back to the GP with a food and struggles diary and if possible a different GP in the practice. It is hard to describe how soul destroying this behaviour is to anyone who hasn't dealt with it.

Offering acceptable foods with some new options and not commenting on which are eaten is good advice. Its frustrating but any drama or tension tends to reinforce the problems.

If you have the money you may want to look at private provision as waiting lists can be very lengthy.

Hey OP,
Firstly, this is so tough for you. We are programmed to nurture and feed our kids and when they won't let us it is a horrible feeling.

I was very like your daughter as a child and my son is the same. I would eat raw vegetables but the smell and texture of them cooked was unbearable. Dry, crunchy food was fine but sauces, cooked veggies, the texture of fish was all unbearable for me.

I can't tell you how much I wanted to be like everyone else, to just fit in, to get the praise for finishing my food everybody else did.

Try to remember that the only thing which matters is your DD getting the nutrition her body needs.

Make a list of everything she likes. Focus on the healthy things she likes. DS won't eat any vegetables at all but will eat olives, apples, pears and bananas. But pears and bananas have to be rock hard, not ripe

Our meals are much more picnic-style. There is always a plate of sliced fruit on the table. I never make him try things or withold treats from him. I put other things out but never ask him to try them. He will do it on his own time. My approach sometimes clashes when we are with friends who believe children should eat everything, but I hold my ground and back him up.

If there are foods you really don't want her to eat, try not having them in the house for a while.

Take the pressure off her by taking it off yourself. Speak to your GP to ensure her nutritional needs are being met and try not to worry about what other people think.

DS is now 11 and it breaks my heart when he turns down invitations because he is worried he won't be able to eat what they make.

She isn't doing this to hurt you and as she gets older and more self-aware she is likely to be self-concious about her eating issues. Adding in the feeling that she is disappointing her parents every time she has a meal makes it worse. Trust me, I have been both the child and the adult in that scenario.

Good luck

OP, I have just realised I have used DD through my post. So sorry!

My 5yo is like this, we follow the standard approach of including something he’ll eat and can fill up on with every meal and making no other comment. Gradually he has broadened what he will eat, it’s still fewer than 15 foods though.

So tonight we’ll have Brussels sprouts gratin, tomato salad and bread. He most likely will eat bread but if he tastes anything else that’s a win.

Restaurants indeed he often eats chips and ice cream but if the rest of us get a nice meal out then who cares? Indian restaurants tend to be great if they have poppadums, bread and rice, he’s happy. Pizza we order without any topping so it’s just bread, often have sides of chips or similar.

We give vitamins and he’ll eat avocado, cucumber and banana. He’s healthy enough. My other kid eats a normal range of food. It’s not you, it’s them. No need to feel embarrassed.

I had food issues as a child so it kind of prepared me for when my asd son did. Don't over think or compare. Accept what he will eat then try to find some wins where you can.

So I would put something extra on sons plate say broccoli or carrot. No pressure to eat it just there. Also look where to sneak stuff in. If he likes gravy blend veg into it. Make fruit smoothies. If he eats anything like bolognaise blend carrots into sauce. Fruit ice lollies. If he eats chicken nuggets get the fresh ones from supermarket that aren't processed. Make roast potatoes in shape of chips. My son improved loads once he started school. Seeing others eat can be a great influence. Also get him involved in baking/making food he might be more interested if he preps it. And multi vitamins.

But remember his experience of food is not your experience. When you struggle with the sensory experience of eating and that can be taste/texture:/smell/visual or there's other issues it's beyond being fussy. Let him lead the pace and just keep the door open to trying foods but don't force it.

My sons food intake is very limited he eats around 6 food's.
He will barely eat anything at school even his safe food seems to not feel safe for him at school, he will only eat custard creams, a particular chocolate bar and wotsits at school if we are lucky.
My ds has asd and his limited food intake is put down to this although I suspect he has arfid and I will speak to his paediatrician about this.
He will also barely drink at school, he has days where he will drink nothing at all, he is at a sen school and leaves at 7.30am on the bus and gets home around 4pm, so obviously a long time with little food and either none or a very small amount of fluids.
We have had episodes of him shaking and going clammy where his sugar levels have dropped because he's had so little at school.
He is under a dietitian but this is mainly to make sure he is maintaining his weight and putting on weight, he has tried every nutrition drink there is for children he doesn't like any of them.
School have asked speech therapist to do a eating assessment on him she says she can't as he doesn't eat.
We was advised let him eat as much of his safe food as he wants, give him a dinner that contains a safe food plus something additional which he has never touched yet.
Our issue is my ds does not have a safe food you would consider as part of a dinner, he will only eat chicken nuggets from one particular takeaway, I have tried keeping there boxes, every type and make of chicken nuggets from the shops, oven cooking them, deep frying them, air frying them, none of it works, he picks them up examined them, smells them and then puts it down and pushes them away.
My ds has high sensory needs as well so smell is big on his agenda and he knows they are not from the takeaway.
It's hard and I have spent endless hours worrying.
He takes a multivitamin that the dietitian recommended, one with iron in, he puts weight on and the professionals are happy with him but it's difficult to think they are not getting the nutrition they need from there food.