3 years of battling at meal times and now I'm done

[WatermelonSocks]

I struggled with feeding my 3 year old boy since he was born. I just feel like I want to cry now. First he wasn't latching on the breast despite no tongue ties for months. I was extracting milk for four months and feeding him through the bottle all the way until he finally decided he will take the breast at 4 months! I nearly cried of happiness that day.

When he reached 6 months he was showing all signs of readiness to start on solids and there's no technique on the internet that I haven't tried but he HATED solids. I stopped breastfeeding at 8 months as he was constantly wanting to be fed. His first successful solid meal was rusks at 9 months. He survived on milk bottles and some mashed bananas until he turned 14 months. He started having really well blended food such as soups or whatever we are eating but he gags at nearly every spoon. He hates food and will be squirming and crying not wanting to eat. He hates meal times and as much as I try not to show it I hate them too.

He's 3 now and nothing major has changed apart from him loving to eat all sorts of crap: Crisps, chips, biscuits, sweets, breadsticks and the only green that he will eat is a bit of cucumber. THAT'S IT! He absolutely hates everything else. I must admit that I lost it many times and force fed him or told him that he won't leave the table until he finishes what he was given. He eventually gives up and start eating but he gags at the very sight of food and cries. What should take 5 minutes to eat is always 45 minutes to 1 hour/sometimes more.

I'm absolutely sick of it and when we go out he will have nothing but chips. I feel embarassed at times as we're always having bags of crisps because we know fully well he won't eat anything else on the menu and will eventually kick off if he gets hungry. He's such a lovely boy with a strong and funny character and I love him to bits but My god he's so stubborn and I don't want to be that mum who will let her kid take control and do as he pleases but I also don't want to continue anymore with ruining our day at every meal time.

Force-feeding will 100% make things worse. It is far better for him to have a banana and bread roll for dinner every day than force-feeding him. The latter will not help his food issues at all.

Agree that I think you need proper help at this stage.

Ignore the force feed comments, if you haven't had a food refuser you have no idea how hard it is and no idea of the techniques medical professionals suggest. I used pure bribery, you can't leave the table until you eat was daily until dd was much older, she still had to be cajoled to eat greens as an adult! (She's autistic).

I used the get something in her philosophy, sometimes it was just cheerio's and nesquik flavoured milk. I stopped caring what others thought when out and introduced things gradually. She never liked sloppy food, but for instance would eat green beans with a dip (ketchup or mayonnaise) still won't eat any fruit at all.

Just give two meals a day you know he will eat without question and one that challenges a little with bribery eg dessert or watch a favourite cartoon as a prize for trying at least a bit of the less liked food. It will take a long time, sorry, about 2 years for me from when she stopped eating to eating a balanced diet but we were far worse than you described. Wish I could say there's a magic wand but it's a case of patience and perseverance

To add to my post upthread I agree you should approach your doctor or health visitor for advice.
One thing my mum used to make me hot chocolate with milk as a way of getting milk into me.

And I agree it's not intentionally abusive but the end result will sadly be the same. I can't stress how damaging force-feeding a child can be. He will never improve food issues while that is going on.

You need to back off, give him what he will eat, give him a multivitamin, offer new things without comment or cajoling alongside his safe foods, don't talk about food at mealtimes, don't bribe or beg or force. Take all the pressure off, because at the moment meal times are a war zone for you both and no child will thrive in that environment.

Start building a menu around the foods he will eat. If he will eat bread rolls then make your own and enrich them with egg / milk / butter so he gets some protein. If he likes crisps he should also like crackers - experiment with wholgrain options until you find one that sticks. If he likes cake then just make your own, reduce a little sugar, wholewheat plain / selfrising flour and load with veg like carrots / courguettes and dried fruit

I was a good refuser.

Force feeding does not help and is not recommended by any medical professional.

Look into ARFID. It really might be that he just can't eat what you want him to. Go to your GP. Get a referral to a Paediatrician and (because of gagging) a Speech and Language Therapist who can assess his feeding/eating/drinking/swallowing. Absolutely never ever again forcefeed your child. Absolutely never ever again punish him for not eating. I know it's frustrating, for one whole year my boy lived on chicken nuggets, sausage rolls and Liga baby biscuits. I was so worried about his health. But we worked with professionals and now he eats a good few more foods, though his diet is still very restricted. Good luck.

Sounds like he has sensory issues.

You should never force him to eat ever. You know that is not right.

He could also have had reflux and it might physically hurt him to eat. Ask for help from your gp or public health nurse.

I must admit that I lost it many times and force fed him or told him that he won't leave the table until he finishes what he was given. He eventually gives up and start eating but he gags at the very sight of food and cries.

I'm not surprised he cries. You've made a massive issue of meal times. He's 3yo and you've 'lost it' many times?? I'm not bashing you, but please don't force feed him, you know that's not the right way to go.

I understand how crap it is when they don't eat well and you're worried about them losing weight etc, my eldest DD was a rubbish eater at that age. So yea, I've had a food refuser. Never force fed her though.

I saw my uncle do that with my cousin when he was a toddler and it was shocking. Also it didn't work, it just made him sick and his relationship with food is difficult even to this day. As is his relationship with his dad.

Please speak to a HCP rather than struggling along, it's not doing either of you any good.

No, force feeding will not help. But this mum is desperate and at her wits end. Calling her abusive is not helpful. OP. I think you need professional help. See your GP and ask for a SALT referral to work in Oral avoidance.

There is a programme called house of tiny tearaways that was on many years ago that had lots of children with issues like this. Watch some of them on YouTube and see if you can get some ideas from that whilst you wait for Monday to speak to your gp or health visitor for a referral to a specialist. If nothing else it will show you you are far from alone xxx

Another one here for ARFID. Tend to show a preference for beige foods, can (but not always) be alongside weight loss (in older children/adolescents often gets misdiagnosed as anorexia). Children tend to show a preference for certain textures.

Sounds like you need help and support OP. Hope you're ok.

Thank you to all those who answered without making me feel anymore crap than how I already feel.
Thanks to those who suggested ARFID as I've never heard of it before. I've just googled it and yes it looks like that's exactly what we're having!
I've been to his GP twice for this matter over the past year and all I got is that "he looks healthy and his weight is fine so what's the big deal" kinda attitude. His GP doesn't know that it's a battle to keep him healthy and feed him the necessary nutritients every day.
I have tried a myriad of positive strategies to get him to eat from praise, encouragement, singing, playing, role play, story time to buying toys, bribing with screen time and ice cream. I can write a book about the ideas that I've used with him. Nothing. Nada. He's adamant he won't eat.

An important thing to remember is - never feel embarrassed by this. If you are at family/friends for a meal or out in a restaurant and all he will eat is chips then that is no one else's business. If people say anything then ignore them. Remember that. Never feel embarrassed.

Dietitian advice to us was put food on his plate that you know he will eat, as well as some new. So for us it was always chicken nuggets+ something else. Make no comments re food, it stays there for time everyone is eating, cleared with everyone plate, no positive or negative comments. Take the heat out if the situation.

And also, don't be embarrassed. Fuck people if they judge.

Search Sheffield teaching hospital's document, called help for very fussy eaters I think. I can't put the link on, but it has been so helpful to us with our DS. It's so so hard when they don't like food. Hope things get better.

OP I have been there and it’s heartbreaking. My DD would eat more or less nothing. Something like 2 pieces of pasta a day. Your DC actually eats more then she did. We were referred to a psychologist who was useless and was looking for a big dark secret. Our GP thought she would start eating normally once she started school.

In the end, she started eating more or less normally in her late teens. Now age 25 she eats a lot (more than the rest of us) but is still very slim.

Stop force feeding. Go to your GP and ask for help. This is fairly common. It is NOT your fault.

Refer to community dietician
See your GP and ask for a SALT referral to work in Oral avoidance.

Before
Keep week long food diary of everything he eats with quantity and notes for issues
Ask nursery to log as well
Send this to gp

@WatermelonSocks your GP sounds most unhelpful! Your DS sounds very much like my DD at that age. There was about ( things she'd eat with baby consistency and the rest was a battle.

What I tried with my DD (after everything had failed and I found myself getting cross over broccoli for the hundredth time), was going right back to basics. Like when you first introduce finger foods. So I'd make like a little plate of random things such as half a sausage roll, some pieces of fruit and cheese.. random things including a couple of things I knew she'd definitely eat. It took the pressure off both of us (and I had a newborn so I really did have to chill a bit). It also made it easier to track what she'd eaten that day/week. Then I gradually re-introduced proper meals when everything had calmed down.

Write it all down in a diary OP. Going to the GP with the struggles every night for a week written down makes the point much more robustly than a conversation. Write what he will eat down too

My DC can also be a fussy eater, but nowhere near this so I'd definitely take the advice of other pp and investigate to see if there is something else going on.

In the meantime, can you take the stress out of mealtimes by giving him a plate with lots of plain easy options on it (totally separate from each other) that he can pick from? So offer a selection of cut up chicken, fish fingers, cheese, baked beans etc. (so there's a protein), together with some plain rice, pasta, potato, bread or crackers, plus 3-4 veggies or fruit like a small bit of carrot, sweetcorn, cucumber, apple, banana etc. No mixing of food or flavours as some children find this difficult to deal with. And then totally ignore what he chooses to eat from it.

Sensory processing issues
Ask GP for referral to specialist Occupational therapist and/ or speech and language therapist, ideally where they work together.

Find out how long the waiting list is and if waiting list is really long, go private it won't be as much as you think and will be so helpful and supportive so quickly.

They will fully evaluate mouth , and swallowing function, sensory and emotional needs. You don't have to figure this out yourself.

For now just go with what he will eat. Potatoes are full of vitamin c, don't panic about chips. Give vitamin supplements. He's got to 3 he's be ok.
You can contact professional bodies for advice on finding a therapist privately. Royal society of occupational therapists, www.rcot.co.uk Royal society of SLT www.rcslt.org

Good luck! Things will get better.

I’d get some professional help. It’s so hard OP, feeling like a failure because your child won’t eat and desperately trying to change that.
But it sounds like there is definitely something going on. Insist on a referral. In the meantime give him a multi vitamin and the foods he will eat. Stick to the healthiest ones over and over if that makes you feel better

@WatermelonSocks I couldn't not reply to your post. I'm 32 now but I have had ARFID since I was a toddler, sadly not diagnosed until I was 15 but once it was acknowledged as not just fussy eating it was like a weight had been lifted (for me and my parents).

Definitely speak to your Dr and get a dietician referral. They will be able to help.

I just want to reassure you that while I still have issues with food I am a functioning adult who loves a lot of foods I used to hate as a kid (vegetables/healthy food etc.) I have a varied diet now and I don't have to take my own food to places (my mum used to take food for me on holiday ).

As a kid I survived off of pancakes, toast, plain pasta, cereal and at one point a naan bread was a meal of choice.

Things that helped me: my parents served food "family style" so putting it out and helping ourselves, they never commented on what or how much I had on my plate - this resulted in our Friday night Indian food originally just being a naan bread for my dinner, then naan bread and rice and then eventually I tried the curry (started off by dipping my naan bread in). Curries are now one of my favourites.

Maybe try meals being built around something your DS likes - if he will eat plain pasta then offer a sauce like a dip (separate bowl) but don't comment - if he doesn't try it's no big deal, if he does try, it's no big deal.

Always offer something you know he will eat with dinner (slice of toast, handful of dry cereal) even if it "doesn't go". It might just relieve some of the pressure you're feeling around him not eating anything if he's likely to eat something on his plate.

As I got older my parents would always say "if you don't want to try it, or you don't like it, there's -insert something I did like- instead" which relieved some of the stress for me and made me more likely to try something. But if it went untouched my parents never pushed me to try it.

Lastly, I think as a parent of a child with potential ARFID you have to have a thick skin and remember your child sees/hears things. I firmly remember my mum (normally a shy lady) sticking up for me when people used to comment "she wouldn't get away with that if she were mine". My mum was my biggest cheerleader and I will always be grateful for her not being swayed by societal pressures as I feel I'd have had a longer journey if she had.

Good luck with your DS and I hope mealtimes eventually become less stressful for you.