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Original poster

Teen son wants to go to new girlfriends

61 replies

DoleWhipFloat · 27/01/2022 17:04

I’ll try to keep this short. DS is 16. We live in town A, in a safe area. He’s never been allowed to wander streets and attends a nice school where he is expected to get all As in his A levels.

He has a new girlfriend he met online. She lives in a neighbouring town, which is always on ‘the worst places to live in the UK’. But she also lives in the centre of a very deprived area of that town, which has well known drug issues and sadly regular stabbings.

I have welcomed the girlfriend to my home and facilitated organised days out etc. but now he wants to go there and I’m terrified.

Not long ago another teen was stabbed in a mugging, and died in the street.

I don’t want to hold DS back. He’s sensible, wonderful and deserves a life. But it’s not him I’m worried about.

Please help me know what I can do.

OP posts:
sofakingcool · 27/01/2022 17:15

Difficult one!

I think if you stop him, he'll go anyway ie straight after school etc

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 27/01/2022 17:17

@sofakingcool

Difficult one!

I think if you stop him, he'll go anyway ie straight after school etc

They are from different schools about 30 miles distance between. He relies on me for lifts.
OP posts:
sofakingcool · 27/01/2022 17:18

Ah right, do you know if there's any particular reason he's really keen to go?

I do understand your worry, I've got an 18 year old one myself Thanks

HairyScaryMonster · 27/01/2022 17:18

Surely if you're dropping him and he's not wandering the streets he'll be fine. I'm sure his girlfriend's family don't want her stabbed either.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 27/01/2022 17:21

I get your worry but you can't shelter him forever. Many people live and work in areas like this (me included) and remain un-stabbed. It's great he's so academic but IMO gaining a wider understanding of how people live in the UK will help him become more knowledgeable and rounded. He's not long off being an adult!

WeAllHaveWings · 27/01/2022 17:22

Even through he doesn't "wander the streets", by 16 he must be used to going out and about and assessing risks?

Fletchersromancing · 27/01/2022 17:22

He's nearly an adult and from what I've read you seem to trust you son. Plus you have the safety of you giving him a lift. I would let him go.

FindingMeno · 27/01/2022 17:24

I'd let him go.
Teenagers don't learn to risk assess, make sensible choices, gain general life skills etc unless we let them.

QuestionsorComments · 27/01/2022 17:24

A 16 yo really should be able to go anywhere. He's going to meet someone he knows at their home. He needs to be able to do this.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 27/01/2022 17:24

@sofakingcool

Ah right, do you know if there's any particular reason he's really keen to go?

I do understand your worry, I've got an 18 year old one myself Thanks

Thank you.

He just wants to be with her and she’s keen to introduce him to her family and her friends. All natural of course. I’m just worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 27/01/2022 17:25

@HairyScaryMonster

Surely if you're dropping him and he's not wandering the streets he'll be fine. I'm sure his girlfriend's family don't want her stabbed either.
No, this is his reasoning to be fair.
OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 27/01/2022 17:27

@WeAllHaveWings

Even through he doesn't "wander the streets", by 16 he must be used to going out and about and assessing risks?
No, I’m afraid we’ve always lived in an area where there was nowhere really to go out. Play dates were always arranged while he was little and then socialising transitioning to being in school or online. Especially with covid. I can hand on heart say, he’s never just been out and hung out outside with mates.
OP posts:
Gherkingreen · 27/01/2022 17:28

Talk to him about how you feel, the potential risks of going anywhere on his own, make sure he knows what to do in an emergency, set expectations, and remind him to keep his phone charged so he can contact you any time.
Then let him go have fun.
I say this as a parent of DSs 18 and 16. The 18 yo is driving now, which I am finding really hard to deal with, but I'm finding ways to stop my panic getting out of control and to help him grow into a great driver. He'll only achieve that by doing it.
Of course we don't want DCs to be hurt but life is full of potential dangers and I don't think it does our nearly adult/just adult DCs any favours to keep them from spreading their wings, even if our minds go wild and we sit there worrying until they're back home safe and sound!

QuestionsorComments · 27/01/2022 17:28

Even in the roughest parts of town people don't often get stabbed completely randomly.

It's not difficult to stay out of trouble, presumably his GF manages.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 27/01/2022 17:28

Yes you are all right. I need to back off. It’s just a horrible feeling and scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 27/01/2022 17:29

He’s an only child. We could never have more. I’m not sure if this has made me worse.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 27/01/2022 17:32

He’s never been allowed to wander streets

Time he started then, sounds like he could do with being a bit more streetwise. Or do you want him to always go to 'nice' areas?

KatieKryptonite · 27/01/2022 17:33

I live near a town that sounds a lot like the one you describe. Both my kids go to school in the town. There's been stabbings, antisocial behaviour due to booze and so on. My eldest is at 6th form and is allowed to go into town to meet her friends. The vast majority of the violent crime happens between people known to each other. It's incredibly rare, even here, for anyone just to be randomly assualted and stabbed in the street. She sticks with her friends and doesn't go anywhere on her own after dark, she's sensible and I trust her not to get involved with the troublemakers.

LizzieVereker · 27/01/2022 17:36

We’ve just had this exact scenario with DS, so I completely understand your worry. Obviously it was right to let him go, and it did him good. We just made sure he knew some personal safety “tips”. I also reassured myself with the fact that his girlfriend’s family would also be mindful of their daughter’s safety, so risks were minimised.

Healer3601 · 28/01/2022 03:42

It might be okay to tell him that he can make his own decision, but have the facts first and share the dangers you have read about. When it is his own decision, and face the consequence, he might rethink and choose another option.

Ducksurprise · 28/01/2022 04:02

@pinkyredrose

He’s never been allowed to wander streets

Time he started then, sounds like he could do with being a bit more streetwise. Or do you want him to always go to 'nice' areas?

Nothing good comes of wandering the streets.

One of mine has a friend in a challenging area, we just drive them there and back. The friends parents don't allow their child out either, and the child doesn't want to be out there. Sad that it's like it.

FindingMeno · 28/01/2022 06:44

@DoleWhipFloat

Yes you are all right. I need to back off. It’s just a horrible feeling and scary.
Any mum with teenagers gets this and sympathises. It's nothing short of terrifying sometimes and they are so precious to us we just want to wrap them in cotton wool. It's not in their best interests though, and I think I've found it the toughest part of motherhood Flowers
SallyWD · 28/01/2022 07:01

He's 16 and it sounds like he's living a lovely but very sheltered life. At that age me and my friends were regularly travelling to London and Brighton for the weekend. I grew up in a rough town where there were murders and stabbings. I survived! The chance of him actually being attacked while there is very low. I'd just encourage him to avoid the most dangerous areas. He needs to have some freedom at 16.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 10:55

@SallyWD

He's 16 and it sounds like he's living a lovely but very sheltered life. At that age me and my friends were regularly travelling to London and Brighton for the weekend. I grew up in a rough town where there were murders and stabbings. I survived! The chance of him actually being attacked while there is very low. I'd just encourage him to avoid the most dangerous areas. He needs to have some freedom at 16.
Yes, DH and I are fully aware that DS has been very sheltered.

It’s also going to be extremely hard for him to avoid dangerous areas as his girlfriend lives in the middle of a well known (you’ve probably at some point heard of it) estate. The town/city is rough, but the estate is the problem. And that’s where he wants to go.

DS stands out like a sore thumb. He’s the sort of young person who enjoys dressing in business attire. All of his clothes and shoes are designer. He’s very conscious of how he looks. He speaks with a posh twang. He plays golf and enjoys riding horses. He’s ‘posher’ than his dad and I, due to the school he goes to.

His girlfriend is nice. Far more outgoing and street smart. I think he’s fascinated by her and I think she is fascinated by him…they are so different, but laugh and mock each other’s differences good naturedly. But she also tries to make DS jealous by showing messages from other boys, who say things like ‘I’ll kick your boyfriends head in’. All these boys who are apparently competing for her and that does worry me. DS gets quite upset about this.

I guess we’ll have to drop him to her house and hope they stay in. It’s the sort of large estate where everyone knows one another, but they are suspicious of outsiders. No taxis or buses run into the area anymore so he also has to rely on me driving through the estate and I really would have preferred not to.

Parenting is hard. If anything god forbid happened to him, the whole world would say, what on earth possessed you, dropping him off there?

OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 28/01/2022 11:04

But you are happy for this girl to travel miles on her own to visit your son?

Look. I brought my sons up in an area that you would no doubt have a fit about. The nonsense around us was not anything my sons, or my sons friends, were involved in. They have grown and gone to excellent Unis, involved in no trouble, we witnessed no crime.

The chances of actually being involved are tiny.

To be frank, it seems to me that you are both a snob, and letting your fears keep your son in a bubble.

How will he learn to walk the streets (any streets) with confidence? Walk away from trouble. Don’t stare or lol at people. Go about your business briskly and purposefully with your phone deep in your pocket?

His girlfriend lives there happily!

OK, suggest he goes for a weekend day or afternoon.

And for heavens sake teach him to use public transport.

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