Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Teen son wants to go to new girlfriends

61 replies

DoleWhipFloat · 27/01/2022 17:04

I’ll try to keep this short. DS is 16. We live in town A, in a safe area. He’s never been allowed to wander streets and attends a nice school where he is expected to get all As in his A levels.

He has a new girlfriend he met online. She lives in a neighbouring town, which is always on ‘the worst places to live in the UK’. But she also lives in the centre of a very deprived area of that town, which has well known drug issues and sadly regular stabbings.

I have welcomed the girlfriend to my home and facilitated organised days out etc. but now he wants to go there and I’m terrified.

Not long ago another teen was stabbed in a mugging, and died in the street.

I don’t want to hold DS back. He’s sensible, wonderful and deserves a life. But it’s not him I’m worried about.

Please help me know what I can do.

OP posts:
WhatScratch · 28/01/2022 11:10

’He’s the sort of young person who enjoys dressing in business attire’

Righhhht.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 11:16

@WhatScratch

’He’s the sort of young person who enjoys dressing in business attire’

Righhhht.

What I mean by this, is, he dresses like he’s on the apprentice - fashionable, but smart trousers and shoes, blazer, not always a tie, sometimes just an open collar, watch etc. He’s not one for jeans or tracksuits. It’s just his preference, most of his friends are the same I believe.
OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 11:36

@HomeHomeInTheRange

But you are happy for this girl to travel miles on her own to visit your son?

Look. I brought my sons up in an area that you would no doubt have a fit about. The nonsense around us was not anything my sons, or my sons friends, were involved in. They have grown and gone to excellent Unis, involved in no trouble, we witnessed no crime.

The chances of actually being involved are tiny.

To be frank, it seems to me that you are both a snob, and letting your fears keep your son in a bubble.

How will he learn to walk the streets (any streets) with confidence? Walk away from trouble. Don’t stare or lol at people. Go about your business briskly and purposefully with your phone deep in your pocket?

His girlfriend lives there happily!

OK, suggest he goes for a weekend day or afternoon.

And for heavens sake teach him to use public transport.

I apologise if that’s how it’s coming across. I’m just anxious.
OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/01/2022 11:36

DS stands out like a sore thumb. He’s the sort of young person who enjoys dressing in business attire. All of his clothes and shoes are designer. He’s very conscious of how he looks. He speaks with a posh twang. He plays golf and enjoys riding horses. He’s ‘posher’ than his dad and I, due to the school he goes to

Well you brought him up to he like this.

No taxis or buses run into the area anymore

Are you saying that taxi's refuse to go there because it's so rough?

QuestionsorComments · 28/01/2022 11:39

You're right he's going to get eaten alive, probably by her family Grin

Surely even the poshest schools don't teach students to be quite so socially unaware.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 11:47

@pinkyredrose

DS stands out like a sore thumb. He’s the sort of young person who enjoys dressing in business attire. All of his clothes and shoes are designer. He’s very conscious of how he looks. He speaks with a posh twang. He plays golf and enjoys riding horses. He’s ‘posher’ than his dad and I, due to the school he goes to

Well you brought him up to he like this.

No taxis or buses run into the area anymore

Are you saying that taxi's refuse to go there because it's so rough?

Yes, taxis do not go into the area.
OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 28/01/2022 12:52

I apologise if that’s how it’s coming across.
I’m just anxious

I get that, and sympathise over your anxiety: ALL of us parents feel a bit anxious each time our Dc take another step forwards.

But I think you need to look carefully and rationally at the source of your anxiety and be honest.

You know your Ds has been (very) sheltered.
You presumably know that this is not in his long term interests unless he learns to navigate steps towards adulthood and different environments.

You have regard for his girlfriend (which is nice), but you know and are prepared for HER to travel to see your Ds. She isn’t a different species born to survive on an estate, she is simply another young person with the same level of risk as your Ds.

How much if your anxiety is based on prejudice and sensational stories about the kind of area you never go to? I can tell you I am sick of what gets said about the area I live in by MNers who would never deign to come here. Yes, it is an area where crime happens but (sadly for those who are involved) it doesn’t involve those who are not involved. And even here the vast majority of families have strong values and are doing their best to support their kids. Who do very well in the excellent local comp, even though it also caters for young people involved in and at risk of criminal activity.

Like many who choose private or other socially selective education (e.g many grammars) You have made a safe haven (you hope) by ensuring your child mixed with ‘people like you’. His new girlfriend presents a challenge.

Retreat in fear… or try and get a perspective and have chnfud

HomeHomeInTheRange · 28/01/2022 12:53

Have confidence in your own ability to be more open minded, and your Ds’s common sense.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 12:59

@HomeHomeInTheRange

*I apologise if that’s how it’s coming across. I’m just anxious*

I get that, and sympathise over your anxiety: ALL of us parents feel a bit anxious each time our Dc take another step forwards.

But I think you need to look carefully and rationally at the source of your anxiety and be honest.

You know your Ds has been (very) sheltered.
You presumably know that this is not in his long term interests unless he learns to navigate steps towards adulthood and different environments.

You have regard for his girlfriend (which is nice), but you know and are prepared for HER to travel to see your Ds. She isn’t a different species born to survive on an estate, she is simply another young person with the same level of risk as your Ds.

How much if your anxiety is based on prejudice and sensational stories about the kind of area you never go to? I can tell you I am sick of what gets said about the area I live in by MNers who would never deign to come here. Yes, it is an area where crime happens but (sadly for those who are involved) it doesn’t involve those who are not involved. And even here the vast majority of families have strong values and are doing their best to support their kids. Who do very well in the excellent local comp, even though it also caters for young people involved in and at risk of criminal activity.

Like many who choose private or other socially selective education (e.g many grammars) You have made a safe haven (you hope) by ensuring your child mixed with ‘people like you’. His new girlfriend presents a challenge.

Retreat in fear… or try and get a perspective and have chnfud

You’re absolutely right. I know you are.

I will try, for my son’s sake. I’ve mistakenly clung on and controlled what he did to keep him safe and I now feel that I’ve made things worse.

Oh bollocks.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/01/2022 13:42

Yes, taxis do not go into the area

Where the fuck does she live, Beirut?

How does the girl get to and from there or are you not concerned about that?

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 13:54

@pinkyredrose

Yes, taxis do not go into the area

Where the fuck does she live, Beirut?

How does the girl get to and from there or are you not concerned about that?

When my son has asked to meet her at bowling or the cinema we’ve just dropped him off at the set time and collected him afterwards. I don’t usually see her during these times, so I don’t know how she gets there or home.

We’ve picked her up from school a few times to bring her to ours and her mum collected her as we are quite a distance away.

You must remember, they are newly dating. They have only been together about 2 months and meeting up over about 5 weeks (one of which she had covid), so they’ve been out less than a handful of times. It’s very early days.

OP posts:
user33323 · 28/01/2022 14:02

Only wanting your nearly adult son to go to 'naice' areas is exactly how you raise someone with the social depth of Boris Johnson.

I live in 'one of those towns'. I don't let my 15 year old wander the streets, it isn't a given that they are all left to socialise themselves on the streets. I am not in any way scared of being stabbed when I walk home in the dark. I have some very deprived neighbours, all very responsible parents. Would you let him go shopping or to the cinema in a city centre before he turns 18? Because the risks of being involved in anti social behaviour in a city are higher than in a house in a deprived town.

user33323 · 28/01/2022 14:08

The first time my teen went on a date, it was with us as a family, and we dropped the 15 year old home afterwards, even though it was a 30 minute drive away, so we could know where they lived and meet the parent. I do think it's odd that you have collected him from things like bowling without also asking to be introduced to the girlfriend or making sure she had a safe way to get home herself. If you are collecting one why not the other?

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 14:44

@user33323

The first time my teen went on a date, it was with us as a family, and we dropped the 15 year old home afterwards, even though it was a 30 minute drive away, so we could know where they lived and meet the parent. I do think it's odd that you have collected him from things like bowling without also asking to be introduced to the girlfriend or making sure she had a safe way to get home herself. If you are collecting one why not the other?
I understand what you are saying. But as I said, they’ve been out together 2 or 3 times and she’s visited us twice with lifts.

The first few times they met up, I dropped him to the bowling place and she hadn’t arrived. When DH picked him up, she’d left. Same when they went to the cinema.

We hadn’t met her at that point and neither DH or I thought to ask to meet her and felt that it wasn’t accidental that we never got to see her those first few dates.

It’s not that we don’t care about her well-being and we are not opposed to giving anyone a lift, especially if it’s DH doing the picking up.

OP posts:
DearlyBeloathed · 28/01/2022 14:47

Only wanting your nearly adult son to go to 'naice' areas is exactly how you raise someone with the social depth of Boris Johnson

Absolutely.

Poor girl, it's not her fault where she lives. As another poster said, it's fine for her to have to travel constantly, but not okay for you DS to go. Very fair.

PinchOfVom · 28/01/2022 14:56

My kids go to a public school and they’d be eaten alive if they started trotting about in business attire.... I find this... incredible

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 15:06

@DearlyBeloathed

Only wanting your nearly adult son to go to 'naice' areas is exactly how you raise someone with the social depth of Boris Johnson

Absolutely.

Poor girl, it's not her fault where she lives. As another poster said, it's fine for her to have to travel constantly, but not okay for you DS to go. Very fair.

With all due respect, no one has said it’s ok for her to do all the travelling and of course it’s not her fault where she lives.

But, I’m not her parent. Surely it’s her parents job to worry for her and my job to worry for my DS?

I’ve acknowledged that I have to allow DS freedoms and I’ve admitted to struggling with this.

I’m lucky, I realise that I’m privileged to live in a nice safe place and I also know that there are many decent people who live in deprived areas…but…I’m still scared.

Im asking for advice. How did people ‘let go’ and overcome their fears? Some people have given me fantastic advice that I’ll take on board.

But I feel that some individuals are literally just stating that I don’t give a shit about this girl. That I’m a horrible person.

I have one child. He’s been spoiled his whole life. In that respect I hold my hands up and admit, I’ve done a shit job. I’ve babied him, spoiled him and he’s never had to struggle or work for anything except his school work. Now I have somehow got to flip the switch and be a parent that I don’t know how to be.

You can tell me what a fuck up I am. How I’ve done him a disservice. How monstrous I must be not asking to meet his girlfriend and picking up/dropping her home on date 1 and 2, but ffs, can you at least follow it up with something constructive?

OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 15:07

@PinchOfVom

My kids go to a public school and they’d be eaten alive if they started trotting about in business attire.... I find this... incredible
It’s his style. What do I do? He chooses his own clothes. It’s actually part of what she likes about him.
OP posts:
DonnyBurrito · 28/01/2022 15:26

I can imagine how easy it could be to wrap your precious only son up in cotton wool, I'm worried I'm going to end up doing the same with mine... Although you've obviously been doing something right, as he sounds very bright and not like a snob at all. Why not drop him off and wait somewhere nearby for the day to pick him up again later? Surely there will be a nice enough pub within 5 miles of her house. Take a book, have a few coffees, get something to eat. If he needs you then you're close by, if he doesn't - great. Do this once or twice, or until you all feel a bit more comfortable. You need to find a compromise where you aren't restricting him, but you also aren't sat at home driving yourself insane with worry.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 28/01/2022 15:29

@DonnyBurrito

I can imagine how easy it could be to wrap your precious only son up in cotton wool, I'm worried I'm going to end up doing the same with mine... Although you've obviously been doing something right, as he sounds very bright and not like a snob at all. Why not drop him off and wait somewhere nearby for the day to pick him up again later? Surely there will be a nice enough pub within 5 miles of her house. Take a book, have a few coffees, get something to eat. If he needs you then you're close by, if he doesn't - great. Do this once or twice, or until you all feel a bit more comfortable. You need to find a compromise where you aren't restricting him, but you also aren't sat at home driving yourself insane with worry.
Thank you so much 🙏 I really appreciate this message.
OP posts:
irregularegular · 28/01/2022 15:30

Well the girlfriend seems to have survived so far, so I think his odds are pretty good....

I think you are being a bit precious.

irregularegular · 28/01/2022 15:33

It’s his style. What do I do? He chooses his own clothes. It’s actually part of what she likes about him

And that's fine, but there are some places where dressing like this might not be entirely wise and I'd be inclined to point this out to him to be honest.

NerrSnerr · 28/01/2022 15:42

I imagine that your son will be at university in a couple of year's time and he'll have to negotiate different places and evaluate risk. You need to allow him to develop these skills.

How far is the 'no go' zone for taxis and busses? It can't be that far can it or no one who lives there could ever get anywhere- people wouldn't work or go into the town/ city centre! How does his girlfriend travel places?

ivfbabymomma1 · 28/01/2022 15:48

I honestly feel for you I do! I have one son who's 2 born through ivf and I live in fear every day ands he's not even a teenager yet! I'm on the same path as you for sure! But I was all for saying him go until you said taxis won't go there?

NerrSnerr · 28/01/2022 15:57

I have been thinking about it being a 'no go' area for busses and taxis and I can't believe it. If it's an estate there will need to be public transport. How do people who live there get around? How far do they need to walk to get on a bus? (And if that's the case could your son's girlfriend meet him at the closest bus stop and walk home with him?)

There may be a couple of roads that are 'no go' or tower blocks- for example as a student nurse I had a placement in an area where a couple of tower blocks we needed a police escort to go inside etc but they couldn't just cut a whole estate off from everyone.