Teen son wants to go to new girlfriends

[DoleWhipFloat]

I’ll try to keep this short. DS is 16. We live in town A, in a safe area. He’s never been allowed to wander streets and attends a nice school where he is expected to get all As in his A levels.

He has a new girlfriend he met online. She lives in a neighbouring town, which is always on ‘the worst places to live in the UK’. But she also lives in the centre of a very deprived area of that town, which has well known drug issues and sadly regular stabbings.

I have welcomed the girlfriend to my home and facilitated organised days out etc. but now he wants to go there and I’m terrified.

Not long ago another teen was stabbed in a mugging, and died in the street.

I don’t want to hold DS back. He’s sensible, wonderful and deserves a life. But it’s not him I’m worried about.

Please help me know what I can do.

@DonnyBurrito

I can imagine how easy it could be to wrap your precious only son up in cotton wool, I'm worried I'm going to end up doing the same with mine... Although you've obviously been doing something right, as he sounds very bright and not like a snob at all. Why not drop him off and wait somewhere nearby for the day to pick him up again later? Surely there will be a nice enough pub within 5 miles of her house. Take a book, have a few coffees, get something to eat. If he needs you then you're close by, if he doesn't - great. Do this once or twice, or until you all feel a bit more comfortable. You need to find a compromise where you aren't restricting him, but you also aren't sat at home driving yourself insane with worry.

I think this is great advice OP. I completely understand your predicament. We live in a lovely safe village where we're happy for our teens to walk to the gym (local small leisure centre), nip to the shops, go on a daytime walk (v rural) with friends. However, they don't go out in the dark alone and don't hang about on the streets.

My DD is almost 15 and I'm aware she'll be at university in a few years so we're slowly giving them more independence, but I would be as wary as you in your position.

For what it's worth you sound like you've done a great job raising a lovely young man

@DoleWhipFloat

Don’t get me wrong, he sounds great and I look forward to my children drop the overgrown toddler look myself

BUT there’s a time and a place for trying to fit in a bit

At least get him to wear a long coat

OP, how do you move forwards? Take a deep breath and let him go to hers!

How about they meet in town, give him money for a pizza for them both, and he goes back home with her for tea. You could collect him later in the evening.

Get him used to going into your local town on public transport.

It’s a skill. It’s good for them. Builds resilience, people skills, life skills, independence.

And is normal.

@NerrSnerr

I imagine that your son will be at university in a couple of year's time and he'll have to negotiate different places and evaluate risk. You need to allow him to develop these skills.

How far is the 'no go' zone for taxis and busses? It can't be that far can it or no one who lives there could ever get anywhere- people wouldn't work or go into the town/ city centre! How does his girlfriend travel places?

At the moment it’s the whole estate apparently due to antisocial behaviour. But the estate is linked to a major road at one side, which I imagine still gets the buses and taxis as it goes through the city. It would be catching the bus somewhere along there and possibly a 15 minute walk through the estate to her house. I was originally assuming his girlfriend got lifts like my son does, but it might be that she walks. I’d be happy to offer them both lifts initially.

@ivfbabymomma1

I honestly feel for you I do! I have one son who's 2 born through ivf and I live in fear every day ands he's not even a teenager yet! I'm on the same path as you for sure! But I was all for saying him go until you said taxis won't go there?

Glad it’s not just me.

But at the same time, I can feel myself starting to suffocate him. I just want him to be happy. Xx

I agree with getting him to go on public transport. I remember starting university with people who had never independently got on a bus before.

I lived in a small town growing up but from age 16 worked part time as a hostess in a city centre restaurant- it was great as I got to mix with a range of people, learned some street smarts from getting myself there and back (and drinking with colleagues). It really helped me grow up and more independent.

@NerrSnerr

I have been thinking about it being a 'no go' area for busses and taxis and I can't believe it. If it's an estate there will need to be public transport. How do people who live there get around? How far do they need to walk to get on a bus? (And if that's the case could your son's girlfriend meet him at the closest bus stop and walk home with him?)

There may be a couple of roads that are 'no go' or tower blocks- for example as a student nurse I had a placement in an area where a couple of tower blocks we needed a police escort to go inside etc but they couldn't just cut a whole estate off from everyone.

@Whistleforthechoir Thank you I appreciate that. I’m not sure I was prepared for some of the responses even though I see that in many instances they are fair. That PP have amazing advice, I’m definitely taking mental notes!

[quote PinchOfVom]@DoleWhipFloat

Don’t get me wrong, he sounds great and I look forward to my children drop the overgrown toddler look myself

BUT there’s a time and a place for trying to fit in a bit

At least get him to wear a long coat[/quote]
Actually that made me laugh, thank you.

In fairness to DS he’s very tall and he does keep himself in good shape at the gym. He also has a bit of stubble. He looks like a young man in his narrow trousers, shiny shoes and blazers. He likes the GQ Chris Hemsworth look. That’s who he fashions himself after. He doesn’t look as geeky as it sounds. It’s just really smart.

He acts like a young man. I need to treat him like one.

@HomeHomeInTheRange

OP, how do you move forwards? Take a deep breath and let him go to hers!

How about they meet in town, give him money for a pizza for them both, and he goes back home with her for tea. You could collect him later in the evening.

Get him used to going into your local town on public transport.

It’s a skill. It’s good for them. Builds resilience, people skills, life skills, independence.

And is normal.

Yes, he does need to start. It would be helpful for me too not to have to ferry him everywhere. DH and I both work full time, so it’s always a struggle.

Thanks for the advice.

@NerrSnerr

I agree with getting him to go on public transport. I remember starting university with people who had never independently got on a bus before.

I lived in a small town growing up but from age 16 worked part time as a hostess in a city centre restaurant- it was great as I got to mix with a range of people, learned some street smarts from getting myself there and back (and drinking with colleagues). It really helped me grow up and more independent.

I think having a little job would actually be a great idea and getting himself there and back on top. I started working at 14 for a £1 an hour. And I caught a bus.

I think this is definitely a way forward alongside the gf issue. Thank you.

My 17 year old went to a party last Saturday, which involved him walking from the tube station through an area that's also known for stabbings. He was wearing black tie.

I let him go because I can't restrict his life by worrying about something that is, statistically, highly unlikely. I was glad when he was safely home, but he's got to venture into the big bad world at some point.