Personal boundaries with your kids?

[Undercovva]

What are your personal boundaries with your kids? Mine are 6 and 3 and up until maybe a year ago, I felt persistently exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.

Having grown up in a dysfunctional family where our lives revolved around alcohol, I have made it my mission to create a wonderful childhood for my kids, to the detriment of myself. I realised this when my friend said to me "so you spent your whole childhood coming bottom of the list and you're going to punish yourself by spending your adulthood doing the same.",

It hit me like a ton of bricks when she put it like that.

My 6 year old had constant control of the remote control whenever we were relaxing at home, our weekends used to be spent doing kid orientated stuff all weekend, every weekend, I was around for every bed time, every school run, my clothes were threadbare whilst they swanned around in higher branded high street clothes that looked beautiful. They never stayed anywhere over night and the youngest was still getting in bed with me each night whilst DH was kicked out into the spare bed.

I've since joined the gym, go to a painting group, get my nails done and have had some moles removed. I do feel better, but still find that my kids are so used to being revolved around that they interrupt my adult conversations and both talk incessantly.

Recently, I have imposed a boundary where they're not allowed to tell long stories when I'm cooking or driving. This is after burning myself a few times and also skipping a red light. I really can't concentrate on 2 things at once. My eldest daughter has a stammer and this goes against all the advice we've been given about giving her space and time to talk whenever she wants it and getting down to her level. It was mentality killing me following this "plan" as I was so drained by it. I feel guilty but it has made such a difference to my mental enjoyment famiy life since saying "is this a time to talk or is mummy needing to concentrate right now?" Sometimes she looks sad when I say it, but I just couldn't go on with it. Her younger sister is similar, also developing a stammer, so I've erected the same boundary early on.

I also find that DH isn't so great with boundaries so will allow them to interrupt/ talk at inappropriate times, lets it go, ignores it and then yells at them. I just think that boundaries are so much better than resorting to that.

Last night, DH and I were trying to watch something on TV at 6pm, the DCs had their toys out before bed time, but instead the 6 YO took to yelling and wailing loudly, climbing all over us and jumping around for attention. They're just not used to not having control of what's on TV... it made me think that a boundary needs to be had here.

What boundaries do other parents have?

I already do the same @macaroniCheeseCat
Fine to chat on long stretches of road, not when reversing, navigating juctions and roundabouts etc

There are some really weird responses on here.

No, kids don't get to have 100% control of the remote. You're a family and no-one comes first every single minute of the day, when it comes to TV or anything else. If kids are brought up with kind of entitlement at 3 and 6, when are the parents ever going to get control back? After all, they're going to stay up later and later.

Yes, they often got brought along on shopping trips etc, because my DH and I liked to make decisions together, and he was one of those rare blokes who actually quite liked shopping. We'd get them involved to make it a bit more interesting, and the trips would generally end up with a (small) treat, so they were used to this from toddlerhood.

And yes, sometimes they have to wait for attention "Mummy just needs a bit of quiet time while she..."

And yep, bedtime was when we said it was and that went. As per the pp, they could read for as long as they liked, but it was bedroom time.

And no, they didn't jump over us when we were occupied or focused on something. Our "no" was always calm but firm.

Of course, underlying all this, we knew that our kids were our priority. But most of the time they weren't privy to the conversations about those decisions where our needs had to be put on the back burner, and they were oblivious. As far as they were concerned, we were four people who were equally important, and they grew up knowing that some things had to be negotiated, and being appreciative when they were able to have what they asked for, whether it was Firemen Sam on TV, or in time, a lift back from a .club at midnight.

The TV one is very ambitious I think! DH will sometimes have the football on but we have two TVs/sitting areas. And generally if the other TV isn’t on at the same time with a kids’ show, I’m available to play, read or whatever with the kids (similar ages to yours) as I don’t like football.

The others though I think are all fair enough, you have to decide your own personal boundaries. DH absolutely hates being climbed on, especially by our eldest, and I sometimes think he’s being mean when he snaps/tells them off, but that’s his own boundary. It’s probably a good idea now too before they get bigger!

I also think the interruption is an important one, DH and I often tell our DC not to interrupt and they have to wait until we finish talking. My eldest also knows to be quiet if I’ve asked him to because I’m concentrating on something hard for me (usually trying to park the car!). It’s not for long though, I think we need to make sure the boundaries are age appropriate - my eldest is old enough to be quiet for a few minutes while I concentrate in the car but not for long, without something to keep him occupied.

@Undercovva

"Couldn't you watch it when they are in bed?" Why *@trumpisagit* ? What is this teaching children about resilience? About having to be patient and not always being at the centre of everything and not always enjoying everything in life?

This occured to me a few months ago- I took my eldest daughter food shopping with me and she literally cried with boredom. I had to endure this every Saturday morning throughout my childhood. She's never been made to do much out of her comfort zone at all. And I think this is when they get a shock later on, as teenagers when suddenly, the world doesn't revolve around them anymore. This is when the mental health issues and anxiety kicks in for them because they realise that the world won't always work in their favour.

I absolutely agree with you.

My friends life revolved around giving her kids what they wanted and they had really bad MH issues in their teens and were absolutely vile to her.

She never could put in boundaries after that and had to endure her own MH spiralling until they worked out for themselves how to be happy - which meant accepting boundaries were healthy.

My ds always had my attention. But if I'm cooking then I also say he needs to wait. We reconvene his conversation at the dinner table. Same as in car. I
Sometimes it's fine (motorway) and sometimes he needs to accept I need to concentrate.

Growing up sometimes if watch something and he'd have his toys out. There was an agreement he didn't interrupt me and I also respected that vice verse.

He's now 17 and we still have these rules. He'll happily come in lounge and ask if he can change the channel to watch something. It's not made him think he's unloved. If just says "are you watching that or can I change the channel". If I am I say when he can return but mostly I allow him.

It's very important for children to see their parents (especially mums) as a human being who loves them but is a separate person with wants and needs if their own who needs respect.

This is a really interesting and valuable thread. I think I am too soft with my kids (and a lot of people tell me so!) and this is at my own expense.
I'm reminded though if one day picking up my older dc from nursery, I was really tired and the baby was probs crying. Awkward junction so I asked nicely if she could stop talking for a minute etc, asked again, carried on. Eventually I bellowed "BE QUIET!" and now if I say I'm driving be quiet, they both are. Maybe I'm not that soft?!

@BowerOfBramble

One rule I remember from my own childhood was “if adults are speaking to each other, don’t interrupt.” Instead I used to come up to where they were and wait - they’d finish their sentence or whatever and say “Bramble, what’s up?”

Worked fine and I reeeeaally noticed (and found annoying) the kids of my own age who hadn’t been taught that.

Kids interrupting is awful. It's the one thing I've been really really firm on and my 2 never do it. Numerous friends allow their DC to interrupt and it drives me mad. I'll politely ask their DC to not interrupt if they do it whilst the parent and I are talking, I don't care if it raises eyebrows or makes me unpopular, I can't stand it.

I can listen and drive but I can't play I Spy or any other mind numbing games we don't watch much tv that's suitable for dc but certainly if I say the tv goes off, it needs to be turned off.

I do find kids who are played with and interacted with constantly by adults esp their parents to be quite stressy and fussy. I think adults mistakenly believe it will make them less anxious but the opposite is true. Kids need to learn emotional regulation and distress tolerance, even rudimentary skills when they're very young. I spent long periods of my childhood and teens extremely bored. But it's made me very independent and resourceful and when I was a kid pretty creative. When my dad looked after me (working from home mum out at work) we'd go out in the car as he had to hand deliver loads of leaflets and documents and things. We'd go out and I'd stick the stuff through the letterbox. I hated it it was so boring! But there was never a hint that he'd stop doing what he needed to do and play with me endlessly.

My niece is very clingy and stressy, she's 5 constantly crawling all over both parents. I've found out she wakes anytime between 5.30 and 7 and my sister will play with her for up to 2 hours every morning before school. It's not helpful!

We don't watch TV until after 8pm. Until then our dcs can watch what they like. When everyone has a turn of watching what they like, it is better. I bring dcs on short shopping trips with ne, then go to a cafe. They are 10 and 12 now.

When they were very young, I would tell them not to interrupt me for the half hour at the weekend while having my morning coffee. I bring them for short walks individually. They often talk about things then. I know it is hard to concentrate on a story when cooking. I try not to get all branded stuff for them. We mix and match branded and supermarket. Because I work, I can't be shabby. I do not follow fashion, but I ensure I have a good coat and shoes. I buy marks and spencer stuff. I try not to wear anything shabby.

I think you are going too child centred. They will turn out better if you show them that you are important too and need nice clothes and tv programmes.

I agree with @Tal45 and @trumpisagit

You've gone from one extreme to another here OP.

Of course you should have boundaries and rules in place, but just before bedtime is a time when little ones are tired, and most likely to be irritable and needing a bit of adult support. I think the concept of 2 adults sitting and watching TV at 6pm whilst ignoring their small dc is pretty odd, to be honest.
I would not be ignoring the professional, expert advice about my dcs' speech difficulties either. That is bizarre.

Yes, of course dc shouldn't have free run of the remote control (to use your example). Yes, it is important for parents to make some time for themselves. Yes, dc need to learn to read the situation and decide which things you CAN interrupt people with and which are the things you might have to wait a minute for......that is an ongoing thing for all children.
But the examples you have given do not sound like healthy parenting at all.

Oh my goodness, the horror at not letting children tell your torturously long stories in the car

I have the same rule OP, sometimes because I need to concentrate, sometimes just because I can’t bear any more noise and them all shouting over each trying to get my attention. I just say “right, we’re having quiet time now”.

I also sometimes just take a break if I need it and tell them I’m going to my bedroom and don’t want to be disturbed unless it’s an emergency. I’ve been known to lock the door.

I also sometimes tell them not to disturb me while I’m cooking if I need some downtime.

They’re supposed to not disturb me when I’m on the phone but they really struggle with that, my 4 & 7 year olds particularly, so we’re still working on that.

I don’t tend to try to watch my own tv programmes when they’re awake because I’d rather watch unsuitable stuff, but sometimes I choose the movie if we’re having a movie night.

Boundaries are hard for me too. But they're made even harder by my DH. He has ADHD, and sometimes it's infuriating. He is regularly interrupting me explaining to of the children they've behaved rudely in order to tell them the exact same thing in the most complicated way possible, deviating into about a dozen unrelated tangents and then getting annoyed when everyone looks bewildered.

With him I've had to raise my voice slightly and firmly say "I am still speaking" and then continue as if I wasn't just talked over by him. Because otherwise one of us is undermined. It's exhausting to try and teach healthy boundaries when you weren't allowed them when you were growing up. It's more exhausting when your DH has no concept of them!

I a,ways had the rule "interrupt for bleeding, emergencies and death". That included when I was using the loo!

Someday I'm having a bowel movement.
Ds "mum mum mum"
Me "is It an emergency"

Ds "yes I have blood pouring from my chin".

He did require surgical gluing!!!!!

Any parent who can give 100% attention to their children’s long stories whenever the child wants to tell one is an absolute saint, but I am not a saint
Sometimes I will listen, sometimes I won’t.

As far as they were concerned, we were four people who were equally important, and they grew up knowing that some things had to be negotiated, and being appreciative when they were able to have what they asked for, whether it was Firemen Sam on TV, or in time, a lift back from a .club at midnight.

This is nice, there are some lovely posts on here. So many parents do seem to fall into a loop of putting their kids' wants first, and then struggle to get their own lives/brains back.

I would not be ignoring the professional, expert advice about my dcs' speech difficulties either. That is bizarre.

I'm pretty sure the speech therapist meant let your child talk things out etc whenever possible, not stop everything to listen to them regardless of whether it might end up in a car crash/mum with severe burns. You've got to use common sense.

OP - do you also find time for more talking-focused activities with your kids? I.e. when they won't be distracting you dangerously? with the eldest particularly I guess

@N4ish

I think your expectations are too high. I wouldn't try to watch an adult programme on tv at 6pm while my young children are still up and playing. That's not me having no boundaries, it's just recognising that when little kids are around I'm going to be constantly needed for this and that and there's no point expecting undisturbed adult time.

I agree with this. Usually I want to watch something that I wouldn't be happy for my kids to watch anyway. So I wait until they go to bed. DH watches the football and that will be on when the kids are up. They are a bit older and do have their own TV now anyway.

I understand what you're trying to say here though OP. A few things are coming out of your OP that are similar to my DC. My DC are being assessed for ASD. I choose My battles. I don't drag my kids to the supermarket but I do make them do somethings they don't want to do that I do (on family days out, visiting family etc). The talking thing is difficult. It's OK to say 'Now isn't a good time' but you also need to make sure that you make a time for them when it is a good time IYSWIM. So if you cant talk to them when cooking, make sure they have your undivided attention when you eat.

I a,ways had the rule "interrupt for bleeding, emergencies and death"

Ah yes. I used to ask mine if anyone was bleeding or if there were a fire. If not, then they waited.

@bowerofbramble our focussed chatting times are on the walk to and from school, dinner times and we have a long chat at bed times so I think we have a good balance of opportunities for long stories.

We have conversations inbetween times of course, but we also tend to be cooking/getting ready/rushing out of the door etc so can't have the very long stories.

The walk to school is 20 minutes, which we do twice a day.

@itsgettingweird

I a,ways had the rule "interrupt for bleeding, emergencies and death". That included when I was using the loo!

Someday I'm having a bowel movement.
Ds "mum mum mum"
Me "is It an emergency"

Ds "yes I have blood pouring from my chin".

He did require surgical gluing!!!!!

😂 this made me laugh!

@Glowtastic

I do find kids who are played with and interacted with constantly by adults esp their parents to be quite stressy and fussy. I think adults mistakenly believe it will make them less anxious but the opposite is true. Kids need to learn emotional regulation and distress tolerance, even rudimentary skills when they're very young. I spent long periods of my childhood and teens extremely bored. But it's made me very independent and resourceful and when I was a kid pretty creative. When my dad looked after me (working from home mum out at work) we'd go out in the car as he had to hand deliver loads of leaflets and documents and things. We'd go out and I'd stick the stuff through the letterbox. I hated it it was so boring! But there was never a hint that he'd stop doing what he needed to do and play with me endlessly.

My niece is very clingy and stressy, she's 5 constantly crawling all over both parents. I've found out she wakes anytime between 5.30 and 7 and my sister will play with her for up to 2 hours every morning before school. It's not helpful!

I agree @glowtastic that this isn't helpful. My exes parents were panderers and I was shocked when he got a call from them each morning to get him up for work! 😳

"It's very important for children to see their parents (especially mums) as a human being who loves them but is a separate person with wants and needs if their own who needs respect" I realised this after burning myself out answering every question and listening to every long, droning story. Honestly, I've felt much better since. The gym has helped, having the moles removed has boosted my confidence, but the boundaries have lifted huge weights.

the horror at not letting children tell your torturously long stories in the car

Mmm, but it’s not as simple as that.

Children do tell long, often full stories, bur conversation is an art and I don’t think you can expect children to know how to do it without practice, in a sense.

Have a read or listen to this OP: www.janetlansbury.com/2020/06/how-self-care-and-boundaries-work-together/