Personal boundaries with your kids?

[Undercovva]

What are your personal boundaries with your kids? Mine are 6 and 3 and up until maybe a year ago, I felt persistently exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.

Having grown up in a dysfunctional family where our lives revolved around alcohol, I have made it my mission to create a wonderful childhood for my kids, to the detriment of myself. I realised this when my friend said to me "so you spent your whole childhood coming bottom of the list and you're going to punish yourself by spending your adulthood doing the same.",

It hit me like a ton of bricks when she put it like that.

My 6 year old had constant control of the remote control whenever we were relaxing at home, our weekends used to be spent doing kid orientated stuff all weekend, every weekend, I was around for every bed time, every school run, my clothes were threadbare whilst they swanned around in higher branded high street clothes that looked beautiful. They never stayed anywhere over night and the youngest was still getting in bed with me each night whilst DH was kicked out into the spare bed.

I've since joined the gym, go to a painting group, get my nails done and have had some moles removed. I do feel better, but still find that my kids are so used to being revolved around that they interrupt my adult conversations and both talk incessantly.

Recently, I have imposed a boundary where they're not allowed to tell long stories when I'm cooking or driving. This is after burning myself a few times and also skipping a red light. I really can't concentrate on 2 things at once. My eldest daughter has a stammer and this goes against all the advice we've been given about giving her space and time to talk whenever she wants it and getting down to her level. It was mentality killing me following this "plan" as I was so drained by it. I feel guilty but it has made such a difference to my mental enjoyment famiy life since saying "is this a time to talk or is mummy needing to concentrate right now?" Sometimes she looks sad when I say it, but I just couldn't go on with it. Her younger sister is similar, also developing a stammer, so I've erected the same boundary early on.

I also find that DH isn't so great with boundaries so will allow them to interrupt/ talk at inappropriate times, lets it go, ignores it and then yells at them. I just think that boundaries are so much better than resorting to that.

Last night, DH and I were trying to watch something on TV at 6pm, the DCs had their toys out before bed time, but instead the 6 YO took to yelling and wailing loudly, climbing all over us and jumping around for attention. They're just not used to not having control of what's on TV... it made me think that a boundary needs to be had here.

What boundaries do other parents have?

Just to clarify, we very rarely watch a progress of our choosing infront of them. This however was a programme about theme parks and roller coasters, hardly the 6pm news. Also, they had a range of toys and puzzles on the rug to occupy them. Why does the TV need to revolve around them if there are other things for them to do?
Additionally, we were taking them up for a bath at 6.20, so this was literally 20 minutes out of their whole day. This is after a day of baking, going to the park, playing games, a living room disco and a big dinner with dessert.
They're hardly hard done to having to occupy themselves/ put up with a roller coaster programme for 20 minutes.
What are your kids going to be like as teenagers/young adults having been pandered to all their childhoods?

@JustFrustrated

Boundaries in our house have always been:

Bed time at X o clock. Unless you're dying/vomiting or similar, you're to stay in your bedroom. You can read til 1am for all I care, but after X o clock you need to be in your room

Result: 2 kids that both read a lot, never get into our bed, and never have after about 2years old (I'd have taken a sick child to the sofa) and know if they need us in the night we'll be there in a shot and take it seriously.

Don't interrupt anyone when they're talking unless it's an emergency -

Result: eldest is great. Youngest is getting there. She's impulsive and tries, she gets lots of warnings but she's getting there. And apparently this doesn't happen at school....

Chores - do them. We're a family. I'm not a maid. You get flexibility e.g. if you've got a big event on a Saturday, you can do the rabbits Friday/Sunday.

Result: 2 super helpful kids, who know the importance of respecting their belongings and working as a team.

TV: don't interrupt someone's TV viewing. Of an evening we all watch TV together, and we watch one show that everyone watches and alternate between the kids for the other show.

Result: no TV viewing issues. Even if it's midday on a Saturday, and DH and I are watching the news.

I've strong, strong, boundaries. But the girls know where they can push and flex. They also know how to approach us for a discussion on changing them, e.g. bed times.

A child that feels heard, feels secure. a secure child is a happy child.

Your boundaries sound excellent @JustFrustrated

Why does the TV need to revolve around them if there are other things for them to do?

I’m not sure a 3 year old is capable of this logic to be honest. I think a lot of 6 year olds wouldn’t be either. While I completely agree with you that boundaries are important, they have to be age appropriate.

Although re reading I realise it wasn’t really your younger DC causing TV issues, so yeah it’s probably not unreasonable to start introducing that concept to the 6 yo at all.

What are your kids going to be like as teenagers/young adults having been pandered to all their childhoods?

So really, this thread is to say that now you've changed your approach, your new approach is 100% perfect and everyone else is wrong and bringing up children who will have no independence or ability to entertain themselves?

Okay.

The 3 year old was watching it with intrigue!!

What are your kids going to be like as teenagers/young adults having been pandered to all their childhoods?

OP, you've asked for advice as someone who has spent your kids' childhoods pandering to them and now you're insulting people trying to help. No one is suggesting that pandering to children's every whim is a good idea. You should be aiming for balance, maintaining your boundaries but with kindness and recognising that your children are still very small. If you've previously been too indulgent, they're not going to switch to the new system overnight.

I can relate to the supermarket thing OP. I hate doing the weekly shop. I generally refuse to take the children as it just make an annoying chore worse imo. The occasions I do have to take them they act like their world has ended as it’s so boring!!!!! I haven’t done them any favours but I actually sympathise with the reaction. I would cry in the supermarket if it was socially acceptable!

I think the key ones are getting them to not interrupt and also having to wait for things sometimes. My youngest is shockingly bad at entertaining herself. However if I have a task to do I just don’t give her the choice. They have to get used to compromise.

So really, this thread is to say that now you've changed your approach, your new approach is 100% perfect and everyone else is wrong and bringing up children who will have no independence or ability to entertain themselves?
No @blingloving it's a thread asking what other boundaries parents have imposed and me expressing what has worked for me. However, it has turned into a platform whereby some feel the need to criticise my parenting choices rather than answering a genuine question.

If you don't agree with imposing boundaries... scroll past.

@BennysBingoBonanza just scroll past?

Unsure what some people here are getting out of commenting unsupportive comments in a supposedly supportive parenting forum?

My question is what has worked for others? Not where am I going wrong with my boundaries. Seriously, just scroll on past... what do you get out of posting if it's negative or unsupportive?

hahaha. People have commented, nicely, on your "boundaries" totally changing the goalposts on your kids (which is kind of what MN is about). But you're the one whose made it clear you think other people are wrong and bringing up children who will be horrible.

I'll scroll past from now on, no problem.

Undercovva just ignore the unhelpful posts, some people get enjoyment out of sticking the boot in.

Noise intolerant, difficulties with boundaries, stammering, liking to tell long stories, needing control of the environment, jumping around and yelling for attention... these things could all be quirks of character but they do also point towards possible ASD/ADHD. I've lumped them all together as neurodivergence does tend to run in families. Definitely worth doing some reading around possible ND as you will just be confused and frustrated if you try to apply 'normal' discipline in a ND family.

Thanks @thistownaintbigenoughforboth I'll look into this more.

Some really good ideas re boundaries, I'm noting them down and working out which would/wouldn't work in our house.

@N4ish

I think your expectations are too high. I wouldn't try to watch an adult programme on tv at 6pm while my young children are still up and playing. That's not me having no boundaries, it's just recognising that when little kids are around I'm going to be constantly needed for this and that and there's no point expecting undisturbed adult time.

I disagree. I think it's reasonable for kids to be able to play while you watch a programme without climbing all over you for attention. Kids are spose to share your life with you not take over it. Your not doing them any favours thinking they are the be all and end all when they get to school they have to be an equal to everybody else. It's good to have some boundaries they shouldn't get their own way all the time it should be shared between everybody in the home Kids are very spoilt these days

@ThisTownAintBigEnoughForBoth

Tal45, just because someone is different to you, doesn't mean it's OK to call them odd. I am autistic and I couldn't concentrate on a conversation while driving or cooking either. You think that's odd - I think you're rude and ableist.

Agree. Very closed minded. My daughter learned herself not to try to talk to me while I’m concentrating or we’ll end up on the wrong train or with double ingredients in the pot etc. It’s a good people skill.

Boundaries naturally develop as children get older - at least they have here .

My heart sinks for your child with a stammer - I have a son with a stammer . It’s hard enough for him as it is and I wouldn’t dream of not letting him talk . He also often talks to me in the car Sat next to me .. never stammers . If I need to concentrate I ask them to wait .

Oh just marking place because I'm on the nursery run but want to come back and post on this.

DD and I both have ADHD and she tends to talk at me in a constant stream. I have had to say to her in the car could she please just stop talking for a bit as I need to concentrate on the road.

She was a bit put out the first time but she accepts now that there are points in a journey where I just can't cope with the onslaught of noise and need her to just stop. Other times we have some great conversations in the car.

My DC have never had control of the TV remote or the radio station. I was really shocked to take DD's friend away and she turned the TV over. Complete no no.

I have also started pushing back on the tv- my husband gets to watch football or I put on a (child appropriate) program I want to watch- thats how I got my daughter into GBBO. Fact is when i was growing up I had to watch countdown, carry my mums coffee.
I let my children know we are a household and we share- not always them.

My godson's parents, then his mum once they separated, were good at boundaries, I think, and have two lovely boys who are now late 20s/early 30s.
Bedtime non-negotiable, with quiet time before - bath, stories etc, then lights out until about 8, after which they could read for about an hour. From 15ish - quiet in rooms after 10.

Family meals if you were in. Let larents know in advance if not going to be in.

Could go to the park at the bottom of the road alone to meet friends from secondary age, but must check in at pre-agreed times.

Must respond to texts to say they were ok or where they where.

Don't interrupt adults when they are talking. Wait until there is a gap or you are asked.

On days out / holidays EVERYONE gets to choose activities. EVERYONE joins in the activities (as appropriate) everyone else has chosen, and must not spoil it for the chooser.

Same with TV / play station. Take turns. Book ahead for special requests. Pre-internet, parents always watched the news heaflines at 6pm. Play quietly / do your own thing in another room if you don't want to watch.

I would say it's very much about teaching them RESPECT FOR OTHERS rather than set boundaries/rules.

Some days I am happy to chat with my DC whilst I'm driving, other days I am tired/hormonal and their talking causes me stress whilst driving. On those days I explain I am feeling tired and finding it hard to concentrate, so they have to wait until I stop at a traffic light and then we can have a little chat.

Jumping all over you, wanting to hog the TV...Again, no. Some days yes to the TV, but if you and your husband specifically want to watch something then the rule is they allow you to watch it and then can have 30 mins of TV afterwards, or whatever.

Do not feel guilty for not pandering to your childs every whim.

I wish my friend had taught her daughter to take turns speaking. Once she starts she never stops, my DD can't get a word in and nor can I sometimes.

I've had to resort to carrying on talking over her if I'm still speaking and very obviously bringing DD into the conversation. I must look rude but otherwise it's just an endless monologue.

What I'm trying to say is boundaries are good things and everyone will appreciate it, but it can be hard figuring out what they should be.

When my DCs were small I had to tell them I needed 10 minutes by myself when I woke up so I wouldn't be grumpy, and no speaking when I'm reversing.

I also had to point out that although it looks easy, driving us actually very complicated and I need to concentrate. I'm not ignoring them on purpose but if I need to concentrate I will ignore them so that I can drive safely.

Is the driving thing a constant issue or is it worse for you with certain “bits” of driving, if you see what I mean? DC1 is 6 and I absolutely empathise with you (in more ways than one as I am almost certainly neurodivergent and I suspect he is too). I swear that kid has gills and doesn’t need to breathe. It can be incredibly distracting.

I have generally managed to train him to be quiet when I need to concentrate, simply along the lines of “right, X, just shush a minute until we’re properly on the motorway/past this roundabout”. He will generally now shush on cue and wait for me to say “thank you, sweetheart, so what was it you were trying to tell me?”. I can handle the jabbering for regular driving but not for stuff like merging onto the M25. But I’ve found that if I make it clear I need him to be quiet and why, that he will be. It’s taken a while…. Would something like that work for you?

You are sounding VERY judgey OP. You’ve asked for advice & are shooting down anyone with quite reasonable advice.

Sure, I get frustrated when my kids won’t leave me alone for 5 minutes but they can have all the toys in the world & still want my attention. They are kids & yours are pretty young.

Do I watch adult TV at 6pm? Rarely & I’d expect to be interrupted. They’ve got a playroom full of toys but after school, they just want to natter on! As for going shopping, both mine find it boring as hell. So did I as a kid, in fact I still do as an adult! I avoid taking them but if I need too, I try make it fun. I get them to go find stuff on the isle we are on etc & I take them a snack. They are not being rude or intentionally difficult. They are just young kids who find adult stuff boring. That is fair enough!

I’m quite a firm parent in some regards, behaviour, healthy eating, sleep. But pretty chill in others, I acknowledge they are kids & should be kids. They don’t run the show but at home, they can make a mess, be overly excitable, forget their manners sometimes, be noisy, make mistakes & be cheeky (but not rude).

Find a balance. It’s good to have you time. But also, you are in the thick of parenting and at a time when your kids need you most. Yea, weekends are predominantly child centred. They just are. That’s fine. They’ll soon be 11 & hating everything you suggest doing & wanting to be alone 🙈